Mind

Reads: 312  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 0

More Details
Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
A normal school girl is in an accident with her horse.

Submitted: August 06, 2015

A A A | A A A

Submitted: August 06, 2015

A A A

A A A


Day 1 -
I was alive, just, it was dark and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t open my eyes, I was trapped. In my own mind. I couldn’t scream, I couldn’t move. 
I could hear voices around me though, I recognised those voices. It was mum and dad. 
Where was I? Who is the other person talking? Why can’t I move? Am I dead? 
 
No. I’m not dead, mum was talking to me, telling me to wake up, I wish I could, she was crying, I felt a tear fall on my hand, as cold as ice, she held my hand and told me to wake up again, not to give up. I heard mum talking to that other voice again, I know who it is, well I know what he is. He’s a doctor, he was telling her how it’s up to me to get through this and to wake up in my own time, my injures to my head weren’t going to be fully known until I woke up; if I woke up. Mia came to visit today, this was when I found out what happened and the full events came flooding back and I couldn’t bare it.
‘’You were jumping, shadow got the wrong stride and went over on you, you were pretty much out of it from there, everyone from the yard was around you trying to help, the ambulance came and they soon called the air ambulance and it was real bad, jade, Shadow , he..’’ 
He what?? Mia?? .. She was gone, she was crying when she left. Where was my pony? Was he dead? If he was it was all my fault, I can’t live with that. I’m sorry. That was when my heart stopped, I heard so many voices all rushing round trying to save me, I didn’t want saving, I didn’t need saving, I had to go.
Day 5 -
I’m still here, just, I held on with a slight glimmer of hope that he was still alive and that we would be together again, if he was gone, I would go with him, if he was not I would not. I just needed to know if he was ok. Mum and dad were back talking to the doctor, when he told them what happened mum collapsed into floods of tears and I even heard dad crying; dad never cries. The doctor was saying that my body wasn’t coping with the injures as he had hoped and that I would need more surgery, apparently my 8th surgery since being here. I feel like I’ve been asleep for hours, surgery really takes it out of you I must say, I’m doing well, as expected anyway. Mia came back again and I kept asking the same question but she couldn’t hear me, of course not, I wish she could. She told me to keep strong and not give up. Everyone keeps telling me not to give up, why? What is so important in my life to live for? If he’s gone I don’t want to keep going. 
Day 9 – 
I’d pretty much had every visitor here to see me today, not sure why, I was doing well, I didn’t freak out again (well my heart didn’t) I was going to wake up, everyone was telling me to so I would, I just need to know if shadow is ok.. Please.
Day 10 – 
I heard the doctor and Mia talking, they were both disgusing something and both disagreeing with one another I couldn’t make out what about but it was about me. Mia came over crying, she couldn’t speak through the tears, and I heard the sadness in her voice. 
‘’we want to try wake you up, but the doctors don’t think you’re ready they think it might make things worse, so we’ve decided to wait, until your strong enough, we have no idea when or how long that will take but please, make it soon, I don’t think mum or dad can take anymore. ‘’ She went on...  ‘’ I was told by the doctor that you can’t hear me, I’m sure you heard us arguing, you see, I think you can hear me, and I want to tell you this. Shadow is in a bad way, he can’t cope  b  without you jade, he keeps colicing and going downhill fast, if not for me or mum or dad, wake up for him, he needs you. Please, I can’t lose my sister and her horse in the space of 2 weeks please don’t give up, the vet said he’s going downhill fast, and it’s been brought on by stress, which she says is possibly from the accident.’’
I couldn’t think, my head was spinning, I was the reason my horse was dying and my family was falling apart. I had to wake up I had to. 
Day 13 – 
The doctor and dad were talking again, I’m doing well apparently and they want to try wake me later, I’m scared. What if my body doesn’t want to be woken? The doctor’s name is Zac, I heard Mia call him in to ask about me being brought round, he sounded nice, not harsh, and he sounded sympathetic too. 
Still day 13 only later – 
This was it this was my first chance at being free from my mind. they attempted to wake me, it didn’t work and I was put back on life support again, I tried so hard, my mind is ready my body is not, I need to get out of here, please someone let me out. 
Day 15 – 
Long-time no speak……. I’ve been sleeping for a while you see, more surgery, too tired to talk. To my own mind. They attempted to wake me again 4 times and it failed, 4 times. Mia keeps telling me daily updates on shadow and he’s getting sicker by the day, he can’t hold on much longer, neither can I. 
 
