A Letter to my newly wedded N.R.I. Husband

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

Its just too share my feelings, to share what all a girl has to go through once she is married.

 

 It has been more than five years since we are in touch (wanted to write that i know you since more than last five year, but it doesn't make any sense).

We were happily engaged for five long years……we saw number of up and downs and had heated arguments but still madly in love with each other…..our distant relationship miraculously survived every damn clashes, each  turbulent period of our quarrels on phone…….distance was never a matter of concern.

I planned everything with you.

Discussed everything with you.

Shared each damn feeling with you.

Asked you to forgive me for all my weaknesses. 

Apologized for not being perfect.

Requested you to hold my hand more tightly every time I say "leave me alone", as you are the only person I want to be with.
 Requested you not to leave me alone if I get angry with you.

Told you every incident ever happened in my life.

Trusted you more than anybody else in this universe.

Had confidence in you more than myself.

Believed your each and every word as a saint.

Had faith in you more than I have in god.

Was not worried about any damn thing.....thought you are besides me......u will hold in case I fall......

You will get the things right where I am unable to..... (Though it doesn’t matter anymore….appears to be an illusion).

 

Our marriage was, finally, fixed last year. Everything was fine and suddenly one fine morning you were arguing like hell with me just because of venue of our marriage ceremony. Marriages in our society are solemnized at bride's place. This issue, which also is a part of tradition, our culture, was already discussed and had been decided between us.

 

You never said a word to your parents and instead you were fighting with me even when you knew that I am right and then you put everything on me. "She wanted it to happen at her home." For the first time it was not about ‘us’. You threw ‘we’ out of our relationship. You forgot that you had given me words. You forgot that this poor gal loves you. Your behavior on that morning is as fresh as it can be in my memory.

 

I was shocked, felt like you don’t want to marry me but you did. Your parents saved our relationship when it meant nothing to you. It was finally fixed, with god's mercy you agreed to come to my place. I am always thankful to you for your kindness.

 

And I tried to forget everything and was thinking about the new beginning.

 

One fine, wintry, pleasant and beautiful morning we got married. I had the best night of my life. Being in your arms was like being in heaven. It seemed to be the best place in the universe. I wanted that night to be never-ending. Unfortunately it ended and another life started. You were busy throughout the day, night comes, and I was in our room, all alone, missing my home, crying.......

 

Mom got worried about me. She sent didi to call me downstairs. Mom made me calm, tried to make sleep. I felt like being at home, thank god mamma was there. I had no clue of your whereabouts till mid night and around 12 mamma asked me to go upstairs and I found you in the room....drunk.......you did not bother to see me......you were resting.......it was my second night with you.......and you made me cry hell out of me.......

 

Again it was shocking for me. Not just because you  were drunk, but the fact that you did not bother to see your newly wedded wife who had left everything for you only.....anyways....u said sorry.......and then I tried to forget even this also............

 

Then things seemed normal. I was trying to get used to the things. I was just observing, trying to fulfill all my duties and 10-15 days passed. Then the third shock from you. You, for first time in our history of conversation, told me that you are not going to stay and want to leave next week. I could not believe your words or rather did not want to believe. I could not control my feelings, reacted insanely, left with no options, felt like being cheated. You seemed to be a real stranger for a moment. I saw my love, my trust, my respect for you being insulted.........completely shattered....... and I committed mistake of asking my brother to take me home next day, making him restless for the night. I was not ready to understand that I am married to you now and it’s my fate.......

 

I tried hard to define this word "fate".......we human beings….. when we are unable to control the circumstances, state of affairs.....we term all this as fate and I tried to do the same and  I  failed badly just because of my belief of having faith in myself only, just because I never took such fate, destiny kind of things seriously.

