Strategic Advancements for Sociopaths

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Editorial and Opinion  |  House: Booksie Classic
A satirical approach to the "sociopathic" mindset. This piece is adapted from Paul Simms' "Crafting Projects for Sociopaths".

Submitted: July 07, 2014

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Submitted: July 07, 2014

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Strategic Advancements for Sociopaths

By: Matty Blocha

 

 

Send and Receive Free Mail

 

Find a like-minded friend that either wishes he or she were living in the age of writing letters, or finds joy in writing letters because the internet is too mainstream. Go to the mail store and buy two (2) packages of envelopes, a pack of parchment, and whatever writing utensil you prefer. After purchasing, place one (1) package of envelopes back on the shelf and leave the store. Return shorty complaining that said cashier charged you for two (2) but you only bought one, as the cashier was set out to ruin your day and steal your money. He or she has most likely driven over the speed limit or some other illegal offence in recent years, so really this is just karma. Demand that you are refunded for the second package. Now, the one package was paid off and you got envelopes for free. Utilizing your preferred writing utensil, write your letter to your chosen pen pal and place it inside the envelope. In the top left corner, the sender’s address corner, write your pen pal’s address. Leave the receiving address section blank. No stamps will be needed as you are sending mail free. Next, put your letter in the mailbox and wait. When your mail reaches the corresponding post office, where whomever it be sorting them will find a letter with “no receiving address”. They will put your letter back in the mail to be sent back to the “sender’s” address, which is actually your pen pal’s address.

Wait a week (depending on where you are mailing to) before contacting your pen pal via Internet to confirm that he or she received your letter. If yes, then mission accomplished and you beat the system. If no, then storm your post office in tears. Explain how the letter was to your brother, who suffers from a disease that due to legal reasons cannot be disclosed, and his last dying wish was to receive an old fashioned letter that he has dreamed about. For best results, enroll in acting classes. If you are not refunded for your mail, crudely mentioned how they have no sense of family values.

Getting Out of a Ticket

 

For best results, enroll in acting classes. Take classes for several months to ensure that your crocodile tears are Oscar-winning. During these months of training, create a default funeral invitation. On this invitation, include a picture of an elderly aged woman and have it saved on your computer to accurately adjust the date on the flyer. To print on free paper, use method mentioned in “Send and Receive Free Mail”. Buy two (2), put one back on the shelf, tell the manager that the cashier is obviously trying to defraud you because who would buy two (2) packages of printer paper?

Carry a stack of these in the backseat of your vehicle for in case you are ever pulled over. If pulled over, explain to the officer how incredibly sorry you are and how disappointed your grandmother would be. Proceed to tell the officer that your grandmother recently passed away and you are driving around putting the invitations in the invitee’s mailboxes. You could not mail these because it would be too expensive as you are spending a lot of money to have her buried by the ocean, as she always wanted. If the officer is unresponsive and not buying it, explain how they have no sense of family values.

 

Five-Star Dinner for Free

 

Go to your favorite restaurant with two (2) groups of people and order your meal as usual. One group will sit at a completely different table as will your group. If completed successfully, your meal will be free so order a little extra. One group must have a significantly larger total than the other. Once your meal is winding down, ask for the check. Switch checks with the other group. Upon reviewing the check, angrily summon your waiter, saying that the check you were given was much more than ordered. Call for the manager as this waiter was trying to steal your money and you are offended as you are here working as a food critic for a local radio station. Demand that you are given the meal free and you won’t share the experience over the air. It is not blackmailing because in theory you would be doing people a favor by enlightening them on the horrible service provided by said restaurant.

As this is happening the other group should innocently flag down their waiter saying that the check is much less than they ordered because honesty is the best policy, right? It is important to play the innocent group of college students taking a break from studying a huge exam that will decide your future and how you will be able to support your future family. Your waiter should feel sorry and understanding and give you the meal for free.

If you are feeling dessert, mention to your waiter that today is two members of your party’s birthday. For best results, befriend identical twins and bring them to the restaurant. If it is you and the twins, who will both receive a free dessert on behalf of their birthday, two desserts for three people can be divided and shared nicely. If the careless waiter says only “one free dessert per party”, explain how growing up the twins always shared but his one wish was to have a dessert of his own before being sent overseas on military obligations. If the waiter declines, tell he or she that they have no sense of family values.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


© Copyright 2018 MattyBlocha. All rights reserved.

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