“Are You Experienced?”
My father is an asshole. There I’m so glad I’ve said it. If my parents ever heard me say something so “blasphemous” I would be grounded for at least the next 12 years! I don’t let that bother me though, you know? I love them, indeed I do. I’m just a little ticked that I had to wake up in this fine, sunny Saturday morning to hear my mother complain about walking the damn dog! “Oreo” is a cool dog, but he isn’t mine! He’s my dad’s.
“Why do I have to walk Oreo!?” I struggled to say through my horrible morning voice. My mother just stands there with her arms folded, watching me as I wrestle with my bed covers and the last remnants of sleep.
“And why is there a reason to walk him anyway!?” my mother said; her annoying voice is a cross between Gilbert Gottfried and a Smurf from New Jersey! “Stop complaining and get up!”
“What about dad? Why can’t he walk him!?”
“He already went to work!”
Damn! Curse the universe! Just in time for my father to be an “employee of the month”. He’s ruining my schedule. I have so much to do today! Can’t these “parents” see that!? I manage to get up from bed and I stare at my mother. She’s standing like an overprotective statue. Keeping the peace within the Carson family with an iron hand.
“Mom, can I at least put some clothes on in privacy?”
“Better not take your time! I don’t know what takes you so long? You’re just going to walk the dog not going to a job interview!” Her voice squealed again. Finally she left the room and granted me a moment of privacy, which was all that I’ve asked for.
I begin looking for my clothes. Yes my room is currently inhabited by dirty clothes that haven’t been washed in weeks. But who has time to clean nowadays? I’m a very busy guy. Everyone complains how I’m not there to hang out with them. “Dale is this, Dale is that” it’s the same old story which I don’t have patience for anymore. What can I do? I’m very busy. With this being my final year in High school and applying for colleges I hardly have any time to catch up with my favorite TV shows. Just luckily I caught a new episode of “CSI”. Man that has to be the best show ever!
I find some suitable pair of clothing; an old wrinkled yellow long sleeve shirt with dark brown jeans. That’s not bad just to walk a dog. I head outside and catch Oreo barking at every passing neighbor we know. I find it kind of amusing, pretty funny. Some times my mother’s friends retaliate with a smart ass comment.
“You should control him next time!” They shout followed by a chuckle. I urge to return the advice by sticking my middle finger at them, I don’t think that’ll be a bright idea. Instead I blatantly shoot them a smile and wave at them; those bastards! Especially hate the little kids who try to pet him the. Oh how they receive a loud bark from Oreo, that’s good for them. Get your own dog idiots!
Don’t get me wrong Oreo is not a bad dog. Sure he’s loud and crazy with everyone else but inside the house the pup is a saint. That’s why my parents named him “Oreo”. A big black dog that can take on any other dog in the area but inside his tough exterior he’s the most loyal dog there can ever be. Black on the outside and white in the inside. That sounds like a good sell to me; I should consider a career in sales management or something.
I walk my father’s dog in the park that’s near our house. I use this time to ponder and what to do next. You see? There’s nothing wrong with walking this dog, my left side of the brain remarks. Am I insane? No I’m not. My thoughts flow well when I talk to myself; no really. Just ask my left side of the brain. After I walk this “four legged” terror I have to give my best friend Craig a call. Want to make sure that he caught the new episode of “CSI”.
Craig is my childhood friend and enemy. We have been through the good times and bad. I always cherish the day we met in Kindergarten. I remember playing with my alphabet blocks and Craig appears out of nowhere; with those big, fluffy cheeks he had and took two blocks away from me.
“Mines!” I screamed at him; trying to reclaim my territory with force.
Of course Craig had the greater force; he punched me right in the jaw. My very first punch; ever! Oh how I cried that day, and Craig instantly got punished. The next day I guess Craig had a change of heart. During our lunch break he offered me half of his peanut butter sandwich. Ever since then we’ve been “best friends”. I constantly talk about the first day we met but he claims he doesn’t remember anything. I know he’s lying!
