The Case Of The Sinister Banquet

Reads: 324  | Likes: 1  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 1

More Details
Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
When Lady Tuna is sent on a diplomatic mission to
Cookamungus-X, she gets caught up in a bizarre
murder mystery.

Submitted: July 10, 2013

A A A | A A A

Submitted: July 10, 2013








Lady Tuna slepted across her bed naked when she received
a royal visit from Queen Chaknee...

"Rise,and shine,Lady Tuna!" The queen shouted...

"Come back in the afternoon,Asshole!"

Lady Tuna fired back...

"Don't you get sassy with me,you little slut! Now get
your ass off that bed,and get dressed! I have a special task that I want
you to do."
"A task,my queen?"

"Yes. The Coo Coo Council are planning a intergalactic
mission of peace to the planet Cookamungus-X to establish a better
relationship with the Cookamingians.I would like you to go on this trip
to represent Tunakia.By serving as our envoy,this will give you a chance
to redeem yourself,especially after you killed that diplomat in the 1980's."

"But,me don't want to be a diplomat,my queen."

"I had a bad feeling you would say something like that.
That's a pity,because I heard that Mr.Beaner will be serving as second in
command aboard the luxury Boo Boo taking them there."



"Well pack my bags,cuz I'm hauling my hinny to Cookamungus-X!


Ambassador Kibbles Darling entered the egg shaped transport
to take her to the Boo Boo that was orbiting the planet.The chicken based Cumbus
was chosen by the great houses of MOO,OINK,CLUCK,QUACK,and GOBBLE to go to
Cookamungus-X on thier behalf...

"Captain Flablicker,Ambassador Darling is onboard,and has been
escorted to her quarters."

"Okay,Honey.Set a course for Aqualooka to pick up
Ambassador Ooo Ooo."


The luxury class Boo Boo GRACEFUL FANNY headed for the
planet Aqualooka.


After picking up Ambassador Ooo Ooo.The Graceful Fanny
arrived in Tunakian space for Ambassador Tuna(Lady Tuna)...

"Captain,we are being hailed?"

"Open a channel,Honey."

Lady Tuna appears on the video screen...

"Permission to come aboard,Hussy?" Lady Tuna requested...

"Permission granted,and that's Captain Flablicker to

A Tunakian Boo Boo appears above the Graceful Fanny.
Lady Tuna's personal fighter detaches itself from the ship,and flies down
diagonally to the other Boo Boo...

"WEEEEE!!!" Lady Tuna shouted with glee.


Lady Tuna arrived at the dining hall wearing two gold
clam shells over her boobies,and another one covering her crotch.She also
wore a see-through cloak with a Elizabeth collar.Everyone were enjoying
themselves at the dinner party until they saw her.She brought everything
to a hault...

"Eh,what is she doing here?"

A shocked Mr.Beaner wanted to know as he looked at Lady
Tuna in disgust...

"I know how you feel,Honey.I don't want her smelly ass
around here anymore than you do,but this is a mission of peace,and we
have to try to get along with one another."

Captain Flablicker reminded him...

"Eh,oh,but she's so naughty,and ugly! I can't stand her!"

"Is that anyway to treat a diplomat? Tee,hee,hee."

Lady Tuna asked him...

"I hate to say this Mr.Beaner,but she's right.You have
to treat her with the proper protocals,Honey.You also have to show her
around,and introduce her to the other ambassadors."

"Eh,alright,Captain Flablicker,but I don't like it!
I don't like it at all!"

Mr.Beaner escorted Ambassador Tuna into the dining area
where the other ambassadors were socializing...

"Ambassador Tuna this is Ambassador Kibbles Darling of
"Please to meet you." Ambassador Darling greeted her...

"Uh,huh.You look just like a big fuckin' chicken."

Lady Tuna rudely commented...

"That's because her species are chickens,you stupid Bitch!"

Mr.Beaner snapped...

"Well,I never!"

Lady Tuna responded as she turned to Mr.Beaner,and looked
up & down at him...

"Eh,yes you have! More than once too! Now on to the next
Mr.Beaner stopped in front of Ambassador Ooo Ooo,who was
this purple cartoonish octopus in a giant goldfish bowl with a filtration
system attached to it...

