be still and know that i am God
Monday, July 09, 2007
i get it, i really do. i have grown and changed and evolved because of all this and i love it. i can feel it this time in the very depths of my soul. i know where i have traveled, how far i have come, and for once in my life i know that where i am headed is the very place i am supposed to be. i learned so much from all of this and there is no question in my mind about this situation having purpose.
oddly enough, i feel better having talked to victor. he made me realize that my transformaiton is complete. i shouldn't be out there, in the world, forcing things that won't work or move or become something wonderful. they have to be wonderful to start. i understand now and am complacent in wearing my true love waits ring and not being hypocritical about it. i am happy in waiting. it took me a long time to come to this point. even this week i've been working towards it. i've seen handsome guys on the beach every day and it has been such a struggle for me not to persue them (whether directly or indirectly). i've been watching out the window waiting for the man of my dreams to walk down the street. i've been sitting on the front porch just being impatient about him appearing, recognizing me as the girl of his dreams, and acting upon this amazing love at first sight.
it was funny actually, when earlier last week, a really attractive guy rode his bike down to the beach, going right past me. i threw out my best smile, fixing my hair, but then caught myself. what are you doing? i asked myself. love doesn't just happen at the beach in july because you're single. love doesn't slip through your fingers because you weren't dilligently watching every person with potential. hell, darling, don't you know? love doesn't own a bike. and i thought, you're right, i mean- i'm right. love will come when it's ready, not when it's most convient for me. i won't miss out on it because i'm not keeping this vigil or giving out chances to any guys who seems remotely interested. just because it's young and male doesn't mean it's going to fit. there are plenty of opportunities for me on this island- jed, the lifegaurd, various guys and their friends- but if it's meant to be, it'll happen. if it's not, then it's for a reason; it's because something really amazing is just out there waiting.
it's a different kind of waiting though. it's not a waiting where i have to be active and searching and putting a classified ad in the paper. it's one where i just need to pray for my future husband and our purity and simply let God do the match-making. i think it's easier to accept the back seat when you're as cynical as i've become, but maybe those reservations and hesitations have their reasons too.
i could have taken victor up on some of his offers, maybe even tried to enjoy myself, indulge, but i found myself asking, why? why in the world would i waste my time giving him a second chance after he screwed me over? he wasn't good enough for me the first time around, why is this suddenly different? because i'm single, on the rebound, and looking for an excuse to let out a little lust? victor doesn't deserve that and i should expect so much more from myself. all in all, it felt good saying no. it felt good because it was right- the right thing to do, the best thing for me, and it showed me that i have finally become the person i wanted to get back to. after logan dumped me, i did it all wrong. i went into self-destruct mode and messed myself up so bad i felt like i lost sight of the innocent and pure girl i knew i could be. if i did it all over again the same way, what would i have learned from my mistakes and regrets? i didn't want all that pain to have been in vain. this time, i promised myself, it will be different.
i am keeping that promise if it kills me. i will not lose sight of this. i will not.
i want to just sit back and enjoy being single and love matt as much as he'll let me and logan and even victor too. as for the guys to come... i won't give away my heart freely anymore (i've learned the hard way about that too). they will resepect me and earn my trust and love. they will dazzle me and treat me like the daughter of a king, because that is what i am. i won't waste my time on guys like victor. i'll wait as long as it takes for something that's worth it. i realize that it probably will be a while, maybe not even for a couple years, but i'm going to wait because i don't need another hurt i can avoid and i don't need another hook-up or summer fling or two-week relationship.
i think i love this transformation. i loved just laying on the beach and listening to the waves break. not worrying about homework or papers or babysitting or cooking dinner or boys or the meaning of life. i loved just laying there and being. just being. and letting myself be.
i love who i am, finally.
i feel like the person that i have come to be- after all the circles and mistakes and trials and errors and experiences and starting lines and finishes and teachers and friends and quiet nights crying alone and parties with bad music and sitting under big blue skies staring out at vast oceans and feeling small and all the shooting stars and wishes and prayers and tears concerning the person i was and wasn't- is exacly the person i need to be right now. i am delighted by my perspective and wisdom and i appreciate all the scars and bruises that remind me. if you fake it long enough, you'll wake up one day and become it. i feel like i have, finally, after all this time, become.
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