With shaking limbs and an erratic gait I made a stealthy departure from the rest of the group. We had all ate the mushrooms together so how could they still walk, talk and interact so calmly? I felt animalistic, like a lone wolf, and I needed some fucking space to howl. The blue of my eyes was completely gone, conquered by dilated pupils. In their place were two black holes now capable of seeing that which the universe normally hides. There was no denying the mushrooms were working, I was in a separate reality; the Trip was underway.
The sunlight on the scenery sparkled like the bathroom in a Mr. Clean commercial. To put a number on it, I would say everything looked 15-20% better than it had that morning. I scanned the landscape for an appropriate spot to compose myself and set off towards my new habitat. Wildflowers, grasses and small shrubs grew anywhere they could find a crack in the rock. The terrain was composed of rocks every size, shape, and color. Sedimentary minerals carried south from the Canadian Shield and deposited by glaciers more than 10,000 years ago. I felt enamored by their stoic presence. The rocky shore of Lake Huron stretched about half a kilometer in until meeting the tree line. The tall conifers stood like soldiers daring me to pass by and enter their woods. Stumbling one rock to the next with the grace of a newborn calf I stopped to crouch next to a tiny pine. This modicum of shelter blocked the wind and I was comforted by the tenacity of the little tree. Skeletons of those before him lay all around us, but neither one of us mentioned his inevitable fate. This seemed as good a spot as any so I sat on the ground and tried to steady my breathing. The wind and the waves sounded like a symphony in my head, a harmonious combination of the elements. The northern Ontario landscape in all of its beauty set my senses on fire. The psychadelics in my skull made the colors and textures of the rocks ebb and flow like shadows dancing across my eyes. I ran my hands along the pockmarks in the limestone, feeling every groove and amazed at every detail. Below me ants crawled in bizarre patterns, going about their business with military intensity. I was wearing only a bathing suit and watching their movements started to make me feel like they were crawling on my pussy. I was having enough trouble trying not to piss myself and I needed to take some space from these intruders.
A mile a minute, this is when things get interesting. My physical body began to feel overwhelmingly tired, the kind of fatigue you feel in every bone. I glanced to my left and spotted a flat rock that looked like poured concrete. Century old scars adorned its grey surface, ancient memories of a shifting world. I laid down on my back and felt the weight of the gravity push my flesh onto the cold surface. I couldn’t have stood up if I tried and I briefly wondered if my internal mechanisms were shutting down. A cousin once told me that people with penicillin allergies should definitely not ingest magic mushrooms. I had always chosen to ignore this advice and luckily my thoughts were moving too quickly to dwell on imminent death.
It was at this time that my mind broke away and I was divided into two distinct halves. My human body lay safely in a physical universe. The rest of me, however, entered into a realm I have never known. I am trying to avoid using the phrase “one with nature” but sometimes a cliché is a cliché for a reason. I was stripped down. As my mind was released from the burden of a physical entity, I was able to explore my thoughts on a new level. It was as if I no longer had to worry about keeping a heartbeat or producing digestive enzymes. One hundred percent of the energy flowing into me was directed towards awareness of what was in front of me. I was so intensely present that time seemed to stand still. Not only was there no future and no past, there was no language to explain these concepts. There was only the elements and my soul’s reaction to them. These sensory reactions came from the deepest depths of my psyche. Original thought poured out of me
Now this may seem like an interesting situation, but let it be known that this is an incredibly frightening place to find oneself. I had completely lost control. My thoughts screamed for an answer to the question, “how can I feel better?” In normal reality there are tangible answers to these questions, a warm bed, a glass of water, kind words from a friend. But I was beyond physical comforts and I knew the only hope I had of making it through this trip was to explore the deepest darkest corners of my own mind. I entered a place where I unconditionally accepted there was no comfort to be found in the world. No teat to suck warm milk from. I felt absolutely, irrefutably, alone. It was as if my memories of every social construct I have ever known were erased. At that moment I was nobody’s friend, nobody’s daughter, nobody’s lover. At that moment it was only me; on that rock. A blank slate, human clay, with the capacity for everything and nothing all at the same time.
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