--Apart of You
The cool breeze caressed her smooth untouched pale skin as Kate stepped into the outside world. Her deep blue eyes widened to the suns bright rays, breathing the fresh crisp air she had so longingly dreaded, everything seemed so serial to her unknowing eyes.
Kate hadn’t stepped outside since her brother Markus died 3 months ago at the start of the holidays. She felt unready to except the fact of his death. Knowing if she was to see friends and neighbour’s apologizing, it would make things sink to deep. Staying at home pondering thoughts of why he had passed so soon, analyzing the meanings of death and his last words, regretting all she hadn’t said, and all she had, was not the best of things Kate could of done to move on. But in ways she didn’t want to move on, to let go.
Lately all she had wanted was to see Markus again, to hear his laugh, to see that big smile widen across his face. He had always been someone to look up to for Kate, somebody to trust. After her mother died when Kate was only seven, and her father broken by the loss,
Markus was all she had. They were always there for each other, in good times and bad. Being the eldest Markus always felt it his responsibility to look after his sister, He knew their father certainly couldn’t. he was never a stable man, stressed easily and often angered by confusion, he would blame those around him for the mistakes he made. When the family lost what seemed to calm him down, which was his wife Sammy, he lost something inside him. All he would ever do now was sit by her grave, and cry. Drowning his confusion in drink, his bad temper would rise to the surface and over take his mind. Markus always sat with Kate as she cried at night, the sound of their drunken father ponding on the doors of her bedroom. Words of hate and distain spilling form his broken soul.
Kate dreaded each step she took to school, slow and full of hesitation was her walk. Unable to do anything but hold back the tears, she began to think of how in less then an hour she would be drowning in peoples sympathy and that was the last thing she wanted right now. Step by step she felt even more hollow. Wanting nothing more then to just collapse to the hard asphalt under her feet and cry, Kate couldn’t help but think of how much she missed Markus, and at the same time felt bad for wanting to cry about it. Markus always said that she never deserved to feel anything but happiness, and that if he was to go before her, she should never cry. Only smile as she thought of the time they had together. But how could she do that, nothing was worth it anymore. Nothing was worth this pain, this longing want to see markus, to be with Markus.
The only way kate ever managed was with him by her side. She was only happy when he was. The thought of him rotting away in a grave made her feel so very hollow, so useless. The waisted beauty of his kindness and concern pricked up tears in her heart.
“Hey” said Claire, her smile weak and concerned as she saw Kate.
“Hi” mumbled Kate, her head hung, staring at the leaf next to her friends feet.
“I tried calling” she said, her sandy blonde hair blowing in the breeze.
“yea, I… I wasn’t home, sorry.”
The first of many lies left her mouth; she was unable to tell the truth to even a close friend. Kate begun to wonder if there was something wrong with her, why didn’t she want to talk to her friends?
“It’s okay, I just, I’m glad to see you. How are you doing?” asked Claire staring at Kate who seemed to be brushing her wispy hair over her face in an attempt to hide the tears.
“Fine, just fine. You know I’m fine, that’s me. I’m a survivor” Kate blurted out in a pathetic attempt to hide her feelings. Finishing it off with a brisk laugh Kate brushed past Claire, who’s face was still full of worry.
Walking quickly through crowds of people to reach somewhere she could be alone, Kate tried hard to not make eye contact with anyone. She started to run as the people got less, reaching the bathrooms she forcefully pushed open the big green door, covered in graffiti. Slamming it shut and twisting the lock, she fell against the door of the cubical. Trying to breathe deeply, and instead achieving nothing but empty shallow breaths, the build up of denial spilt from her heart. The tears streaming down her face, Kate felt as though she would never be able to let go of this. Even if she could of said goodbye a thousand times it wouldn’t have been enough. Because the truth was, Kate really couldn’t make it with out someone by her side, and she wasn’t yet ready to realize that she had to find someone else she can trust as well as she did Markus.
Collapsing to the floor, Kate ripped open her school bag in search of her scissors. Finding them quickly, she slid them open exposing the rusty metal blade. Then she stopped. Markus wouldn’t want her to do this. He wouldn’t want her to hurt. But all Kate wanted was to be with him again. Life wasn’t worth living, she wanted to join him. To pass on into a new life. Where Markus was hopefully waiting.
But then a new question plagued Kate’s troubled mind, and clouded it with further confusion. Did she want to die?
Before Kate could answer this question she found herself plunging the scissors gripped tightly in her sweaty hands, forcefully into her scared wrist. Dragging the blade down her arm until it reached just past her elbow, a kind of determination to be with Markus fell over her troubled mind. The hot red blood began sweltering form Kate’s throbbing pulse; she watched the vibrant red colour gushed from her veins. Slicing even deeper into her other wrist, this time going up to her underarm, the feeling of determination still pulsated through her, piercing deeper thoughts of an escape.
Ripping at her blood drenched school shirt, Kate exposed her throat. Pushing her silver cross pendant out of the way, she pressed the scissors between her brittle collar bones, leading the cold metal blade diagonally up, tearing at her pulsating veins. Then turning to the other side of her bare skin, she began to slit even more forcefully across this time instead. And all along with out a single tear in either perfect eye, whispering, “I’m coming Markus, I’m coming”.
These were the last words that left her delicate mouth. And all Kate could do as she lay there on the cold cement floor, blood flooding form her veins, creeping astray across the floor, was smile. She now understood death, and why she was apart of it.
© Copyright 2016 katrina soroya. All rights reserved.