From The Bowels Of The Chosen

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Lady Tuna returns to the planet of Pluton when Mr.Beaner
becomes gravely ill.

Submitted: February 21, 2014

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Submitted: February 21, 2014

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FROM THE BOWELS OF THE CHOSEN

WRITTEN BY

JOSEPH A. SMALL

2014


THE PLANET OF PLUTON:
ABOARD THE PELICAN-7:00 AM:

It was a beautiful morning when 2T2 de-activated
his sleep mode,and floated around the Pelican checking out her systems.
As he passed Mr.Beaner's bedroom he noticed the door was open...

"Mr.Beaner?"

2T2 asked as he floated inside the room.He stopped,
and looked down to find Mr.Beaner unconscious on the floor...

"Oh,shit!"

DOOKYROID-Z:
COOKING WITH FIFI:

After a long hiatus,FiFi Bee Bee was taping another
episode of "COOKING WITH FIFI"...

"Hello,and welcome to another exciting episode of
Cooking With FiFi."
FiFi smiled into the camera...

"Today we have a special guest in the studio who
specializes in strange & bizarre cheeses.Let's give a warm welcome to
dairy scientist Dr.Dixie Goo Goo."

Dr.Goo Goo stands next to FiFi behind the counter
with various plates of cheese on it...

"Ooh,this one looks tasty.What can you tell us about
it?"
FiFi asked as she popped a cheese cube into her mouth...

"Of coarse.That one we used the cultures taken from the
toe jam & ear cheese from a homeless man."

"What?! Ooh!"

FiFi spitted out the cheese into a napkin...

"Oh,my goodness! How interesting?"

FiFi told her as she was trying to compose herself.
She moved on to the next plate...

"Now I hope this sample isn't made out of ear wax,or
something?"
FiFi questioned Dr.Goo Goo as she cautiously put a
cheese cube into her mouth again...

"Oh,no."

"Oh,goody."

"It's made from my very own breast milk."

FiFi spitted out the cheese back on the plate,and
gagged...
"ACK!!!! YUCKYPOO!!!"

"I'm so sorry,Miss Bee Bee.I didn't mean to gross
you out." Dr.Goo Goo apologized...

"Oh,that's quite alright.I've been through worse."

FiFi told her as she approached the third plate...

"I think this time I'll refrain from tasting it.
What is this cheese called?"

"That one is called Casu Marzu."

"Ooh.It sounds exotic."

FiFi commented as she picked up a knife,and started
cutting into it...
"Otherwise known as MAGGOT CHEESE."

All of a sudden maggots start jumping out of the
cheese.FiFi starts screaming as maggots get into her hair,and on her
face...
"AAAAAAAAH!!!! I...I can't do this anymore!"

FiFi ran off the set in distress,as the producers of
the show try to calm her down...

"We're sorry FiFi.We'll get that cheesy doctor off
the set." One of the producers assured her...

"Oh,goody!I don't know how much more I can take!
I may never cook with cheese again!"

FiFi's assistant walks on the set...

"FiFi,I have a urgent message for you from 2T2 on
Pluton.Mr.Beaner is in the hospital.He's very sick."

A look of shock came over FiFi's face as it builds
up into a scream...
"AAAAAAAAH!!!NO! NOT MR.BEANER?!"

"I'm so sorry,FiFi."

"Arrange a commercial line Boo Boo to take me to
Pluton.I must go to him at once."

FiFi ordered her assistant...

"But,FiFi? What about the show?!"

One of the producers reminded her...

"I'm sorry,but Mr.Beaner needs me."

FiFi walked off the set in a over dramatic poise.

THE PLANET OF TUNAKIA:
QUEEN CHAKNEE'S PALACE:

Lady Tuna entered the royal hall where Queen Chaknee
sat...
"You summoned me,my queen? Tee,hee,hee."

Lady Tuna wondered as she took a bow...

"Why,yes.I've recieved word from planet Pluton that
Mr.Beaner is very sick,and in the hospital..."

Without a word,Lady Tuna dashed out of the royal hall
with great gusto...
"Lady Tuna?..... WOOOOOO!!!"

