This Is How A God Dies.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
Joe and Jason have found that they are both facing the same choice. Suicide.

Submitted: April 02, 2014

A A A | A A A

Submitted: April 02, 2014




This is how a god dies.

  Joe couldn't take the pain swelling up in his chest. His eyes furrowed from sadness to frustration and then to anger. His mind kept flashing back to the scene that he saw; Kelsey was in another man's arms, a man whom he despised. All he could see was the way she gently cupped Jason's face, the exact way she had done for him when he needed her. He couldn't’t get the images out of his head. It was making him sick. He needed to get out, to get away from the thoughts, from his house, from every thing he ever loved. For it was everything he loved in life that turned around and disappointed him. 

  In no alternate reality could he have stayed in his room any longer, or let his thoughts be occupied with her.Suddenly he ran out the door and grabbed his bike. He began peddling madly on a dirt trail behind his house. 

  Joe didn't understand, he just couldn't. That man, that man she "loved" so deeply with every ounce of her soul, was a monster. He didn't’t understand what she saw in Jason.  He was better than him, he thought to himself. I am taller, stronger, handsomer, more powerful, more intelligently smarter, and above all in love with her exactly more than any normal persons’ capacity to love is.

  He didn't understand. His thoughts tore him apart, they drove him to the edge of insanity. All he could see was rage, rage and the color red. The rage consumed him so much that he didn't really comprehend where he was going. He didn't really comprehend his surroundings. All he could think about was how the love of his life was slowly crumbling away inside by some boy. Some boy who could barely call himself a man. 

  As far as Joe’S concern, Jason was a dick head. How dare Jason believe he would be settling for her, that she wasn't a catch.  He forcefully called him everything he could possibly think of to insult Jason, while driving off in his rage.

  Suddenly he stopped his bike. His head jerked up. He saw where his bike had led him. A part of him knew the bikes final destination, yet the other screamed there was more to it. It screamed in denial, as the final embers of the hope for life were put out with cold numbing water.

  He was at the Barnyard. The Barnyard sat on a 40ft cliff. The were no trees there, the soil was rich with pollution, and had turned a chalky coal color. The air was stagnant as well as the small pools of water that collected in the muddy land. Beneath the Barnyard were train tracks, train tracks that hadn't’t seen a train in 9 years.

  A factory used to stand here, but an explosion that happened nearly 50 years ago killed about a hundred people. Ten years after the factory was torn down, a family of three bought the land and built a junk yard. However, the father was an abusive drunk and ended up killing the whole family by setting the house on fire with them locked inside. And since forth this land had seen many deaths, self killings, and dreadful unfortunate accidents. 

  However dark and dreary the Barnyard’s past had been, Joe wasn't’t bothered by it. In fact he had been coming here ever since he was a boy. 

  His mother had passed away when he was just a baby, and his father fell into a deep depression. As a result of that, he unintentionally neglected the mental needs of Joe. So in an attempt to escape from his father, and people in general, he came here. 

  He tapered off to coming here after his accident. When he was about eight years old, he was hit by a car that was racing across the train tracks. That accident put him into a coma that no one thought he would ever emerge from.

  During that time his father was urged to take him off of life support. However, he was a man of god. He believed if he prayed hard enough, then his boy would wake up. But in the end, it wasn't god who had saved his boy, it was science. And a part of him knew that.

  The aftermath of the coma had put Joe two years back in schooling. He would of been graduating this year had he not been hit. However, he was only in 11nth grade. He was a straight A student, who was in all advanced classes. He was the top of all major sports Those were two things he was very good at.

  He was once on a whole, was a shy, very intelligent, and athletic boy. He was what every father wanted their sons to be. He believed in helping others, having a reason behind every decision in life, and having good morals.

  Joe came back to reality and slammed his bike down. He ran out to the edge of the cliff having half a mind to jump. No not yet. He thought, remembering he had yet to write the letter. And on top of that he wasn't’t entirely sure if jumping off the cliff was what he wanted.

  He looked down below the cliff and saw the empty tracks. A train hadn't ran on them since his accident. He sinfully thought of what would happened if he never was awakened from the coma.He would of never loved Kelsey. He would of never loved life, and then grow to hate it. He would of never suffered any of this pain. And most importantly he would of never have been  here.