During middle school we really had gotten close as friends. The both of us watched each other grow and change. Sharing adventures and attending detention. It was all fun and games until freshman year in high school it was time to get serious. We turned everything around and focused on our school work. Our dream was to become crime fighters (due to our ever growing obsession with crime drama television shows). I’ll have a career as a forensic lab expert like “CSI” and Craig will be the detective from the streets like “Law and Order”. It’s a perfect combination. All of our friends call us the “Dynamic Duo” Craig is Batman and I’m Robin…thank you very much. Craig hates the nicknames.
The Dynamic Duo has a third member though, Sarah Waters. Good old Sarah is probably the most talented and brightest girl from our school. She has wit, class and can out smart anybody. She wants to be a criminal lawyer. Trust me on this because she’s my girlfriend. We have been together for a year; we are madly in love with each other. She’s my whole life. Craig bitterly calls it a “marriage”. It’s always rewarding to sense a hint of jealousy in Craig.
I met Sarah in the middle of freshmen year. It was an awkward encounter at that. Sarah was the poster girl of the tomboys before she blossomed into a full-fledged beauty the following year. It was a very cold day and every student had to take tests. I was assigned to a classroom that I’ve never seen before with students that I’ve never even knew existed. I sat in my seat by the front of the class; between two kids who wished they were home. My table didn’t have any writing utensils, I almost panicked. Luckily the guy that was sitting in front of me turned around and offered an extra pencil. I was eternally grateful that this guy with his black hoodie covering his features; kind of resembles the grim reaper had saved me from total embarrassment.
“Thanks man” I whispered to him while he was slowly turning around. I didn’t believe my senses with what happened next. The “guy” took off the hoodie and revealed an explosion of hair; beautiful flowing hair. A girl’s hair! I was stunned and rooted in my chair wishing I wasn’t there and stayed home; just like the other two guys beside me.
“No problem man” she said and shot a smile my way. Oh how I’ve regretted that moment all my life. Although Sarah always says it was a “magical meeting”. That event led to our strong close friendship until the beginning of our junior year when I asked her out. And we’re been happy ever since. Was it love at first sight? Maybe or it could have been I was attracted to a boy? Who knows?
I finished walking Oreo and dropped him off my house. One advantage living in this neighborhood; everything is so close. The park, the school, the store and even the post office is close by. I can get around anywhere with no hassle. I unchain my gold bicycle that I gotten as a present from my Uncle Steve and started pedaling. Craig didn’t pick up his phone when I called, maybe it was too early and he’s still sleeping? I have to make a pit stop to his house first.
It takes me at least ten minutes to reach his house. I brake and look up and marvel his parent’s old house. Two floors, brown clean roof and a lawn to drool at; it’s a home straight of a greeting card. Recently Craig makes sure the house offers anything but peace and quiet. Ever since his parents are out on vacation; he’s going crazy holding parties after party every single night. If only his parents find out about this, I might have to give the folks a call sometime.
“Yo, Craig! Wake up!” I yell up towards his bedroom window on the second floor. I noticed that the room is dark; so he must be there sleeping.
“Hey, ‘Batman’! Come on! Rise and shine!” I continue then I break a smile; I hear his movements now. I knew calling him that would get him going. Craig walks to his open window; he looks dazed. Rubs his eyes with brutal force and begins yelling back but in a lower tone.
“Dale!? What the hell man!?” he says with a rasp; clearly resembling Batman. “Can you shut up for a sec!? Jesus!”
“Or what!? I’ll wake up the neighbors!?” I yelled back “It’s 10: 37 in a Saturday morning! So are you going to let me in? Or do I have to ring up your moms!?”
Craig sighs and looks back at his darkened room; is he hiding something? He turns back to me; this time he tries to whisper but his voice makes it inaudible.
“You’re an asshole! You know that!? I’ll let you in” he whispered.
“What!?” I got closer to the house to pick up what he said.
“I’ll let you in!” He yells.
Craig lets me in his house of terror. I look around as I’m surveying a war zone. Broken furniture, empty pizza boxes on the floor, no light bulbs, ceiling all cracked and even shit sprawled on the wall in the living room, looks like a work of art. In the immortal words of the late Marlon Brando; “The horror!”
“I see you have everything under control here” I remarked.
“Shut the hell up” Craig holds his head; however his voice is getting normal.
