The Curious Case of Caucasian Carlos

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Carlos is a horse living in Britian, but he wants to be a gangsta. On a journey of self-discovery, Carlos enters into new relationships and learns more and more about who he truely is. Do not read if you are easily offended.

Submitted: February 04, 2010

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Submitted: February 04, 2010

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This is a story about a confused and curious horse named Carlos.
Carlos was raised in Nottingham, England, in the court of Prince John the Phony King of England. Of course, no one ever called him Prince John the Phony King of England. They called him PJPKOE, or PJ, or, if they were really daring, Prince John.
Carlos didn’t really like being British. He didn’t like tea and biscuits, he didn’t like polo, and he really didn’t like being white.
“Yo yo my hommies, wazzup dawgs?” he said as he entered the royal pastures.
“We are not dogs, Carlos,” said Henry, a horse, as he cantered about. “You should know that.”
“Yes Carlos. And prey tell, what is a ‘hommie’?” asked another horse named Anne.
“Oh, well, you know…like, you’re my guys. My peeps.”
“What’s a peep?” asked Mary, who was also a horse.
“I thought peeps were those chicken-shaped marshmellow things that you put in the microwave and watch them blow up,” said Edwin, another horse. You get the idea. Everyone’s a horse unless I say otherwise.
“I don’t want to be a marshmellow!” cried Mary. “It’s bad enough they turn us into glue!”
“No, it’s like…you’re my friends.”
“I’m not your friend, guy,” said Edwin.
“Well, I’m not your guy, pal.”
“I’m not your pal, buddy.”
“I’m not your buddy, friend.”
“I’m not your friend, pal.”
“I’m not your pal, buddy.”
“I’m not your buddy, guy!”
“I’m not your guy, friend!”
“I’M NOT YOUR FRIEND, GUY!”
“Okay, you two, quiet down,” said a peace-keeping horse named Elizabeth. “And Carlos, even though you have a Spanish name, and there are a million Hispanic slurs we could make in this story, you are not Spanish, and nor are you black. You are a white, upstanding British Royal Horse. Please try to use the language of one.”
“Whatever you say, ho,” muttered Carlos under his horse breath as he sauntered off to the other side of the pasture to think up horribly offensive and sexist rap songs that don’t make any sense at all, just like that ‘Lil Wayne guy, whose lyrics are really, really dumb and kind of confusing and uses words that I don’t think mean what he thinks they mean.
“Wow Elizabeth,” Henry said. “That was pretty cool, the way you handled that. if you weren’t my third child, if you could my illegitimate son that no one ever talks about, and if you weren’t the daughter of my second wife, and if the Catholic church didn’t frown upon it even though I’m pretty sure it will be legal in Alabama in a few years, I would totally ditch my current wife and marry you.”
“What’s Alabama?” Elizabeth asked.
Many moments later, Carlos was still on the other, de4serted side of the pasture thinking of horribly offensive rap songs that were about horses with big butts when he heard a space ship crash land in Sherwood forest. He galloped over to see what was going on.
When Carlos got to the clearing that the space ship landing had created, he saw a very attractive man who would later go onto have a very successful movie career, staring in action franchises and a number of other popular films.
“Hi,” said the man, who was not a horse. “My name is Han. My spaceship crashed. Would you help me?”
“Sure hommie G. I’ll help sizzle your nizzle.”
“Um…I’m sorry…I only speak English, even though English is a language made up fro a durative of other languages like Latin, Greek, French, and Spanish, all of which are only spoken on Earth, an this is the only time I’ve ever been to Earth.”
“Yo dawg, I am speakin’ English. Its like, my home language- you know what I’m sayin’?”
“No, I do not know what you are saying. But will you please help me push my spaceship out of the med? I’ll call my random pet Chewbacca to help us.”
It was then that Carlos laid eyes on the most beautiful creature he had ever seen in his life. It was tall and furry and big. And also not a horse.
“Woah,” said Carlos.
“Chewy, will you come help us?” Han asked.
Chewy nodded and made the most beautiful noise that Carlos had ever heard. It was so deep and guttural.
Together, the three of them pushed the space ship from the mud onto dry ground where Han could lift off again.
“Thank you,” said Han. “Hey, you seem to have made friends with Chewy. Would you like to come with us?”
“Yo man, that would be off da hook!” exclaimed Carlos.
“Um, okay,” said Han as Carlos climbed aboard with Chewy at his side.
“So dawg, what brings you to the west side of the universe?”
“Um, well, me and the missus are taking our honeymoon,” replied Han, as he motioned towards a beautiful woman.
“Hello,” said the woman, also not a horse. “My name is Leia. My mother was the queen of Nabu, but my hair wasn’t long enough and my clothes weren’t cool enough to be queen. So I married someone good-looking but beneath my rank, just like she did. Only, her husband was burned and then he wasn’t so good-looking anymore. He turned evil and kind of screwed up my life for a while. But he’s dead now, so it’s all good.”
“Man, that’s a dope story yo!” Carlos exclaimed as he cuddled with Chewy.
“So, how is this going to work, you two?” asked Han as he nodded towards Carlos and Chewy.
“Well,” said Carlos, “if donkey and dragon can do it, den we can too.”
“Yes,” said Han, “but donkey and dragon were different genders. You guys are the same gender, but different species. I’m pretty sure they would never make a kids movie about that.”
“Yo, have you seen some of dem kids movies? The last one dey made here said that Robin Hood was a fox!”
“Ooodololy, ooodololy!” shouted a fox and a large bear as they ran by with bags of money.
“Well, okay,” said Han. “Just no PDA, okay you two? Leia and I are supposed to be on our honeymoon.”
“I still think you could have left Chewy at home,” Leia muttered. “I swear, it’s like you two are gay with each other.”
Han looked guilty. Chewy shrugged. Leia just shook her head and walked away.
The four had a great time together, and not in a dirty way. They toured London, watching Shakespeare plays about kings and witches and ghosts and fairies and other things that don’t actually exist. They looked at…other famous things in London, like…I don’t know, I can’t think of any.
They spent a little over a month in the great country of London, then moved on to France, the city of love.
Love was not with Carlos, however. For though he thought his relationship with Chewbacca was going swimmingly, Chewbacca thought differently. While visiting the Eiffel Tower, Chewbacca explained to Carlos that now was just not a good time to be in a serious relationship, that it wasn’t Carlos, it was Chewy, and that he hoped they could still be friends.
Carlos left Han’s ship and started stealing food to survive. Some of the French shopkeepers got sort of pissed off about this, and Carlos was arrested for stealing. His punishment was tar-and-feathering.
The hot, black tar burned Carlos’ flesh as it clung to his fur. Before the Frenchmen had a chance to completely pluck Big Bird, Carlos revolted, kicking and spitting and throwing a fit. He bolted and headed for the woods.
Carlos lived in the woods quite peacefully for quite some time. One day after he moved in he went down to the lake to get a drink of water. That’s when he finally saw his reflection.
“Yo yo yo! Dude! I’m black! I’m a gangsta!”
And he was indeed everything gangster. He was black from head to toe. He wore his hat to the side, something that would have given his obsessive-compulsive grandmother Gloria an aneurism. As it happened, Gloria died because she was rearranging the rocks on the railroad tracks in height order. She never saw that airplane coming.
He even wore his pants down to his knees so you could see his boxers, sort of like Ian.
“Well, hi there,” said a beautiful black horse. “Who are you?”
“Carlos,” said Carlos. “What’s your name, sweet thang?”
“Well,” said the horse, “they call me hell, they call me Stacy, they call me her, they call me Jane. That’s not my name, that’s not my name, that’s not my name, that’s not my name. They call me quiet, but I’m a riot, Mary Joleisa, always the same. That’s not my name, that’s not my name, that’s not my name, that’s not my name.”
“Well, what is your name?”
“Sheniqua. And ma pho numba is fi fo fo, fo fo fi fo.”
Carlos and Sheniqua bonded over the next hour. Sheniqua told him about her three kids, and all their daddy’s who abandoned her for crack and strippers, which was odd because she was a crack selling stripper. Carlos didn’t listen to much of this, he was too busy looking at her big butt. But (haha, butt but) he told her about Chewy, except not the gay stuff, and his adventures in Wonderland.
Eventually Carlos and Sheniqua had a common-law marriage, until all the tar wore off and Carlos wasn’t black anymore and Sheniqua left him for Gonzo from the Muppets.
And you know what they say…they all lived happily ever after.
Except for Carlos.


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