My Addiction

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
My story while in my act of addiction.

Submitted: August 19, 2014

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Submitted: August 19, 2014



To be Addicted is to "be physically and mentally dependent on a particular substance, and unable to stop taking it without incurring adverse effects." ..Pretty simple right? Anyone could figure out the definition on any search engine. Anyone could just assume they know all about addiction from a dictionary right? Wrong!..I too was that girl that pointed fingers, judged, and put drug addicts in an unfavorable category up until the shoe was on the other foot. I've been called a scumbag, a bad mother, a junkie, a piece of shit, and was even told I should just die. My mug shots were thrown all over social media for everyone to point and laugh at. With almost 2 years of sobriety, I still face those people that take every chance they can to throw my addiction in my face or have those that doubt my sobriety, period. I can not change peoples minds about me, if your mind is already set, I will not beg for you to like me. I can however try to send the message to those who don't know what its like to be an addict, those trying to figure out why people have a hard time with addiction, and I can try to prevent someone from being where I was almost 4 years ago! This is my story; I will not hold back what I want to say, I will be HONEST about who I was, and I will not be offended if you like me any less for what I say.. Happy Reading!


Growing up, I feel as if I had a pretty normal childhood. My father was not around, but I have a step-father who played the role, so I did not feel like there was much love lost in the situation. I was raised to stand up for myself and take no shit from anyone and to never be dependent on a man.  I was raised not to be a follower. And I was raised to have respect for my elders. I ended up in Walton from fifth grade until I graduated. I believe I was just entering high school when I was hearing about Marijuana, and when I asked my mother about it, I was told if she ever found it in her house or that I was doing it, she was going to send me to live with my father. Getting kicked out and having to move in with my father was always the threat that worked best against me. I hated my dad growing up. I did get in to some trouble with my friends in my senior year, where 5 of us were suspended for a senior prank. That was the one and only time I was in trouble in school, besides the drama with other girls, I am female after all. When I went to college I decided to pick the hardest major, and ended up graduating with a 3.2 GPA, the Vice President of the Criminal Justice Chapter in the college, and a 2 year Associates Degree. I worked my ass off, and was in no way the cliche college party girl. Even after college, I was still convinced "pot" was the worst drug known around.  After graduation, I decided to move out of my mothers.  Eventually I got a Full Time, great paying job with benefits, bought myself a brand new car, was sitting nice and cozy in my own place, and even managed to lose 40lbs. Life was good. My friends and I would always get together on the weekend, go up on the family land, and party until the next morning. At one of these parties, I ended up meeting someone. Someone who has changed my life in more ways than one; good and bad. 


This guy and I end up hanging out more and more until we actually decide together that we would like to start and official relationship. Almost immediately after we decided to make things official, the head games began as well as the mental and verbal abuse. Our relationship was on and off every other week. I started noticing he was too "tired" to do anything and was always going off to do this or do that with his friends, never wanting to hang out anymore.  I found out just 3 months into our so called "relationship" that I was pregnant. I told him, and the phone was hung up on me. I then heard from him 2 days later and he had acted as if nothing was the matter and we needed to tell his mother. As we sat her down and told her we had to tell her something, before we could even speak she said "don't even tell me she's pregnant." I laughed it off until we were asked if we have considered an abortion. Of course the idea was planted in his head and I kept getting hounded to get an abortion until I finally put my foot down to keep this baby. After I made it clear to everyone that I was keeping this baby, I was completely abandoned by him and his family, told I was "trapping" him, and the constant verbal attacks and drama began from his mother and his sisters. I moved out of the house I was renting, into my mothers for a month, and then moved into another apartment, alone, at 6 months pregnant. I went for walks as much as possible to keep myself occupied, and every night in my bed I cried and begged god to "get this baby out of me", just so I could feel complete again. Throughout the next few months I heard over and over that the guy I fell in love with and was having a child with, was using prescription pills and was seeing other girls every other week. I was so heartbroken and depressed. I was pissed that I've allowed myself to let a guy hurt me as much he was. For some reason this guy still had control over me and my actions, and all he had to do was text me or come to the apartment for 5 minutes, say "I love you" and leave. I knew what he was doing, I knew his intentions weren't good, and I knew that it was about him having control over me even if he wanted nothing to do with me. This guy had made me feel like no one else would want me, I wasn't attractive enough to get anyone else, and no guy wants to be dad to someone else' child. I felt like he was all I could have and I had to keep trying to make it work, or I would be alone forever.


