Hero Twins

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
My entry (on time WOOT!)for jsmf08's Travel Challenge. My place: Xibalba the Maya Underworld, object: paper, quote:... well you'll see it.

*A caution: No feelings shall be hurt with the reading of this story. It’s pretty stupid. The Maya (as with all people) have a unique and fascinating history, check if you don’t believe me. It is not my intention to trash their beliefs or culture. Instead, this is just a playful retelling of the classic Mayan myth in which two brothers outwit the Gods of Xibalba (Hell). It is also known as the story of the Hero Twins, and is the Second book of the Popol Vuh. I tried to be as accurate as possible. Sorry for those offended by my political asides. You have been warned!

Submitted: March 04, 2009

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Submitted: March 04, 2009

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“What a lovely day for a sacrifice,” thought the priest. It was indeed. Everything was in place for the ceremony, and Kinich Ahau (the Sun) was gleaming proudly overhead. It was to be a simple Heart Sacrifice, the most common and beloved of the rituals.

Gradually, a crowd gathered around the local pyramids, where the sacrifice would take place. Once he deemed that there was sufficient attendance, Quanah began the festivities.

He proclaimed to the heavens, “All the pictures and pain are left behind in death. In death there is a new beginning! For in death there is life and in life: death!”

With that, he stabbed the victim and pulled out his still beating heart. He then passed it on to other high priests, who smeared the blood all over their bodies. It was rad.

Then with a grunt, he kicked the dead body down the side of the pyramid, where it landed with a thud at the bottom. The crowd shouted at the sky and danced around the body. The priests dashed fearsomely down after him. Then they dismembered, skinned, and devoured the victim, as the audience roared in approval.

Needless to say, the sacrifice was a smashing success. So naturally everyone in the village (except the victim) was in a merry mood. As the day went on, a rousing game of tlachtli began.

Now tlachtli was a very manly game. It was an ancient combination of golf, hockey, and homicide. One didn’t so much win, as survive. But nevertheless it remained a favorite pastime for the perennially bored Mayans, and two pugilists…er…athletes were immediately noted as the best. These two men were Hunhun-Apu and Vukub-Hunapu.

Unfortunately during the course of the game, they migrated a wee bit too close to the realm of Xibalba. The lords of Xibalba Hun-Came (George Soros) and Vukub-Came (Al Gore) had seen the sacrifice that morning, and were in the mood for one of their own. So, the two lords challenged Hunhun-Apu and Vukub-Hunapu to a game of tlachtli.

“Pssst!” Hissed Al Gore.

Hunhun-Apu looked around in all directions like an idiot, his machete drawn.

“I’m over here in this dark, forbidding cave of evilness you tardface!”

Hunhun-Apu turned in yet another wrong direction, when George Soros interrupted his hopeless search.

“Yo, noob! Yeah, you with the face. You can play ball pretty okay against humans, but how about you and that butt pirate over there play a game against us? We are sooo gonna own you tools!”

Hunhun-Apu became furious, as there is nothing a Mayan detests more than attacks on his manliness, but he remained unable to locate the cave. Instead, Vukub-Hunapu taunted back, “Oh it is sooo on. We’re gonna kick your asses so hard you’ll taste our feet!”

Hunhun-Apu laughed stupidly. (Shocker.)

And with that, Al Gore and George Soros transported the jocks to the bowels of Xibalba where they failed epically.

The pair was slaughtered, and their dead bodies were cleared of all blood and organs, stuffed with paper, and hung in a tree like pathetic Christmas ornaments. Au Puch (Satan) was proud.

No one really noticed the skeletons since they were a routine part of the dor in Xibalba. But Satan still told his daughter, the princess Xquiq (translation: Blood) that she was forbidden to go near the tree.

One day Blood was gathering fruit for supper when she absentmindedly reached into the tree where the bodies were hanging. Hunhun-Apu spat on her palm, hoping to gross her out and be annoying, but instead she became pregnant.

“BOO-YAH!” He shouted.

Blood hid away so that her father would not become angry with her, and she gave birth to the two boys: Hun-Apu and Xbalanque. Satan found out about it and became very upset.

“Blood, what the here!” He roared. (Cause they're in hell already, get it?) He immediately vowed to kill them.

Unfortunately for Satan, the boys were very tenacious and thwarted many of his thinly veiled attempts to kill them. (These exploits include an incredibly unexciting tale about why deer and rabbits don’t have tails, and the time they turned their (literally) demonic brothers into monkeys.)

In fury, Satan commanded the boys to embark on the same quest that killed their fathers before. They passed by the river of blood, and the first obstacle unscathed with the help of a Xan and Hun-Apu’s leg hair. (Your gonna have to look that one up yourself; it’s all on the website.)

They also manage to not sit on the thrones of lava rock, unlike their predecessors.

So Satanwas understandably angry. He then forced them to endure the Houses of Ordeals. The boys passed throughthem allunharmedexceptfor the House of Bats. In the House of Bats Camazotz (Batman!—not really, the Lord of Bats) descended upon them and decapitated Hun-Apu. With the help of a passing turtle, a new head was formed for Hun-Apu however, and the duo continued on.

Satan adopted the disposition of an irate toddler, but made no attempt to intervene. So the boys were forced to get creative. They noticed two good sorcerers had randomly appeared, and they enlisted their help. First Hun-Apu and Xbalanque arranged for their own resurrection. It worked. Then they destroyed the royal palace in Xibalba, which restored itself. After that they resurrect Satan’s dog for some reason. (*Shrugs*)

The Lords of Hell, George Soros and Al Gore, were soon quite intimidated by the children and their magical allies, but they were curious too.

“So this death thing,” they asked, “does it feel weird?” “What’s it like?”

“Would you like to find out?” Replied the boys mischievously.

Eventually their curiosity got the best of them, and they agreed. Hun-Apu and Xbalanque killed them and nobody really missed them. Satan and the Princes of Hell were dejected though. The boys banned them from playing the noble, and manly ballgame. And so the students become the masters. And for some reason Hunhun-Apu and Vukub-Hunapu become the sun and moon.

So there you have it. Irony counts as dark humor. They were banned from the sport they used to trick humans into hell with in the first place, by humans descended from those they coaxed in. Pretty ironic if you ask me. (Hey, you never said it had to be intelligent dark humor.) If you want the actual/interesting story it’s here: http://www.sacred-texts.com/nam/mmp/mmp4.htm.


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