Rich Man's Blues

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic


The cigars were terrified. There were only four of them left, Dan, Vermont, Julian and Roker. Julian was the highest ranking cigar so he was in charge. Colonel Rembrandt had been a much better commanding officer but the enemy had taken him away like the rest and he surely was dead. They all hated Julian because he was a weak, spineless, jelly fish loser and were planning a mutiny again him, if the enemy didn't get to him first. Dan felt like he should be in charge he was tougher and smarter than Julian and there was that one time (when he was drunk) see that Colonel Rembrandt told him he was like a son or something. No Julian knew nothing about respect. Dan would lead the mutiny. Vermont would flip on Julian, that he knew, but he wasn't sure on Roker. He was pretty sure he was losing his mind, which on paper sounds great for a fight but who's side was he REALLY on? hmmm mmm "what to do what to ahahahhahhhthrghhARGgGgGgGgggRARAGHARa!!!!!!!" The enemy had Dan! The rest of cigars didn't know what to do, it had all happened so fast!

What the cigars didn't know is that they were the hallucination of America's beloved billion Devon Alberta. Whenever his meds were working the best he always stopped taking them because they were working so well. If he took his meds why....he might not win the war the Ecudorians were trying to start by sending super special double agents in his cigar box. He was six feet tall and under the dirty hair and oath against shaving was a very handsome middle-aged man. He dated models, famous chefs and movie stars. For a while he was engaged to the rock star Gisele Bombardo but she couldn't put up with him saving all his toe nails and urine. "honey" he explained calmly "it's just so when the secret police CAN read my mind they won't be able to clone me silly!" That had been six months ago and he had not left the Alberta Hotel the entire time. Meals were brought to him by his loyal business partner Evan Ians. Ians was drooling at the idea Devon wasn't coming back this time and the company could finally be his. Devon liked to pretend the woman on the streaming network was Gisele and talked to the T.V. constantly. He also talked to his guns(all 56 of them) and also had a panda bear stuffed that his grandfather had shot on safari. He talked to him all the time. The cigars were getting smarter though and he knew they were plotting against him. That's when the panda began to move. It rocked back and forth and finally got on all fours and 
stared right at Devon. "You know those cigars aren't really alive Alberta... come on , you were top of your class you're not stupid. You know who's really playing games against you, that reptile Evan Ians." "yeah I know" said Devon sadly "but what is there to do?" "Well there's all those guns...they're not going to shoot themselves...." Devon reached into the back of his briefs and pulled out a luger. In his left robe pocket he had a .44. But something was off the panda was dead what was he going to get out of the bargain? Devon was 45 but was still sharp like an ice pick he could see right through people (or pandas) He thought back to his youth when he still could handle it.
His first movie about WW1 "Pilots don't Go to Hell" had been a success with both the critics and audiences. He followed it with the sword and sandal epic "I Killed Alexander the Great" but that had bombed almost ruining the studio. So Hollywood was very wary of Devon's third effort. It was called "Armed and Dangerous" it was a about a corner store owner who kills a low level gangster, who is trying to rob his store and then has the whole mob come down on him. He cast himself as the store owner just to show off. The studio told him to go fuck himself but he had funded it on his own mostly so all they were getting out of it was money for distribution. It won 9 Oscars that year including best actor and director. Devon was unstoppable his next plan though was not to work with Hollywood, he wanted to build the largest building in the world and he wanted to put his name on it. His advisors said it wasn't feasible but here he was eight years later on the top floor of the tallest building ever built in his underwear reigning over his empire like a king. He thought on it hard his next move was to run for office. He was going to have to get a hair cut which scared him more all the germs crawling everywhere (EVERYWHERE!) With short hair they could read your mind better. Anyways he would cross that bridge when he got there.....why he'd ask Evan Ians to be his running mate! He saw a goblin going where he didn't belong and fired 8 shots into the wall, what a great way to end the night!
The next day he shaved off his beard , then his whole head and then his eye brows just to be sure. Evan was going to be so proud! He put on a suit for the first time in weeks and decided to take his meds at least until he became governor or Congressman or whatever. Ians wasn't clear on what his duty was to be if he was Seconds "running mate" ...."I love your moxie kid....I really do but there isn't really a vice....mayor." "Oh OK" sparkled Devon "how about Vice-Senator?" "Um" gulped Evan Ians "lets wait until your hair grows back and your meds start working again champ!"
Filmmaking and architecture were two passions of Devon but aqua fusion was where the billions had come from. Over 75% of Americans drove cars powered by water and that number was only rising. He wasn't just a money man either. Devon had a doctorate in psychics. He himself in one of his genius thinking sprees had some how figured how to developed a system that created a water cycle in the inner workings of your car. The water evaporating then starting a mini-hurricane in the engine kept it running. All you had to do was fill your tank with tap water. Devon and his partners got so rich it was like they were a different species. He gave money to charity, but he was also obsessed with the occult and superstitious which only got worse the more time he spent by himself. 
A month later his haircut looked more presentable and he wasn't seeing or hearing things that weren't real. He found himself on LateTalk with Shrewsbury Tipper. That was where Evan planned on having him announce his candidacy for.....whatever. It was his night to shine and shine he did. "Well Tipper, it's been a great show, but I do have alliterative motive for being here" "Devon, you didn't bring any guns to my show did you?"....." just one but that's not my announcement, no I plan on running for Mayor of Los Angeles! " the audience went wild Evan Ians decided it was time to retire. And for the rest of his career Devon Alberta wore a diamond-encrusted grille and no-one could ever understand him talk again.
 
 
 


Submitted: July 05, 2022

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