Burifa Sherifa Latifa Hawlrifa Jackson and the Evil Mall Stranger!

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
When Burifa Sherifa Latifa Hawlrifa woke up that morning, she knew trouble was in the air. For the first time in her 22 year old life, she was about to get threatened. That was NOT okay. To Burifa, anyone who is anyone is a threat. And she fixes her own problems.

Submitted: July 18, 2011

A A A | A A A

Submitted: July 18, 2011



Burifa Sherifa Latifa Hawlrifa Jackson and the Evil Mall Stranger!

Burifa Sherifa Latifa Hawlrifa Jackson woke up that morning with an aching back. Man, this mattress strore sucked! They promised tempurpedic beds, not boards! But she'd deal with them later, because today she's going serious shopping. Winter is coming and the mall is air conditioned all year. Jumping off the bed, she popped her back a few times, and looked around. Everybody in the store was staring at her.

"What y'all lookin at? Can't a woman get some privacy no mo'? Y'all bogus!" She screamed at the people.

"Ma'am, it's not that. We found you asleep when we opened the store this morning," said the store manager. He's short, nerdy, has huge glasses, and talked like a little girl.

"And...? Is that a problem, SIR?!" Burifa was towering over him with her look. Burifa is 5'9", 222lbs, black, angry, and extremely poor. You see, she's been living in the mall for the past two years, ever since her baby mama kicked her out for violence on the landlords. Remembering that made her even more angry at the manager because he was some punk loser too.

"Uh... Ma'am, we can let this one slide," said the manager backing down looking quite frightened.

"That's what I THOUGHT! Now move out the way!" She pushed through the crowd in the mall until she found what she was looking for: 'Big People, Little World'. Everything she owned was stolen from that store.

"Burifa, how uh, nice to see you," said the store owner who was also the designer.

"Ya, I know. Now, I want that red sparkly sweater hangin' over there by that-" She cut off. Standing next to her sweater was some guy looking at the prices, even though it was hers. "That dude best go and find another sweater cuz I'm 'bout ready to cut him."

"Burifa, that's not your size! We keep your size in the back, remember? Now, please don't scare off our customers like last time," Miles the store owner told her. He was sick of all her '"It's mine!" or "Move, I call't dat!" or his personal favorite "Slow. Can't chu' read? Yo' poor lookin' self ain't about to afford that!"'

"Pshh, they start it." Burifa told Miles defensively. She walked up to the strange man by her sweater while Miles went to go get her sweater from the back. "What you lookin' at that sweater fo'? You gay or somethin'?" Burifa asked him. That was a ladies sweater he was looking at, she didn't need no man wearing the same clothes as her.

"Oh, uh, I'm just looking for my obese canibal girlfriend," he told her with a shrill laugh at the end.

"Puh-lease, who would want to go out wit-" Miles cut in saying "Burifa, here you go." He handed her the XXXL sweater. The strange man saw the lable size and giggled to himself.

"This ain't what I wanted! I said that blue buttoned sweater, not this ugly red he's lookin' at!" Burifa gestured toward the man who turned away a slight shade of pink. "But...-" "AHH AHH AHH" "But you said-" "AHH AHH AHH!" Everytime Miles tried to talk Burifa would cut in with her highly obnoxious AHH's so he would have to stop talking to plug his ears. "No. It's not. Now go and help your annoyed cu-sto-mer." She emphasized each syllable so hopefully he would get the point that she's the one in charge here. Finally, she turned back to the man. "Now, where was I?" She asked recalling their last words together.

"I've gotta go. Buh-bye now," he told her with a smirk and strode out of the store. Burifa stood there, astounded at the very way she was just talked to. NOBODY speaks to Burifa Sherifa Latifa Hawlrifa Jackson that way. If she saw him again, he was going down.

"Uh Burifa, I've already rang the two sweaters up. I figured you'd want them both." Really Miles just didn't want to deal with another round of Burifa's hollering at him. "Do you have money today or shall I go ahead and pay for you?"

"Here's yo' money!" She threw a dollar fifty at his face, grabbed her clothes, and ran out of the store. "God bless her soul... Please don't kill anyone today." Miles muttered to himself staring after her.

Once out of the store, Burifa ran straight towards the food court. She hasn't eaten anything at all in the past twelve hours, and now she was starting to regret it. Stopping by the pizza place to bribe De'onte to hook her up was her absolute favorite. "I give it to you this once Burifa, but don't keep expectin' it everyday," De'onte handed her one piece of pizza and a diet coke.

