You and Luke are friends at school, but it seems you never can hang out at school. You go home in your room and you listen to music as you attempt to plan out the rest of your life maybe it will all end like you want, but you can't end it this soon. You have to stay strong for Luke. Luke is in your grade and is the most handsome boy that over the past week you have been slowly falling for. He is the sweetest boy you have ever met. He stands at a height of 5'8 with gorgeous blue eyes that lure you into getting lost into them. His gorgeous eyes, oh those eyes. You could look at them forever. Unfortunately, you only have 3 out of 8 classes with him though. In the mornings he waits for you, but he doesn't walk around with you. He waits for his girlfriend, Ash. Ashley Smith. She's the prettiest girl in your school, and of course Luke's girlfriend. The sight of her cringes your stomach. She has flawless teeth and rocks the perfect pale complexion. You, on the other hand, are a lighter tan. Luke talks to you about everything, from his love life, to the way he feels at home. You wish he would just notice how much you really like him, but with Ashley in the way, that may never happen.
Everyday you struggle for the words to say to let him know how you truly feel, but you never fully tell him because you are afraid of what he will say if anything at all. You have a boyfriend named Xavier, but he just sleeps and is gone most of the time. It gets so bad you find yourself crying every night until eventually you just go to sleep to dream nightmares. When you're at school, you see him and ash. It takes everything not to hit her. HER. The one that has stolen Luke's heart for the heat of the moment. Her. The girl that you compare every morsel of yourself to. The one you spend hours upon hours \"fixing\" yourself to fit the requirements you believe Luke has because of the perfection Ash is. Her beautiful brown hair with blonde highlights. Her perfect teeth that draws him into her smile. Her style. The style you have but her pale skins makes it look better on her. You try everything you can to make your skin white, but nothing works. You haven't tried bleach though. Maybe you should. Or maybe you should drink it to end it all. You cut for every time you see them kiss, which is a record of 42 times straight now. Do you tell anyone? Of course not. You're not a freak, yet. You constantly get called fat EmO bitch to the point you become anorexic. Maybe being skinny would help. You are a tad chubby for your height. Or you think so.
*****first person point of view*****
His touch. So flawlessly does he graze his teeth over my neck sending sensations throughout my spine. His kiss on my neck tingles the pit of my stomach. His crystal blue eyes lock stares with mine as he asks, \"_______, may I have this kiss?\" I lean in and close my eyes as....... BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP The alarm clock goes off as i groggily get out of bed to hear my parents fighting again. It seems my alcoholic dad is at it again with my mom. Great. Just another thing to add to the list. Hi, my name is ________, and I am a junior in high school. It's a mediocre high school in a mediocre town, with a mediocre life. No, I'm not the richest kid on the block. Actually I'm probably the poorest. Maybe that's why HE doesn't like me. Or it could be because I'm friend zoned. Luke. My best friend, now. I met him just these past 3 weeks and have been slowly falling for him since day 1. I think he knows, but just doesn't care. He's in love with ash. :/ He is the new kid from Kentucky. He moved here because of his past relationship. He now has major issues that I have to help with. I made this promise. It gets hard not to lust after him because the occasional, \"hey! _______! You're beautiful.\" Or \"hey! ________ I love you!\" Lures me into believing its real, but that's life sickest joke. Love, it's never real, for me at least. The love stories never seems to be real. As I dress in my dark blue skinnies along with my black suicide silence shirt, black converse, green bow, and batman hoodie, I get a text from Panda. A.k.a. Luke. He says to meet him in the commons, as usual. I see him there. He is so gorgeous. Those piercing blue eyes that melts your heart as he is staring at you. Why can't he see? As I walk up to his he jumps up into a hug. His scent. Oh does his scent attract me. Most people don't know this but I can hold a scent. His is just tasty. As I hug him he kisses the top of my head. So cute. Luke Bates embracing me, _______. \"Hey ________. We have band practice on Sunday. Be there. We only have the vocalists performing so its going to be me, you and Ashley.\" As a disappointed looks smears across my face I say, \"oh. Okay. Sure ill be there.\" I fake a smile as if everything is okay. It's not. Why am I so in love with him? Is it his scent? His charm? What spell does this creature has me under?