I had my regular prenatal doctors appointment on June 4, 2010. When I walked out of the ultrasound room, the nurse said "congratulations, your getting what you wanted, your going to have a baby today!" I let my sisters and my friends know, and they all sat by my side, through labor, showing their continuous love and support. At 11:54pm, Jaiden Paige Shelton was born at 8lbs. even and 22 1/2 inches long. I instantly felt like all the pain and hurt was gone and my life was now complete! Jaidens birth was and still is one of  my biggest accomplishments to this day. Jaidens father was out partying with his new fling when he found out she had arrived. He begged me to come up to see her, and regardless of who he was with and where he was, I agreed. While he was on his way to the hospital I made my family leave so there was no issues. I felt like a complete asshole. My family sat there through my labor and birth, and I kicked them out so a guy that only wanted us at his convenience, could come validate being a parent. I allowed him to stay and he even came home with us. I thought that Jaidens birth would be his eye opener and we were finally going to be the family that I have always imagined having for myself. Two weeks later, he had gone back to on and off and always having something to do with someone else. I stooped down to low levels just to get him back to Jaiden and I, and began holding Jaiden over him and his families head, still, he had no interest until it was at his convenience. Over and over everyone had told me to just leave him alone, forget him, and live my life for Jaiden and I. I felt as if that was always easier said than done. I was prescribed Vicodin from the birth of Jaiden, took one, my stomach got so upset and I hated the feeling it gave me, so I decided to stop using them. Rather than getting rid of them, I let them sit in my dresser and it wasn't too long afterwards that Jaidens father had started to ask about them. I knew he wanted them and I knew he was abusing them, so I knew I had some sort of control over him, and eventually got him to openly admit that he was using opiate drugs to get high. I gave them to him, all of them. I even went to the pharmacy and refilled the script, knowing that as long as I did have something he wanted, he would stay around. I became a co-dependent partner. I became someone that did something that I was against just to get the love and affection I longed for from this guy. I knew in my heart was not ready to settle down.


In late October, I began to start abusing the prescription pills with Jaidens father when Jaiden was with my family. It was not something that I needed everyday to keep me feeling normal, but when him and I took the pills together, it was like falling in love all over again. When we were high together, he loved me, showed me attention, and gave me all the affection I was looking for from him. We were still continuously in love one day, and hating each other the next, trying to make each other as miserable as possible. The drama between his family and I only continued to get worse as everyone felt the need to stand up for the baby of the family.  Soon, the physical abuse started becoming more frequent and getting choked out was something I was growing accustomed too. I learned very quickly how to start defending myself each time that I knew a violent fit was about to erupt. I was also finding myself more acquainted with those that I put down just months ago as we were trying to purchase our next high to happiness. I then decided to put my 2 weeks in to my Full Time job, in order to be able to watch over Jaidens father a little more and to be able to continue trying to keep him around. In November I was introduced to Heroine. As it was brought into my home and every one else was sitting there putting it up there noses, telling me how great it was, I was hesitant for only a few minutes before snorting the drug up my nose. It was almost instantly the new love of my life. The drug made me forgot everything bad going on between Jaidens father and I, it was a great sense of euphoria, and made me able to forget about all of lifes stressors. Although prescription medication is an opiate like Heroine, the high was more intense, lasted longer and was far more cheaper. As my desire for more and more Heroine and getting attention from Jaidens father increased, my sense of parenting was pretty much thrown out the window, and my immediate family was acting more as her parents than I could. All of my financial responsibility was out the window and it was not long before I had to make the decision to move out of my apartment into Jaidens paternal grandmothers apartment (you can imagine the tension), and my car was repossessed only a couple weeks following. I began losing a lot of my friends and most of my family were no longer speaking to me. In April 2011, I found out that I was pregnant with his child, again. The talk about abortion between him, his family members, and myself wasn't something I was completely against this time. I knew that I could not quit using in order to carry this child to be healthy. I knew making the decision to have this baby wouldn't be fair to the baby itself or Jaiden. I was having a hard enough time trying to parent my first while being addicted, let alone a second. I knew that when this baby was born, it was most likely going to be taken away from me in the hospital. I made the painful decision to abort the baby. It was an experience I regret, I think about all the time, and still cry to myself about. I did something I did not believe in and stood against, up until addiction. I still have a hard time grasping that there is one thing in this world that could make me change my mind about even my strongest beliefs. 


In summer of 2012 I found myself selling Oxy Powder to other addicts within the county, just to be able to afford both Jaidens fathers and my addiction. My phone was always being reached by everyone looking for their next fix, and never any one that I truly cared about. In a high moment between Jaidens father and I, we made the decision to get eloped as soon as possible. Even though I knew he was unfaithful to me and still was not ready to stop being a kid, I whole heartedly thought that marriage might help him see things a little clearer. We were married, and within that same night I overheard how he chose to marry me because I gave him a sexually transmitted disease and he knew no one else would want him. I was so unbelievably heartbroken and in shock and awe. How could someone that just exchanged vows with me a few hours earlier, make up a rumor so hurtful and untrue?! Again, I turned my cheek to his brutal words and continued to stick around. Things were getting worse between him and I mentally and physically. The money was running out, so weren't the drugs. One night after countless times of trying to get ahold of Jaidens father to come back home, I ended up bringing myself to the ER for breathing issues, while Jaiden stayed with his pissed off mother. Many nasty words between my family and his family were exchanged as I was sitting in the hospital trying to figure out what to do with Jaiden because I was admitted, so I wasn't surprised when the Department of Social Services were calling me on the hospital phone that next day to let me know they were starting an investigation.


