The Great Governor

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is a satire on the Governor of Florida banning his Department of Environmental Protection from saying the words "Climate Change". Written for a class on satirical writing. Inspired by the writing styles of Edward Abbey and Don DeLillo. Format is a little messed up.

Submitted: June 08, 2015

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Submitted: June 08, 2015

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The sun rose in the great state of Florida and rising with it was Mohammad Millah. It was time to get to work. After a shower (cold), coffee (hot), and two eggs over easy with salt hold the pepper on toasted rye (buttered), he was out the door. His first day at his brand new position. Everyone passing him on the sidewalk was looking at the new Head Chief Associate Co-Assistant to the Governor of Florida, Scott Rick (long may he reign). Very important. He was to work within the Department of Environmental Protection. Only a five minute walk from his tax-payer funded two floor flat, valued at an estimated three hundred eighty six thousand four hundred and twenty two dollars, the brand new DEP offices were a loose scattering of dried mud-huts (Aztec architecture—the future of modern housing!).

He walked through the door and put on his game face. Here he was "Moe Miller" the new HCACA to the GoF, the shortening of his name encouraged by his superiors who told him it was a "good republican name". He walked into his office and sat at the desk made out of sticks and twigs stuck together with play-doh. Sitting atop it was a fresh out of the box twelve thousand sixty two dollar state of the art Dell computer complete with the full arsenal of Windows Office apps (Excel ver 5.2.1!), Google Docs, Open Office, Zoho Sheet, and solitaire. Atop his desk sat his name plate, custom made wood with a maple-oak finish, gold plated precision engraved name, title, and position:

MOE MILLER HCACA TO THE GoF SUPERVISOR OF DISCOURAGED WORDS DEPARTMENT

His first duty: print out the email sent to him by his superiors, presented to him hot and ready in less than 30 seconds out of his one thousand seven hundred dollar Dell Inkjet 2000 series Mark V printer, and post the sheet on the info board. Very Important. The sheet was the new list of discouraged words, as the Governor of the Great State of Florida Scott Rick (long may he reign) was looking to squash out the petty conspiracy of "Global Warming" by simply not talking about it. Genius. Moe posted the sheet on the board. It read:

WORDS WE WOULD REALLY RATHER NOT YOU NEVER SAY UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES PERIOD NO QUESTION:

GLOBAL WARMING

CLIMATE CHANGE

SEA LEVEL RISE

DEFORESTATION

GREENHOUSE GAS

OZONE

FOSSIL FUEL

NON-RENEWABLE

ENERGY

OIL

SKY

HEAT

TREE

 

THESE WORDS ARE NONSENSICAL AND FEED THE EGOS OF QUACK "SCIENTISTS". PLEASE ONLY EVER USE THE FOLLOWING LIST OF ENCOURAGED WORDS EVERY TIME YOU SPEAK:

INSTEAD OF“GLOBAL WARMING”  SAY RE-SUMMERIFICATION

INSTEAD OF“SEA LEVEL RISE” SAY NUISANCE FLOODING

INSTEAD OF“DEFORESTATION” SAYTREE LIBERATING

INSTEAD OF“FOSSIL FUEL” SAYDEAD DINO ENERGY

THANK YOU AND HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY :)

Moe returned to his office and turned on his 32 inch Samsung LED HD SMART TV valued at three hundred and forty nine dollars. The governor was making a speech today of the exciting things to come. He walked out of town hall onto the large white steps, black suit with a white shirt and a blue tie, his bald oblong head glistening in the sun. The crowd flashed their Nikon D5200's and Kodak SP360's at him. He spoke. "My fellow Floridians, I am here today to announce big things for the Great State of Florida. Here, in the great city of Tallahassee, in front of the great people of Florida, with the grace of God and the funding of the Federal Government, we are launching the Re-Summerification project to commence immediately over all of Florida." Wild applause, the crowd goes nuts. "We listen to you, we always listen to you. And after years of research, both in the field and lab, and hundreds of man hours spent crunching the numbers and checking our math, we've found that you all love the summer."