Today is the day. The day that, maybe I can show him the true me. Ash. What if she is better? What if he just laughs at me. Makes a fool of me. He wouldn't. He's my best friend. I can trust him. Or can I? He texts me. \"Hey we're picking you up at the skate park. Hurry and get there.\" Oh shit. I have to look pretty. I'm not white like ash though. So what does it matter? Oh well. As I get finished with my hair I ask Luke if he can take Xavier to the front gate of ash brook estates. He gladly accepts, but Xavier doesn't want to go. Why? I don't know. After picking up Ash, we see Xavier walking along the highway. Why didn't he want to come with? :( Well Luke wants to pick him up so we do. Xavier is pissed About it but doesn't say anything. When we drop Xavier off, me, Luke, and Ash all go to Luke's grandmas. Wow. The garage is a huge baby blue garage that upstairs has a beautiful set up for mics, and band practice. As he gets things set up I can't stand staring at his midnight black hair, his perfect body. Even his face just seeps perfection. After things are set up we get things started by him warming up his vocals. His screams. So sexy. The biggest turn on to a girl like me is a guy who can scream. As I'm shuttering in my pants Ash is eyeing me, as if she wanted to slice my throat open in the nicest way possible. I can't stop staring. When Luke sings you can't help but to laugh. Is it bad? No, by all means no. He is just so cute.
When Ash goes up to sing i can't help but sink low into my seat. Her voice. So beautiful. I could never compete with that. Luke stares at her in admiration while i just sulk there. Hoping to go unnoticed. Jesse, Luke's cousin, giggles at me. I take it he thinks it is hilarious that she is a gorgeous, talented lady and I'm a ragged, half decently talented child. Jesse suggests I go up and sing as the group agrees. Ash pleaded for me to. Is she trying to be friends with me? Me. The girl that craves her man's touch. That lusts for his embrace. Can't be. Maybe she just knows I'm bad. Or am I? Lately I haven't been practicing like I should, but I do tid bits here and there with Elizabeth. Elizabeth and I both agree love sucks and we are both in the same boat. Maybe that's why we're so close. I haven't had a true best friend since Margret, my old best friend from 2nd grade to 9th. So many memories now destroyed by love and hate. Elizabeth is the first person since that I have felt like I can trust. Anyways, back to band practice. To stall I requested water before i even attempted it. As Luke and Ash went to retrieve water, Jesse stayed. Oh well, he doesn't know me anyways so what would it matter if he heard me sing? I went through Ash's music in hope I find a song that would help me get better prepared. Jersey by Mayday Parade. awesome. I feel this song can do the trick. As I begin to sing Jesse got out his phone to record. Not thinking much of it I began singing and dancing due to the need to express myself when singing. Jesse laughed at me. Not hurtful though. (:
Midway singing I heard Luke creep up with Ash. They have been listening. Holy poop. I'm screwed. Luke probably thinks I'm some freak. He giggles as he approaches me telling me not stop. How am I suppose to continue with red cheeks from embarrassment? Hmph. Well, at least I have nothing to lose I sing, and sing, and sing. I kinda sound good. Not better than Ashley, but still good. Luke continuously stared at Ashley. Drinking her beauty as if for nourishment. So much jealousy. Doesn't he realize I'm right here, in front, trying to impress him. as lust takes over again they kiss. Not once, a lot so much PDA with such little patience. Who cares right? They are dating. It's HER boyfriend. I'm his best friend. I'm sure it means nothing to him. Just as I was about to say something I received a text. \"Xavier is puking bad ________. Where are you?\" Oh shit. Xavier. As I rush out of the garage I ask Luke where the nearest way to the main road is. \"________, that's a really long walk. Are you sure you don't want me to ask someone to take you? \"I'm sure Luke. I just need to go, now.\" \"That walk is like 2 hours. ________, are you okay? \" \"I'm fine\" I lied. I wasn't fine. I was 3/4 of the way to a breakdown and I needed to evade that situation fast.
