for the first time: the truth

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
just a look into a 15 year old girls life, the way you can never tell... only write as someone else

Submitted: September 03, 2007

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Submitted: September 03, 2007

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its hard to tell the truth about a life that everyone else thought was perfect...

but writing it like i will now, lets me know that i shared it with something that doesnt know me at all

 

15,14,13,12,11..... as i count the days before my birthday. its holiday, and it is great knowing that you have a holiday b-day so close to christmas. my life, up to this point was a fairytale. mommy and daddy has enough money and all these friends are real friends. alex, my boyfriends. he is a drug addict, he always uses all my money for his next line, next hit. and more recently his next spike. it doesnt really bother me too much. i have enough money.mommy and daddy always asks me why i need so much money at a time and why they dont ever see me spending the money "becuase mommy, i have the money to spend and i do. besides its not like you actually care that i spend $100.00 a week on nothing" i was a child. what can i say?? 

 i always believed i was doing nothing wrong by giving alex all my money, as long as i never used drugs with him, god would forgive me.  2 days before my birthday we had our usual rounds. i go to alex, alex goes to slice (his dealer at that time) slice gets what he wants and then we could enjoy  the rest of the day in a normal way. alex had a friends, michelle. what i didnt know was, this day was so much difrent then any other day. this was the day i would actually start using drugs myself.

the first drugs i took was cat. it was something new, made me dizzy. i had alot of energy and only wanted more, we used $600.00 on cat that week. and my boyfriend loved the fact that i was not only paying for the drugs we were using, but also using it with them. and before i knew it, these drugs got me down lower then what i have ever been. i started sleeping not only with alex, but also his friends, when mymother didn't want to give me money, it even got to the point where i started sleeping with slice.

 2 weeks after my b-day, i started hanging out with michelle. we grew close over the following few weeks.

one day while we were taking another hit  at a near by park, michelle started crying

"whats wrong" i asked

"i cant do this anymore! i just cant" she replied with tears streaming down her eyes

"what cant you do anymore?"

"this!! these lies, keeping secrets, all these regrets! everything!!" she went insane. and for some reason i didnt seem to think she really ment it. "what lies? what secrets" i despritly tried to keep her talking, if i had to, i would have convinced her that what we did was nothing but right. all that for one more hit."halley*" she said. "please forgive me. i never ment to hurt you, but i did and you wont ever trust me again" my first thoughts were that she had turned us in. "i slept with alex everytime i wanted another hit, just to get it, you had the money, i didnt think it would do any harm. " truth  was, she was i did the same, not with her boyfriend though, but i did the same

on the 15th of July, i found out i was pregnant, i didnt have a clue who to blame, or who the father was. by that time i had broken up with alex and lost everything i had, all my money, even the money i didnt have and when i lost the money, along with it i lost the friends, i was 14 weeks pregnant, and still hard on drugs!

when i found out i was pregant, alex and i hadnt seen each other in a while, dont know how, but somehow he found out about my little peace of joy. this is his words he wrote in a letter to me

angel.

what did you do to youself! i dont hate you for that, i just miss my old love! i dont mean to be nasty, but i know thats not mine. why didnt you tell me? i had to find out by slice, ..... wow.. 6 weeks hey. im so happy.

my angel, i promise, no matter what, i will always be there for you, i will pick you up when you are lower then low, i will be by your side even when darkness haunts me, because i love you.

and i promice, when that little baby get born, i will be there, holding your hand, forgetting that its not mine, and i will be the father i never had, and i will love you. i promise

love you my angel

after that i decided that i had to get my life back on track, so i totally stoped with drugs. only one weekend we went away. alex and i, alone. i promised myself i would only have one last day, as i was already 23 weeks pregnant. we had cat, and rocks. we finish almost $200.00 that day. i thought one day wouldnt do anything. i was clean for 9 weeks already.

i lost my baby that monday. with tears in my eyes i had to face reality of drugs, i had the most beautiful name and alot of clothes.

but it had to happen, i learnt from my mistakes. im clean! have been for the last 4 years... if this is what it takes to realize your mistakes???

i still get reminded eveyday about my mistakes! it sreally not worth it


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