  Anger and confusion built behind his thoughts. It roared like angry lions inside him. He let them out with tears burning his cheeks." IS THIS WHAT YOU HAD IN MIND GOD?!”’ he screamed at the top of his lungs. “FOR ME TO DIE THIS WAY INSTEAD? TO SAVE ME AS A BOY, GROW ME INTO A MAN, THEN MURDER ME WITH A MENTAL PAIN I CAN NO LONGER BEAR?" He paused, silently looking for some answer. A part of him almost hoped for it. He searched, but all he saw was the grey sky that March brings. And all he heard was the bitter cold wind.

  " YOU BASTARD!" That part, unlike the other statement, wasn't meant for me. It was meant for Kelsey. He loved her and changed for her, he lived and died for her. How did she show his love for him? How did she say thank you for putting up with it all, for loving her without hesitation? By dating and loving another man who treated her like crap.

 Joe looked at the cliff bottom again and thought to himself, What an ironic way it would be to die that way. However symbolic that might be, its too bad the trains don’t use these tracks any more. I guess I choose fire. 

 He went back to his bike that held his bag, and from his book bag, he pulled out a small can of gas and dumped it onto the bike. He used up all of it drenching the bike. He forgot he  needed it for himself, he shamefully scolded himself for doing so. That meant his only way out of this misery was by jumping. 

  He dug into his bag a little deeper and found a box of matches. He lit the match and let it fall. Soon his bike was burning bright. He knew that the tires would burn for a good two hours, so he had time to waste. 

  There was a strange comfort he found in that. That at then of two hours, would be gone and dead. It would be perhaps the only absolute thing in his life. He picked up a pen and paper and began to write his final words. 

  Poetry and symbolism had always been two things that he enjoyed very much, and had come naturally to him. He sat down in the ashy soil next to the fire. It was becoming very cold out. He guessed it to be around thirty degrees fahrenheit.He stared at the black smoke littering the grey sky. He took a deep breath and began writing his last words.

"I dream that love comes silently.

I dream that it will rescue me.

In our pool of tears that we weep,

I dream that your soul is mine to keep.

And all the other lookers that I see,

They will never mean what you mean to me.

But I can hear it,

That soft faint whisper."

  He stopped suddenly. He felt a bony hand land on his shoulder. He whipped around and at that very moment, he saw the last person in the world he ever wanted see. Jason.

  Jason had the color all drained from his face. He looked more like a ghost or a statue than an actual person. Something looked dreadfully off and wrong with him. His eyes were red, almost as if he had been crying. Had Joe not been so occupied with his own feelings, and the task he faced at hand he would of asked him what was wrong, or why he was even here. But all he could think of was the boiling hatred towards him. So frankly he didn't’t care.

  Jason spoke to Joe in a quavering voice, "Joe, why is your bike burning?"

  Joe was extremely annoyed by Jason’s presence. He wanted to be left alone and to face his final hour alone. He answered Jason in a sour tone, "It doesn't matter, go home, you are not welcome here."

  Jason heard the anger in Joe’S voice. He would of gone home, but home was the last place he wanted to be. He didn't’t want to hear the awful noises of his parents fighting, or of his mother screaming."Well...I can't go home."

Jason went ahead and sat next to Joe. Joe in response, glared at Jason with every ounce of hatred he could muster into one stare. Jason however didn't seem to feel it. He was much too numb inside. 

  They sat together in silence in the cold blowing wind. Neither of them thought of anything. It was dead outside, except for the sound of March echoing through the valley.And one can easily lose their self to that kind of white noise.

  Joe was slowly being pulled back to reality. His mind was screaming at him like a mad raven over some small detail he had overlooked about Jason. Then it dawned on him, Jason had a gun in his hand. 

  Joe tried not to care about the gun. However, with every passing second sat in silence, his mind kept exploding with all the possibilities behind Jason having it. So finally, with much regret and courage, he turned to him and asked "Jason what are you planning to do with that gun?".

  Jason looked down at the gun. He was harshly reminded of why he was here. He was astounded he had come this far. He was in utter disbelief that he was this close to actually ending it. He peered back up from the gun and in a very flat voice he said to Joe, "It doesn't matter." 

