f e a r s

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic

what will tomorrow bring?

There it is. That feeling again.

It spikes up in my stomach, leaving me with an anxious feeling that grows more and more. Twenty seconds later, my body begins to tremble, and I feel vulnerable; so, very, vulnerable. It's that feeling that I've felt so many times and yet have never grown used to, because it always catches me off guard, and it always happens at the randomnest times. Even so, it’s a feeling that I experience every single day, yet have never grown used to.

Fear.

Who knew that simple words could break someone so easily? That simple texts could make me cringe, want to hide under a blanket, to feign ignorance of its existence? I desperately want to do so; but I’ve feigned ignorance too many times already. I can’t ignore it forever.

But when did it become my responsibility?

To hold such stressful emotions? To always be there, ready and smiling for others to expect to be able to handle all these worries? Once upon a time, I was there, 24/7, ready to help. And now, look at me - fearing for others’ lives when I had my own troubles, feeling utterly guilty and regretful when I chose to look after myself instead of them.

Is it a sin to want to care for myself first?

I don’t want it. I want to cry out those words - I don’t want this. Give me back the days where I felt carefree. Give me back the days where I was happy and could deal with my problems. Give me back the days where I felt like a person, who had feelings and troubles. Give me back the days where I knew they cared for me as a friend and not as someone who was just there to listen.

Give it back.

Sometimes, I don’t even feel like a person anymore. I just feel like nothing, when I’m at the peak of my fear, when I try to push it down by trying to feel nothing. And it is guaranteed to work. That’s what I’ve been doing for the past three years.

Please, give it back.

My phone lights up, and immediately, the feeling comes back, making my whole body shake as I turn away from the small electronic, not prepared to take it. Not yet, anyway. Because I know later on that I’ll have to respond anyway, or I’ll be guilt-ridden for life.

What do I do?
And that’s where everything stops, and my day ends. I transition from being me to the void they want me to be. The one without worries or troubles or feelings. In that form, I’m invincible, able to take any criticism towards me and my personality, and my selfish ways. Able to face those texts that spell out “You’re the one who brought this”. And even so, I know that once I wake up in my morning, the fear will hit me even stronger.

What will tomorrow bring?

Even though I can answer that question for them, when I ask myself that, I don’t answer.

 


Submitted: November 24, 2015

© Copyright 2022 kaithope. All rights reserved.

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