Short 500 word story, please read and give me feedback!

Reads: 7993  | Likes: 16  | Shelves: 3  | Comments: 3

Status: Finished  |  Genre: Horror  |  House: Booksie Classic

Very very short story about a dark girl finally finding love but at the end killing it.

(I am writing this for my school narrative, please say its bad or not, be truthful since this is a website and your not talking to me face to face.)

Belle Donne (Beautiful women in Italian)


There lived a girl, so pure and beautiful. Yet so kind and amiable, her heart was dipped in sorrow. She mourned her great loss and wished for a better life. But what is life without love? And Yearning for it, she knew deep down, the warmth of flare would never light up again.

On one fortunate evening, she encountered a man lying beneath her favourite oak tree. Walking vigilantly, her footsteps weren’t meant to startle him. However it was no match for his keen ears. He stirred a little and blinked open, taking in a fair women. She was horrified when he beamed, why is this man smiling at her? And strangely, she grinned back, baring her whole teeth.  Never in before, she felt ardour. Or the urge to find out his identity and engage in a conversation with him till sunset. This felt quite queer. However her curiosity got to her, before she became apprehensive and guarded, she started babbling like a goof in love and so did him.

Instantly they fell in love, she felt the warmth and he witnessed his heartbeat. Being together was what they both looked forward to. And one day – he proposed to her. He wanted them to be together forever, till death tore them apart. So she reluctantly agreed. However she knew this love was destined to be tragic. It was what she experienced in the past, the pity of despair and herself dishearten.

As years passed and their lives spent together, she started to get sick, or perhaps bonkers. Her visions were plagued with horrid hallucinations and peculiar silhouettes.

Her control of her mind debilitated as her illusions became stronger. In her peripheral vision, they all stood there, behind her back taunting her. However when she turned around they all liquefied and seeped through the cracks of the wooden floor, leaving her alone to question her sanity.

As the days slipped by, her posture became rigid and every sound or movement startled her, only to whip out her kitchen knife of false suspicion. She desperately craved to be free, sane and give back the love her husband deserved.

However this evening she was more agitated as ever, her husband left to the kitchen to cook dinner instead. And soon as his presence left, a faint giggle burst open behind her. Drenched in fear, she hesitantly turned around. And not only had she comes face to face with her imaginary friend. That friend was her identical twin, except both side of her lips sewed up to reveal a Cheshire smile and buttons replaced as eyes. While she examined her ‘twin’, her twin cackled. And she suddenly became furious; because of her ‘twin’, her life was ruined! Whipping out her kitchen knife, she threw it, aiming for her twin’s heart. But without the knowledge of her husband behind her ‘twin’, the knife was in the air targeting towards the heart, until her twin evaporated in to dust

and instead -

 the knife had stabbed her husband’s heart instead.

Submitted: May 09, 2013

© Copyright 2023 jukim0617. All rights reserved.

Add Your Comments:



OMg. Its so sad. Great story though. It feels a bit like your missing stuff. But i guess thats because its only 500 words! And its very descriptive, also you describe her feelings realy well.

Thu, May 9th, 2013 6:18am


I really appreciated on you being honest! x

I had a quick whiz on some of your stories and your description paints such a vivid picture in my head!
I feel so average ;)
Any advise on how to be a great writer like you?

Thu, May 9th, 2013 2:57am


This was a brilliant 500 word short story!

It was so descriptive, dark and creepy.

The ending was shocking and sad.

You did really good with this! Good job.

Thu, May 9th, 2013 8:53am


Nwah Thank you! x

I'm so honored on you saying that! I checked out your story, (The Demise of Hirkland Town) and it is AWESOME! Your a brilliant writer and I wish I could write like that! So jealous ;)

Thu, May 9th, 2013 2:58am


if you try and base your writing on a feeling you have felt before and really discribe it you will find your writing will be more discriptive. hope that answers you question! keep writing!

Sat, June 29th, 2013 5:09pm

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