A letter meant for someone, sent to no one

I miss you. I passed by your workplace today and I couldn’t help but turn my head, hoping to see you there; and there you were. Our gazes met for a second…I think. My eyesight has failed me before, so I’m probably wrong but in that moment, I swear we looked into each other’s eyes. But, it wasn’t like before. This time, I quickly turned my head away, cringing in shame and started imagining what thoughts circled your head after seeing me. Maybe, you realized that I’m still very much in love with you although I tried my best to hide it. If you did, I imagine that you probably laughed at me. Maybe I’m overthinking it. You probably just didn’t care at all.

Yeah that’s it. You probably just didn’t care at all. After all, it’s been so long hasn’t it? It feels like a lifetime since I’ve lost you. It feels like a lifetime since I’ve lost myself. It feels like a lifetime since I’ve lost everything.

Often times I wonder what’s going on with your life. You seem happy; I hope you’re happy. Often times, I wish I could be the source of your happiness. Often times, I lie in bed for hours and reminisce our past. Maybe it’s the nostalgia, but everything seems so perfect and so beautiful in my head. I can’t even remember the bad times that well. All I remember is that something went wrong along the way, and suddenly everything was over. Soon, the other man came. Maybe he had been there for some time. I’ll never know. I only know the feeling of the gaping hole in my heart when I lost you and the crushing of my soul when I saw you with him. I only know the feeling of being inadequate, of being lesser than him, of being incomplete, of being inferior, of not being enough. I was not enough to keep you. I was not enough to keep your love alive. I’m not enough to make you love me again. I’m nothing. I’m worthless.

At times, I wonder if you ever think of me. I used to think about you all the time. Now I think about you almost all the time. You have invaded every part of my life. I can’t move on because you’re there in my thoughts and memories, haunting me with your perfection. Your perfection has made it almost impossible for me to love another woman. How can I settle for a human, when I’ve had a Goddess? No one comes close to your perfection. You’re my highest achievement ( if not the only).  I could never get that lucky again. If I were another man, I would probably never get together with another woman ever again. But luckily, I’m a somewhat rational man.

Nevertheless, I had you and I lost you. The thought of losing you resides permanently at the back of my head. I am constantly reminded that I am a loser. There is nothing else in this world that I want, except you. You’re my everything. You were my everything. Now you’re his everything. Maybe; I don’t know. I wonder if he loves you as much as I did. I wonder if he’d ever love you as much as I do. I fathom that someone like him would inevitably love someone as godly as you but not for the right reasons. I fathom that he loves you simply because you love him. He loves you because he’s not worthy of you. I can’t say I was worthy of you. All I can say is that I simply fell uncontrollably and unexpectedly in love with you. I never used to feel inferior to you. I just felt like I had finally met my match, the one and only, my soulmate and that’s the purest kind of love there is. I still believe that you’re the only one for me. I think I’ll always believe it.What I doubt, is myself. What I doubt, is my ability to make myself loved by others and my ability to be right. By the way, sorry for being so pretentious. I’m probably completely wrong about his feelings for you. I wouldn’t know. I can’t even speak with assurance about what I know.

At other times, I make up scenarios in my mind that will probably never happen. I imagine being able to turn back time and getting everything right. I’d never let you go. I’d never get angry at you. I’d do my best to be loved by you forever. Then reality sinks in, and I get a slightly heavy feeling in my chest. It’s nothing like the one I used to get in the past though. This is just a small remnant of the heavy burden that used to lie on my chest.  Nevertheless, the daydreaming never stops. I think about us getting back together in the present as well. I used to have doubts, but I now know that I would take you back in a heartbeat if I had the chance.

I imagine you coming towards me and confessing your feelings for me and I imagine tears of joy streaming from my eyes, as I grab your face with both of my hands and savor your soft lips once again. I’d kiss you until eternity. I’d hold you tight; so tight, it would feel like I’d almost crush you. I would then bury my face on your neck, and take deep breaths, inhaling your hypnotizing perfume with each breath. If I were to ever get enough of your intoxicating sent, I would hold your face with my hands once again, hold my head up and look you straight in your blue eyes. I’d get lost in them, and a smile would automatically form on my lips as my heart would start pounding from joy. I would repeatedly mutter the words “I love you.”,  “ I love you so much”, “never let me go again” while I would press my forehead against yours, trying to stop the flow of my tears. I imagine you would put your beautiful hands on my face as well, stare at me straight in the eyes, and you would say to me “I’m here now. I’ll never leave again. I’ve loved you all along. All of this was a huge mistake. Forgive me.” But, there would be nothing to forgive for I was never bitter with you. I respected you for the free being that you have always been.  Upon hearing your words, I would simply get lost in the moment and I fathom I would regain what I have lost: myself.