"Diet? Diet? Oh, so you think I'm fat now huh? NO De'onte, if you think why don't you just say it to my face? Go on, say it De'onte, I dare you too. Say it, see what happens."

"Fine. Have a regular." He traded with her and went back to work. Burifa was always pushing him around and he was sick of it! But to stand up to Burifa Sherifa Latifa Hawlrifa Jackson? That could be even worse...

An hour later Burifa was standing behind the fountain at the mall entrance jumping out at little kids, old men and women, and the handicapped. This was a hobby of hers as she liked to watch the little kids cry, the old ladies start to yell, the old men have a heart attack, and the handicapped either fall in the fountain or just fall and can't get back up.

"BOO!" She jumped out infront of a blind man with his seeing eye dog. The dog went crazy and the blind man tripped over Burifa's stuck out foot and fell head first into the 2ft deep fountain. Burifa rolled and rolled with laughter.

Then, suddenly, someone caught her eye. It was the stranger from the store who almost bought her sweater! NO! "UGH!" With a grunt, she got up off the ground and chased after him. Luckily, he had no idea Burifa was around and was keeping to himself. Right in front of the whole mall to see, she crashed into him and they both flew to the ground with her on top of him. "Now you followin' me punk?!" She screamed in his face.

"Get offa me! " He struggled to say this from her immense weight spread across his entire chest. Finally, he managed to squeeze out from under her and take off. It took Burifa a moment to notice this from all the jelly rolls that made up her stomach blocking her view. She caught her breath and loooked around. Her coach knock-off purse was gone!

"Man, I knew he was up to somethin' when I saw him. Makin' me run like this, who he think he is?" Muttering to herself she got up and followed his scent. Burifa had super smell becuase she was always super hungry. "Move! Excuse you, oh and you!" Burifa was hustlen' and pustlen' through the mall chasing after the evil stranger who had stolen her purse. While she running she couldn't miss the opportunity to slam people into others, walls, and of course, little children. Realizing that he was headed for the exit, she hollered "I'ma get you now!" at him and did her super jump. She landed on his head.

"Hey! You two! Stop that right now!" screamed a distant voice. Burifa didn't care though, she had a job to do and that was to knock some bloody sense into punk ass.

"I said right NOW!" the voice screamed in her ear as she was throwing the the fifth punch to his disgustedly, bloody, broken nose.

"Aw hell naw man," she thought. Standing up she looked at the mall cop. Tall, skinny, and weird looking. Thecop smiled at her. "Excuse you, but I was beatin' some sense into this punk who try and steal my purse. So I dunno who you are to tell me this ain't my fight. Now move out the way so I can continue my business."

"I can't let you do that ma'am, we're going to have to escort the both of you. Him for attempted theft and you for violence, blackmail, twisted thinking, and theft." The mall cop told her matter-of-factly. Burifa then felt handcuffs being put onto her wrists.

"No! I ain't goin' down without a fight! I want my law-yer!" screaming, she flung herself to the ground and started kicking, biting, scratching anyone who came near enough. By standers were shouting comments on the horrific scene.

"This mo-fo crazy! AHHA look at her go!" and "She a hot-mess! This is some Jerry Springer shit!"

At this point, by standers were shoving and pushing to get a better look at Burifa. "RAPE! He try and touch me! RAPE!" By now Burifa was trying anything to get someone to help her instead of standing around laughing at her or screaming for more help. Realizing that she was by herself on this one, she pulled out her bright orange and black weave and starting using it as a whip.

Finally, in the end, they had to call the police so they could taser her and put her into a rabid animal cage. People were crying over the fact that Burifa would be gone. No more pushings, blackmails, stolen things, and just plain Burifa Sherifa Latifa Hawlrifa Jackson being gone.

"Don't worry about me! I be back! You watch, I beat 'em all once I get mah law-yer! That's all I need. Just a law-yer." Burifa had awaken from the tasers and was now yelling her goodbyes to her beloved 'fans', as she saw them. "I swear to GOD I be back too!"

Once in the animal control truck, they took Burifa to the county jail to await her trial. And that was the end of Burifa Sherifa Latifa Hawlrifa Jackson. For now...

© Copyright 2020 Katie Romine. All rights reserved.

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