Day 17 – 
I can feel a tight pulling on my body, I think I might be waking up, I don’t know I don’t know what it’s like to wake up again. Am I dying? ……… everything was fuzzy, but there were faces, I didn’t know these people?? Who were these people around me? Where was Mia? Mum? Dad? Where are they? I WOKE UP AND THEY AREN’T HERE. 
‘’mum dad??’’ 
‘’go get her parents Zoë, welcome back lovely’’ 
‘’where am I?’’ 
‘’you’re in hospital, you had a bad accident, with your horse, shadow ’’ 
‘’shadow?? Is he okay, I must see him’’
*tries to get up but is pulled back with intense pain*
I started fitting and was asleep again, only this time I was breathing for myself, I just had to sleep to rest. 
Day 20 – 
Mia  came in, I was sleeping but I could hear her talking, still as if I was in a coma, I wanted to wake up to speak to her but I couldn’t find the words, I just lay there, pretending to be asleep, she was saying that ‘’shadow was still really sick and that the vet had asked mum to put him down, of course she said no, but I don’t know what to do jade, he’s on his last legs, he can hardly stand, without you he’s nothing and I don’t think you’ll be out of here in time to save him, I’m sorry.’’
I felt a tickle on my cheek, a tear. I woke up to face her, her face lightened. 
‘’did you hear what I said?’’
‘’The vet doesn’t want to keep shadow suffering, I don’t either, I don’t think he can go on, I don’t know what to do, help us out jade, we can’t make this decision for you.’’ 
‘’no.’’ 
‘’no?’’ 
‘’he’s a fighter, he doesn’t need me, he never has, he’ll get through this, just like I did, tell him not to give up.’’
‘’.. Jade I don’t thi…’’
I cut her off. 
‘’stop, you said he’s my horse and it’s my decision? My decision is that he will make it through this just like I did.’’ 
‘’I’m going to go now.’’ She left. Crying, and angry, I know I was wrong, to continue his suffering and that it would take him months to get back to where he was but if I can do it then he can, we can both get better together. 
Day 24 – 
‘’doctor, can I ask you something?’’ 
‘’call me zac, but sure honey what is it?’’ 
‘’if you love someone, and you couldn’t bare life without them? But they weren’t in a good way and were dying... would you let them go?’’ 
‘’talking about your horse? You see sweetie, loving someone, or something is so powerful and overwhelming it can make our better judgments disappear, and I guess from your question you want to try and keep him going, but he’s suffering and isn’t getting any better, am I right? 
‘’yeah.’’ 
‘’you see, letting the ones you love go is the hardest sacrifice to face if it’s a choice. You have a choice, you can continue his treatment and hope it works or you can end his suffering, you’re an incredibly strong girl jade, but shadows an animal, he doesn’t know what’s happening, what’s happened to you, all he knows is he’s sick and in pain and he wants it to stop, like you did. 
‘’I guess, can I see him??’’
‘’no way, your still too sick, I wouldn’t allow you to be discharged, I’m sorry’’ 
*turns heard away and pretends to fall asleep*
‘’you get some rest, I’m sorry about shadow, jade, I know whatever you choose it will be the right decision.’’ 
 
Day 24 – 
Still here. Apparently still very ill, don’t feel it to be honest, I just want to be home and go to the stables again and ride my pony... 
*knock on door* 
‘’um… come in?’’ 
‘’Jade?’’
‘’yeah that’s me? Do I know you?’’ 
‘’sorry, I’m Sarah, you don’t know me, but, I’m the vet, treating shadow , I shouldn’t be here, I know this is wrong of me, but I must ask you, don’t give up on that horse, he has so much fight left in him, your mum, she changed vets when the last one told her to put him down, I can see that he means a lot to your family and I can see that he still has fight left in him. I will tell you when I think enough is enough, though.’’
‘’I don’t know what is right anymore, everyone is telling me what to do and I don’t feel I have a decision to make myself.’’
‘’you have no decision, he is fine at the moment and is coping well with the treatment, he is in pain but we’re managing that, if only you could come see him, it might give him the boost he needs..’’
‘’I asked if I could be distracted but the doctor point blank refused, with obvious reason.’’
*long silence* 
‘’I have an idea.’’ ‘’bear with me and I will be back tomorrow, ok, bye’’ 
 
And with that she was gone, what was her idea? Why didn’t she tell me before she went? 
 