"Ambassador Tuna this is Ambassador Ooo Ooo of Aqualooka."

Without a word,Lady Tuna stood there,and stared into
Ambassador Ooo Ooo limpid eyes.She then turned to Mr.Beaner...

"Are you sure this isn't the ambassador's pet?"

Lady Tuna whispered...

"Eh,oh! Stop it! Just stop it!"

Mr.Beaner grabbed Lady Tuna by the arm,and brought her over
to a girl who had a tomato for a head...

"Ambassador Poopa II,I like to present Ambassador Tuna
of Tunakia."
"Poopa Two? What happened to the first one?"

Lady Tuna wondered...

"She was killed in battle during the Turdbot Conflict."

Poopa II told her...


Mr.Beaner then took Lady Tuna to the end of the room to
greet the last two diplomats,Ambassador Tallahassee of Pluton,and Ambassador
Bonsai Bee Bee of Beebaria...

"Ambassador Tallahassee,you remember Ambassador Tuna?"

"Oh,why yes! It's nice to see you again."

"Uh,huh." Lady Tuna replied as she looked at Tallahassee's
large girth...
"So any progress on taking over the galaxy?"

Ambassador Tallahassee joked...

"Well,it's still on my bucket list of things to do before
I die.Tee,hee,hee."

"Oh,ha,ha,ha!" Ambassador Tallahassee laughed. Lady Tuna
then leaned over to the Bee Bee ambassador...

"Word of advice.Do not stand under Mrs.Tallahassee,cuz
if she happens to fall back on you,we'll have to send a search & rescue
team into her butt crack to find you."

Lady Tuna told him as she winked over at Ambassador
Tallahassee,who busted out laughing again...

"Oooh!Ha,ha,ha! Oh,she's so funny!"

2T2 came over next to Mr.Beaner...

"So,how are you holding up?" 2T2 asked...

"Eh,not good,2T2.Not good at all.I can't believe what
is going on here?"
Mr.Beaner confided in him...

"Well,hang in there.Maybe we'll get lucky,and crash into
a dookyroid."
"Eh,we can only hope."

Lady Tuna notices FiFi Bee Bee putting out food on the
buffet table,and she walks over to her...

"So what are you the ambassador of,FiFi? Gas? Tee,hee,hee!"

"No,you Tunakian Puta!" FiFi barked...

"Eh,now FiFi,as much as we hate Lady Tuna,we have to try to
be nice to her,so we don't break out into another war,and try to kill each
other off."
Mr.Beaner reminded her...

"OH!" FiFi stormed back into the kitchen angry...

"Oh,that Bitch has a lot of spunk.Tee,hee,hee!"

Lady Tuna commented.Everyone was a little startled when
the lights dimmed down,and a large mirrorball was lowered down from the
"Ladies & gentlemen,presenting the intergalactic pop
superstar...DIVA DIARRHEA!"

Shouted the announcer.Everyone applauded as Diva came
out on the small stage dressed in a silver mini skirt,and silver go go
boots.Her platinum blonde hair glowing under the colored lights.The whole
room went wild,and started dancing when Diva broke out singing her latest
hit..."Dooky On Fire"...








Diva Diarrhea spun around on stage,as everyone danced
to the funky futuristic Disco music.Ambassador Ooo Ooo swayed his purple
tentacles back & forth,splashing water out of his fishbowl,as Ambassador
Darling did a chicken scratch dance.Even Lady Tuna got into the groove...

"Ooh,do the Bump with me,Mr.Beaner!"

Ambassador Tallahassee shouted,as she threw out one of
her gigantic butt cheeks,and knocked Mr.Beaner into the buffet table...


After Diva was done with her song,FiFi came out of the
"Din din is served." FiFi announced in her whispery voice.
Everyone grabbed a plate,and went down the buffet table full of tasty
"Wow! It's too bad that I don't eat.FiFi really put out a
huge banquet for everyone."

2T2 commented...

"Eh,yes she did.After eating all this I hope of taking
a hardy poo in the morning." Mr.Beaner replied...

"I have to say,FiFi.Your food is very impressive for a
old washed up former stripper like yourself."

