Testimony #1

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Religion and Spirituality  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is poem/essayof what i want to tell all those who doubt or are unsure about their faith or about if god is good. I want them to know that many Christians feel the same way.

Submitted: February 25, 2016

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Submitted: February 25, 2016

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Testimony #1

 

I can tell you any number of verse that inspire me to be faithful. Romans 3: 23-24

“ for all have fallen short of the glory of god and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus”

I am broken, yet forgiven all given to me freely. I just have to believe. But I know, believing is harder than a Disciple makes it out to be…or at least it is for you and me

If that doesn’t work....I can quote men who will be better with words than I ever will be.

“ if we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world in this world can satisfy, then the most likely explanation is that we are made for another world….”-  C.S. Lewis

I can tell you about my depression, my turns towards anything but God to get me through a sleepless night. I can tell you about who and what I’ve lost and how, it wasn’t until I sought God......that I began to heal.

I figure if I tell you enough of these “testimonies” I may succeed at pulling at your heart strings and maybe i can make you think that maybe this kid has a point.

But, a few days…or weeks....will roll around and something will happen that will make you forget about my stories

maybe a significant other leaves you, a loved one gets ill, family breaks up or dies, friends go distant…..you will see good people suffer and wonder why the hell you would even consider that there is a god who is merciful….and I get that…. Cause I think it to, constantly…..

As of today I cannot honestly say that i believe god is a good, good father. I cannot honestly say that i follow his, or his sons commands they left me in their book

 

I cannot say that I am kind or gentle. That I am a missionary, preacher or apostle. I cannot say that I am anything good that the word “Christian” might be associated with….

But I am everything that can be said about a Christian in a negative light….I am a hypocrite, rude, judgmental, and so many others.

 

I tell you this, so when you hear me say that "I believe in Jesus" you understand that my faith is just as rocky as yours. That I’ve spent more nights reaching out to god and feeling nothing than feeling loved.

That I’ve said more prayers out of anger for the father, then asking for his forgiveness.

I’ve told him I loved once, I cannot tell you how many times I told him to go fuck himself  for not being there for me, my friends or my family.

 

But I still, will call myself a Christian because sometimes, I feel happy.

When I reach my arm out to the sky and sing his praise I smile from ear to ear

 I. feel. Happy.

When I write about my faith, I feel god and feel assured that my doubt is nothing to be concerned with....When I miss my family, when the holes that are in my heart because of their absence I reach out to god and feel satisfied.

This is not a testimony of an overly spiritual Christian who has all the love in the world to give to you, no,  it’s the testimony of a guy who’s just tired of being in a fucking hole feeling miserable and alone. This is a testimony of a cynical man who has doubt, anger and resentment not only for his god, but for himself, his church and the world around him.

The only difference between me and a non-believer, is one time I dared God to make me feel his presence and not only did he make me feel ocean waves role down my back, he also put this thought in my head that I still can’t out! And I believed him when he told me

“there’s a reason to give it all"

I don’t know what “it” is, or the reason why to give “it”. But I’d rather meet god covered in my sin and anger towards him, then find out all the answers to our questions through hellfire. All I ask is that you help me get meet god, and I’ll help you do the same, so we can satisfy our soul because if I know anything about giving a testimony or about having faith is that

there is a reason to give it all.  

 

Joshua Stafford

2/26/16


© Copyright 2017 Joshua Stafford. All rights reserved.

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