Queen Chaknee was startled by the roar of a Tunakian
space cruiser flying passed the palace windows...

"Set a coarse for Pluton at top speed! I swear if
Mr.Beaner dies before I get there,I will personally chop off your wang,
and stuff it down your throat!"

"Yes,Lady Tuna."

"And inform Ambassador Tallahassee of my arrival!"

THE PLANET OF PLUTON:
HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM:

2T2 was waiting for any news on Mr.Beaner's condition
when FiFi Bee Bee,Florence Jean Flablicker,Betty Boo Boo,Herbert Hinzburgh,
and Sally Sibble arrived...

"Oh,how's Mr.Beaner doing,Honey?" Florence asked 2T2...

"I don't know.I'm waiting for Dr.Poopendorf to tell
me about his progress."

"Ooh! My poor Mr.Beaner! Boo,hoo,hoo!"

FiFi cried out.Wilhelmina Beaner showed up with Mrs.
Tallahassee...
"What? What are you two Whores doing here?!"

FiFi scorned them both...

"We have as much right as you do to see Mr.Beaner,
FiFi!" Wilhelmina fired back...

"Why? So you can have intercourse with some orderly
in front of Mr.Beaner? You Slut!"

"I'm a Slut? And what stripper bar did Mr.Beaner
pluck you out of? Huh?"

Wilhelmina snapped back.FiFi became so upset,and
frustrated that she let out a huge scream...

"AAAAAH!!!"

Nurse Noo Noo came out from behind her station to
confront the two women...

"You two women better keep quiet,and sit your asses
down,before I have you thrown out! This is a hospital,not a back alley!"

Nurse Noo Noo turned to the others...

"And that goes for the rest of you!"

Nurse Noo Noo returned to her station.

THE CITY STREETS OF PLUTON:
LADY TUNA'S ARRIVAL:

Lady Tuna glided down the street on a floating
platform,and a laser rifle on her back.When she reached the hospital,
she pulled out the rifle,and blasted a big hole where the waiting room
was.Through the smoke,and the debris,she could hear FiFi screaming wildly
inside.She proceeded to enter the hole...

"Where's Mr.Beaner?!He better not be dead,or all ya
will feel my wrath!I will blast away this fuckin' hospital,and everybody
in it!"
Threatened Lady Tuna...

"Over my dead body,you shit eating Bitch,Honey!"

Florence warned her as she pulled out her laser pistol...

"There's still a bounty on her ugly head! I say we
turn her smelly butt in,and collect the reward."

Betty Boo Boo suggested...

"I think not,ladies!I authorized her to be here.
She's the ambassador of Tunakia,and has diplomatic immunity."

Mrs.Tallahassee pointed out...

"What? Mrs.Tallahassee?!"

Florence was disappointed...

"Is Mr.Beaner okay?" Lady Tuna wanted to know...

"We still don't know what his condition is."

Mrs.Tallahassee told her.Nurse Noo Noo stormed out
of her station again...

"That's it!SECURITY!!!"

She shouted.Four security guards showed up,and
surrounded them...
"Get them out of here,except for that Tunakian!
Immunity,or not I want her arrested for damaging that wall!"

Nurse Noo Noo ordered...

"Wait! Don't do that!"

Dr.Poopendorf stopped them...

"But,doctor? They're being very disruptive,and look
at that big hole in the wall?"

Nurse Noo Noo pointed out...

"It's quite alright,Nurse Noo Noo.Just calm your
meaties down.I need to talk to them."

"How is he,doctor?" FiFi asked...

"He's stable,but unconscious.You see,Mr.Beaner has
a very nasty Foo Foo infection in his bowel tract.None of our Coo Coo
antibiotics,or Coo Coo probiotics will work in time.Mr.Beaner needs a
FECAL TRANSPLANT."

Everyone looked at each other in confusion...

"What exactly is that,doctor?" Wilhelmina asked...

"It's a simple procedure,really.You see,we take a
small piece of dooky from a healthy donor,and implant it up in Mr.
Beaner's rectum.In hope that it will produce a healthy colony of good
bacterial Foo Foos to fight off the infection,so that his Coo Coos &
meaties will get better."

