The Difference is Death

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Literary Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
A darker one.

Submitted: September 11, 2012

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Submitted: September 11, 2012



She wanted to fly, to achieve the childish dream that had stayed with her until now, when at the young age of seventeen, she found she was lost, spiraling into a depressive space where only the most talented Freudian Thought-Divers could go, into the space that mixed reality into the past, and what could have been mixed with what was. She thought back to when she had first met him, to what her life had been before, or at least she would have, if it hadn't been so damn painful. She was a short girl, shy anyways, and her exceptional beauty was hidden by the loose clothing she wore. No one thought to much of her, especially now, when she had withdrawn, and her hair had been cut short, down almost to her neck, and her dark eyes were the only clue that something was wrong. It had all seemed like a dream at first, one she was reluctant to wake up from. Now she had started thinking though, about the first day she saw him, and she could not keep back the waves of guilt she felt, about now being the time to break the news to his parents...

"I have to say something now, because If I don't, then I never will..."

"Okay sweetie, what is it?" Had been their reply.

She had to say it, it was so important, but would they take it right? Would it be okay? Or would they hate her for it, for what a life the two of them had planned. It was to late to try to explain now, the die was cast, and the only way to rid herself of the guilt was to break the crystalline structure over their heads.

"I'm not pregnant."

In the simple statement, a wave cascaded over her head, and the look on his parent's faces was one of disbelief and shock. She knew that she had to keep speaking, it was her only defense, to keep them reeling while she considered her next move. It was not the right time, but it would be the last time that she would see them, ever. They didn't understand, but when she said that she wouldn't have time to tell them later, she really meant it, and it was better for them to hear it from her.

"I have been wearing this thing," she said, pulling her shirt up, and revealing the bag that had been her baby, "for the last seven months, and keeping my secret, with care, not even my parents knew. I read his journal one day, and he said in it that the only way he would stay with me was if I had his child. So I had no choice, I did what I had to to keep him around"

By this point, his parents had sufficiently recovered to respond, "what were you going to do when it was due, how was that going to play out?"

"We were to be married in November, so that the baby would not be born a bastard, and then, I could reveal all to him, for he would be mine forever." 

"What about divorce?" They were yelling now, but she didn't care, "What about all of his other options, the colleges that denied him because of you!?"

She broke down, and started to cry, realizing for the first time that keeping him around this way was not what it should have been,she realized all he had given up, the things he had said didn't matter to him, but now, with it all stripped away, she could see his pain, his anguish, at the thought of how much more he could have been, how different this ending would be if she had listened to his pleas, to get the abortion, the one that she couldn't have. She ran. She ran all the way home, to where the noose was already made, the letter already written, the end of her life already in front of her. Or at least, she would have, if she had made it that far. 

Crossing the intersection of Oak and Main, her vision blurred by the tears, her long awaited Death found her. Without bothering to look, without caring, she ran into the street. The horns blared, but there was no avoiding this one. Maybe, if the driver had been paying attention, if he hadn't been driving his truck for far too long, then he would have seen her coming, but, asleep at the wheel, he only woke up in time to feel her small body crushed, flattened, and ruined beneath his truck.

She woke up, and at first, she felt fine, but as reality gripped her, she realized her pain. But in was only momentary, until she realized what must have transpired, and she found herself without a care, floating in a free expanse, without Earth or body to hold her down, and she got what she had always wanted, she was able to fly. Endlessly, alone, not knowing that her few actions, had cost many the lives laid out before them, and thinking to herself that she could have been honest, could have let him go, and she would still be alive. Maybe. After all, the way she told the world, it was so harmless, but she knew not what to say, even though something should have been said. It was after all, a status update, and the difference between taking it all back and her life as it was now, is Death.

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