Choose My Life

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic
Even with all the reasons to die, she can still find the reasons to live.

Submitted: July 27, 2014

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Submitted: July 27, 2014

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She walks with steps the size of sound because she feels so small that she’s just a vibration.

Baby doesn’t know that a vibration can cause an earthquake.

It starts with a hum.

So light that you can barely feel it,

It just turns with the earth and sings with the universe,

But no one can hear it because no one chooses to listen.

No one chooses to see the first tear because they feel that if they ignore it, then it will just go away.

Like a punch in the gut and a twist of the heart is meaningless.

A hum is a warning.

It’s a warning of baby’s steps because they’re going to grow and grow as she runs to the bathroom hiding her tears.

Locked in a stall she screams, and the first kick of the door… they hate her.

They think baby is silent.  They think that she’s motionless because when she was young she hid.

She hid from their mockery, because who was she to fight back?

…Hands and feet the size of sound so she would just go through them,

but their words hit hard.

They punch her in the gut and slice her skin like razor blades leaving such injuries that she couldn’t get up again.

…But baby isn’t silent because she screams.  The seconds kick of the door is because nobody loves her.

She feels alone because she was born a murderer and her punishment is life. 

She goes to a place where no one can call home; without a mother or a loving father.  Where her definition of family is pain.

When she was born she killed the only person that loved her and now her father can’t stand to be in the same room as her for it. 

No one ever thinks about how she can’t stand to be in the same room as herself.

Baby may be silent but she screams.  The third kick of the door is because he pretends to love her.

He makes her believe that he had the power to kiss the pain away,

When really he wanted to take all of the pieces that were left of her to leave her with nothing.

He wanted to slice the last bit of wound free skin leaving her a monster.

Leaving her road kill in a puddle of her own tear drenched in the salty water.

Her pain now clinged to her. 

She was now silent, but the fourth kick of the door was for her unborn child.

When her child asks why she has scars, Baby has no idea what to say leaving her child to believe that it’s okay for people to leave scars.

Her child is going to grow up thinking that they’re a bathroom wall where people can carve “I was here.”

Her child is going to think that her mother is weak for hiding, and killing, and loving too much and she is going to wish that she was born to someone else.

Baby is an earthquake and the fifth kick breaks the door down. She thinks that a gun is a sound the people can’t ignore.

Baby doesn’t know that she’s an inspiration. She may be bullied and hurt but there are kids that need her. She shows them that although she’s hurt, she is here and if she were to die it would show them that it’s okay for them to die to.

Baby doesn’t know that her dad needs her, because the love of his life died and if his second love were to die to then he would have no one.  He would be a mangled body left on the side of the road drowning in booze.

Baby doesn’t know that there is a boy out there that loves her and if she were to die before they would have a chance to meet, he would be forced to live his entire life without a soul mate.

Baby doesn’t know that her child can’t grow up with anyone but her because it’s okay to make mistakes, but no one should have the power to leave scars.

 


© Copyright 2019 Katya Yermakova . All rights reserved.

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