Day 25- 
Well Sarah came back, with mum, and dad, no Mia. 
She handed me her phone, and there he was, my pony, I couldn’t hold back the tears, tried to speak but couldn’t. He didn’t look good, I shouldn’t have let him suffer for this long. 
‘’shadow?’’
He picked his head up, and put his ears forward, he was still in there, and my little shit of a pony was there, somewhere. 
He nickered and in a flash he was up and eating his hay. It was a miracle. I started crying and laughing and couldn’t help but notice the people staring at me, hoping, I showed them the phone, their faces lightened, he was back, I was back.  
Day 26 – 
I’m back on life support. I don’t know what happened, I was sitting up talking away to Sarah when I felt myself falling and heard screaming and alarms going off and people rushing around me. I hate being here, trapped, again. Alone with no one to talk to but myself. Shadows doing well apparently and is picking up. If anything is to come of this please just let him live no matter what, he doesn’t deserve any of this pain. 
Day 27 – 
Still here. Bored. You don’t understand what it’s like in here, I’m in a room, which happens to be my own mind that has no windows or doors, and it’s just black, no light. I’m falling further and further away from reality and it’s slowly taking hold, I want to hold on, it’s just so difficult. Mum was back today, telling me how shadow was doing and how I need to wake up again for him, I’ll wake up for you all mum, not just him, I need too,  I can’t cope with the darkness anymore, someone let me out please. 
Day 28 – 
Heard zac talking to another doctor about me today, he wasn’t being very optimistic,  he wouldn’t say what he said to him to mum and dad would he? They can’t do that? To me? No. 
‘’I don’t think she’ll come out of this one this time, it’s all too much, her brain injury is worse that we all thought, it’s killing her, she’ll either die on life support of when she wakes up, there’s no coming back from this.’’
‘’hm, I disagree zac, she’s came back once and done well, better than you thought, maybe there’s something else to this, let me look at her scans again, maybe a new pair of eyes can shed some light on the situation?’’ 
‘’yeah if you want to Mark, but I just don’t thi....’’
He was cut off, by a knock at the door.
‘’oh hello Mrs McDonald, we’ll leave you to it’’ 
Mum was back, she was spending hours here, she was run down, and it was all too much, for all of them. 
I just want to wake up, to end their suffering, they don’t know I can hear everything that goes on so when someone breaks down on top of me and my hand is covered in tears, it really takes it out of me too, I want to wake up and take all this pain from them but it’s impossible, every time I try I hurt myself more. 
Day 29 – 
Well Mark came back to speak to zac about his discoveries, he thinks I can be woken up again tomorrow. Zac isn’t sure but he’s only looking out for mum and dad, he’s been with us from the start so knows what this has done to them. Anyway, big day tomorrow, better get some rest, night mind. 
Day 30 – 
I’m not awake, my head, it’s so sore today. They’ve gave me a new drug. Stronger drugs. I feel like my head is about to explode, literally. 
Marks idea was to try me on this new drug, the only issue was... It could kill me if it went wrong. Great. 
Mark was administering this new drug when I started fitting and they decided I wouldn’t be woken up today. Apparently fitting is normal with this new drug, fab, more pain. 
I just want to be better, feel better, free from pain? See the light? Hear birds again. I’m trapped and I’m falling so far away from the light I’m about to give up. anyway apparently the new drug is working and the side effects have been minimum which is great, mum and dad and mia have been down to see me, telling stories and opening up as if I can’t hear them, if only I could jump up and tell them it’s all ok, it’s all going to be ok.
 

Day31 There's no easy way of saying to someone "your daughter is going to die." Because I was, i had been dying the moment i came here and it was only a matter of time before the inevitable happened. 

Does it make it easier for someone when you think about the good times? None of the bad stuff matters anymore, only the good. 
 - I had hoped that maybe I would wake up and see everyone's faces one last time, to say goodbye and tell them how much I loved them. That didn't happened, but I was finally at peace with myself I was finally no longer in pain, I was free. 
Death is like sleeping, I've just went to sleep forever and won't be waking up but eventually I'll be joined by the ones I lost, or the ones that lost me, how ever you want to put it, I am at peace now and I am free. 
Love jade.m


© Copyright 2018 Kearak. All rights reserved.