I should be happy. That is what everyone tells me when I try to explain my silence. When I try to explain why I hide in the shadows, when I explain why I am afraid to get close to anyone else, when I try to explain, I get shut down. No one truly cares how you get to where you are as a person anymore. They are all too busy stuck in technology to care anymore. But that is the problem, I have gone so long with my emotions pent up, with my reasons held back that I’ve lost myself.
I literally don’t recognize myself anymore. I mean I look in the mirror and recognize myself but not anywhere else. I’m not the person that I thought I would be. I was so happy when I was little. But when I got older things started to change. Yes, in ways it has made me stronger and forged me into someone who is strong enough to make it through day after day, but not without suffering through my pain. I feel too young to have as many problems as I do with myself and with the world. But I can’t help it after everything that has happened.
I guess I should explain a little bit of what has happened so you understand why I feel the way that I do. I used to be that social butterfly, the one girl that everyone knew in school. But when I hit seventh grade that all changed. I turned into this quiet girl, who never spoke unless spoken to. While I still had all those friends, I was terrified to make new friends. Grades started to drop a little for me and I started to get yelled at all the time at home. That’s when I started to lose my emotions.
I would shut off my emotions until I just couldn’t take it and when that happened I’d lose control. I would grab the nearest sharp object and drag it across my skin over and over until I could control my emotions again. The problem was this became a habit. It still is.
My sophomore year of high school, a friend finally got so scared for me that she told the school who told my parents. I was in therapy for two years, and it helped a bit but not as much as I led people to believe. When I was released from therapy I did a much better job of hiding m emotions and my scars. Sadly I still do this.
While in therapy I was diagnosed not only clinically depressed, but bi-polar, and ADHD. Those three together, well they are not fun to have put into one person. I’m on medication but there are still times where it feels like I just can’t deal.
Sadly, this all leads up to now. Just finishing my freshman year of college, seven years of depression and self-harm later, where I am on the breaking point looking for a place to go. And unsure of what lies ahead.
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