The Gods Must Have A Sense Of Humor & I Swear They are Orchestrating My Life!

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
Vol 1: Till Death Do You Part, SAY WHAT?!

The Gods Must Have A Sense Of Humor, is a flash memoir series of the crazy situations I have found myself in. In these very short true stories of my life, I will share various experiences including fighting parents (sometimes comical, sometimes NOT), psychic ability, teenage pregnancy, single motherhood, baby father drama, court, jail, "taboo" sexploration, battling rage, losing a custody battle, having psycho friends, being evicted, being forced to take advantage of squatters rights, enduring chronic hospitalizations of my child, taking in friends and family in need emotional support, alternative healing “miracles”, plus much much more!

Submitted: December 10, 2013

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Submitted: December 10, 2013

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~~Oh My God!  Is this really happening? Both Sean and I felt the wedding day jitters, only there would be no actual “wedding”.  The pale, drab walls and dusty scuffed linoleum floors offensively illuminated by the cheap, fluorescent lighting weren’t exactly a sight for sore eyes to see.  The only “guest” we had was our witness, Sean’s best friend, Jason.  In this moment, Jason’s idea of harmless small talk was blurting out his chauvinistic opinion of how I was obligated to be “bare foot and pregnant” when I hold the title of Sean’s wife!  “Get ready to just be having babies and cooking meals like all these Jewish women in here” he blurted out loudly in the midst of many other couples getting married that day.  I was absolutely horrified at how oblivious Jason was when it came to his crazy off the wall comments!  I wanted so badly to announce to the crowd “it’s not his fault, he has adult ADHD, he doesn’t think before he speaks but he is a really nice guy”.I knew that would only make matters worse so I just did what I had always done when dealing with Jason.  “Would you just shut the hell up”, I said.  And that was the end of that.  When Sean and I started dating, he and Jason were best friend for over 15 years.  The first time Jason and I had met, he did not exactly make the best 1st impression.  “Martha, this is Jason, Jason… Martha”, Sean cordially introduced us to each other as any gentlemen would.Before I could complete the smile that was forming on my face, Jason blurted out “so this is the bitch that’s been taking up all your time”.  “WHOA” Sean replied… he gestured to me that he needed a minute, and stated “let’s try this again”.  He gently pulled the door closed.  I was SHOCKED, however I couldn’t help but to laugh it off.  After all, Sean did inform me that Jason was a bit SPECIAL.  After a re-introduction and a brief apology, Jason and I were now officially “friends”.  Over the years, he had proved himself to a wonderful guy, but he simply had a horrible case of oral diarrhea.Here we all stood in the Brooklyn County Court house, in this day of holy matrimony.  “How ironic” I thought.  The same system that is attempting to tear my family apart is simultaneously making it stronger this very day.  Yeah, this whirlwind was about much more than just getting married.  It was one of the “Marshall’s Law” moments that seemed to plague my life.  I’m here, marrying my boyfriend (much sooner than we had planned) in a shitty court house to prove to a judge that this wonderful man will continue to be a loving, responsible father figure to my beautiful children (today - 9 years later, we are still going strong).  Is this really happening?

“I DO” Sean stated!  I was so excited.  I couldn’t help how “superior” I had felt in that moment where Sean finally (however reluctantly) became mine.  “Yeah, buddy, that’s right, till death do you part, HA” I thought.  With a sneer in my eye and a snicker in my throat, I watched that one sweat drop slide down Sean’s forehead.  Oh what glee I felt!  Unfortunately, it was quite short lived when suddenly I was forced to snap out of it as the justice of peace commanded my attention. She glared into my eyes, “Martha, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, till death do you part?” It was now my turn to be under interrogation!  “How dare this woman spew these vile words of restriction and obligation at me!?” I thought.  How can this be happening???  The room was spinning.  I got really really hot!  I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest! I could not breathe!  Gasp, is this really happening”, I thought. In a flash and a blur, I reached out and grabbed Sean’s arm for support.  He looked at me as if to say “are you ok”?  But it was too late now, in a surreal moment of white noise I stated “I DO”.I now pronounce you man and wife.  Okay, so yeah… this really just happened!