When I’m not making up intricate scenarios of us getting back together, I simply get images of your big blue eyes and your wide smile in my head. I can’t help but smile when they invade my mind. I used to get sad, but lately I’ve begun to smile every time I think of you. I think I’ve reached a stage where I still wish every day that I could turn back time or that I could be with you again, but I’m also simply happy that I’ve had the chance to be with you. I would have probably never known the best part of me if it wasn’t for you. I learned a lot from you. You are the most important event of my life.

I still wish that we could talk sometimes. I wish we would not act like strangers when we pass by on the street. I wish we could at least say hi. I would die for a “hello” from you. It feels like all I need to do is say hi first but then I would feel guilty. I would not want to interfere with your personal life. As much as I want you to be with me, I would not want to cause you any trouble with your current lover. Your happiness is my only priority. I can’t help but wish having a conversation with you though. I wish I could tell you everything I’ve written about you in all these years, in person. I wish I could show you how much I’ve changed. I wish I could show you that I’ve become a man that you could possibly love more than the one in the past. I wish I could show you that I’ve become the man that could possibly make you stay.

 I wish you could show me how much you’ve changed. I wish you could talk to me about all that makes you happy and all that worries you, just like you used to do. I want to know everything about you and I want to tell you everything about me. There’s just so much I want to tell you and so much I wish you could tell me. In my head, I believe that if we ever were to get back again, we would seep into an endless conversation and I would listen to you for days and days on end and we would open up completely to each other and we would fall in love with each other from the beginning once again.

But, I can’t do any of that, and no matter how much I wish and dream, deep in my heart i think that my dream will never come true. They say that nothing is impossible. How I wish it were true. I’d give away everything, just for you. Just for another chance to talk to you.

 I can’t contact you in any way. My only way of “communicating” with you is through my imagination and through these letters that I’ve written over the years. You will probably never read them. I’ve wanted to post some of them online for so long. I know they would reach you somehow because everyone likes to gossip in this town but I doubt they would make a difference anyway. Furthermore, no matter how much I wish to show you what I feel and think, my only way of reaching you is by opening myself to everyone else as well , but I hate that because I hate showing that I’m weak. But, I also hate that I hate showing that I’m weak. I hate the fact that I even think that I’m weak.  I probably am..who knows? But, no one should be ashamed of being weak for love. I hate the world for making it shameful to be weak for love. I hate the world for making it shameful to be human.

The world is full of hypocrites. Hypocrites, who indulge themselves in shitty romantic movies and are suckers for romantic stories written by famous writers, but who laugh at any one who truly loves and openly expresses the excruciating pain of losing the one they love. God forbid that a normal human writes about the pain and sadness at the loss of a loved one and they’re not a famous writer or an artist. There’s this stigma surrounding the channeling of feelings through writing if you’re not an established writer. The same words can be written by me and by an established writer, and I would be seen as weak and “emotionally unavailable” while the writer would be praised and adored for being a human being with such intense feelings. At times, I simply share other’s lyrics and writings simply because I feel less vulnerable and judged that way.

Anyway, as you can see, I’ve developed this habit of talking for too long and getting lost in the way. I think about the most random things at time. Maybe I used to have it before as well;I don’t know. I’ve forgotten most things about my past self.  The things is, I just need to vent out from time to time. I wish I could vent to you face to face but this will do I guess.

I guess I’ll finish this letter by telling you what I’ve learned from loving you, since that’s what I’ve been rumbling about the whole time.  From you, I learned to love selflessly and unconditionally. I learned what real perfection is. I learned how to kiss a girl. I learned how and where to touch a girl. I learned how to listen to a girl. I learned how to get lost in a girl. I learned the names of your two perfumes which have since become my favorites. I’ve ingrained in my head the sight of your pupils dilating at the sight of me. I learned to set others free. I learned to appreciate the freedom in others. I learned to appreciate the artistic sense in others.  I remember you used to draw to show me how much you loved me. I loved your drawings. You used to draw for me…now you draw for him. I learned to better tap into my own creative forces and I learned that there was still much left to learn. I learned that I was still naïve. I learned that the world is a harsh place. Most of all, I learned that I knew nothing. Until that time, I thought I knew what love was, but then I met you. I thought I knew what happiness was, and then I met you. I thought I knew what loss was, but then I lost you.

Until the next letter

Submitted: September 17, 2015

© Copyright 2023 Jonathan Pilika. All rights reserved.

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