Breeking Bahd: Sey Meh Nam

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Fan Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
Reader discretion recommended: (very)strong language. Breeking Bahd: Sey Meh Nam is a derpy account on the "Say My Name" episode of the fifth season of Breaking Bad. This is a lighthearted parody created to evoke small laughs among fans of the show. No ownership is claimed, all characters and plot elements belong to their respective owners.

Submitted: July 30, 2014

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Submitted: July 30, 2014

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The hot New Mexico sun beat down on Walter's bald heat, sweat pooled on his forehead. He glared at the asshole in front of him, his mouth slightly open trying to think of his name. Jesse Pinkman was 12.24 feet, with significant figures, away from Walter, but he could still smell the overwhelming smell of pot. This was all part of the plan, Walter had spent hours meticulously planning the encounter. Jesse had to be exactly 60 degrees 31.2 minutes and 58.888 seconds to the right of Walter. Mike on the other hand was 48.6 degrees 26.3 minutes and 23 seconds to his left, approximately 19.65 feet away from him. Mike held the same pissed off complexion he had every time he looked at Walter. Walter always wondered what and who wedged that stick up his ass. It was 3:35 PM MDT, Walter calculated the exact trajectory of the sun so the shadows on his wrinkled face would give him a badass look.

The asshole in front of him had a gang of high school dropouts that smelled of shit and piss. Walter forgot to compensate for the wind speed on his rivals, leaving his nostrils flared by the filthy men. Walter shifted slightly, his underpants had twisted into a wedgie and he needed to take a massive shit.

"I know who you are," the asshole said in a garbled tongue, his eyes were slightly crossed. Walter cringed at the sound of his voice but persevered.

"Say my name," Walter said in a grim voice, his glasses were slightly uneven, but he ignored it.

"You're Gus Fring," the asshole's comrade said like a dumbass. "Did I say you could talk, bitch," the asshole barked at his comrade. "That's not what you said last night in bed," the dumbass said smiling. The asshole's face turned a tomato red, Walter held back the urge to shit himself. "Clearly he is Saul Goodman, from those shitty cereal commercials," the asshole said.

"Jesus H. Christ," Walter cursed, he put his face into his palm and aggressively rubbed his face. "You're Walter White… junior. My niece in Alaska donated money to your grandfather," the asshole's other comrade said.

Walter turned around, amazed by the stupidity, to see the reactions of his friends. Jesse was completely wasted and Mike was still standing in the same exact position looking gruff.

"I'm mother fucking Heisenberg, dumbasses, say my name!!" He yelled at the top of his lungs. "Eisenhower," the asshole said. "Close enough." Walter said, wanting to strangle himself. "Wait you're Heisenberg, why the hell are you calling yourself Eisenhower now?" The asshole asked. "Finally! You're goddamn right," Walter finally said completing his plan.

The asshole immediately backed in submission, pissing himself like a dog. The warm liquid traveled down his legs, clearly visible in his tan pants. Walter walked away, shoulders squared looking like he was pissed at the world. Jesse was knocked out on the ground, apparently he got so high he began to eat the sand around him. Mike meanwhile was having a seizure on the ground.

"I don't get paid enough for this shit," Walter said harshly as he sat in his car. He placed his cheap, 8.00$ polarized sunglasses he got from walmart on his face and his 1920’s hat on his head. Walter looked at the watch Jesse gave him, he cursed as he realized he was 5 minutes off of his original plan. Pulling his car into drive, he began to drive away into the sunset humming to his Phil Collins Greatest Hits disk and doing stoichiometry in his head.

 

 

 

 


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