Ambassador Tallahassee rudely commented to FiFi Bee Bee...

"Yes,well try not to stuff your fat ugly face with the
whole table! Others have to eat too!" FiFi snapped back...

"Why you no good,low class harlot!"

Ambassador Tallahassee shouted.FiFi came around the table,
and the two started slapping each other,and fought.Lady Tuna stood on the
sidelines next to Mr.Beaner with a big shit eating grin on her face...

"Ah,just like old times! Tee,hee,hee!"

She said as she continued watching the two women pulling
on each others' hair...


Mr.Beaner looked on in shock as Captain Flablicker stepped
in to break up the fight...

"Stop it! You two Bitches better stop this shit right now!
Don't make me bust a boot in your fuckin' asses,Honey!"

Captain Flablicker warned them.When everyone settled down,
they sat,and ate their dinner.


After dinner,everyone retired to their rooms for the night.
They had alot of work & preparations to do the next day when the Graceful Fanny
would arrive in the orbit of Cookamungus-X. Mr.Beaner & 2T2 were asleep when
the aroma of cooked food entered the room...

"What's that smell?"

Mr.Beaner thought to himself,as he was awakened by the
yummy odors...
"Eh,2T2 wake up." Mr.Beaner whispered as he tapped on
"What is it,Mr.Beaner?"

"Eh,I smell something."

"Maybe you farted in your sleep?"

"No,no! It smells like roasted chicken."

"Chicken? Maybe FiFi is planning to send food down to
the planet?"
"Eh,I don't think so. The Cookamungians are handling
the food,because we are their guests."

"Let's investigate." 2T2 told him.They stepped out into
the corridor to find just the Coo Coo based guests standing outside their
rooms,confused by the food odors...

"Eh,FiFi wasn't cooking.She's right over there."

Mr.Beaner told 2T2 as he pointed at FiFi standing in
her doorway.Everyone followed the smells to the dining area.


"Captain Flablicker,the lifts & communications are not
functioning on the ambassador's level."

"What? Have you tried rebooting the system,Honey?"

Captain Flablicker suggested...

"I tried,but nothing is working."

"Shit! I don't like! I don't like this at all!"

"The only way to get to them is the ventilation shafts,
and it's a very long climb."

"What about the airlocks,Honey?"

"For security reasons,there are none on that level."

"2T2 has a built in communicator.Try contacting him."



When Mr.Beaner,and the rest of the group entered the
dining area,there were three very large platters with lids on the long
dining table. Everyone was suspicious...

"This can't be good." 2T2 told everyone...

"Some of the ambassadors are not here!"

Ambassador Tallahassee pointed out...

"You are right! Ambassadors Darling,Ooo Ooo,Bonsai,and
Poopa Two are not here!" 2T2 continued...

"You mean?"

"Yes. I fear the worst has happened our colleagues.Now
we need to find someone who has the balls to take the lids off those
"Like,I'm not going to do it!" Diva told them. Lady
Tuna came forth,and faced everyone...

"I guess I'm the only one who has any guts around here."

Lady Tuna turned back around,and walked up to the table.
When she pulled off one of the covers,everyone's fears came true for
someone had killed Ambassador Kibbles Darling,plucked her feathers out,
and roasted her golden brown in the oven. Now she was spreaded out on
a serving platter with roasted potatoes,carrots,and stuffing.Everyone
screamed in horror,except for Lady Tuna who was still hungry...

"MMMMMM! Roasted chicken!"

Lady Tuna grabbed a knife,and started carving into the
large bird.Mr.Beaner's mouth was gaped open in shock as she plated the
meat & stuffing,and began chowing it down...

"Ambassador Tuna, you do realize you are eating the
ambassador of Eggaloona?" 2T2 pointed out...

"Why,yeahs! Her meat is so tender & juicy,and her tasty
moist stuffing is to die for. Tee,hee,hee!"

FiFi Bee Bee got dizzy,and fell back on Mr.Beaner...

"Eh,somebody get a chair! FiFi passed out!"

"Gee,me wonder what's under lid number two?"

