11:11

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: April 21, 2016

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Submitted: April 21, 2016

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Ikagai (n): a reason for being; the thing that gets you up in the morning. "
 
I woke the fuck up, again. Same bed, same sheets, same 4 blue walls, same sun, same stairs, same problems at home. I think I have lost my capacity to get amused. My life is like a broken VHR stuck in Replay, repeating over and over. All of the days are basically the same. Im trapped in a dark, cold room with no windows for light to enter or for life to reach me, its like I'm still breathing but I am not alive. The room has only one metal door that looks at me, inviting me to go through it, but Every time I do, I end up in the same cold room, with the same feeling of loneliness and the same door, laughing at me. Its inhuman to live this way, lifeless living is like going sightseeing blindfolded, knowing that life is so close yet untouchable can drive you crazy, like it did to me. You try to escape, to get somewhere but again I cross the door and again I end up in the same room. I burst through the door, hungry for feelings but again I fall in the senseless room, trapped in thoughts of loneliness and despair. My routine is pretty simple. Walk the dog, eat, school, eat, go through the door, give up, sleep, wake the fuck up. This vicious cycle drove me crazy for years. Maybe if I tell you more detailed how my day is you will understand why I had more than one affair with scissors. 6:00 AM, I wake the fuck up. 6:15 AM, I walk the dog in the same route, surrounded with the old, scrappy buildings, annoying traffic sounds and the urge to go back to bed. 6:45 AM, I get my cereal and in wild days I get scrambled eggs for breakfast. 7:00 AM, I get to the school bus, quietly walk past all the other people who seem to have escaped their room somehow. I think is because they had something like a key that I didn't have. I think is called happiness or something like that, anyway I try not to think of that anymore because my scars burn when I do. I sit in the back of the bus in the same corner seat where I read the names of couples who apparently sat in the same spot as I did that day but I know eventhough, we shared the same space in time, I know we didn't share the same feelings. 7:10 AM, get past the guys that wait for me and their money in the entrance of school. 7:12 AM, get reached by those guys. 7:15 AM, go to the bathroom, get in a stall and lock it. 7:16 AM, cry. 7:17 AM, cry. 7:18 AM, cry. 7:19 AM, cry. 7:20 AM, stop crying and go to class. 9:45 AM, walk to the cafeteria and get in line just to realize I have no money. 9:46 AM, try not to cry. 9:47 AM, explore the cafeteria searching for that weird species I hack never seen called SEATWITHME. 9:50 AM, give up and go eat with the Janitor. 10:00 AM, go to class again. 11:00 AM, go to the bathroom and cry again,( my desire for one last taste of scissors increases ). 11:05 AM try to find a seat  in Math class, because I am late. 11:11 AM, time froze. I sat in the corner chair when the miracle happened. I looked away when I heard Mr.Yacobs voice, which was only heard when he was flirting with female students. This time my eyes weren't fixed in how Mr.. Yacobs´ zipper was down, again, but in the illusion on angel that stood besides him. I swear I had seen those eyes in the sky last night, but this ones shone brighter. Her long, dark hair felt like cascades through that small face until it reached those tiny shoulders that sustained arms that everyone would want to rest for the rest of his life. She had to be an illusion, maybe my head was so damaged that I started seeing angels or the voices in my head were now adapting human bodies. I tried not to pay attention to it, fearing it was true what I thought, but then she smiled and holy shit I blew it. Something in me started tickling. First I thought it was from my scars, but my wrists felt just fine. I noticed it came from my stomach and I thought it was I hadn't eaten, but that wasn't it. That smile triggered something in me that invaded my whole body and didn't stopped. I broke free from the trance when a hand touched my shoulder and I shrugged. Calm down, I don't eat humans anymore the voice of a mermaid said. I turned just to be flashed with the same eyes, connecting with mine and I swear I felt raped. Thalia her lips came together giving my a glance of those pieces of jewerly she had for teeth that made the must beautiful smile you could dream of. How long had I been in trance? How much longer would I take to shake her hand?. 11:45 AM, Thalia left the room, followed by me. I made her laugh once or twice but I'm sure it was from pity. I was her shadow, hoping she took a left turn and entered the 3rd classroom in the right. 