 

You didn’t tell your parents that you love me. It’s not sufficient. We need to spend some time together. Probably you never wanted to and you put everything on me and told that I want you to stay back, even when I never asked you to do so. You did it but in my name. I am still unable to understand the reason behind. I am not able to make out why you would politicise our love. Isn’t it unreasonable!!!!!! I never asked you to stay thereafter. But then you created this impression that it’s me. Mamma got angry in the morning when you told them that you going to stay back as we decided. I could see the eyes holding me guilty and for the first time I had the feeling of being an outsider in your family. I never thought of such things, never wanted such incidents to happen. I do love everybody, but it’s you who.......anyways leave.......

 

And here, again I committed a mistake of expecting you to keep your words. I was wrong..............I got to learn that words spoken in past find no place in the harsh realities of practical life and people can easily  forget their words.............u did the same........

 

You taught me another lesson, not to take the words seriously......ever..........and  I find it too hard to learn as our whole relationship was based on words only............how can I do so..............the basis.............you shattered the basis...........

 

And with this you callously killed my happiness utterly.......

 

I can’t remember of being happy thereafter, even for a moment, though I was still trying to understand the cruelty of this new life's practicalities. I was consoling myself with all the false assurances and I failed miserably. I was crumbling down . I tried hard to make you understand my feelings. I was literally begging you, but you had all your problems, you didn’t give a second thought. You were adamant on your decision, as usual; you do whatever you want to do, sometimes on your own and sometimes by putting the things on others.

 

Couple of days passed and yet again, one fine morning we had heated argument, that too at your maternal aunt's home. You wanted to stay there, were not willing to come to my place to get my paper work.......i wanted to get it as soon as possible.....you were indifferent.....got nothing to do with it......you were telling me about your wish to spend time here and there, you were unhappy with the fact that you could not spend time with your cousins, friends, relative......it was your only concern......you never said that you do want to spend time with me too........i was wondering.........

 

The morning drama.......I asked you to stay and let me go. I wanted to go home as was really tired of arguing and tired of every failed attempt to make you understand my feelings. Perhaps you took my feelings too irrational to consider even once. You really behaved like a typical Indian husband and then told you parents on phone that nothing happened, not a big deal.......  “She is overreacting”, and now it was the third time you again put the blame on my shoulders. You never told them what did you do.......what all I wanted and you, again, were innocent mamma's boy suffering from your wife's cruelties.......

 

Now, with this, you forced me to think in different direction. I started thinking of all the alternatives we can have to save our relationship.........but, again, I failed. Relationship survives with the efforts from both the sides. I was completely clueless about the rationale/motive behind your kind of behavior. Why would a husband distorts his newly wedded wife' image before his parents just to prove himself innocent mamma's boy, that too when this wife never wanted to spoil the relationship of son with his parents.

 

To me, for the first time, relations appeared too complex to understand.

 

Here I really want to tell you that believe me I had nothing against mamma-papa or against you or your relationship with mamma-papa. Why did you misunderstand me.......why did you think that I am coming between you and your duties towards mama-papa. You got duties towards rest of the world except me. This is what you told me every time "see I got my duties, I got to do so many things....I am a son, I am a brother...."

 

But you never said that you are a husband too. When it came to be a husband nothing was in your hands. This is what you told me every time.

 

It was just a beginning. I do love the family. I never wanted to be alone with you but at the same time I never wanted you to take me for-granted, never. I am still unable to figure out the reason as to why will you take my love for you for-granted.....why could not you take it as love........just love....... I wish you could understand that this girl has left everything behind just because she loves you. This poor girl got even ready to leave the country she born and brought-up in, the country she love the most and you feared that this girl going to disturb your relationships. Why will I do so!!!!!!  Your parents love you unconditionally. You don’t need to prove that you love them. They know that you love them……why do you do this…..seriously; I am unable to find any damn reason.

 

Irrespective of everything I still was in love with you, had rocking nights, making love. Just to tell you that I am all yours. Although, at core of my heart, I always had the feeling of being alone, spent number of nights crying and having you sleeping/snoring besides me..........it, really, was painful............

