I Stalked You Over Social Media and I Somehow Wrote This Essay

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
I wrote this essay in ten minutes because I had a boy on my mind as per usual.

Submitted: April 23, 2014

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Submitted: April 23, 2014

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You wake up one morning and you’re alone in your bed. You have one hand resting on your oversized teddy bear and the other is checking for missed text messages. You wonder when you reversed back to age nine. Maybe it started when you didn’t get asked to prom your senior year. Or the boy you liked a little too much asked you to give him a blowjob in your car that had no air conditioning. Maybe it happened when your step-dad stopped calling you.

You walk to the mirror only to see your left over mascara has smudged its way down your cheeks. You wonder why you’re single. You step on the scale three times and decide that it’s broken because there is no way you have gained five pounds. Although, you did just eat a lot of chocolate because, that’s what happens when you’re not in a good place.

You check all social media apps in the hopes that that one guy you like who may or may not like you back has posted something, specifically on your wall. He hasn’t. You keep staring at yourself in the mirror. You wonder if there’s something wrong with you.

You check your horoscope and it says you’re going to have a good day. Your horoscope is never right. You take a few quizzes on the internet. You journal a little bit trying to find something to say that will sum up your feelings of anger and fear but all you can manage to say is that you still have hope.

You get dressed in a shade of purple because it brings out your eyes. That’s what the boy who used to like you said. You walk past boys with confidence. They don’t look at you. They look at the girls who teased their hair. You should have teased your hair.

Your stomach is screaming at you but you don’t give in because you remember that you gained weight. Your stomach screams louder. So you look down. You notice how it’s not flat. You remember that your step-dad’s mother was right when she said that you’d never lose weight. You don’t let the tears slide over the edge. You take deep breaths. You check social media. Still no notifications. Nothing.

You go to your friend’s house that always makes you happy. They dance in their underwear and make pizza. You cave to the sounds of your stomach. Then once the pizza is gone you wish you hadn’t eaten it. You watch Netflix. You watch someone else fall in love. You check social media. You slide through profile pictures. Still nothing.

You get a group text message. You are invited to his house. The boy that makes you forget that you’re sad. You take a shower. You buy alcohol. You arrive at his house.

You see him. You don’t look down. You look straight forward. You try and think of something witty to say but giggle instead. You notice how he smiles when you say his name. You like that. You realize that you would be perfectly content living in a boys house. You don’t want to leave. But you do.

You say goodbye. You listen to Ed Sheeran on the way home. You cry. You don’t know why you’re crying. You remember all of the times you have cried in cars. You can’t count that high. You take a few detours before you go home. You check social media. Nothing.

You walk into your apartment and the lights are off. You don’t turn them on. You lie in your bed and hold your teddy bear. You remember when you were nine. You remember it was before your step-dad left. It was before you started hurting yourself. It was before boys hurt you.

You close your eyes and you see his face. The boy that makes you forget. You don’t smile. You don’t cry. You sleep.


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