What have I become

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
All alone and feeling hopeless. But is there light at the end of the tunnel?

Submitted: April 07, 2016

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Submitted: April 07, 2016

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As I sit alone in my car, I wonder how my life has reached this point. Where did I go wrong? What did I do to deserve this? I'm not sure why I ask the questions to myself because I already know the answers. I recall every wrong road I have gone down yet I try to deny it. I try to deny the failed marriage that has taking my first love and daughter away from me. I try to deny the years wasted at the bottom of a vodka bottle trying to forget. I try to deny the anger that ruins every relationship with anyone that gets close to me. But try as I might, the feeling come rushing back. And as I sit in my car alone and homeless, I wish I could go back in time and change everything. Every night the fantasy of a perfect life carries me off to sleep. And every morning I wake to a new nightmare called life filled with monsters of depression and pain. As I reach for my canned goods that have sustained me so far, I try to be thankful that I at least have enough money for food. The only thing that keeps me going is the though of my child hundreds of miles away. The only reason I wake up in the morning is to drag myself to work to make sure her and her mother are provided for. That is my sole purpose in life even if that means I have to sleep in a parking lot each night. I know that they will never have to go through what I am as long as I live. Even though I am at the lowest point in my life, it has taught me a lot. It has taught me to be strong and slowly I am changing my ways. I have come to terms with the infidelity that broke my heart many years ago. And with that first step I have conquered the bottle that was drowning me in anger. My mind is more clear on what I must do. My goals are set on where I must go. Home. It's not enough anymore to provide without being there. It's not enough seeing my child once a month and driving hours for only one day. I am a survivor and I will fight with all of my strength to be apart of the world again. To be apart of her life. This job has kept me away for too long and it's time for a change. As I lay the drivers seat to my car back I have a new thought that carries me off to sleep. No more do I want to change the past. Instead I want to mold my future. It will be hard but it is a challenge I gladly accept. And as I start to drift off to sleep I know tomorrow will be better.


© Copyright 2017 Josh Vladarski. All rights reserved.

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