The People V. Santa Clause

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Short story relating to the arrest and prosecution of Saint Nick.

Submitted: January 30, 2019

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Submitted: January 30, 2019



This is a story about Santa Clause. Most stories of Santa are merry and festive, but that isn't reality. Life isn't all candy canes and gift wrapping. As you'll soon learn not all stories about Santa are happy.

A naughty young man named Martin spiked the eggnog that was left out for Santa. That same rapscallion put enough whacky tobacky in the cookies to kill a reindeer. Martin will be getting coal next year for sure. Saint Nick’s real problems started when a most naughty State's Attorney decided to try and cook Santa's goose.

Mistakes were made and people were hurt, but Santa's heart is as pure as fresh snow. There was no excuse for the prosecution of such a jolly old man. This was a grinch hunt for sure.

This story isn't really about what lead to the court date, as what transpired in that courtroom on a snowy January Monday.

Santa sat in a small conference room off a garland and holly filled courthouse hallway. He was not the most jolly, due to the weight of his folly. Santa's lawyer told Santa “The State understands you did not choose to abuse drugs and alcohol, but they must prosecute to send a message.” In this case it was not a warm, heartfelt holiday message. The message the State intended to send was cold and black.

Santa and his so so so called lawyer walked into the courtroom and took their seats. Santa wore a nice grey suit on his body, he wore concern and remorse on his face. There was no jury for this trial today, a single Judge would decide Saint Nick's fate.

The people rose, then they sat. The prosecutor began reading from a list. This wasn't a naughty or nice list, this was a list of crimes allegedly committed by Father Christmas.

The prosecutor called his first witness. A sloppily dressed imposter Santa, who worked at the mall in the day and worked security at night.

Please state your name for the court said the prosecutor. My name is Harold Gomez said the man. Please recount your memories from the night in question said the prosecutor.The imposter began to tell a story twisted like a string of lights.

“I was working night shift security at the Applegate Apartment complex. The defendant burst through the front doors with a big red bag over his shoulder. The smell of bourbon followed him in from the cold. I asked who he was there to see. I think I surprised him because he spun in a complete circle, knocking over the Christmas tree by the door. “Sorry, mam” he said as he picked the tree up. Then he turned to me and whispered “I have presents for the gay children, in my sack”. The defendant then shoosed my mouth with his finger and winked at me. “Presents for the gay children… In his sack?” asked the prosecutor.

“That is correct sir” said the Ghost of Christmas Lies, than he continued his liable filled tale. “I asked the defendant what his name was, defendant said he was Santa Clause. I asked where his elves we're and he said “Yeah, where are those little bitches?”. I told the defendant to leave and went to grab him by the arm, he disappeared. I was then tapped on my shoulder, when I turned around the defendant slapped me in the face. He said “Ho, ho, ho you like them apples?” I lunged at the defendant, but my shoelaces had been tied together and I fell on my face. The defendant disappeared again. I removed my shoes, called the police and began chasing him through the complex. The defendant broke into all 16 units. Some doors were kicked in, others showed no signs of forced entry. He left presents in some units, he took things from other units. Some guests say he yelled at them and promptly left. We later found out that the defendant gave one family an upper decker.

“I am not familiar with the term “Upper Decker”, please elaborate.” said the State's Attorney. “Basically, Santa took the lid off the toilet and pooped in the back” said the holiday hater. The police showed up and took the defendant out in handcuffs. “Did the defendant say anything else to you” asked the prosecutor. Yes, when the police were walking him through the lobby in handcuffs Santa looked directly at me and said “Snitches get stitches” “Thank you sir, that is all.” said the prosecutor.

It was Santa's attorney's turn to cross examine. He sat there looking like he had just received a hot coal enema for Christmas. Then a smirk slowly spread across the man's face. Santa's lawyer stood up and said “You say these crimes were committed by Santa?” “That is correct” said the faker. “You yourself are dressed as Santa, maybe you perpetrated the crimes you speak of”. “Are you accusing me of assaulting myself, then pooping in the back of the Smith family’s toilet?” asked the witness. “Stranger things have happened.” said Santa's lawyer. “No! No they haven't! said the Judge as he banged his gavel furiously. The judge told the witness he could leave the witness box. Santa's lawyer slunk back in his seat, his grin morphed back into an obvious frown.

The prosecutor called his next witness, one of the arresting officers. The officer told his story. He responded to a call at the Applegate Apartments. He and his partner found the defendant on the roof, dry humping a plastic reindeer. They apprehended and handcuffed the defendant without incident. “You can't arrest Santa” the defendant said. “If your really Santa, then tell us the names of your reindeer”. The defendant said “The one with the big stupid red nose” then the defendant said “Your mother” eight times. The officer said they walked Santa out the front at which time Santa said “You can't ho ho, hold me against my will”. According to the officer, the defendant then disappeared leaving behind the handcuffs and all of his clothing. The defendant appeared in the driver's seat of the police cruiser completely naked. He turned the lights on and played Christmas music loudly. Then the defendant yelled “Merry Christmas to all and also suck it!” as he accelerated quickly and crashed directly into the orphanage across the street. Unfortunately some children woke and peered out the windows. The defendant repeatedly screamed "Don't kill Santa!" as officers deployed tasers to subdue naked Santa in the street.

Santa's lawyer stood and pointed to a bag of clothing labeled exhibit A. “Is this the suit you recovered at the scene of the crime?” The officer agreed. “Well everyone if the suit doesn't fit, you must acquit. It's that simple”. Santa left with the bailiffs to try the suit on.

This was an incredibly foolish idea of Santa's council. It was a magic suit, of course it fucking fit. The suit could not have fit more perfectly.

When it was time for the verdict, something magical happened in the Judge's heart. His heart grew to three times the size and filled with warmth and joy. The Judge completely ignored his newfound, potentially life threatening heart condition and found Santa guilty on all counts.

After a nickel in the joint Santa returned to work, but things were never the same. Santa had been institutionalized. Now children on the nice list get cigarettes, pages torn from swimsuit catalogs and money on their books. Children on the naughty list get punked out in the yard and spend some time in the hole.

The End

© Copyright 2019 Jordan Tockey. All rights reserved.

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