I can hardly breathe. The walls are coming at me. The floor rising up. The ceiling crashing down. How could I let this happen to me? I was so well off. Completely content with my being. Well, not fully, but enough so, I’d know I wouldn’t crack anymore than I already seemed to. Seeing everyone with a big, fake, smile plastered on their faces is making me sick, but not as sick as the smile I’m returning back. I don’t want to function. Shut me off. SHUT ME OFF! The angry feelingboiling up inside me is burning my insides and is surfacing on the outside as well.
Trapped and convicted. That’s what I am. Mother’s disapproving eyes waiting for me to slip. Collapse. Relapse. I can’t breathe. Maybe, if I just stop, it’ll all go away. I feel like we covered this? Ugh, if only I could form the proper means to communicate. The rips on my legs. Nothing. What would it do? Nothing. Bruises and marks have been my forte, then he left. I became unable to even scratch myself without feeling a wave of guilt. How disgusted he’d be if he even witnessed the trickle of blood down my ankle. When he undressed me, how disgusted his face would turn. I hate him. More than I hate myself. He’s destroyed any type of piece I’ve found inside my brain.
If only I could just run, but where to? She knows everywhere I go, sees everything I see. Spies lurk everywhere. This small town is oh so small. People know me, wait for my actions, for me to speak. I want to end it. I haven’t eaten in a day or two, and knowing the gurgle in my stomach, reminds me that I can still feel something physical. Is it bad that I want to murder him. Slice his wrists. Have him bleed out. Watch the pain escape his eyes. Now he’ll know. He’ll know what he causes. The scars he leaves. I want him to bleed.
This is crazy. I’m going insane. When have I ever been this violent. I’m scaring myself. I need to step back and look at the big picture. Yet, there is no big picture. Only little, small ones. Us kissing, us missing the point of each other’s needs. Or maybe, it’s just me? I overlooked everything, because I didn’t want to become trapped, captive to his will. He got me anyway. Damn. My mind is twirling, swirling in little strides. Why doesn’t anyone want me? I’m pretty, aren’t I? No. If the filth finds me of no use, why would the clean want to spend time with the likes of me? I’m dirt. Tainted, wasted. I hate them.
If I could just tie them together. Side by side, and see the identical traits first hand. One tall. One short. One brown haired, other blonde. Clear face. Crusty face. Facial hair, flesh whiskers. Dig deeper. Manipulative. Hurting me, always. Regretting the thought of each one. Bastards. Outer exterior polar opposite. What lays inside, is just the same. Exactly. Narrowed down perfectly. Why hadn’t I seen it before? Stupid. Drugs. I need drugs. Something to ease this pain, this remorse.
If I could just inhale it, sniff it, breathe it all in. Take me to a better place. A worthier place. Something of my type of worth. Quick and fast. That’s me. Drifting into sleep. That could be an option worth taking into account. Let me see. Take me back to the girl I use to be. Who was she?
She had to be someone. Lashes long, eyes your deepest kind of blue, thick hair, nice to brush. Pure skin. Freckles lightly sprinkled across her nose. She was beautiful. Sweet and pure. I want her back. Instead of this rotting thing, this moving, decaying, thing. She loved. Or maybe, she didn’t. This little beauty couldn’t fathom the idea. She was born unlovable. Something dead already rested inside her, it couldn’t be seen until she released it out in the open. Could I be evil? I think I might. More evil than I ever could have been before. I just want to be touched, but to touch would only equal flames.
I’d burn up, I’m for certain. Resentment building up inside me. You’re just like him! Exactly like him. I hate you, want to hurt you. Something sharp, and shiny, brushing against your deceitful lies. I’ll find you out soon enough. Boiling, waiting, temptation. I want to fuck up again. Just have another moment. Something to forget the moment before. I can’t stand the thought of you anymore. I want to escape it. You lied. Why? I mean, really? Her? The one that was suppose to be my silly, twit, friend? Why does intelligence frighten you so? Because it’s like me? Not agreeing with your statements fully. You’re pathetic, but not just that. You live in your fantasy land, while I’m left to fend in the real world.
Can I just punch you? Hard, letting something dribble down your face. A forced tear? Anything to make you feel me. I want you to feel me. If you don’t feel me soon, I’ll burst. Burst into little bits of colored confetti. I want to zip your mouth shut. Don’t you dare tell her what we did, what I said. I’ll come after you. Hurt you more than you can imagine. I’ll make the pain become embedded in your brain, so, you’ll know better than to fuck with someone like me again.
Cry, cry, you damn thing. You’re so emotionless. You hide everything so well, and I’m just a fountain of confession. I want to scream at you, make your ears shatter, so, you can never hear my pathetic cries. I want you back. I want the destruction to come back into my life, I don’t want to be left alone with the silence. You’ll kill me, that’s for certain, but I want to feel the pain, I want to know the passion, I want to swim in the reveries of you caring for me. You piece of shit.
I am fearful to return to square one. Someone new? Is that even possible? Mother knows my worth, she can explain to any man who asks. She’ll describe an uncontrollable being, someone who wants to make you bleed out, shriek out. I am inevitably hard to please, pleasing you is the last thing on my agenda. I want you to beg. You do. I give in. I give you it all. Every piece. You have it, what do you do? Throw it away. Bastard. Again. Can I just quit? Is there a check out line I can stand in? Grab my possessions and flee. If it was that easy, I would. Money is of the importance. It’s what makes the world go round. If only I could go round with it. What’s so special about her anyway? Oh right. She’s sane. At least in appearance. Normal. Simplicity greets her daily. Complexity consumes me fully. Can we trade places?
Damn. Well, worth a shot. You were the worst shot I’d ever received. Something sharp, resembling a literal needle. You kill me. Perish in a world of lost hope, and insanity. I cannot be left alone inside my brain. I squirm under your microscope. Poking and prodding, I’m impossible to define. Why can’t it just be easy, free, simple. Run. Get out of here, don’t look back, the washed away faces will only become a dream in time. Mother goodbye, sister farewell, brother so long. I’m away. No one knows the body that is me. No one remembers the invisible scars it wears. No one sees, no one cares. Perfect.
I’ll be in a new home soon. Furnish it up with new memories. Things will be better. No more mistakes, new scenery. I could be a born again virgin, find a religion. Things will turn out straight. I’ll make sure of it. Flashback. How’d you find me so fast? Damn, damn, damn. Damn it all. Fuck these walls. Time to go.
Oh, where will I run to now. Lost in a crowd. I know it won’t be long till I find leisure somewhere. I feel my face melting off. My features growing weary. My eyes growing dreary. Oh my. Fuck. How did this happen? I’m wasting away, in a circle of dust. Circling it over, and over, until I resemble the little flurries in the wind. I feel at peace. I found hope, here, in this place. No more lies, no more tries. Everything is at rest. I can sleep. Dream of something new. Something different to put my mind at ease.
© Copyright 2016 Kathleen Megquier. All rights reserved.