Life will never be the same without you

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is a short memoir about my mother who died after struggling with cancer for six months. She died on the 8th December 2013. My other account is katym1998

Submitted: February 07, 2014

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Submitted: February 07, 2014

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As soon as I found out, I knew my life would change in months to come. I didn’t know what could happen and I was scared of what would happen. The months flew by like a wind propelling the autumn leaves downward towards the gravel. It scared me what would happen if I didn’t say a proper goodbye to her. She had a disease so bad that if there was a cure to be found in the next sixth months, it would be a miracle. I had always dreamed of living on a big blue beautiful boat with my mother but now that dream was shattered into millions of pieces as though a mirror had smashed and had given me an eternity of bad luck. Cancer made it impossible for me to grow up with my mother, Margaret. It made her weak as a bullet made of tissue and not being able to eat a lot made her skinny as a deer. My heart hurt as though someone was dragging a knife through it each time I saw her. I remember one afternoon as the sun was pulsing and the clouds were making shapes in the sky, she reassured me everything would work out.

“I know that in years to come, I will look down on you and see you as a grown woman and I will always be proud of you like I am now” she spoke in a quiet tone but her words were immovable in my mind.

“But why can’t you stay? I can’t be left alone without a mother to care for me! It’s not fair!” I retorted.

“It’s hard to talk about darling. I have made a decision that I will stick by. I’m sorry. I know it’s hard for you to understand but I am going to stick by my decision” she told me strongly that I could not change her mind whatsoever.

I was heartbroken that I would not see my mum in the next few years as I was only a teenager who hadn’t even had a real boyfriend yet! It made me think that if cancer was killing people that didn’t deserve to die, then I could help researchers fundraise the money they need to find a cure for this dreadful disease.

As the months bore on, mum got worse and worse but nothing could help her. She was going die no matter what happened and the only thing I could do was to sit and wait if there was a sign of improvement then I would go home and start being as helpful as I can to make sure she was as happy as someone could be when they were dying.

My world seemed to be turning upside down, until one day I was overwhelmed.

“So you say mum’s had an improvement?” I asked my father.

“Yes! She is eating a lot. Again!” he said sounding excited.

Everything was back to how it was. I was at school studying; she was eating again and getting better. Well I hoped. Everything seemed perfect, until a few weeks later when everything went downhill again. Mum was not eating again and she began losing weight as fast as a cheetah, this was not a good sign as I knew what was going to happen. The days seemed to go as quick as lightning and it scared me so much, I tried everything to raise money so they could find a cure fast.

I woke up one morning and I thought “Today feels like it’s going to be a good day!”

“Good Morning Casey!” I said happily to my houseparent.

“Morning Katy, your dad wants you to call him as soon as possible” she replied softly. I already knew what it was about. I feared he would tell me mum had died already but after I had talked to him, I felt I had a chance to see her if she got better.

I was confident I would get there in time so I could see her. I rushed into the hospital. My grandmother was with me as she drove me home from boarding school and was talking to a nurse.

“We are going to your dad’s house” she spoke in a normal tone. I was wondering why I couldn’t see my own mother. I got up from the seat unhurriedly as I didn’t know what was happening and was confused about the situation. We walked to the car in silence. In my head all I could think was that my mother was ok. I quickly made a decision that I couldn’t see her because she was too ill and I would be able to see her soon. I didn’t know what to do or what to think. I wanted to see her one last time like she would take her last look at this world.

“Katy…” My Nan started speaking after an eternity of silence.

“Your mother passed away at one o’clock. I’m sorry. Someone was with her but she didn’t know anyone at the end.” I burst into tears and I couldn’t control the reckless sobs that came over me. Nothing could prepare you for this. My own mother dying while I’m still a teenager. I had not seen her for at least three weeks before she died. That’s what hurt me the most. Not being able to say a proper goodbye.

My mother died on the 8th December 2013. It was one of the hardest days in my life. I felt as though I was floating in the clouds and someone had just pulled me and I was plummeting towards Earth. Not being able to say goodbye is one of the biggest regrets I will have for the rest of my life. I wish I could have found a cure. This event has changed my life forever and even though my mother has passed away, I know she is still looking over me and I know she is proud of me. 


© Copyright 2019 KatyMackenzie1998. All rights reserved.

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