Lilly: “Most people think that individuals are born shy, that there must be something wrong with them because they choose not to socialize, to keep their heads down. To tell you the truth, I do think that there is something wrong with me, but it has nothing to do with me being shy. I have grown up all of my life thinking that I am defective, that the wires in my brain, or my mouth for that matter, cross over and are not connected properly some how. It seams like no matter what I do, no one will ever want me… so why should I even try? No matter what I do or say, people are going to find something to be upset about with me. My parents didn’t even want me, my own mother and father.” (girl is holding a pregnancy test and is telling the guy that it is positive. He knocks it from out of her hands and storms off the stage) She got knocked up when she was seventeen and he wanted nothing to do with it. How is that supposed to make me feel. After spending nine months in her womb, she still found something wrong with me and had the doctors throw me away to some group home. I don’t remember the first family, only vague faces, and I have no idea what I had done to have them send me back. The second and thirds are a blur. I remember the fourth and fifth though… the Mongomerys” (couple walks up and waves) “and Smiths” (second couple walks up and waves), “both sent me back so fast that I don’t even remember what colour the front door to the houses were. As I got older, everything became very clear. It wasn’t really what I would do to upset them, it was what I said. I just wouldn’t shut up. It was like having a life-long case of diarrhoea of the mouth. I finally realized that maybe I could just stay with a family for a little longer if I didn’t say anything at all. I even stopped responding to questions that were directed to me personally. That’s when the anger started, the real rage. I didn’t have an outlet, with the whole ‘non-talking thing’, so I started to break stuff… a lot of stuff. Anything I could find, books, movies, mail boxes… the whole works. Then I started to be shipped back once again, which is when I started to draw. Sketches, paintings, doodles, comics. Everything seemed to make sense then. I even started to like the group home,” (stands hand in hand with a family) “and every new family is like a new adventure. The only problem that still stands is school. I can keep up with my grades no problem, it’s the whole ‘friendship’ thing that I cannot seem to figure out. With every new family, came a new school and new classmates. Eventually I got tired of leaving people behind so I stopped making friends. My life can be so complicated and yet simple at the same time, but I would take anger over loneliness any day.”
© Copyright 2016 Joy Evans. All rights reserved.
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