Orleans Creek

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
A surrealist narrative about the daily life of a patient at Orleans Creek Home for the Irredeemably Psychotic.

Submitted: July 16, 2014

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Submitted: July 16, 2014

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I'll start by addressing the elephant in the room; his name is Fred, but that's only hearsay, I've never actually talked to him. "Hello" I said meekly. My voice was high pitched at the moment; Orleans Creek Sanatorium is right next door to a helium processing plant and, due to budget constraints, we share air vents with the factory. Anyway, I guess that scared Fred because he spontaneously burst into flames. That poor guy, so high strung.

At about noon they let us crazies out into the yard to frolic and admire as the nurses charge their tortoises into a wall made of spongecakes to put an end to the war between the ants once and for all. During the rest of the recreational period, everybody has their own little group activities. For example, the schizophrenics like to go to the middle of the courtyard and shadowbox. They never win, but boy do they enjoy the sport. The pyromaniacs like to light some fireworks which cause the paranoiacs to believe they are coming under fire by the mole people, so they pull out their brightly colored tools, get into formation and chant "Sexy, Awkward, Flashback by Calvin Klein." Speaking of which, he should be arriving any minute; every other Friday, he comes to get test subjects for his perfume. He brings the test subjects back a week later; some come back perpetually smelling oh so fine, some come back with a rash, and there was this one time that all we got was a bag of sentient eyeballs.

Thirty minutes passed and there he was, his hair done up in a beehive, a neon colored flannel shirt and jeans tight enough to have crushed any possibility to father children into diamond. "Hello Orleans Creek," he said with a noticeable lisp in his voice "I am here to show you the latest innovation in insane fashion." He went on to show us the new product; Calvin Klein straightjackets with the tagline, "You will look crazy; crazy good." Sometime during his presentation however; Jeff, a man that has been mentally ill since his brain was flipped upside down in a botched discount appendectomy, got the notion that Calvin's pants were eating him alive. He shouted "I'll save you!" and slashed at Calvin's jeans with a sharpened candy cane, revealing the fact that Calvin Klein wears Hanes comfort jockeys. Soon after the initial attack, confetti fell from the sky and they released the giant, helium enhanced, mutant bunnies along with the tranq gas. Two eagles swooped down and took Calvin Klein away from the psych hospital and that's where babies come from.

END.


© Copyright 2019 Jon Cott. All rights reserved.

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