"Poor Mr.Beaner.If I had the capability of taking a
shit,I would give it to him." 2T2 told the others...

"I guess that leaves me out,too." Said Betty...

"But why,Betty?" 2T2 wondered...

"The only things that come out of my butt hole when
I poop is paper streamers & confetti."

"Oh."

"Then it is settled.It should be my doo doo that will
be used for the transplant."

FiFi came forward.The others were not going to except
it...
"What do you mean your doo doo?" Questioned Wilhelmina...

"Well,for one thing you are a Slut!Who knows what
kind of cooties your dooky has? You could end up killing Mr.Beaner."

FiFi pointed out...

"What? How dare you!"

Wilhelmina shouted back.Mrs.Tallahassee got in between
them...
"Now ladies,there's only one person here who has the
vigorous,hardy bowel movement to keep Mr.Beaner healthy,and that person
is me."
Mrs.Tallahassee stood her ground...

"You?! Your dooky is so full of fat & cholesterol,it
could give Mr.Beaner a heart attack!"

FiFi screamed at her...

"What did you say,you wacky Harlot?!"

"You heard me,you fat fanny Foo Foo!"

FiFi shouted with such anger & hate.She then turned
her rage towards Florence Jean Flablicker...

"What are you looking at,you big boobed Bimbo?!
Your turds are far too low class to be worthy of Mr.Beaner's hinny!"

"FiFi,you crazy ass Bitch! You better calm your ass
down,before I slap the shit out of you!" Florence threatened her...

"No,I won't! And as for you,you wicked Bitch!"

FiFi now turning to Lady Tuna...

"Me? Tee,hee,hee."

Lady Tuna wondered.She was quite amused by FiFi's
meltdown...

"Your stinky shit is nothing,but pure evil!...EVIL!!!"

FiFi screamed at the top of her lungs,before breaking
down into tears.Lady Tuna just stood there with a big smile on her face...

"Say,Flo? I think you're right about FiFi. She is one
crazy ass Bitch. Tee,hee,hee."

Lady Tuna giggled.During the shouting match,Herbert
had slipped passed them,and entered Mr.Beaner's room.Dr.Poopendorf took
notice,and followed him...

"Oh,me must help Mr.Beaner get better.Eeeeh."

Herbert thought to himself,as he pushed a chair next
to Mr.Beaner's bed.He then stood up on it,turned around,pulled down his
pants,and took a dump on Mr.Beaner's chest.Dr.Poopendorf jumped back in
shock when he entered the room...

"Shoo!!! You get down from that chair,you naughty man!
You're not supposed to be in here!"

"Oh,me sorry.Eeeeh."

Herbert stepped down from the chair,and left the room.
Dr.Poopendorf grabbed a pair of tongs,and a stainless steel tray.He removes
Herbert's turds from Mr.Beaner's chest,and summons a orderly...

"Orderly,take this tray to the lab.I want to find out
if he's a suitable donor."

"Yes,doctor."

"Now to get a stool sample from everyone else."

Dr.Poopendorf went back to the waiting room...

"Everyone,may I have your attention?"

Everyone stopped bickering to listen to the doctor...

"I need to take stool samples from everyone here to
determine who's poop Mr.Beaner will benefit from,and that person will
be chosen as the donor."

Dr.Poopendorf told them.

DOCTOR POOPENDORF'S LABORATORY:
A FEW HOURS LATER:

After everyone gave a stool sample,they entered the
lab to see if the results were in...

"Dr.Poopendorf? We don't mean to be a bug,but we were
wondering if you found out who will be the donor?"

"Not yet,FiFi.However,Herbert's results did come in,
but it turns out his turds were unusable."

"Ooh,but why?!" Herbert asked in his whinny childlike
voice...
"Well,Herbert.Because of all the chocolate,sugar,and
peanut butter you consume on a daily basis has turned your dooky into
undigested chocolate treats."

"Oh,me sorry."