Lady Tuna playfully told the others as she lifted off
the lid from the second platter.Everyone gasped & screamed at what was
revealed. Someone had cut up Ambassador Ooo Ooo,and simmered him in
marinara sauce.He was served on top of a platter of hot cooked linguine...

"Eh,this is horrible! Horrible!" Mr.Beaner shouted out...

"Yes,it is horrible. He's been overcooked,and now his
flesh is chewy like rubber."

Lady Tuna responded as she picked up a spoon,and tasted
the sauce...
"The sauce ain't too bad.It needs a pinch more salt

"Eh,ooh!" Mr.Beaner gasped. Diva Diarrhea turned away,
and puked on the carpet...

"Now brace yourselves,Kiddies! Cuz we're gonna find out
what's under cover number three! Tee,hee,hee!"

As Lady Tuna quickly removed the lid,everybody's eyes
bulged out of their heads in sheer terror,followed by more screaming.
On the last platter was the tomato head of Poopa II. It had been carved
out in a fancy design,and stuffed to the rim with premium tuna salad...

"I'm afraid I got more grim news. I recieved a text
message from Captain Flablicker on the bridge. The elevators,and the
intercoms are not working. It seems we are trapped here for awhile."

2T2 told them...

"AAAAAAAAH!!!NO! NO!" FiFi screamed out,and broke down
crying. She went hysterical...

"Eh,FiFi please! Try to pull yourself together!"

Mr.Beaner pleaded with her as he shook her,and slapped
her across the face...

"Oh,my.Things keep getting better,and better
with each passing momment.Tee,hee,hee."

Lady Tuna commented as she scooped out some of the tuna
salad on to her plate,and put a spoonful of it into her mouth...

"MMMMMM! That's good! The chopped pickles really bring
out the flavor! Tee,hee,hee!"

Lady Tuna looks over at Ambassador Tallahassee,who's
eyes were bulging out in disbelief...

"Oh,don't mind me Ambassador Tallahassee.Grab yourself
a plate,and dive right in.Tee,hee,hee."

Lady Tuna told her with a nudge...

"Ooh,no thank you!" Ambassador Tallahassee said as she
turned away...
"Eh,2T2? What is Florence gonna do about all the naughty
Foo Foos that has happened?"

"Well,I texted her back,and gave her the lowdown on
what was happening up here. She told me her engineers are working on
the technical problems. She,and a few of her security guards are on
their way up here using the air shafts,but it will be awhile."

2T2 informed them...

"But,we all could end up dead,and processed into tasty
bite sized treats,before they get here." Diva pointed out...

"I hear you,Diva. The thing I want to know is who did
this,and why?" 2T2 wondered...

"Eh,it's obvious that Lady Tuna did it! She's the only
one who's evil here! Look at her smug,ugly face! She's relishing every
momment that's going on!" Mr.Beaner pointed out...

"What? I didn't do shit,you fuckin' dirty old bastard!"

Lady Tuna lashed out at Mr.Beaner...

"I don't think Lady Tuna did it. She's not creative or
clever enough to pull off this kind of shit.There's only one person here
who has the culinary skills to create such gourmet atrocities,and that
person is...FIFI BEE BEE."

2T2 claimed.Everyone gasped in shock as they turned
around,and looked at FiFi...

"What?! AAAAAAAH!!!" FiFi got up from her chair,and
"Eh,2T2 have you blown a fuckin' fuse in one of your
electrical meaties?! FiFi is much too squeamish to do something naughty
like this!"
"I don't know.FiFi was missing for all those years
without any memories of who she was.Why she could have one of those
split personalities.She's probably one of those serial killers."

Ambassador Tallahassee added...

"Eh,you're full of crappytoo,Mrs.Tallahassee! Everyone
knows you hate FiFi,and would do anything to hurt her,including framing
her for murder!" Mr.Beaner snapped...

"What? That's preposterous! I don't know how to cook!
I'll have you know that I eat at restaurants,and I have take out food!"

"And by the looks of it,alot of take out food...(Burp)"

Lady Tuna added.Ambassador Tallahassee continued...

"And I have all my receipts to back it up too! You have
beans in your head,Mr.Beaner! Beans!"


FiFi got up,and ran to the kitchen...

"Eh,FiFi where are you going?" Worried Mr.Beaner...

