The Night You Took My Soul

Poem by: kayy rachelle xo

Reads: 455 | Likes: 0 | Shelves: 0 | Comments: 1

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The roses are dead;

The butterflies i squished;

The birds were shot;

The ants were drowned;

All living things came to an end on that night;

The night that YOU took my soul;

The night you took my soul and left me there;

When you left me there;

You left me, cold hearted in the world.

Submitted: February 24, 2009

Poetry

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Shadow Cat

i like this one.
i love that last line...
"you left me, cold hearted in the world"

just a suggestion, but i think it would sound better if "in the world" was "to the world".

and your messing up your tenses a little bit.
the roses are dead - is present.
and then the rest of the poem is past tense.
i'd suggest changing it to,
"the roses have died"

and maybe change i squished to "are squished"

good subject though.

Sat, March 28th, 2009 2:40am

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Uhmm, okay..thanks! This was actually the first thing i ever wrote. Which, I know my tenses are messed up, and so are my phrases...but i just write them, and the rest comes later...you know? But, Thanks! Definately...I will use these tips coming up...I just need something dramatic to take place in my life for something else to write! Thanks!

Fri, March 27th, 2009 7:59pm