The Governor paused and smiled. The crowd, unsure of whether it is the right time to clap or not, remained silent. The Governors eyes went wide and he cleared his throat. "America loves the summer!" There's the cue. The crowd jumped to their feet for a standing ovation. The Governor asked for the crowd to calm down. "For years we've been hard at work secretly testing this project, and the results have been stunning. Global temperature has risen dramatically and it is all thanks to all of our hard work. Soon summer will never be over!" The crowd erupted. The Governor said that he will now field questions. The first question came from a reporter in a trench coat and bow-tie. "Some speculate that the rising temperature is due to Global Warming, care to respond?" The Governor straightened his back and flashed his winning smile. "I would like to answer your question with an answer to a different question. The question: how much did this cost us? Good question. The answer: the cost is inconsequential. What this will cost us is the days and nights we would have spent huddled in a blanket due to the cold weather." A great politician can dodge his own questions. The reporter sat down, happy with the response. Another question, from a woman in a blue dress. "Governor, what do you say to those who speculate on the sea levels rising?" The governor answered: "Nuisance flooding, nothing more. Enough questions, thank you. God bless all of you and the Great State of Florida." And just like that, the Governor walked back into town hall.

Moe was on top of his desk, giving a standing ovation to the Governor. All of his subordinates were doing the same. He wondered how the Governor was able to weave such a beautiful speech together, including some of the recommended uses of the discouraged words. He left his office and looked around the room. His empire, kingdom, and domain, the place in which he rules uncontestably (in coordinate with the Department of Environmental Protection of the State of Florida which answers directly to the Governor’s office). He looked at his hard working subordinates, sitting idly by their Dells. Americans hard at work. He took a deep breath and spoke: “Friends” (he likes to keep it casual) “I hope you all saw our great governor give his speech. Take notice on how confident he looked, and how well he answered the spontaneous questions asked to him. In response to this historic day, I have decided to give you all the day off to enjoy the summer you all helped create. Enjoy it and make your state proud.” He watched as they all shuffled off, eager to do their patriotic duty. Moe stayed around for a little while longer, and before he left he made a copy of the list of discouraged words. While he returned home he stopped by a store to pick up a twenty two dollar frame to hang it up in, which he placed directly above him on his bedroom ceiling, so he can think of his Governor every night.

Moe woke up the next morning and went through his routine. He sat with his breakfast, and watched the morning news. Renewable energy crisis. It's all anyone's talking about. The news anchor told Moe: "We send you now to right outside Tallahassee town hall where Governor Scott Rick has called a press conference on the matter." The camera switched to the Governor, today wearing a dress shirt, unbuttoned at the top, and cargo shorts. "It is a wonderful day for the Great State of Florida." The Governor smiled wide at the camera. "Today I announce our new initiative to fight back against the Renewable Energy Crisis. You see, millions of years ago when there was nary a hard working American on this planet, dinosaurs ruled the earth. They died, because they rejected Jesus, and their bones were covered by rock and gravel and dirt and dust. Time and pressure took over from there, and the bones were turned into oil which we use to power our Ford F150's. We are running out of oil. Not enough dinosaurs to go around. So, our scientists have been hard at work. Gene splicing, atom smashing, necromancy, all working to create a new species of dinosaur. Dinosaurs born and bred to die and decompose, to fuel the F150's of tomorrow!" The crowd was pleased, and burst into a symphony of applause.

It was time again for questions. The Governor told a man in a gray suit that these dinosaurs are, in fact, natural born Americans with birth certificates and social security numbers. A woman in a white pantsuit asked: "Sir, what do you say to those who are rallying against deforestation?" He answered, "Ah yes, tree liberating. Simple. Dinosaurs are big. They need space to live and grow and die. After many a focus group, we've decided that dinosaurs do not like trees. We've opened up acres of field space for our new American Dinosaur friends to roam free. Thank you all so much for the questions and God bless every single one of you." The Governor took his leave.