11:50 AM. She took the left turn and entered the 3rd classroom in the right. 11:51 AM, I stood in the door of the classroom, choosing between entering or going back to the bathroom. 11:53 AM, I enter the classroom. 11:55 AM, I walked past Thalia, eyes down hoping she wont see my scars or hear the voices inside my head. Instead I heard her voice. Hey sit with me!! I swear I thought that was a species I thought was extinct for me. 1:45 PM, Thalia and I part away when she gets in the bus, but makes a sign with her thumb and pinky finger near her ear. 1:55 PM, I get home, paper in hand. 2:00 PM, eat. 2:15 PM, I am in the cold room again. Same walls, same door. I sat crosslegged in the middle of it. 4:18 PM, I continue to stare to the door, stand up and walk through it. I ended up in the same room. 4:19 PM, I cry. 4:20 PM, I burst again, but the tears in my eyes make me fail to cross the door but succeed to hit the wall. I lay on the ground next to a paper with Thalia´s number. 4:22 AM, I stare at the paper thinking if I should call her, but what would I say? I didn't want her to be trapped in a room too or for her to suffer like me. I wasn't that selfish. 7:12 PM, I continue to stare at the paper. 9:00PM, I grab my phone and call. 9:01 PM, I hear her voice mixed with the sound of Come on Eilleen in the background. 9:04 PM, I think she smiled. 9:07 PM, she laughed. 9:12 PM, She says Im funny. 9:17 PM, She tells me what hell of a boy I am. 9:25 PM, She tells me about her family. 9:26 PM, she tells my of her abusive uncle. 9:27 PM, she cried. 9:28 PM, I cried. 9:29 PM, we cried. 9:30 PM, she says she is leaving. 9:31 PM, I beg her to stay. 9:32 PM, she asks why and I hear how the music goes off and the tiredness of her voice rises. 9:33 PM, I tell her about the voices and the room. 9:34 PM, there is silence. 9:56 PM, I know the voice of someone who has cried because that's my normal voice. 9:57 PM, my phone dies as well as me in the inside. 10:00 PM, I get up and go to the kitchen. 10:23 PM, I found the scissors that my shrink had hidden. 10:24 PM, I stare at them and they flirt with me. 10:58 PM, foreplay is over and I let them touch me. The feeling of cold metal in my skin is something that feels so necessary that I forget the reason why I hadn't done it before. 11:00 PM, the sound of knocks in my door stops me from getting intimate with my new lover. 11:03 PM, I open the door. 11: 04 PM, I found Thalia standing there with 2 bags of Taco Bell in her hands.  11:05 PM, She hugs me tight and the warmth of her body makes the scissors look like an old kindergarten sweetheart. 11:06 PM, we are sitting in the livingroom talking about why she can't have a pet otter. 11:07 PM, she laughs. 11:08 PM, I laugh for the first time and it makes my throat vibrate and my cheeks move upward mirroring her smile. 11:09 PM, she plays some music and we dance. 11: 10 PM, I walked her to the door. 11:11 PM, she says she loves me. 11:11 PM, I want to say I love her, but my voice cracks and I can't say a word. 11:11 PM, she kisses me, her lips fitting perfectly in mine. The feelings of our pain combined makes it special and stronger, almost as perfect as her smile. 11:12 PM, I am in a room I had never been before. Light enters through a crystal ceiling. I can see the sun shine brighter that never before. Clouds swim through the sky in a way that makes you want to lay there and watch them flow. I look down to see a door. I get close to it and examine it. It is the same room as the other one. I fear and step back. I try to run but a hand holds my arm. I look up to see her standing there, smiling and shinning brighter than the sun. She looked at me the way no one had ever looked at me and smile. 11:17 PM, we smile. I feel something invade me. My body gets stronger. I feel the urge to get up, something I had never felt before. I wanted to laugh more that I wanted to cry. I wanted to run more that I wanted to lie down. I wanted to kiss her again more than I wanted to kiss the scissors. I stand up and hold her hand. 11:20 PM, We walked through the door. 6:00 AM, I wake up again, but this time is different. I have escaped the solitary room and I don't know what lays outside of it but as long as it is with her I know I can do it.  6:01 AM. I don't know what will I feel today.


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