As I walk away a tear streams from my face attempting comfort. I wipe it away as I hear \"_________, wait!\" Luke rides his bike up to me offering directions to the main road. Not being rude I accept and stand listening to him. How can he act like he cares so much, but really doesn't? If he did he would prove it. He attempts to put me on his bike but after many fails we give up. maybe it wasn't meant to be? probably not, in my case. He looks at me as I walk away daring the distance. I sing all the way until I pass the front gate of Ashbrook. Thank heavens I'm out of that place. I look back sobbing. Thinking about every imperfection I have and about how Luke ditched me the other day. It's probably because I'm not Ash. After several creeps asking to give me rides I fell. So overheated from trying not to tan to be white. To try to sweat more to lose weight. Everything I can try to be perfect. I get up 10 minutes later and begin running to get home to Xavier faster. Yet another time of falling except my face smacked pavement. Ouch. Why do I cause myself pain? I don't know. Maybe I'm just sick. At least that was what my brother called me.
*****back ground info.*****
all my life I have been picked on, beat up, called so many racial slurs I'm permanently bruised and scarred. My brother has bullied me forever now, when all I did was be nice. At the age of 7, he hung me from a noose in my backyard. I was dead for 1 minute and 32 seconds until my sister came out and revived me back to life. At the age of 9 he shot me continuously with a BB gun. Scarring my legs. When I was 13 I dated a guy named Andrew. He beat me everyday for 10 months straight. If I were to tell, he'd kill me. Finally I got sick and tired of it I broke up with him. Boy did I get a hell of a beating. He finally moved to Seymour to have a kid with Teah. In that 10 months we dated my grandma died and I lost my best friend Margaret for the first time. She thought I was trying to get her ex to cheat. She didn't believe me that he was a dick and it was HIM trying to cheat with me until later when they broke up. We then became sort of friends but not too close like we were. I dated a guy named Aiden after that and for 8 months we were together I gave him my v card and fell so hard. I broke up with him because I was afraid of getting hurt. Worst. Mistake. Of my life. I tried to get together with him and when we were going to start dating again, him and Margret went on a date. After 8 months of being lied to about him not liking her, him thinking she was ugly, him not liking the freckles, him not liking her height, I realized he lied to me. They began dating after me \"giving acceptance\" to it. What did it matter. She was going to do it anyways. All of her new best friends knew about their date BUT me. Hopelessly lost in this love world I cried. I cut. I attempted suicide 3 times. Never worked.
I learned to get over it, and live life. I played keyboard to try to get over it and all I acquired was a new skill. Singing songs and helplessly writing songs is what kept me through. Until I met Elizabeth. She now understands me and I can talk to her. finally. The endless nights of partying are now over. I've become a bit alcoholic, but I've slowly recooped myself. I now smoke weed. It helps my nerves. From Ash and Luke to memories of the past I am slowly dying. What is happening to me? I'm transforming to what everybody wants. What about Me. The past week has been complete torture sitting, smiling, pretending not to care. When will I have my moment? All the while this is happening I'm being torn between Xavier and Luke. Why can't I know what to do? Xavier lately has been talking to me more and cuddling more. Does he know? Does he understand what I feel about him and Panda? What a scary thought. Him, Elizabeth, and my mom are keeping me strong through all of this while my mind is being forcefully torn apart. My heart hurts. I just need to escape.
\"Aiden and Margret, together, forever.\" \"Aiden and Margret, together, forever.\" That phrase travels fiercely through my mind as I rip and roar in my dreams. Dodging Aiden, dodging Xavier, and Dodging Luke. I can't help but dream the same dream every night for the past year. The same people I now recognize. The unfamiliar, unknown face is discovered now. Luke. The one in my dreams. The one I wanted. Xavier the one I have. The one I so dearly wanted 5 years ago, but now I am unsure. And Aiden. The one I had. The one I truly loved, the one I want so dearly to get back with. Why does this triangle happen to me? As I see Aiden and Luke I can't help but to the am I the selfish one? Do I deserve this? Help. Help. Help. I repeat help. But no knight in shining armor arrives. \"_________, we have band practice tomorrow. Can you make it? \" \"yeah, of course.\" \"Right the fuck on. Get a bus note? C:\" \"okay lol\" end. Another band practice to suffer through after school tomorrow. Great.