Moe was standing on his breakfast table applauding. He was so overwhelmed with pride for his Governor and his state that he had tears in his eyes. Moe always loved dinosaurs. The big majestic creatures, whose beauty rivals only that of his Governor. They come in all shapes and sizes, live differently, eat differently, and play differently. Just like Americans, Moe thought to himself. And how great was it that the Governor is liberating those trees by the thousands? Poor things, stuck in the ground all day, it was about time someone came along and introduced them to good ol’ American freedom. Moe chuckled at the fact that his Governor devised a plan to solve the crisis in such a short amount of time when all of those so called “scientists” were working day and night for a “practical” solution and came up with nothing. He decided due to the overwhelming emotions that were running through him he would cancel work for the day, as he knew all of his subordinates would be felling the same way.

While Moe lay in bed that night, he felt wetness on his leg, and soon over his entire body. His room was flooded. Three feet of water rose up just above his bed, and outside covered the street and lawns of all the hard working Americans on his block (not the lawns!). He rolled off his bed, frightened, knocking over his prize framed photo of Governor Scott Rick, and dropped into the water. He swam to his kitchen table, and turned on the news. A press conference was under way. Scott Rick stood at the podium wearing a speedo and goggles. His white skin shone in the moonlight, not a hair on him. "Ladies and Gentlemen" he said, appearing almost out of breath, "I am so pleased to announce the successful installation of our state wide swimming pool!" The crowd exploded. Cheers, whistles, thrown roses, all from the safety of their pool floats. The Governor dove off the podium and did a lap for all to see. He was back around in record time. "No questions this time, thank you." He swam off to uproarious applause.

Short and sweet, Moe thought to himself. Who needs these quick talking, long winded politicians? The Governor swam up, stated his business, and left, just like a true leader. Given how thrilled he was for his Governor, he decided to give him a call. His clicked number one on his speed dial and got put on hold. Four hours later, a secretary answered Moe. Moe said, “Hello this is Moe Miller, HCACA to the GoF, and I would love to speak to Governor Rick about his speech.” The secretary answered in a monotonous voice, “Sorry, Mr. uhh… Miller, but the Governor is very busy running the state and cannot talk. Our sincerest apologies.” Moe hung up the phone. He was confused as to why his Governor couldn’t make time for him. Now that he thought of it, he had never actually met the Governor. In fact, the closest he got to him was an email he sent to Moe congratulating him on the new position.

Moe, and most of the DEP workers, were given the next day off. He went for a swim. That night, he woke up in a hot sweat. His head burnt and his eyes were blurry. Something was wrong. There was a pain inside him, like something was lost. He swam to the television, the water now six feet high and a lot warmer than it was yesterday. The news anchor reported underwater in full scuba gear. Even through the thick mask, Moe saw that the man was crying. "Ladies and Gentlemen I am deeply saddened to report to you today that the Governor of the Great State of Florida, Scott Rick, died today. He drowned while swimming to the bathroom. Let us please have a moment of silence for the man who changed this Great State of ours." Moe sat there shocked. The phone rang, breaking the holy silence. The man at the other end, through his sobs, spoke to Moe. "Mr. Miller, it is truly a sad day for all of us. But, we must trudge on. Being the Head Chief Associate Co-Assistant to the Governor of Florida, you are next in line. You must lead us out of this trying time, Governor Miller." New Governor, very important.

The next day, Moe repealed all of the projects and laws and initiatives that were put into place the week before. He felt it wasn't right to carry on with Governor Rick's legacy. He didn't feel worthy. By that night, the water level had receded, dinosaurs were extinct again, and the average temperature began to drop. All that hard work, for nothing.  A shame. He started going by his real name. He tried his best, but only managed to further diminish Governor Rick's impact.  The next election year Mohammad Millah was beaten by a challenger who promised to "return the environment back to its former glory". He didn't stand a chance. He simply wasn't the man that Scott Rick was.


© Copyright 2019 John McGrane. All rights reserved.

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