This is going to be something short, and not very bright.
I’m not sure if I’m even doing this right.
It’s just, I’ve had the need to write out to you.
Speak to you.
I know you aren’t really there, and your voice is just a distant memory slowly fading away.
Dad,I know it sounds crazy, but I feel like I’m going crazy without your stability in my life.
Destruction consumes me, just like everything else seems to eventually do.
I’m writing to you because I think you should know what I’ve been up to.
I’m not your little girl.
I’m far from it, but even when I was young, I think you knew my innocence was slowly fleeing me.
It’s just, I feel guilty.
Real guilty, Dad, and I just know if you were present, if you were here, the guilt would vanish.
Even if I kept secrets from you Dad, it’d be much better if you were down here than rather up there watching.
I loved you a lot.
I just didn’t know it.
I didn’t feel it, then as I do now.
It’s strange waking up and not having a father.
You dribble away, like the rain slowing down.
You had big hands, tall frame.
I had your eyes.
Every other part of me is foreign and leaves no evidence of you.
I forget sometimes that I’ve ever had you.
I’ve let some awful characters into my life Dad, while you were gone.
I know you wouldn’t like them, maybe, even want to kick their asses once or a dozen times.
I know you’d be disappointed in the decisions I’ve made.
Smoking weed, sneaking out late at night.
It’s kind of crazy to think, that I was ever your daughter at one point.
I’m so sleazy, and useless at times.
Mom doesn’t know it all, and maybe, she’s in denial for the most part, but I know you know.
I know you see what I’ve came to be.
It hurts me a lot.
I feel stupid for the majority of my days.
Regretting each decision I’ve made without you.
It just sucks, you know?
Growing up feeling like you’re a clone of someone you absolutely know you’d loath if you could rewind, go into the past, and return to the former you.
How she’d feel seeing you do all those dumb, pointless, things.
I hope you forgive me Dad.
I want you to love me still.
Even if you are nothing but a speck of dust.
Unable to think or see.
Maybe, this is all a dream.
I’ll wake up and find you sitting in your chair, watching Discovery, or playing a video game, going for a jog, kissing Mom.
I just miss you.
It’s strange, I was a mama’s girl through and through.
Yet, see, the moment you left Dad, she really started to hate me.
Inevitable, I was hard to handle, you couldn’t put a leash on this free spirit, but this free spirit was born to crash, burn, never seeming to learn.
Rachel grows and prospers, she’s the daughter, Jack the son.
I’m just the mutated thing you and Mom created, and failed at.
It’s late, and I know I’m being too hard on myself, yet, my indecisive behavior cannot really decide if I am or not.
I am unlovable.
The good men I overlook, the assholes I greet with open arms, just to be wronged by them over and over again.
Please don’t hate me, you’re the last one to be determined, the last to disappoint.
When I was small, easy to carry, you made my childhood wonderful, you and Mom.
I witnessed love.
When you left, the loving memories I kept dear, seemed to disappear.
I just want to go back.
Take me back.
Leave me there.
That’s what I’ll be.
I’ll stay frozen with you.
© Copyright 2016 Kathleen Megquier. All rights reserved.
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