***** The Next Day*****
\"Hey ________, got the bus note?\" \"yeah, let's take it up there?\" \" We have to wait for Ash.\" \"Kay.\" I mutter. We walk to the attendance as Luke held Ash's hand. I claim envy upon her. Her, the girl that is cool. The girl that is perfect. Luke's girl. I suffer throughout the day waiting for 3:05 to arrive so I can climb on the bus with Luke and Ashley and get this practice out of the way. I. Can't. Wait.
Holy fuck. Why am I here again? Band practice. I begin regretting I even wanted to be in this, but any time with Luke is better than none. So much drama though... Between ash and Luke because of Korey, his secret love. I sit here thinking why? Why do I even speak. Why do I try? They are just going to all over each other in a few minutes anyways. This time, I know a secret. The secret for which many centuries brings upon the dark glow of treachery if told. The secret I have learned to deal with since my exbestfriend Emma had shared with me. Among us, were vampires. They didn't need a fancy ring to not crisp in the sun. That's all myth. They have something greater. Power. Power to charm, to manipulate, to feed on whomever they choose with the silver tongue. The power to rule. I've noticed a strange behavior of Luke that I once saw in Emma and now I know. he's a vampire. Luke. How could he not tell me until now? At band practice he craved blood, but there no sources, yet. He was so timid to hurt anyone and ash knew his secret. She willingly held him off until he could get enough trench and willpower to inform me on what was going on. When he said he had to talk to me, I knew. He fulfilled the prophecy once told to me several years ago. The prophecy of change. My mind went blank and I knew what I must do. I had to give him mine. He needed it. After I deeply cut, I let him feed. Slowly tears streamed down my face. I had to go. Luckily his father came to the rescue. It was already 7:30 so band practice was over. Finally. Time to leave. I met with Xavier at the gate. \"________, you okay?\" He questioned. \"Yeah, I'm fine.\" I muttered. My arm was burning and all I felt was hatred. Hatred that Xavier has been a dud, hatred that Luke can't see me, hatred that ash is so luckily. Maybe it was jealousy. As I arrived home, I laid down and I felt feverish. Oh no. Not the marking. The knot in my arm, the muscle weakness, the light sensitivity. Emma warned me to never let the saliva of a vampire enter your blood but I didn't take caution, I had Porphyric Hemophilia also known as, vampires disease. To make the transfer complete without having to deal with all of the cons of being a vampire, I have to drink his blood. Great.
That Sunday we played our first gig. Til' death. Our band. Mainly Ash's and Luke's but I was in there somewhere. When we went on stage we were nervous s hell, but still ready. The first sng began as I sat in the corner watching Luke and Ashley kiss on each other while singing to each other and I was alone. Up on stage by myself. Well, I might as well have been. The entire time I barely sang, even on my song. What a drag. I guess being back up isn't my forte. I am a lead singer. Not a back up. Soon after I got home I received a message via Facebook from Luke. It discussed how I was singin on Ashley's song and it threw her off. It devastated him and her both. Mortified them actually. Of course it did. If they were center stage it was horrible. I replied with my sweet sorrows stating I no longer would be in their band because I am a lead singer. Not to be treated unfairly as a back up. With this bad news, Luke proposed a new idea. I could be in a different project band with him. Just us, no Ashley. Of course we would have to find different band mates for instruments, but still my band. I accepted and shrieked with joy. Our band. The statement that repeats in my mind constantly to no end. We barely texted after that. For what reason? I have no clue. I was just happy he said it. Xavier wasn't too happy, but he got over it. Long days and sleepless nights arose as I continuously thought about Luke. Xavier began to notice and changed. He has begun to stay with me most nights now, introduce me to his friends, smoke with me, and even hold me more. He even rubbed my feet. That means a lot to me. As days flew by, me and Xavier have grown closer, but not as close as I wish to be with Luke. I don't know what it is. His charm? His smile? The things he says? I. Don't. Know. Whatever it is has overcame my mind with a spell. After two weeks the thoughts slowly calm down, but still arise at times. Him and ash went to prom together. Oh joy. That furiated me even more. He looked stunning in his suit as well as her in her dress. I sat at home crying and eating ice cream. I couldn't stop thinking about him. Xavier came over soon after I wiped away the tears and began putting on make up. Good thing he never knew. I knew Monday was going to be hard to see them.