  Joe nodded. He didn't care if Jason didn't share. He didn't care about Jason in general. In fact deep down inside, he hoped Jason would shoot himself with it. He knew that it made him a bad man for thinking such a thing, but at this point he didn't really care anymore. He felt that whatever part of him that was once good, if that part even existed, it was now long gone.

  Joe felt his rage begin to climb again.He was absolutely furious with Jason’s presence. of all the places Jason could be right now, why the hell was he here?  He spat out to Jason "WHY ARE YOU HERE? WHAT’S A HAPPY KID LIKE YOU DOING IN A DEPRESSING PLACE LIKE THIS?". 

  Those words normally would have stung Jason, he didn't’t like being called a kid. He didn't’t like Joe either. However  today he was completely numb.The words were heard physically, but not mentally. They were only sucked in a little ways. Only enough for him to actually think. He tried to find a valid answer to Joe’S question. He thought to himself, Why am I here? What grounds do I have to do this? Not finding one he said aloud to Joe "I came here to do something that I need to do.". His voice didn't change pitch, it was as empty as the land that surrounded them. 

  Joe didn't’t need to hear Jason say it. He knew why Jason was here. He knew why Jason had a gun with him. It was so obvious. He didn't’t want to believe it at first, but it was so undeniable. No other reason could be valid to explain the gun, the isolation and the way Jason was acting. Joe hated to admit it. It would appear that it’s all to be for nothing. He at that moment, had never questioned god more in his entire life. 

  He wasn't’t sure that any god would allow this, but at the same time he didn't’t see how this could all be some coincidence. In his lifetime, he had witnessed no miracles. He used to believe heavy in God. He used to think that his own life was a miracle. However now he didn't believe so. He didn't’t believe in God anymore, too many bad things had happened. But while looking at it that way, his mind countered his belief. Too many bad things have happened for life to just be spinning madly. Every event in his life seemed coordinated towards an epic sadness, or some sorrow filled picture.

  The two men sat close together, both subconsciously using each other as a block from the bitter wind blowing down on them.  

 Joe thought angrily to himself. His anger was building up again. It was hopeless trying to keep the vomit down. He wanted to know why Jason was here to kill himself. He was screaming on the inside, his ears were ringing from a noise that wasn't even there. And his body was sweating from a fight that was happening on the inside. WHY ARE YOU HERE….. YOU HAVE THE ONE THING THAT I WANT.. GOD DAMN YOU... But before he could scream it out to Jason, Jason spoke.

He spoke in the lowest most chilling voice Joe had ever heard. It was angry, and rough, as if a monster was tearing through Jason’s body from the inside, clawing and scratching, trying to get out of the small man. "WHY ARE YOU HERE? WHAT RIGHT DO YOU HAVE TO END IT?".

  This tone of voice displayed by Jason only angered Joe more. He thought begrudgingly to himself, I’ll put the bullet in you myself, you bastard. WHAT DOES IT MATTER? WHY DO YOU CARE WHAT HAPPENS TO ME?  The lions raging inside the cage of his heart were about to break through the gates of hell.They were clawing and roaring. And suddenly the cage broke, nail by nail, until they took over.  And his inner demons poured out of his eyes and his mouth. And thusly it was spoken, his true valid reason for being at the Barnyard. "I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! SHE IS KILLING HER SELF FOR SOME PATHETIC LITTLE MAN! THE LITTLE PRICK DOESN'T’T EVEN KNOW WHAT HE DOING TO HER, HE IS MAKING HER DIE A LITTLE INSIDE EVERY DAY!!! .” He was screaming, ripping and pulling at his hair in frustration. “I can't stand to see her fall for some prick head. Some fucking prick who doesn't realize she would die for him. "

  He gasped the air in his lungs. he was exasperated. 

  He was panting heavily, he was finished but he had to catch his breath. His head was between his legs.  He said softer this time in a voice filled with sorrow. “ I want only for her to be happy. But this happiness that she wants, I can’t give that to her...unless I am gone.” He began to softly lose himself his own tears. He didn't’t want Jason to see him be so weak like this, but he couldn't’t help himself.That is until He felt Jason's hand pat him on the back. 