I was so unbelievably pissed that this family had the nerve to call the Department on me considering that grandma didn't want this baby in the first place, wanted a paternity test, and showed no real interest since Jaidens been born. That's the only thought that was going through my mind over and over, not that I was an addict and needed help. As soon as the investigation started, Jaidens father and I decided that the relationship was over for good. Eventually after speaking with the Department and after they performed their investigation, I was founded on Child Neglect for my drug use and domestic violence in front of Jaiden. An investigator, Delaware County Sheriffs, and Jaidens paternal grandmother and aunt all pulled into the driveway to take custody away from me.  I'll never forget that day or how the whole situation of needing so many people coming to grab Jaiden made me look like a monster. Even though I knew I just lost one of the best things that probably ever happened to me, it still wasn't enough to deter me from using, I used it as my excuse to continue. Within the next month, I was introduced to IV drug use, or better known as using needles to get my high. The high was so much quicker and even more euphoric that sniffing it. I was sharing needles with others, risking the chance of HIV every time. I was constantly trying to chase that first high with every needle put into my hands or arms. I started using other drugs if Heroine wasn't available to me. I lost more weight, and started to gain a grey complexion. I started using guys and leading them on to make them think I wanted them, just to get their drugs. I started befriending people that knew how to score what I was now craving on a daily basis. I robbed drug dealers and even sold some of the few possessions I had left to my name just to get high for the day.  I was arrested picking up drugs down by the city and it still wasn't my eye opener that I needed to straighten up. My parents kicked me out of their house and on to the streets, because I was uncontrollable.  I was arrested only a few months later for possession of drugs and a hypodermic needle again, which still did not deter me. I remember sitting in the court room with my co defendant, when the Correction Officer said "you guys are gonna get released today and will be out looking for your next high, you wont learn shit from this". She was right, as soon as we got released, we went and got high. I was at the point of if I didn't have anything to get high, I felt as if I was going to die. The drug sickness was terrible; the sweating, the constant stomach aches, the restless legs, and the inability to move from the couch was the worst feeling in the world to me.  I was at the point of where I didn't need Heroine to get high, but to feel normal enough to get through the day. My  tolerance was getting higher, so my drug intake needed to be higher. I was at the point of where I wished I was dead, rather than having to deal with the struggle of trying to be in a normal state anymore. The self pity was getting worse for me and there was no where or nobody to turn to anymore. I had burned all the bridges in my life.


After almost 3 years of struggling with opiate addiction, I decided to fight my addiction head on and asked the the resources that I had left for help. I sat in jail for 2 weeks because I had violated a court order and realized I was at my rock bottom finally. My resources offered help to get me into a drug rehab facility, I accepted, and I was on my way in a matter of a few days. I never imagined that I would have as much fun as I did in rehab. I was nice to have sober fun again. As part of the facilities program we were tested because of our IV drug use. I sat there nervous as hell, for days, remembering all the times I've shared needles with other drug users, and all of the other disgusting things I have done while using. My tests came back negative, and to this day, it is something I am truly grateful for. Although I did excellent in rehab, the same day that I got out, I used. After everything I learned, I put it to the back of my mind, as it sat there right in front of my face. I was so much weaker than I thought I was, after being taught so much in rehab. It wasn't but two days later that the police were knocking on my door again with a warrant for a Sealed Indictment, dated back to March. I felt as though, someone above was showing me that there's always going to be the same results, every time that I use. Again, I sat in jail, longer than the past few times, but this time I was coming out with a Felony charge on my record, court ordered Drug Court, and 5 years of Felony probation. 


I have not picked up a drug since August 27, 2012, so I consider my first clean day August 28, 2012. I am almost at my 2 year mark of sobriety and I am so damn proud of myself. I fought my ass off and had a lot to prove, but I have gotten Soul Custody of Jaiden now. I have completed the Delaware County Drug Treatment Program. Department of Social Services are no longer in my life. I have not been in jail in almost 2 years now. I feel as if I have more in my life now, than even before I used drugs. I am thankful for every day that I wake up because a lot of addicts don't make it out of their addiction alive. As I sat through Drug Court, I have gained a great relationship with the Coordinator, the Judge, and my Probation Officer. I consider these three men, my mentors and my adopted fathers. I remember hating every one in law enforcement and being so bitter to those "trying to ruin my life".  It is through sobriety that I see that these people I've been soo nasty too were only trying to help me. I am 26 years old now, and I have seen so many more things or done many more things than most people my age have. My hope is that no one has to go down the road I did, and can learn from my mistakes. Heroine is the devil, it does not care who you are, what you look like, what you have, or what you don't have. It is here, it will consume your life quicker than you think. Do not ever do something that some one pressures you to do, or do something to impress others, be a leader. There are so many lessons to be learned from this story alone, and you can bet your asses that I've learned each and every one the hard way! My story is why I defend the next addict, not because I'm friends with them or love them, but because I feel that if you are bringing down the addict and how they live, you are hitting close to home with me. Nobody in this world has the right to judge anyone else, especially if you have no idea what that person is going through in their life. I still have those that I have a hard time forgiving within this whole situation, but I know that eventually I have to let forgiveness over power my anger. As much as I was on an emotional roller coaster with every word written, I find joy in sharing my story. If this could help one person, my goal has been reached. Thank you for taking the time to read such an important part of my life. -Jess

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