Fool's Monologue.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
Okay so I can't actually completely explain to HIM how I'm feeling, so I guess this is just the best way to vent :)

Submitted: May 10, 2011

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Submitted: May 10, 2011

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Everything changed. I didn’t want it to, but it did. It was out of my hands… and still is, even now. There’s nothing I can do about it, as much as I want to; as much as it kills me that I have to write this in the first place… But it can’t be helped. Circumstances changed, not us. Though maybe we changed too, who knows? I don’t think we’ll ever know. It can’t be helped. The big question is; WHY did it have to change? WHY did it happen when we were so close, so close to getting where we wanted to be? I don’t know. I don’t think you know either. But it changed, and not for the better. Maybe it’s better for you. I wouldn’t know. I don’t even want to know. I want you to be happy, more than anything else. It just hurts that your happiness doesn’t involve me. It hurts, more than anything else, to know that we were so close. I hate it, being apart from you, some sort of odd third wheel that she’s not quite aware about. But oh, if she knew… Truth is; I know things that could tear your relationship apart. That’s not a threat, and I don’t wish it to sound like one. But it’s true. The things you’ve said to me since being with her would make her hate you forever, accuse you of being a liar, a cheat. But I know that’s not true. She was just in the wrong place, at the wrong time. She was, and is the one thing standing in our way. That was nearly a year ago now, and you’re still with her. Yet you say you’ve always loved me, that you have feelings for me even now. What am I supposed to do? Do I wait around for you, knowing that the thing I want so badly might never happen? Do you expect me to just come crawling to you? Because you know I would. You mean that much to me. I get angry sometimes. Angry for past words that back then meant so much to me but so little to you. I honestly thought one day we’d be together, and it’d be us, and only us. But that day seems to be getting further away, fading into the distance, until it’s almost unrecognisable. I tell myself I’m over you, that I was stupid for ever falling for you. But I know that’s not true. Falling for you made so much sense before. If I don’t speak to you, my feelings fade, and I’m able to listen to songs reflecting my bitter mood, my frustration. Then I talk to you, and all those painful memories return, leaving me hurt and even more confused. It’s such a horrible situation to be in. I couldn’t just walk away and forget you, even if I wanted to. It’s just not possible for me. Because you tear my heart apart every single day, but for you, I put the pieces back together and love you with them all the same. Every word, every gesture, and every look I gave you, telling you it doesn’t matter was a lie. Because you’re everything to me, and I love you with everything I have.


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