What was supposed to be one of the most precious moments of my life, had just been stolen from me as a result of some punk ass, overzealous lawyer calling my boyfriend (the absolute BEST man I know) a “fling”.  There in custody court he proclaimed Sean was too young to really take us seriously. “I honestly doubt this man will be around that long, your honor” the lawyer stated. “Martha, is this relationship a serious one”?, the judge asked.  “Yes it is your honor!”, I replied.  Sean was my support system and this lawyer was trying to strip that away from me.  He did the best he could to minimalize the blessing of Sean’s presence in our lives.  He had no clue how much love we shared and what lengths we would take to prove it!  I mean seriously, my 2 year old little boy (who cried at the site of his own father) adores this man!  I have NEVER seen my son accept and play with (riding horsy, to be exact) a stranger so fast.  This is a child who is SUPER selective.  Once, he gave an employee at build-a-bear the screw face while we waited on the line to stuff the bear.  My sister asked me why he had such a frown on his face.  “He hates it when people are extra engaging and all up in his personal space”, I replied. We both could not help but to laugh as we watched the build-a-bear employee hop around with a squeaky voice proclaiming each step to make the bear in a super cheesy manner.  “Now we rub teddy’s’ tummy to make him feel special, and now we give teddy a biiig kiss so he knows you love him, and now we give teddy a biiig hug so he feels all warm and fuzzy on the inside, and now we spin around and wish for good luck for our wonderful new teddy, hehehe-squeak squeak squeak!!”  My 6 year old daughter was eating it up!  My son, tucked himself behind my leg, like… lady, back off!  Sean was the first guy my children met since their father and I broke up.  The final test was how my children took to him.  When my son accepted Sean so fast and then actually allowed me to leave the apartment to go buy groceries, I knew that I had chosen the right man. 

On the next court date, we informed the court we were now married.  The tone of voice and facial expression of the petitioner’s attorney was priceless!  He scrambled to object as his only defense just fell apart like a piece of wet toilet paper.  “What!  How do we know this is true”, he proclaimed.  “It’s a matter of public record”, I replied.Being left to come up with a new way to find me “unfit”, the creativity and maliciousness on the part of the petitioner had now been turned up a notch.  A serious emotional roller coaster ride now looms on the horizon.

This is the story of my life, and sometimes I can’t even believe it’s real.  I even gave my boyfriend a disclaimer when we decided to get serious.  “I don’t know what it is, but I seem to have a personal rain cloud assigned to my life. When I am not being poured on, lightening is striking”, I told him.  Hey, I gave him fair warning and he decided to jump in anyway.  After a few years together, I realized that my warning had unknowingly fed his “need for speed”.  He is definitely a thrill seeker and a glutton for punishment!  His favorite phrase to use when describing the moment we “met” is “It’s not your beauty, it’s your booty”, Ha-ha.  His first glimpse of me was not of my face. He was encouraged by another co-worker to “look up at the new girl” as I leaned on the sign in table to add my name, ugh…typical.  It goes against all my rules to mix business with pleasure, so we were co-workers for six months before I decided to date him.  It wasn’t an actual decision I made on my own.  I had more or less been given a divine nudge.  The Gods tend to speak to me when I sleep and they made it clear in my dreamscape that this man was going to be mine.  I analyzed the dream, then evaluated how he behaved for the past six months and I had no choice but to finally acknowledge I was forcing myself to ignore my feelings for him, simply because we worked together.  I can remember waking up every day, hoping I would be paired in the same group as him for the work assignments.  So, cheesy!  I’m not that kind of girl, so I embraced denial for as long as I could.  “Okay, Okay… you’re right”, I gave my telepathic acknowledgement to the Gods.  I accepted their little nudge and then accepted a date with Sean.  The Gods must have a sense of humor because before I could worry about a relationship with a co-worker going sour, I got fired!  It was a tough commute.  Two hours each way on public transportation just for a part time shift.  And it wasn’t really good for me to be traveling alone in the subway system at 3am to get to work on time.  From the Bronx on the 4 train then the A train through the borough of Queens and finally the Air-train to JFK international.  It was stressful, to say the least.I was frequently late and that last time was the last straw.  In hindsight, losing that job was a blessing.  It opened the door to a better opportunity.  There is always a silver lining to my storm cloud.  The trick is accepting change and having faith.  When one door closes, a better one always seems to open. 

So here I am, newly relocated to NY from NC to find a better job.  I had finally landed an apartment (so be it an illegal sublet from a crazy co-worker, that almost didn’t happen) and had just been slapped with a custody petition.  Struggling to provide for my children for 6 years without him,  their father decides that he could give them a more stable life (in his mother’s house as she pays the bills) now that he had graduated college AND flight school.  How convenient! He accused me of being unstable and informed the court that he was more financially able to care for the children.  YA THINK!  The Gods decide all that just wasn’t enough!  So, on top of all that, I am now also unemployed.  GOOD GRIEF!


Congratulations to those of you who tolerated this crazy story and made it this far.  You have just completed the first/pilot chapter of my new flash memoir series.  This is not fiction, though it may certainly sound like it (in this and in future episodes).  Sadly, I must admit this is all fact.  When I look back on it, my life truly resembles a tragic comedy.  It’s therapeutic for me to share, and perhaps it will serve as encouragement for some of you out there who are going through your own personal struggle.  You are not alone.  You need not be ashamed.  After you read what I have gone through, hopefully you can even laugh at the rough times that hit us every now and then.  I laugh to keep from crying at least once a month! 

Until next week,
The Celestial Misfit – Karizma Renegade


© Copyright 2018 Karizma Renegade. All rights reserved.

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