I sat there on the cold, wooden floor, staring at the wall. There were no words to describe the pain I felt. Not physically, but emotionally and mentally. Thoughts of cutting bombarded my mind. I had been clean for two months now. That is, until that dark monster entered my head a few nights ago. Starting with my mind first, it began to take over all of my thoughts. Then it began controlling my actions. I couldn't sleep, eat, smile...laugh... I'm a zombie. A lifeless, disgusting creature. The urge to slice my once unscarred skin was overwhelming. I couldn't sit still. I was sweating, aching inside. I had to do it. I had to release all this self hate some way. I can't stand, my knees were weak. so I crawled to the kitchen in search of my weapon. What would do the most damage tonight? I chose the knife I used to cut hard foods with. It was about as long as my palm, but sharper than the tooth of a shark. The metal shined bright, as if it were smiling at me. I knew it'd cut deep. As I went to push down into my flesh to cut away the pain, I heard the front door open. Quickly, I regained all of my strength and got up. Still shaking a bit, I wiped my eyes, knowing it was my boyfriend of two years, Aaron. He called out my name, I replied in a soft whisper that I was in the kitchen. He must have heard me becuase at that moment he walked in. As soon as he saw me he dropped his bags and grabbed me. Holding my head to his chest with one hand and my waist with his other, he asked in a quiet voice, "What's wrong, baby girl?" I managed to choke out, "Nothing." When in reality, everything felt wrong. I was trying hard not to cry, but I failed. Suddenly, I began to let it all go, wiping my snot and tears all over his brand new navy blue shirt, but he didn't care. He continued to hold me until I caught my breath and couldn't cry anymore. Aaron cared about me so much and I had no idea why. I was a mess and a handful to deal with. He pushed me off his chest, not to be mean, but so he could get a better look at me. He studied my appearance for a minute, then kissed my forehead. "My god, you're a beautiful mess. I love you." Aaron said in an upset tone. I smiled at the compliment and jokingly punched his left shoulder.> I could tell his arms have been getting a workout. I think the punch hurt me more than it did him. I haven't seen Aaron in 6 weeks. Maybe that's why I was becoming so depressed. I missed him. He worked with his Uncle in construction. They travel for weeks at a time in search of work. I mean, I didn't mind. He was making good money and supported us pretty well. How could I complain. I, on the other hand, tutored middle school kids in math. I guess you could say i'm a kid person. I would like a few of my own. But i'm scared. I can barely take care of myself, how could I take care of another human being? Being happy doesn't feel right to me. I've been depressed for so long that being happy is an alien feeling. I crave the sadness, anyways. I love Aaron, he makes me smile and laugh but still... I feel that hurt in me. It never ends, and strangely enough, I don't want it to. Aaron understands though, he's a loving, happy person, but he understands my never ending monster. He and I used to be so alike. I suppose he grew out of his depression though, and decided to move on. We both used to be cutters. Growing up I guess you could say life was tough for two teenagers that saw the world for what it really was. A bad, ugly place. Aaron and I grew up with no father, and an alcoholic mother. When we met, instantly we fell in love with eachother. On a scale of one to Channing Tatum, Aaron was a nine. Muscular, tall, eyes bluer than the sky on a cloudless day, short blonde hair, body covered in tattoos. He and I both believed our bodies were canvas' and we were meant to cover them with art. He was my dream man. Unlike Aaron, I'm short.5foot to be exact, while he stood at 6'2. My eyes were blue, but they didn't shine anywhere near as bright as his did. I'm a curvy little thing with a large chest. Maybe that's why he loved me. With boobs, all things are possible. I've got midnight black hair, dyed that way of course, that reaches down a few inches passed my shoulder. Aaron loves playing with it at night when I can't sleep. It relaxes me and he enjoys it. That's what he was doing now.< Softly he tugged my hair. He must have sensed how stressed I was. I rolled on to the left side of my body, so I was facing him. I ever so lightly kissed his nose and watched as his eyes fluttered shut when I removed my lips from him. I could tell he wanted more kisses but was too shy to ask. I began leaving trails of wet kisses from the corner of his eye, down to his lips. I felt him smile against mine when I reached my destination. I opened my mouth enough for him to realize i was granting his tongue access. He opened his, I breathed in the breath he let escape from his lungs and he stole it back when I had breathed it out. Together, our hearts bear as one in that moment. Instead of making out with me like I thought he had wanted to do, he opened his eyes wide and stared into mine, smiling ear to ear with an opened mouth smile. The gap in between his two front teeth only made him more attractive to me. There was a special sparkle his eyes shared. I hadn't seen anything like it from anyone else. I could feel my face getting hot, turning my cheeks bright red. In a loving voice he whispered to me, "Babe, ich liebe dich. No matter what you think about yourself, I will always think you're perfect, and I don't know what I'd do without an amazing woman like you next to my side. You are my life. My heart. My breath. I missed you so much. Sleep well, sweetums. I'll be here when you awake." And with that, he held my in his arms and I drifted off into the sleep I had been needing.
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