I have to keep myself away from you, prevent myself from becoming abused, misused.
Losing myself would be too easy.
Falling into your tight grasp would take only one phone call.
Dial that number.
Punch in that number.
I hear your voice.
Your bored, unwanted, voice.
I don’t want to hear that voice.
I don’t want to have to feel the yearning, soak in the deceit you leave me with.
Paranoia has become my friend.
My best friend.
She comes to me when you’re not around.
She pushes me down.
On to the bed.
To sit and dread.
Losing my head.
Go back to a time when being free was simple, easy to mange. Thoughts were clear and vivid. Thoughts that contained more than just you. Lost memories, wasted feelings. I want to be done. But the grieving of you won’t allow it. You think I’d be a pro, be able to teach how to grieve and leave. But I can’t. I’ve never left this spot. This spot where he left me to go. I knew he wanted to come back, see my face again. Raise my hopes and dreams in the garden of his love. But he’s gone. I find you. You won’t do. You hurt me. Cause me pain. Make me go in vain of my morals, my value, my love. I just want you to go from my brain. Erase the pain. Get away from you. Scream, yell, shout, pout. You’re gone. You are gone. I just haven’t left the spot. The spot where you left me.
Various places, simplicity in everyone’s faces. I want to shrill out the words. The words you won’t say, the words you inevitably deny. I gave you too much. Reveries of better places, away from drowned out faces. I’m into what you seek. The final peak, I have reached, contentment draws near, I just need to get rid of the fears of leaving you. You are simple, dressed down, individuality escapes you. The color splashes from my eyes. I need to undo these strings. Release the inner me, into the deep seas of opportunity, I am ready now. Forth come the new me. Inside she spins and swirls beauty, mental and physical, she shines on all, she will never let herself fall, if she falls again, she will see the same drones, the same lone places she use to go. Never be alone, in that place of pity and deceit. She will have trust and value, and soak up the purity of her new found self.
© Copyright 2016 Kathleen Megquier. All rights reserved.
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