"I'm going to lock myself in the kitchen!" FiFi shouted...

"Eh,no FiFi! No!"

When FiFi ran inside the kitchen,she let out a blood
curdling scream...


Everybody ran to the kitchen to find FiFi standing in
front of a gigantic fudge swirled ice cream parfait with layers of ground
up Bee Bee chunks marbled within. It was topped with whipped cream,and
a freakish,grapefruit sized maraschino cherry...

"Well,it looks like we found Ambassador Bonsai."

2T2 confirmed. Lady Tuna came into the kitchen with
her eyes lit up with delight...

"Ah, Bee Bee parfait! My favorite! Oh,FiFi,you really
shouldn't have.Tee,hee,hee."

"But,I didn't do this!" FiFi pleaded with them...

"Well,this is odd?" 2T2 said...

"Eh,what is it,2T2?" Mr.Beaner asked...

"Well,when somebody dies,I no longer pick up their
meatie signatures on my sensors.Excluding myself,there were nine people,
but with the four ambassadors now dead,there should be five signatures.
I'm picking up seven!"

"Eh,holy dooky on a stick! You mean?..."

"Yeah. There's two extra people on this floor."

"Eh,do you know where they are right now?"

"Yeah,actually they're...."

Suddenly the lights went out,followed by a laserblast.
There was screaming & scuffling about in the darkness for a couple of
minutes.When the lights came back on,Mr.Beaner was missing,and 2T2 was
on the floor.He had been hit with a energy blast that shorted him out.
Now only four remained...

"Mr.Beaner? AAAAAAAAH!!!! He's gone! AAAAAAAAAAH!!!"

FiFi went berserk,and started screaming again.Lady
Tuna started shaking & slapping her silly to snap her out of it...

"Get a hold of yourself,Bitch! We ain't got time for
this shit! So,don't make me slap you again,unless it's for sexual reasons!"

Lady Tuna warned her...

"What are we gonna do? We're trapped here with the
killers!" Diva feared...

"I've been dead before,and I faced death plenty of
times. I say we go find these motherfuckers,and beat the shit out of
Lady Tuna declared...

"Well,I'm not going anywhere with you!" FiFi told her...

"Me,neither." Diva added...

"Fine! You two skinny bitches can stay here,and hide!
I'd rather go with Mrs.Tallahassee anyway! If something should go wrong,
I can always crawl up into her fat ass,and use it as a hiding place!"

Lady Tuna grabbed Ambassador Tallahassee by the arm...

"Come on,ambassador.Let's go kill ourselves a couple
of sick bastards!"
Lady Tuna grabbed a carving knife from the buffet table,
and handed it to Ambassador Tallahassee...

"Here. Take this,ambassador. If someone fucks with you,
you cut off their peckers!"

"Oh,alright. What are you going to use?"

Ambassador Tallahassee asked...

"Oh,don't worry about me. I have a secret weapon in my
special spot."
Lady Tuna told her,as she patted her crotch...

"Oh." Ambassador Tallahassee nodded.


When they arrived at the kitchen,the doors were closed...

"Oooh! I'm scared!" Ambassador Tallahassee told Lady Tuna...

"Uh,huh. I have a real itchin' that there's someone in
the kitchen,and I'm gonna find out who it is."

Lady Tuna opened the doors,and got the shock of her
life.Standing in front of her was LYDIA EXTRAVAGANZA,and her butler

"That's right! Now stay back,you Whore!"

Lydia shouted in a angry voice.Lady Tuna looked down
to find Mr.Beaner naked & tied up in a roasting pan filled with potatoes,
carrots,and celery.He had a apple stuffed in his mouth...

"I thought I killed you on Dookyroid-Z?"

"No,you didn't,Lady Tuna.Luckily for me, my shuttle
was inside the air shield just before you destroyed it. My trusted butler
Conslaw pulled me from the debris,and nursed me back to my old self.While
I was recovering from my injuries,my hatred,and my passion to take revenge
on you grew stronger with each passing day.When I found out through the
media that you going on this trip,I managed to pay off one of the maids
to sneak me onboard this Boo Boo. It was I who commited the murders,
hoping you would be blamed for them,because you're such a evil slut.
I had no idea that FiFi Bee Bee would be the prime suspect,nor did I
know that the Clausin droid could detect our presence. Now my plans are
to be changed as I am going to roast the man you love...Mr.Beaner!"