Craig makes a space in one of the dirty couches for me to sit. I shake my head; I am not sitting in a couch where pieces of garbage were sitting. Sure my room is a mess but this just ridiculous. Craig just stands there with a sly grin forming on his face.
“You saw ‘CSI’ last night? It was pretty intense!” I had to break the terse silence.
Craig shook his head “Naw, I did something better” slowly his grin turned into a vicious smile; a smile of triumph; frankly I got scared.
“What? What was so important that you had to miss ‘CSI’ for?”
Craig leaned in and whispered “I had sex”
Did he just say what I think he said!? My eyes widened with surprise. Craig is always a great kidder, even though he hardly has any grain of sense of humor.
“You had ‘what’!?” I uttered.
“Sex! And it was amazing!” Craig is now radiating with joy and energy.
“So that means…” I started.
“Oh yeah! I’m not a virgin anymore! I’m free!” Craig stretches out his arms.
“How? With who? And for goodness sakes why!?”
Craig shushes me instantly when my voice starts to get loud. He points up to the ceiling.
“Dude, she’s sleeping!” Craig’s whispering has returned.
I look up to the direction of where his fingers pointing “She’s still here!?” Craig nods and he sits in the clean spot of the couch; my seat.
“Craig! Tell me what’s going on! I want an explanation” I fold my arms, now I know how my mother feels. Even though I don’t posses her iron hand.
“I had a little get together last night, some cool guys from school stopped by and they brought some girls.” Craig sits back and gets comfortable on his couch of filth. “I kind of fell for a girl. Cool chick. We talked and then one thing led to another and we ended up in my bed”
I was disgusted. “Some cool chick” how can you share the most romantic experience with “some cool chick”? There have been many times Craig has gotten me upset before so I should be used to this stupidity. However I can’t tolerate this.
“What a shame” I shake my head “You lose your virginity to some cool chick, are you proud of that?”
“Her name is Crystal, douche bag” He smirks “Are you upset because I’ve did something that you should have done along time ago?”
“What are you talking about?”
“I fucked before you!” he gloated “Everybody in school is wondering why you and Sarah don’t just do it already? What’s the big rush? Just look at me, I already beat you ‘lovers’ to the chase!”
Craig’s just pressed my buttons, I was furious. Not because of the gloating; that’s the history between us. We were always in competition but at the fact that other people from the school were involved. It’s none of their damn business!
“You know what? I don’t have to take this!” I stormed out of the house upset. Craig was running behind. Trying his best to defuse my anger.
“Dale! Dale! Wait! Dude calm down! Come back!” It was too late I got on my bike and left Craig alone. I couldn’t take it anymore.
The next stop was Sarah’s house; I had to tell her everything. I needed someone to understand my frustrations. Luckily she was home and her parents were away. She could tell from a glance I had something on my mind. We sat on her bed and I unloaded everything on her. Sarah wasn’t outraged as me though; she always retained that cool demeanor. With situations as these she likes to keep her distance.
“That’s the rumor going on in school now?” she said “I should be flattered for being so popular”
I cracked a smile, she has that gift. But it doesn’t change the fact other people from school were trying invade our world.
“I just cannot stand it! What makes them think they can just discuss about us behind our backs like this?” I shook my head “Craig should have told me this sooner; what a bastard!”
“Please don’t take it so hard” she gently grabs my hand “If I were you I wouldn’t put much mind to the matter”
“Do you think they’re right?” I look into her eyes “Do you think we’ve been prolonging sex?”
Sarah looks down and thinks for a moment. The silence between us is overwhelming. She finally shatters the silence.
“Are you saying we should have sex?”
“I don’t know” I stammered. What a question! “I don’t plan for it, really”
“In most cases sex is never planned for”
“Good point” I look down and the cold, awkward silence resurfaces again. “I just thought after we get married or something…”
She chuckles “married?”
“You know what I mean” I playfully push her “I don’t know; maybe after we graduate from school or…”
“Now?” she interrupts.
“Now” we gaze at each other’s eyes. We don’t say another word for the next few moments and wallow in the deep silence. Just wondering of what fate and destiny has planned for us next.
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