It's a match.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Anything


Young love is a different kind of love. You have so many questions with very little-to none answers. I wrote this before I even been intiment with a boy (let alone been in a relationsship). Now
some time has passed, and I can only say despite my experience: love still isnt as easy as I want it to be.


It’s a match.

“It’s a match!”. Big white letters filling half of the phone screen, the other half, our pictures. No way! A guy that attractive “liked” one of my pictures? (Well that surly makes one feel better!) “Send text. Or keep on swiping.” Well it would be too awkward if I texted right away… right? A guy that attractive, probably matches with more girls than I want to think about, it’s better if I wait. (Right?) Oh, what have I done to be in such “mess”, I already matched with at least 15 other guys, and I haven’t even said a word. How do I start? How should I start? Oh, why did things become so… difficult?

 

(Let’s look on how it all started!)

“Yes, take that one, the one where you are in a car.” My sister said, her boyfriend nodded.

“Uh, what about this one?”

“No! Not that one!” My sister said, I just looked at her, “Why? What’s wrong with it?”.

“You just look… boring, in that picture, like a none.” My sister’s boyfriend, took away my phone. A none? But I like this picture, well, they probably know what’s best, they had tinder before. I have been single for a long time now, and I’m getting sick of it. I keep questioning why I, of all people, am not worthy of so simple as “love”? My mom keeps saying that either I’m too picky, or I’m not trying hard enough for it. (Well it’s not like I have ever tried this before, how am I supposed to know what to do!) So my sister took it in her own hands, and with the help of her trusty boyfriend, they made me a tinder. (So I finally will shut up, about being so lonely?).

“This is a good picture of you.” My sister’s boyfriend found an old drunk photo of me.

“But… I’m drunk, don’t I look… weird?”

“No, this indicates that you are a person who likes to have fun. You need to show yourself off, let everyone know who you are.” He said, my sister nodded. (But it’s tinder, come on.)

“Okay If you say so… What else should I have?”

“The one where you are in black and white colours (It’s a really good photo of me!), the one where you are in an art museum, and lastly, the one your sister have of you.” He said. Well I can’t complain, they are not bad photos of me, but they don’t really show off the real me. After those photos, my sister and her boyfriend helped me, write my biography. (Boy, that actually took some time.)

The night went on, how I started to match with some guy. Me and my sister’s boyfriend actually had a lot of fun writing with this guy. (We weren’t teasing him or anything! He was a sweet guy, but he didn’t seem that interested, so I just stop answering him after a while.)

 

(Now to present time.)

I have been coming out of my “shell” lately. That would mean, that I’m “hooked” on tinder, and writing with some guys. (Either they start the conversation or I do.) But every time I would go on tinder, to either swipe or talk with guys, I would always feel so “little” about myself. Already in the beginning of this “adventure”, I saw (still see!) tinder as something “superficial”, because you literally judge people on their looks. But that wasn’t just the problem. No, the thing is… I already am in love with someone. I will refer him as “Matt”. (That’s not his real name, so you can’t look him up!)

Matt is this typical shy boy, but he is sweet. However, Matt is also a boy you can’t “read”. I can’t find out if Matt shares the same feelings as I do, or if Matt doesn’t see me like that. Because Matt would change, and give me mixed signals. (We never kissed or things like that.) My mother said, that Matt is probably just not into all this dating thing, she knows him since she works with him at the same school. (Don’t worry, he isn’t an old freak, he is only 19.) 

So when I entered tinder, I would always get so mixed signals, like, I shouldn’t do this, what will Matt think, what will his friends think? But on the other hand, me and Matt are not “a thing”, we have a form of friendship, with some flirting. I mean, at the last party, I was sure he liked me too! The way he looked at me when we talked, it would make my knees melt, plus, his friends are teasing him with me. So things like that, makes me think that him and me do have a chance.

But then, Matt would change. Even though Matt is your typical shy boy, he can be very accommodating. Well one day he wasn’t. It hardly felt like he even would talk with me, and he slowly walked away from me. (Yes… I know, it’s sad.) Thoughts went around in my head:

“Did I do something wrong? Is he mad at me? Was this because I talked with another guy, cheerfully and laughing right in front of him?” (That last part: He was an old friend, a very sweet guy!)

But then I got filled with rage. Oh, that’s one of my biggest problem, anger and jealousy. “How dare he? I can talk with whoever I want, I’m not even his girlfriend. He acts like I did something wrong!”

So that ended up with a “I will show him!”, and I went on tinder. I found a cute guy, and gave him a “like”, it was already a match. “Should I write to him? Fuck it. It’s not like Matt even cares anyway.”

The attention from these guys on tinder. They say I’m pretty, they give me a lot more attention than Matt. But when I’m listening to “Can’t sleep love” by the Pentatonix, I can’t help but feel like I am that song. I think of Matt. Oh, why do I think of him?

“Cause I can’t do it anymore!”

Why? What even makes him that special? I should just find one of those tinder guys, and hook up with them. Who needs love anyway, I have been living so long without it.

“Maybe I’m too picky, Honey”

I’m not too picky! Sure, I don’t choose every guy I see, but a girl is allowed to have morals, right? What kind of friend would I be, if I started dating my girl-friend’s ex?

“But I’m not in the world you’re in”

I’m in my own world. A world without “honey” or “darling”, or late Friday nights watching some boring movie about some boring love story. I’m fine this way.

“I’m not in it for the money”

I do love money. But it’s hard to find someone who is that rich.

“I’ve been looking for the real thing”

I honestly don’t know what I’m looking for. I just feel like I’m missing something. All my girl-friends have lovers, heck even more than one, and I’m still here, alone. I’m looking for an answer to a question I don’t even know what’s about.

In a way, I guess I’m just tired of being alone, but I also like being alone. I’m not an easy person, perhaps, that’s why it’s hard for me to find love. 

 


Submitted: December 07, 2017

© Copyright 2021 JS. All rights reserved.

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