  In that instant, all the hatred and anger that had just crumbled before was suddenly back again, dwelling in a new cage exactly stronger than the previous one.

  His head snapped up, and glared at the man who was tearing his life apart. He hated it. He hated it so much because Jason didn't even know it. He didn't’t even know how much he was loved by Kelsey. He didn't’t even know that he was tearing her life apart, which in turn was tearing his apart. He knew that Jason was going to be the death of her, and there was nothing he could to do except stand there and watch her fall. He glared at Jason and barked at him, "Why are you going to shoot yourself Jason? You have no right to."

  Jason looked at this man who had everything that he had ever wanted. Joe was tall, handsome, he had a loving father, a big house, hardly any family at all. Joe could have anything he ever wanted in life, and all he had do was ask for it. And if that wasn't’t enough, his father had to screw around with his mother. Of all the women in the town, why the hell did he pick his mother, his married mother.

"Well if you must know little miss rich bitch,  I unlike you have nothing." He spat that out at Joe.

  Joe laughed at the anger displayed by the man. He found it puzzling and humorous that Jason’s reason was so selfish. He spoke to Jason in a snooty voice,  "Yeah I am sure you don't. I may look like I have everything, but I am in this bad situation right now. Where this is the only way out." He  motioned his hand over to the cliff’s edge. He paused and thought for a moment. 

  Joe couldn't’t believe what he saw. His death wouldn't’t mean anything now. He came here so Kelsey could finally be happy. How was she supposed to be happy now? 

  He wasn't’t angry anymore. He was delusional. His mind was completely numb. He found it funny at how evil God was. He found it hilarious at how pathetic and meaningless his life was. His whole life had been dedicated 100% to God, and to doing the right thing. He spent his whole life believing that everything happens for a reason, that if you lived life good, then life or God, would be good back to you. But this, this was proof that neither of those statements were true. For the bible said God has a plan, and that God is good. However, if that were true, then he found himself asking what was the plan behind this? How was this a good plan? To make someone work their whole life to survive, to be a model citizen, only to let them die this way? And furthermore, Joe didn't’t believe he deserved this.

  "But you know what Jason, I don't see the point now. It's just MEANINGLESS FOR ANY REALITY TO EXIST THAT I LIVE IN IN WHICH WE ARE ALL CAT HAPPY."

 That struck a nerve on Jason. His anger boiled with in him. He said in a calm voice, a fact he had learned across his lifetime, “No one is ever going to be happy. Once we get what we want in life, we always want something bigger. You have everything. I don’t even know why you of all people could be so upset. You have a loving father, a nice house, you are good at everything you do. At least your family doesn't’t destroy each other. At least you don’t have to protect your mother constantly!” Jason wanted to scream the truth out, but for some unknown reason, it was lodged in his throat. 

  Jason thought to himself on anger about his mom. His mom and Joe'S dad. He realized there was a high possibility Joe didn't even know that his dad was the reason his family was falling apart. That if his dad wasn't fucking around with his mom, then his mom wouldn't be in hospital right now. He was amused by this. He suddenly was sinfully glad Joe was here. He knew that Joe didn't’t do anything wrong, and at his core, he was a good guy. However, he couldn't’t help but think of what Joe’s death would mean to his old man. 

  Yes perhaps if Joe was gone, the old man might kill himself before he is forced into a family he strongly did not want to be a part of. It wasn't’t that he loved his existing family. It was a longing for a whole family, of all his family members existing in peace with another. 

  Suddenly a calm and overpowering thought came to his mind. Simple, yet he hated any possibility of it actually happening. “What if…..” , his mind began. He shut it out before the pointless theoretical question could be asked. He forced his thoughts elsewhere. He turned to Joe and asked in a mocking tone, "You're killing yourself for some girl?"

  This angered Joe beyond comprehension. How dare he call her some girl. "SHE ISN'T SOME GIRL JASON, SHE MAYBE TO YOU, but she isn't TO ME. She has been there for me my entire life. I have been there for her, HER ENTIRE LIFE. She is my soul mate, my other piece. YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND!" He got up and stormed to the edge of the cliff. He ran up to the very edge but suddenly froze in his spot.