"Ooooh! Not Mr.Beaner?!"

Ambassador Tallahassee shouted in horror...

"You know Lydia? You are one sick fucked up Bitch,and
I truly respect & admire you for that,but you burn one pubic hair off
Mr.Beaner's body? I'm gonna blast your fuckin' ass away!"

Lady Tuna warned her as she pulled out a laser pistol.
Just then Captain Flablicker arrived with four security guards...

"Where did you get that laser pistol from,Honey?"

Captain Flablicker wanted to know...

"In the one place where your security guards forgot
to check,Captain Flablicker.I smuggled the gun inside my pussy."

"Oh,my goodness!"

Lydia kicked Mr.Beaner into the oven...

"Activate the oven,Conslaw!"

"Yes,madame!" Conslaw complied. Captain Flablicker
leaped into action,and tackled Lydia to the floor. Lady Tuna was quite
aroused by it all...

"Oh,goody! Another cat fight! Tee,hee,hee!"

Conslaw was about to push the button on the oven when
Lady Tuna aimed her laser at him...

"No you don't,Asshole!"

Lady Tuna shouted.She pulled the trigger,and blasted
Conslaw away...
"Oh,Bitch!" Lydia hissed,as she tried to push Captain
Flablicker off,but the captain overpowered her with a few bitch slaps...

"Security,take this Bitch to the brig!"

Captain Flablicker ordered. Two of the security guards
grabbed Lydia off the floor...

"I hate you,Lady Tuna! Someday I'll have my revenge,
and destroy your life,as you did mine!"

Lydia threatened...

"Oh,yeah? Take a number,and get in line,Hussy!"

Lady Tuna snared.Captain Flablicker walked over to
"I don't believe I'm gonna say this,because we've been
mortal enemies for years,but you did good,Lady Tuna. Thank you,Honey."

"Uh,huh. No problem."

Said Lady Tuna,as she rolled her eyes in disbelief...

"Oooh! I thought she was wonderful!"

Ambassador Tallahassee added. She was very impressed
with Lady Tuna...
"Say,Ambassador Tallahassee? I think I saw a cheese
cake on the buffet table.Let's go pig out on it,and make FiFi upset?

Lady Tuna grabbed Ambassador Tallahassee by the arm,
and escorted her to the buffet table. Meanwhile,Captain Flablicker,and
the other two guards pulled Mr.Beaner out of the oven...

"Are you okay,Honey?"

Captain Flablicker asked,as she pulled the apple from
Mr.Beaner's mouth...

"Eh,yes.But what about 2T2?" Mr.Beaner worried...

"I'll get someone in maintenance to repair his robo-


Lady Tuna entered Queen Chaknee's royal court...

"Lady Tuna,I'm so sorry your trip to Cookamungus-X
was cancelled due to Lydia's murderous rampage."

"Sorry? Me had a great time."

"You did?" The queen was baffled...

"Why yeahs! There was food,death,gore,intrigue,
suspense and girl fights all to the soundtrack of cheesy Disco music.
I couldn't ask for a better dinner party.Tee,hee,hee."

"Wow! I'm glad you enjoyed yourself."

"Oh,I did. I also made a friend there too."

"You did? Who?" Queen Chaknee was surprised...


"The ambassador of Pluton?"

"Tee,hee,hee! Why yeahs!"

Queen Chaknee slipped off his throne.He couldn't
believe what he had just heard...

"I must say,you are full of surprises.After all that
has happened,you made some important progress. I'm impressed!"

Queen Chaknee was quite pleased...

"Do you like,my queen?" Lady Tuna blushed...

"Oh,yes I do like. If the Coo Coo Council decides to
reschedule the trip,would you be willing to go?"

Queen Chaknee asked...

"Just try,and stop me! Tee,hee,hee!"

Lady Tuna responded. She then winks,and giggles like
she's posing in front of a movie camera.


© Copyright 2019 Joseph Small. All rights reserved.

Add Your Comments: