An Inexplicable Loss

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
The regrets after someone's death are the things left unsaid and deeds left undone.

Submitted: June 07, 2013

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Submitted: June 07, 2013



I still remember the day as if it were only yesterday that it happened. Even now, when I look back it feels like I’m revisiting a nightmare. I keep hoping that anytime now my eyes will open and I’ll finally wake up from this disturbed sleep and realize that it was only a bad dream. But as much as I hope that, I know that’s never going to happen. It’s the reality, tragic and unexpected and just…sad, but then whats happened, has happened. There’s no going back now.

I have now come to realize the importance of ‘present’ now because that’s in which we really live. Once it becomes the past, we can never change it no matter how much we want to. We control the present. We can change things in the present. As soon as the moment’s gone, it becomes the past. Time is a weird thing. It never comes back; that’s a tragedy. It heals; that’s a blessing (I guess).

I’ve always been an optimist, maybe that’s why I’ve learnt to endure what Ive been going through, up till now. I don’t have anyone to share my feelings with. I don’t think anyone will ever understand what I really feel. And then I’m not good with words. I have never been. So naturally I have no words to explain how torn apart I really am right now. The people who are close to me; my family, they’ve never really understood me and I’ve given up trying to make them understand. They probably don’t even know what I’ve been going through. I have friends. They want me to talk to them. But I’m helpless, I cannot do that, knowing that doing that is not going to help me in any way. They’ll only listen to me but they can never do anything about it. No one can. I cannot even try to explain it to them. Because there are things with which I was trusted,  things which I had vowed that I’ll take them to my grave, things which explain everything but things which are not to be spoken about around anyone. There are people (his family) who know those things as well, maybe not in so much detail as me but I’m sure that they know even if it’s to a very small extent. But I cannot talk to those people because I’m not supposed to let anyone know that I knew about those things.

The fact that I was trusted was the reason we were so close. I feel blessed at times that I could be of help to him and that I was one of the only people he trusted. And that he shared so many things with me. We could’ve known eachother much much better only if we had some more time. But as it turns out , time was the only thing which wasn’t on our side. My optimist side keeps telling me ‘Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.’ But I feel empty when I realize that never in my life will I ever be able to see him again and talk to him again. Yes, I was there when he needed someone to talk to and someone with whom he could express himself but I was a bit late. I could’ve been of more help to him if I had begun to talk to him a bit earlier. I always cared more about him than I showed him. And I always tried my best to make him feel comfortable around me but that’s when my pessimist side steps in. What if it was not enough? What if he needed some more lectures to make him feel better? And instead of doing that, I was too involved in complaining about my little, silly problems.

I know for a fact that he cared about me and I was important to him. He had an extremely busy routine and yet he took some time out and answered me back. He remembered that I liked Fade to Black, the day I went to his house and he played that for me. He had spent some time figuring out its notes and practicing them on his guitar. He did that effort so that he could make me listen to it when we met. He had an excellent memory because I had told him that I liked that song 2 years back and we weren’t very good friends then.

He was extremely inexpressive yet he never failed to convey to me that I could talk to him about everything and that he’d help me out if I ever face a problem and that he was always going to be there to listen to me. I cared for him I think more than he did for me but I never really showed that to him. I failed to tell him that in clear, open words. I was very careful because I didn’t know how little time we had left to be together. I regret that more than I can say and I can give up everything to change that. But I know, its too late now. He’s gone some where far away now. And I’m left with all these regrets and the things I should’ve said to haunt me day and night. But no matter what I feel, no matter what I say, he’s not going to be able to listen now. Not anymore. So I’ve resorted to doing something that’s going to matter to him. I pray for him. That’s the only thing I can do that’s going to benefit him. And I shall keep doing that for as long as I shall live.

I’ve started returning towards my normal life now. But even now, I avoid anything that reminds me of him. Tears well up in my eyes whenever I see someone holding a guitar and there’s this empty sinking feeling that follows. I’ve read his emails and texts so many times that I remember them word to word now. Its just surprising how everything that’s even only distantly related to him reminds me of him.

He kept telling me that what I was doing for him meant a lot to him and maybe that’s why he kept listening to me no matter how stupid and silly I got. I know many people and I have so many friends but to be honest, I’ve never really had a friend like him. He just made it so easy for me to spill out whatever it was that was troubling me. He was considerate, gentle, caring, passionate (about science and music) and above all the bestest and nicest friend any one could ever have had.

He had been texting me since morning, the day that happened. I was waiting for his answer when I got to know that he wasn’t there anymore. Shock, helplessness, emptiness, distress, pain and then that terrible sinking feeling followed. I was numb and cold and kept repeating the same thing over and over in my mind: ‘He cannot be gone. Not now.’

I remembered how once, not a very long time ago, he’d been joking about his death and he’d told me that if that happened I should attend his funeral and remember him with nice words. Little did I know then that I was going to see that day very soon. I am not going to describe the day I saw him for the last time. I just don’t have it in me to revisit those moments. They are way too painful. Sometimes when it becomes very hard for me to handle this, I start hoping that some day it will be less painful for me but then I realize that that it will be the day when I’ve forgotten him and have moved on, then I take back my words because I don’t ever want to forget him. I don’t want to move on.

I tried to help him out. I really did. But I was always a bit reserved. He told me I was really helping him but I keep thinking now whether it was enough. I should’ve said a million things but I was way too careless and stupid with words. I cared for him much more than I actually let on. 

I was always glad to hear how he was progressing and feeling better. I always wondered how unfair life had been to him because he didn’t deserve having to go through all that he had to. I wanted to make his life better somehow and I wanted him to know that I’d be there for him no matter what he was going through. I miss him and his friendship. His memories are going to cherish in my heart forever and I’ll keep on praying for his forgiveness till my death hour. I hope to see him in the afterlife. I really really hope that!

As sincere and considerate as he was, I always knew that he was going to be there on my darkest days and I told him that I was always going to be there for him as well.

The pain I feel when I realize that I’m never going to see him again or talk to him again is incomparable. I have never felt so torn apart in my life

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