He looked down about 40ft and saw the end. He wanted to jump so badly but he just couldn't do it. He didn't have the courage yet.

  He screamed silently inside. He screamed and tore at his helplessness towards his life. He tried to muster up every feeling of sadness, rage, and hurt, he had ever had to give him the courage to jump. But he couldn't’t do it, and just stood with his legs locked into place on the edge. 

  Jason ran up to Joe. He looked at Joe’s twisted and contorted face and was utterly amused.He wondered how on Earth a girl could mean so much to a man. But perhaps that was an invalid thought, considering Jason didn't’t love people the way one should. He was a shallow man. Unlike Joe, whom had moral and reason, a face beneath the mask that he wore, Jason was the opposite. He didn't’t care about people in general, although it would appear he was a loving man. He wasn't’t affected by other people’s tragedies. Jason lacked the ability to care for other people, he lacked the ability to relate to one another, and to feel sympathy for one another. And furthermore, he made his life only be about him, and only rarely thought of any one else. So to him, the feelings exhibited by Joe, were all foreign, puzzling, and a wake up call that reminded him of his inability to love.

  He said to Joe more tenderly this time, “Is she really the reason you are here?. Just let go of her.”

 Joe thought deeply about the words Jason spoke. Deep down inside, there was no other reason he was her. He loved Kelsey so much that he would let her go.He was here to let her go be happy, and nothing more. Perhaps soul mates do exist. Perhaps one soul that you choose has another soul in mind. Maybe there are no such things as happy endings, maybe love is nothing more than a chemical reaction taking place in the brain. What if life was spinning madly, that are only point in life is to live, then to die? That relations, and who we are is nothing spiritual? Just the shadow of correction, though the events that we have lived though? And nothing in life has ever been absolute, that entire lifetimes could be changed by such a simple event. Such as driving a little slower  in the morning, or getting up late for work? What if that car didn't’t hit Joe? What if his mother died? Joe was asking questions, and considering the possibilities. He marveled at them. He marveled at how calculated and precise his life was in order for him to be standing where he was today. 

 If only he asked me the right question.

Joe thought about that for a moment."I would died," he said in a whisper, "had my father not kept on life support." He paused. Then he belted out the rest to the empty space below the cliff,"BUT GOD MADE ME LIVE!".

  Jason listened to Joe, and he was astounded that Joe was a religious man. 

He asked him in disbelief. He couldn't see a man like Joe answering to a book. He himself was an atheist. He had been one ever since he was a child. His reasoning behind his atheism was very much like Joe’s. He had witnessed his mother be beaten, his family be torn apart, and his own deformities plague his life. He didn't’t believe that there was any logical reason than could be explained by religion for his misfortunes. He asked Joe suddenly, “You are of god?”

 Joe ignored the question, instead he asked Jason, "How old are you?"

  "I am 17. How old are you?"

  "16, if you don't count the coma as being alive, but if you do then I am 17 1/2."

Jason found suddenly that the truth he wanted to tell, to scream at Joe wasn't’t lodged in his throat any more.He wanted Joe to know about how his father was making his family crumble. But he couldn't’t for some reason get it out. So he said to Joe in low and mocking tone, "How is your dad Joe? Where is he right now?"

  Joe didn't like the tone that existed in Jason's voice. He reluctantly answered, "He is at the hospital with some woman he is dating. Her husband beats her. I think her husband found out about the affair. My dad is moron. He shouldn't be screwing around with that sort of crap."

  Joe started to walk back to the burning bike. He was opening up inside. His inner walls were crumbling down. His mind was shutting down, and his mask of happiness that he wore was slipping off. He was becoming ever so calm and numb. He knew what he had to do. He had to finish the note, so he could get on with it. He knew what to write and he wrote it. The note was short and simple. It took him about five minutes to finish it.

  When he was done, he wrote at the bottom, “I love you Kelsey, please be happy. That's all I want now. And perhaps maybe I can give that to you.” He shoved it in his bag. 

  Joe knew that the second part of his task was going to much harder than writing the letter, and jumping combined.He hated this truth, this undeniable truth. His life would mean nothing to him if Jason killed himself. The truth tasted like vomit, but Jason must live. Otherwise, what was the meaning in anything? 

