She’s left me a message, she’s ranting about how I don’t give a damn about her, and I’m just like her previous lovers. I remember being so infatuated with her. That might have been the problem. She helped me erase the pain that I was so vigorously attempting to scrap off the top of my brain. She was so young and vibrant. I wanted to keep it all to myself, but She wouldn’t hold still for me to drink her all in. Now She’s pissed, I know I can slither around it, I always have before, it's been two months of bliss with Her, but our walls are slowly crumbling down around us.
I sent Gloria a instant message today, god, I get so god damn distracted, working on reports and essays should be the total bulk of my load, but no, I need more to complete myself. Women have always given me that total completion, I like how they depend on me, need my presence to feel worthy of even existing themselves. Gloria is a weak individual, so daft, and easy to manipulate, I got instantly bored with her originally in a month’s time. That’s when I found Her. This girl with so much to give, but so little did she actually have to hand out.
Honestly, I think She was just trying to hold on to herself, to prevent from blowing away. I did try to hold on to Her. Yet, subconsciously, I really do think she was pushing me away all along. Then, Gloria came slinking back, Gloria finally persuaded her parents into getting her a cell phone, another reason why I strayed from our former ’monogamy’ in the past. Who the hell was I gonna text during the day? That’s why when She and I got deeper and deeper into each other, the fact that She had mobile texting, made her even more appealing. Shallow things like that are a make or break factor in my future, or existing relationships.
I can’t really even recall a time that I didn’t have a relationship, or I wasn’t indulging in something wet. I guess, maybe, I need them as much as they need me. Maybe, that’s why She didn’t work. Though, She was mentally crumbling, She’d rather crumble alone than together. As if She didn’t want you to touch what was already broken, She let me touch other things though. Gah, do I actually miss this bitch? She insulted me heavily the last time we spoke on the phone, and besides I have Gloria too now. Gloria’s even contemplating if she’ll go all the way the next time we are alone together. Though, I have to listen to her gab about high school drama, and her girlish insecurities, some I even plantedin hermyself, but at least I get to feel her up after, right? Gloria thinks that I’m finished with Her, to think that the two ofthem were actually friends is astonishing. Polar opposites at best. She needs so much mental build up, Gloria just needs someone to reassure that she's physically desirable. The funny part with the entire thing is that they both think the other is stalking me, and that they are the true one that has the key to my...well, something important.
I don’t know, I guess where it all started, the reason why I’m jumping back and forth from Gloria to Her, is because, well, I miss my real relationship with Becky, the one that actually floated and didn’t automatically sink, well, until I eventually poked holes in it, but I thought I learned from it, ah, who am I kidding, do I ever learn? Girls, there will always be girls for me, I mean, I know what to say, I’m cute enough, smart enough, follow the storybook ending by each cue, and astound the girl(s) I’m currently with, with the methods I picked up from it all. Besides, Gloria will be waiting to be able to come crawlingback to me until the bitter end.
Yet, I get bored, just like this essay starring me in the face this very moment, I can’t seem to pull all my attention together and focus. Though, I know I need to get it done, know it’s ether that or a big, fat “F” for the semester, I’d rather do other little things instead from preventing me to finish, like text Gloria, beg her to picture message me her breasts. I guess, it goes the same way with the women I date, well, girls I date.
Though, I dipped into a little something with a med student a couple years ahead of me, I’ve never really left the high school gates when it came to my dating life. Facebook has helped a ton for wrangling up the fresh meat, but even when I was in high school myself, I did always obtain the girls a grade or two below me, like Becky, she was so gullible, and completely devoted to me, unlike Her.
I had to beg Her to give me back massages, and then there was always the very necessity of oral. I know Gloria’s mouth is popped open wide and willing. Still. There was something interesting about Her specifically. I mean, something different, something that is missing from Gloria, and even Becky. She felt things a little too much, even when I kissed her, I could feel her entire core heat up and the light of her eyes simultaneously. God, I need to call Gloria the moment I get home, it should be the antidote I need. Something that can refresh itself and pretend to be new again with me. She remembers too much, and holds on to too many things I did wrong to Her. Even Becky held out longer than Her, before totally shutting down on me emotionally, and I got that girl a promise ring. I'm not all too good with keeping my promises, but I do like the idea of one, and the fathom of it being kept.
I need to just quit my bitching, and text something sexy to Gloria, so that picture message is right in the inbox when I ditch this library. Something to beat off to later, if I can ever get this fucking paper done, I’d hate to be at the school too late, Mom’s probably cooking something good tonight. See, maybe, that’s what it was with Her, she never cooked. I mean, if anything my oatmeal microwaving skills would probably end up feeding the both of us, unless I whipped out my wallet and took the girl out. Still, that seems too shallow. I mean, there had to be something else to completely set me off from her. She didn’t give a whole lot of oral, I remember that much, and even that seems too flimsily, She did always put out, no matter how pissed off I made her. Yet, I knew I didn’t have all of her, She was keeping part of herself away from us, only letting out a certain part of her for me to feast on, which commonly was her body on most days.
When she cried though, rarely, or maybe it was all the time, because she could never really contain it all inside her face. I felt bad, like any other person would for another, but I didn’t want to put her in my arms until she stopped, I truly do believe She was waiting for a different set of arms to do that for her. Anyway, Gloria says that she’s going to be able to go out tomorrow night. This should excite me, and I really think I’m ready to start overagain with her, maybe, her presence won’t totally detest me this time around. Besides, anything is better than the constant battle with Her. I remember the last time I held Her. She was fragile, and far off somewhere, She didn’t want to do it that day, She said it’d ruin us somehow, though, I think we were wrecked already. Somehow I got my way though.
That could be why I grew so cold from Her. She was so easy to enter and so easy to exit, and she never wanted to fight for me, she just wanted to fight with me. Make me listen, make me understand, but I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to understand, or listen, just wanted her to forget with me. Yet, Her ghosts caught up with her in the end, and I needed to find something lively again, hence Gloria. I think I’ll delete Her number tonight.
© Copyright 2016 Kathleen Megquier. All rights reserved.