As Monday arrived, I carefully chose my purple Fall In Love overlay shirt over my black tank top with my deep blue skinnies and my black converse. I look cute. Maybe this will attracts Luke's eye. Over the two weeks we haven't been talking as much so maybe he'll want to talk to me in this. As I walk into the cafeteria, he doesn't look up or at me what so ever. Elizabeth walks ove to him and gives him a hug, but he keeps clear of me. I wait for them to get done chatting so me a Elizabeth can leave, I just want to get out. Fast. As we leave Elizabeth giggles stating that Luke kept staring at me. Doubt it. I looked like shit. Or I felt like it due to him not even caring as so much to say hi. I suffer through the day to come home to my parents fighting. Alcohol. The main cause. They are arguing and I see knives in the table, broken dishes everywhere, my lightbulb had been broken by my dad, there was nothing to do but cry. I went to my room and cried. After the yelling calmed down, I went to my moms room to get the EBT stamps for food. I walk to the store and bought an entire cart full of food I know we will need later on in the month. I spent 64 $ and I did we'll at budgeting. I was so proud that I ran the cart all the way home. When I walked in the door they were yelling some more and my dad cussed me out. Great. More stress. I put away the food and joined my mother in laying down as she cried on my shoulder my mom was so hurt. I haven't ever see her cry this much because of him. It hurt me to see her like this. My strong mother breaking down. I went into my room to lay down and s carol around on Facebook, just to see posts of Margret and Aiden. Then Luke and Ash. It's like love was laughing in my face as I swiftly cut my upper thigh 25 times, my other thigh 10, my right ankle 5 times and my left ankle twice. I was hurt. I cried thinking of possibilities to kill my self but then I thought of my mom. She needed me now more than ever. I have to stay. I cried until I couldn't cry no longer. I then prettied myself up took 7 pictures, and went to sleep with my mom. Before doing so, I apologized to Luke for breaking the promise of never cutting again. That was a promise ill never be able to keep. He asked why and I went to sleep without explaining, the next morning I awoke to quiet stillness and 5 minutes until the bus came. Shit. I had to change my clothes, fix my hair, and out on makeup. Luckily I did it in bough time, or my bus was late. I sat silently on the bus wishing the day would end already. I walked through the commons to see Luke wasn't there, just his stuff. He was in the cafe with friends as I silently crept by to the breakfast line. After grabbing breakfast and sitting down, he approached me. E quizzed me in why I did what I did, but no reply. I had to talk somewhere else. We moved to a hallway with no one in it and I told him. He didn't comfort me. Instead, he lectured me. Just what I need. More stress. I accepted his lecture and left. I just wanted today to be over. After countless weeks I realized I don't want to be with Luke, or do I? I realized he wasn't as great as I thought. He didn't care about me. He didn't care about who I was, what I said, how I dressed up for him everyday, just to see him for that 5 minutes. He was fascinated with Ashley. I am no match. As school rounded out I confirmed a few things. One, guys don't like me. Two, no matter what I do, he won't notice me. He won't know the tears I cried because of him. He won't know that I have fallen in love with him. That I want him. After him and Xavier meeting at the first and last gig of our band, he hinted the infuriation within him about me being with Xavier. Why would he care. He has barely spoken to me since. I just crave to talk to him. :( he doesn't even look at me. That's it. I'm showing him what I feel.
\"Hey _______!\" \"hey. We need to talk. \" \"Is everything okay Hun?\" \"don't call me that. Not until you read MY story.\" i handed him my iPad as he carefully read what I was feeling. What I've been trying to show him.
\"You just blew my mind.\" \"Thanks.\" I don't think he understood the meaning of it. My story. Maybe it's just another thing to him. Is it more? As the school rounds out I will never know how he truly feels if anything at all.. He doesn't even seem to care... Maybe it's worthless. i sit and wonder if anything I have ever said or done has meant anything. With Ashley, life is perfect. Why fight for a battle you know you're going to lose? Why fight for a chance you'll never have? That's why I might give up. I just wish SOMEONE would help me and tell me what to do and say. Someone to treat me like a puppet and help me. :(
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