  He hated it, but he couldn't’t let him die. And he sighed in frustration. Why was so it so hard to to explain to someone all the reasons they should live? Perhaps it was because Joe was trying to convince himself all the reasons he himself should die. He sourly bit back and swallowed all the hatred he had for Jason by reminding himself of why he was here. Simply and plainly for her happiness. "Jason, I can't let you die. You need to live."

  Jason looked at Joe in bewilderment. He hated this. His whole life people had been telling him what to do. His whole life he had been treated like a doormat. To him, he felt that no one truly cared about him. "WHY, what does matter if I live or die? NO ONE CARES IF I EXIST OR NOT!!"

  Joe thought for a moment and then saw his opening, his chance.He knew that there had to be some solid reason he could use to get Jason to listen. He figured out that Jason actually did care underneath. He realized that Jason was a good man in the center. "Jason, life is really hard, I know. We have to do things in life that very well don't make sense, we see evil around us that shouldn't exist. You do have a right to be here. But if you are gone, who will protect your mother? Who will hold your family together? If your are gone, you are leaving behind a future that is much worse than the one that exists now. Is that what you want?"

Jason stood there processing what Joe said. Was he right? He thought to himself. In denial he tried to refute what Joe said, but Jason knew deep down inside, Joe couldn't’t have spoken more true. He didn't’t want to stay and be so exhausted all the time. However, he didn't’t want to leave his family to crumble. His logic for being at the Barnyard crumbled before. And with it, his mask fell, and he collapsed on the inside. In defeat he fell to the ground and began to sob, “I AM TOO TIRED TO THIS ANYMORE! I CAN’T HOLD THEM UP. All I do is invest every hour of my life into my family, but I can’t keep it together anymore! I just want to fall asleep. Just to close my eyes and never wake back up again.”

 And out came the truth to Jason's true reason, his actual right to be there. Joe looked at Jason on the ground, and suddenly felt bad for him. He felt quite the opposite about life. He felt that he spent his life rolling through it, without any meaning at all. He has never felt awake, or alive in his life. 

  Joe walked up to Jason. For some reason, he couldn't’t stand to see Jason hurt like that. Perhaps it was because he knew that Jason was really in a lot of pain. He grabbed Jason's shoulders and shook him. 

  At first Jason didn't’t look up, but when he did, the two men locked eyes. And for a moment, they were no longer men, they were innocent boys. Harmless, and defenseless at the hands of fate. And while staring into the eye’s of one another, they saw all the pain a man can bare. They saw all the misfortune bestowed upon them, and the outcome of it. 

  Joe suddenly spoke in a very soft whisper. “ I have dream, that life is a dream. That none of this real. I dream that this is a nightmare, that someday I will wake up from it all. That I will wake up and be 10 years old. “

 Jason thought about what Joe spoke. He saw for a moment, that Joe was in fact insane. He was insane to believe that nothing is real in life, that its all just a bad dream. However, he realized Joe wasn't’t talking about his coma. So softly he replied “I day dream of sleep. While the sun is out, I seek the shade I can never find. I want only to sleep. And though we all sleep even when awake, I often wonder which ones are actually at rest?” 

 Joe nodded his head. He got up off the ground and walked away from Jason. He very casually walked towards the edge of the cliff. His mind was gone, and his heart was numb. At that moment he truly believed it. He looked up the grey sky. He noticed off to the west the clouds broke, revealing a magnificent sun. He felt the cold wind on his cheeks. And suddenly he shouted back to Jason who was still on the ground, “ But this isn’t a dream, this is life. I will never wake up from this. You can choose to live in the dream, but I don’t want that. I want the truth.” He paused then looked back at Jason, “ Religion is a dream, meaning is a dream one dreams by in the city by the bay. But who are we to wake them from their slumber?” 

 Jason watched Joe wave at him. And dumbfounded he waved back. Then Joe turned back around and fell forward. 

  For a while he sat there, comprehending what just happened. He was in denial about it. He didn't’t believe it, nor did he want to. He stared blankly out at the cliff edge. He didn't’t bother looking down, because he was in too much shock. His mind went completely blank, and his body went entirely numb. 

  he felt himself get up and move to Joe’s bag that sat next to the burning bike. He opened and read the note on the inside left by Joe. It was evident to Jason that the note was Joe’s death note. He opened up and read every line of what was written. And he was horrified by what he saw. The girl that Joe loved so deeply was the girl Jason was dating.