 

By this time I starting asking you to leave as soon as possible, everything became unbearable. You didn't leave early because you do things the way you plan, leaving no scope for any compromise. You got this great habit. By doing this you taught me another lesson of being practical in every situation…. hell with emotions, feelings kind of stuff and once more, I failed to let my emotions go. I was unable to imagine life without feelings, emotions....it appeared like imagining a painting void of any colors and for the first time I cursed myself for being too sentimental and found myself unfit for this cruel world. You made my belief firm that world is cruel.

 

Other terrible thing was my obsession of saying, “I will not come to you, you are leaving.....fine....you leave.....but I won’t come to you.....I am going to stay in India only.” I was telling you the same whenever we had argument. Being in Indian society, I knew it’s an impossible thing. The archaic, conventional fact of being an Indian girl from a reputed, cultured family I have to be at marital house for rest of my life, come what may.  After all it’s a matter of pride of my family. How can a girl defy societal norms, ages long traditions.

 

Despite knowing all these facts, I was telling such stupid things, do you know why. I never wanted you to leave me alone. I never wanted you to leave for indefinite period. I never wanted to wait for you when I had no clue as to how long it’s going to take. I wanted you to tell me that you will be back soon. You will come to see me. you will not wait for the paper work as it’s not clear how much time will it take. I wanted you tell me that you equally love me and you never said so......you never talked about coming back....you just wanted to leave.

 

I was becoming irritating.......it must have been suffocating for you.......I am really sorry for all my insane behavior.....do accept my serious apology.........

 

And finally you left. You could not spare me couple of days which I could spend with you, talking endlessly, without arguing, without hectic road trips. You could not spare me couple of days to share what all I was feeling. My desire to have couple of days with you seemed too immense to be fulfilled. How foolish I was too desire such big things.

 

You left without having a word with me, no goodbye kisses, nothing. For the first time I realized how difficult is the task of holding back tears, my eyes were filled, overflowing. At IGI, I looked into your eyes once, endeavored to see the longing for myself.........they were blank......in hurry to leave.......you could not spare me a drop of tear as goodbye gift.......

 

You checked in. I asked bhaiya to drop at metro station as my tears were becoming irrepressible. I didn't want to cry in front of them, I didn't want them to suffer because of me. I cried at IGI metro station, people giving me strange look......all alone, unable to make out as to what i am crying for...........

 

You gave me call and told me that you love me..........it’s something, you have told me number of time. I realised that we do have different definitions of love. Is love all about telling these three damn words.......these words appeared extremely futile…..

 

Now it has been three months since you left. I keep thinking about what all I experienced in my post marriage life. I cried before you, requested you, begged you, and did every possible thing to move your heart. It never moved. I was waiting for more pain you going to inflict with your so called loving behavior, was waiting some more shocks.

 

I was behaving insanely, every time you made calls, was fighting every time you called me up......did the most horrible thing.....drafted a separation agreement, emailed to you.....asked you not to make calls......and at the same time sending you emails and text telling that I love you......made late nights calls several time to tell you that I need you......I was getting crazy.

 

Nothing worked out. One day I seriously decided to give up. I sent you a text to told you so......told you that I will not leave India, going to join some job here only.....told you that i got no complaints against you.......and then you gave me call, you seemed too upset...... threatened me to commit suicide if I will not stop telling all this.....I tried hard to calm you down.....tried to tell you that it’s not going to work out......

 

You suddenly changed your mood. You said, "ok you want me to come, i will come,i am coming.....you just wait". And you cut the line. I asked you not come, told you that I don’t want you to do anything because of pressure from my side. You please, come whenever you really feel like. Don’t accuse me like this. Your behavior was unexpected for me. I asked you to talk to me and you text me instead telling me that that you will ring only after getting the ticket confirmed, in accusing tone......

