LCOC Christmas 1: Herod Trump

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Religion and Spirituality  |  House: Booksie Classic
A brief monologue by King Herod, modernized into a no-nonsense business mogul.
Originally written for the Christmas 2010 program at Littleton Church of Christ in Centennial, CO.

Submitted: August 09, 2011

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Submitted: August 09, 2011




(Herod enters dressed in a power suit and a Santa hat, holding a cell phone to his ear.)

(into phone) ...I've told you before, all male children under 2-years old. You know, forget it. I’m tired of your excuses. You're fired. (puts the phone in his pocket angrily) My apologies. There’s a bit of a crisis developing, so we gotta make this quick. Plus, now I need to hire a new apprentice.

Good morning, everyone. Lovely to be here. Yes, I am the Herod Trump, CEO of Herod Industries. No pictures please. (straightens hair) My business empire has had a remarkable year and our stock’s never been better. So, in the spirit of Christmas, I’m pleased to report a phenomenal project we’re unveiling today. The Herod Store.

It’s the most spectacular shopping experience you'll ever have. Top of the line products, 2000 locations nationwide. “Tis the season of spending,” as I say. Best time of the year, in my opinion. There's no better feeling than waking up early Christmas morning and seeing all your presents under the tree. The Herod Store can make all your Christmas wishes come true, because our slogan is, “Merchandise from Herod Oliver Trump is H-O-T.” (waits for a reaction) Terrible slogan, I know. I'm firing my Head of Marketing tonight. Merry Christmas, Bob Cratchit. (laughs sinisterly)

Before I continue, though, let me ask you about my crisis, just to get customer feedback. Have you heard the rumors about that newborn baby that experts are calling the new King? Our Savior? The true meaning of Christmas!? Not that a baby can undo years of gift-giving and buying, but I just wanted to know more about it. CNBC hasn't reported the baby’s stock after all. (snickers)

However, I know you’ve all seen that YouTube video. You know, the shepherds singing Christmas carols to this baby. 1.5 million views and counting. You call that the spirit of Christmas? What's this about? I demand to know. Sure, he's just a baby, but the threat to business is still potent. Right now, it's just shepherds, but if more people watch the video, start singing carols for this "Savior," calling him the true meaning of could ruin me.

I'm Herod Trump, for crying out loud. I can't just stand around and watch some baby destroy the commercialist heart of this wonderful holiday. Maybe I should sue him.

(opens cell and dials) I’ll handle this one way or the other. Don't you worry, folks. Herod Industries stock is still impeccable.

(Into cell) Hey, Monica, get me Wise Men Investigations on the line…Why wouldn’t they be returning calls? Don’t make me fire you.

(exits with a forced smile and a thumbs up to the audience)

© Copyright 2017 K D Walker. All rights reserved.

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