if you were going to lie, you should have done it earlier:
the beats are beating and sounds are sounding and i am off completely
she says, we've only some amount of time and i know she's right by a complex process of elimination and she says to me
did you rethink at all?
and i didn't, but she knew that because again with the elimination and she knows everything and it's just common fact that she will always understand. and 'she' is some unidentifiable story lost in the pages of a failing magazine with type-type-typos (or b-positives, if considering numerics) and it's all quite out of context. it's a clean apartment in a dirty city, it's white shoes in muddy places and being in love and being selfish,
it doesn't work (? try plugging it in)
and you never thought it would but it's only just something to get you by for now and the times will pass and you will forget that you were ever born. do you remember the first time you knew sin?
and if you can write but you can't edit then you've lost it entirely; circle lights and the one time it happened is really just the first and the christmas tree was a giant sort of goliath and the bible is only relevant when you're being good or someone else is being bad; you'd like to believe that what you're inhaling is truth but it's only convenience.
she does this fucking crazy thing where she breaks out in this random brilliance, and it kills me because there's not even a warning that what's about to come out of her mouth is the most profound important thing saul williams and the temptations and i ever heard; but she does this- this thing- this one time; she opens her mouth to speak and she says
if truth were permanent we wouldn't be dead
and nobody even thinks to ask what she means because did anyone ever ask einstein if he did his long division right? and nobody asks those inane kind of questions so she can say what she wants and we will buy it, we'll always buy it. so she will always sell it and if consumer demand is high enough who are we to tell her it's not right? we are all a little bit of prostitues and a little bit of helplessness and if only we had any idea the kind of colors they use for that thing and the thought that goes into what alignment the page number should have we'd stop our talking.
the story is broken up so we lie to fill in the missing things, we lie to fill in our missing things and then suddenly one day we go missing ourselves. and a cop pulls up his car outside of a lake and so we run into it because it made sense then, and jimmy eat world says you have two choices it's a lonely evening and you have two choices you can have
the drugs or me
and it is such a shame that the answer changes but we always knew it would and the places are still lonely and the pavement is still wet with guilt and shame and you, your skin and his skin and your sweat mixes and it's better than a kiss because it is impersonal, it is better because it only hurts as much as you want it to and it's like changing numbers on the scale to satisfy the beast of self-masochism in us because humans have always been most willing to die for pain while the animals have some sense and run away instead, because honor is a uniquely person-like way to be insecure and if a monkey has fat on it that means it's good for carrying babies and so the fat women win that one time,
and that one comment could ruin everything i've written my whole life
and then my eyes close and then it's done but it's never really done because it only keeps going, and twenty years is the same as twenty thousand and send me a microwave because it's about to get chilly chilly chilly and it's crazy here and i do not want to be alone. she says to me she says quite softly
i do not want to be alone.
© Copyright 2017 Josephine Ann. All rights reserved.
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