Lady Tuna walked over to the tray of Herbert's turds,
and popped one in her mouth like a chocolate bom bom.Her face lit up
with glee...
"Mmmm!Say doc,you're right.It's both chocolatey,and
delicious.Tee,hee,hee."

Lady Tuna giggled.Everybody was grossed out,especially
FiFi who puked in the waste paper basket.

TIME OF THE CHOSEN TURD:

Another hour had passed as everyone waited for the
test results.Lady Tuna glanced over at Herbert Hinzburgh who sat next
to her...
"Do you like pudding?" Herbert asked her...

"I like Bee Bee puddin'.Ya' got any?" Lady Tuna asked...

"No."

"I didn't think so."

Dr.Poopendorf entered the waiting room with the test
results...
"Everyone? After looking over the test results,one
of you is the perfect candidate for the fecal transplant procedure,and
that person is...LADY TUNA."

Lady Tuna jumped up from her seat...

"I WON! I FUCKIN' WON!" She shouted in bliss...

"AAAAAH!!!!NO!NOOO!!!"

FiFi cried out,stomping her feet on the floor.Behind
her was a large board covering the hole in the wall.Betty Boo Boo bent
over,and pooped out a ton of confetti up in the air,showering over Lady
Tuna,as Nurse Noo Noo hands her a bouquet of red roses,and places a
jeweled tiara on Lady Tuna's head.She was then given a gold bed pan,and
escorted to the bathroom...

"Doctor,I don't understand? Why Lady Tuna?"

Questioned Sally Sibble...

"Well,Sally,it's because Lady Tuna's feces is very
potent,and enriched with healthy bacteria.It will give Mr.Beaner the
boost he needs to fight the infection."

"Oh,I see."

TWO WEEKS LATER:
MR.BEANER'S HOSPITAL ROOM:

The fecal treatment was a success,and now Mr.Beaner
is being discharged from the hospital.He was getting ready to leave
when Lady Tuna showed up...

"Hey,Mr.Beaner? How ya feelin'?" Lady Tuna asked...

"Eh,what are you doing here?!" Mr.Beaner snapped...

"Tisk!Tisk!Is that anyway to treat somebody that
saved your tired old hinny?"

"Eh,what is she talking about,2T2?"

"Lady Tuna,please?" 2T2 pleaded with her...

"But he has the right to know,2T2.Tee,hee,hee."

"Eh,know what?"

"That it was me that donated the dooky that saved
your life."
"Eh,no!I don't believe you!That's impossible!"

"Oh,but it's true,and now the essence of my dooky
germinates within your puckered old poopchute.Giving you the vitality
your meaties need.Tee,hee,hee."

"Eh,no!...NO!!!"

"Oh,yeahs!"

Lady Tuna kissed Mr.Beaner on the forehead,and
skipped out of the room,giggling...

"Tee,hee,hee!!!"

MY DINNER WITH LADY TUNA:

Lady Tuna arrived in front of the Pelican in a
evening gown,gloves,and the tiara she got from the hospital.2T2
watched her on the monitor...

"Well,here she comes.I can't believe you invited her
for dinner."
"Eh,I had to do something,2T2.I don't want people
thinking that I'm some sort of nasty meanie,besides we have to get rid
of those leftovers in the frig,and what better way to do that than to
load them onto Lady Tuna?"

Lady Tuna walked up the ramp to go inside.2T2 greeted
her...
"Welcome aboard,Lady Tuna."

"Why,thank you.Tee,hee,hee."

Lady Tuna looks around,and sniffs the air...

"(sniff)Aah!Somethin' smells yummy in the kitchen.
Thanks for inviting me to din din,Mr.Beaner."

"Eh,you're welcome Lady Tuna.2T2 cooked din din by
using FiFi's old recipe files."

"Oh,that's nice.Tee,hee,hee."

"Eh,2T2 was telling me how much you enjoyed eating
Herbert's doo doos,so he was nice enough to poop out a plateful for
dessert."
"Oh,how sweet of him.Tee,hee,hee."

Mr.Beaner & Lady Tuna put their differences aside,
and had a pleasant meal together.

THE END


© Copyright 2019 Joseph Small. All rights reserved.

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