  He became ungodly enraged. Not at Joe, or himself, but at me. He may of labeled himself as an atheist, most people do, but deep down inside, we all believe in something. He was so utterly enraged on the inside, his fire was burning through. He thought to himself why would GOD, do this? Why would he allow this to happen?

  With those thoughts tearing through his mind, he picked up the paper and wrote something on it, then threw it into the flame. 

  He took out the gun he had brought with him, and put it up to his heart, and inside something was trying to tell him, “What if?”.  But he pulled the trigger before that thought was finished.


  The fall didn't kill Joe. He was alive for another hour.  During his hour of laying crippled on the tracks, he heard two things. The first thing was gun going off. The second was a train.



  A day later in the paper headlines read "TRAGEDY STRIKES BARNYARD AGAIN WITH DOUBLE SUICIDE"

The events that followed this tragedy are perhaps more disturbing than the event itself.

A father mourning the loss of his son, lost his faith in god, and became a heavy drinker. He could not handle the pain of losing the two things that meant the most to him in the world. He lost his will to live and hung himself two years later after the death of his Joe. He carved in the wall before he died,


Kelsey was a weak person to begin with. She became a drug addict after losing the only man she ever really love in life. She fought her battle with drug abuse for nearly ten years before the drugs finally won. She overdosed. Ironically it wasn't Jason she loved most, but I already knew that .

Marisith, the mother of Jason, who had been hit so many times, finally had had enough. She blamed her husband for the death of Jason. So she took a shot gun and got her revenge by killing him. I forgave her.

The note was never found. But my more intricate account of these events, are far more detailed than what was, or wasn't found..


I dream that love comes silently 

I dream that it will rescue me

In our pool of tears that we weep

I dream that your soul is mine to keep.

And all the other lookers I see

They will never mean what you mean to me.

But I can hear it.

That soft faint whisper.

Your steady breathing, 

What shall we dream of while you sleep

Cherry trees lining sidewalks 

On the streets

Sleeping deep deep within the city 

Nothing in this world is without a price.

No choice ever made has been free.

I payed the price for you.

(By Joe)


I can hear it.

That continues beat. 

A soft whisper,

In the sea of blue.

A splash of color,

Made noise only for a moment.

Drowned and pounded into my ears.

The angry ocean, with the thunder clouds above. 

The continues beat,

A soft whisper,

One only hears in the dark.

Slowly the beat stutters,

Till suddenly it softly stops.

Followed by that sound,

We haven't heard in our whole life.


What was it for, to end the gentle whisper?

To fall deep into the sea?

What was wrong with living in a dream?

(By Jason)

  Joe’s dad stated that these events caused the death of me. However, I disagree. Lifetimes are changed by small pointless events. The world is spinning on madly. However, I made it that way. 

  You humans ask me so many questions throughout your lifetime. And every single one of them I have always answered. In no way have I ever been cruel. The events around you for the most are not my doing. They are yours. I can provide you with a solution to everyone's problems, always. You have eyes and a mind, there fore you are not blind to my answer. You choose not to listen. And in your hate you form your single worst opinion in life. You form a terrible belief that I am not real. That I am inhumane, and am not listing.

  Had Joe listened to me, he would of understood my reasoning to him being there. He was supposed to stop Jason. Jason was there to explain how he really felt about his girlfriend. In the end Joe would have stayed with Kelsey. Jason would of been saved by Joe's father's marriage to his mother. In the end it would of all worked out. If only, if only. 

  "What if" is a powerful question. It forces your mind to think about an extraordinary possibility, often sounding too good to be true. But sometimes even in your own logic, you refuse that possibility. But what if this is my strongest message to you? What if I am answering, but you aren't listening?

“what if... all works out, that this is my answer, and that you trust me?”

  That was the statement no one let me finish.

  I to you exist only in your heart and in your mind. And the moment you stop believing or trusting me, is the moment I stop existing. 

  This isn’t how a God dies, this is how I am murdered. 







© Copyright 2019 katelynbalowski. All rights reserved.

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