 

I could not sleep that night. I had an intuition of some miss happening and you did it again. As expected, you gave me the shock for the fourth time.....and I survived this fourth one also......oh!!! This so called GOD created woman with enormous energy, patience and tolerance to survive every kind of shocks, cruelty, heartbreaks and any damn soreness of this harsh world.  Anyways….Instead of getting ticket confirmed (which you told me night before) you went to your parents complaining against me......telling them each and everything......telling that "she doesn’t want to come over here..... I am too tensed....barely avoided a road accident ......call her parents...tell them to teach her a lesson” and I don’t know what else. your father in fit of anger calls my father complaining about his daughter...... unbelievable...astonishing.....you can’t do this....can’t go to this extent...... you proudly told me that you told your father as to what all he should tell my father……

 

My father......being a girl's father was too polite to talk......too ashamed of getting complaints about his loving daughter....had no option but to say that don't worry I will make her understand......he made me understand.......I understood.....I asked “papa you really want me to go, at any cost”......he said yes....and then...i was like.... “Fine papa....I will go, come what may.....and I am sorry I let you down.....I know he understands me.......but”.....

 

What else he could do now.....daughter is married now..........the most terrible thing happened.....you humiliated my father......that too for your mistakes......that too just because I love you......hell with this love........will never forgive you for this....Allow me to remind you that I love my father the most, he is my world to me. And next time will not tolerate such nasty act.

 

May GOD give you a daughter and make you face the same........want to see your expressions at that time.....

 

With this again you put everything on me. You got the excuse not to come, though I asked you not to come. You made me your devil wife, who is troubling you all the time and poor you is unable to bear, have too much to take. How nice you are. My loving, caring husband got duty to tell everything to his parents, no matter at what cost. My loving husband is under an obligation to ask his father to talk to my father. I got another lesson from you, people in this world can complain even when they themselves are not right and even for their own mistakes........and this world appeared to be terribly unpredictable......

 

It didn't take you a second to discuss the things which were there between us only. Only thing I had.....you didn't let it remain mine. Why did you do this? What are you punishing me for? You could not keep personal stuff personal……and you held me responsible for this……

 

I don’t understand anything, you said so and justified yourself. You didn’t even felt sorry. I asked you night before I don’t want you to involve anyone in this fiasco……probably I had an idea as to what you going to do now…..with earlier three incidents, I had come to know you a bit……..

 

You didn’t consider the fact that problem between two persons can never be solved by a third person….never ever…..

And the worst has happened……

 

Following night after calling you number of times, lastly you were kind enough to make a call, kind enough to talk. I just wanted to know the reason behind all this drama, the need to create this scene. But you were in no mood. By this time you were altogether a different person. You were not ready to talk, answer any of my questions. I asked the reason and you started teaching me practicalities of life, giving me lecture on duties.

 

Your actions speak louder than your words. You don’t need to shout about your duties, you just have to fulfill.

 

 I do understand my duties, had always been practical, unlike you I never promised anything which I was not able to do……Being practical is not about hurting others……being practical is not all about talking big things…….leave practicality…..you were my passion……I was passionate about you…….and you want me to be practical…….see the irony…..

 

This last conversation was horrible.....you talked roughly.....in such a harsh tone.....in uncivilized manner.......it left me numb.....overnight change in you.......as if some force was guiding you to behave in such a fashion. I was unable to believe that it’s you...........but the reality is far too harsh than my beliefs....it was you only....

 

The words are coming back to my ears again and again....echoing.........I don’t need to tell you this time that it hurts a lot. I have told you before. You didn't stop......hardly listened to me......and finally I told you not give me call ever. I promised to come to you, and at the same time told you that I am not going to have any relation with you.....and the relationship I loved more than my life could not be saved..........you ended it brutally.

 

It got over.....no more argues.....and no more hurting.

Now you must be wondering if it’s over why the hell she is still writing me!!!!! 

Sigh!!!!!!! Even I don’t exactly know the reason. May be just to ease out my emotions or I am still trying to tell you that I was not that bad. I don’t know, but yea now, since it’s over, it doesn’t hurt that much, feeling better now, and moral is, “one need to get hurt ruthlessly to come out of trap of illusionary love.

 


Submitted: June 27, 2012

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