Roswell 1947 Revised Edition by Ken David Stewart

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Roswell 1947 is a play I wrote inspired by the Roswell Incident of 1947. For some reason it quickly turned into comedy.

Submitted: January 13, 2014

A A A | A A A

Submitted: January 13, 2014



Roswell 1947 an original play by Ken David Stewart

This is a fictional play that has some historical basis in the Roswell Incident of 1947. In this play Mr. Stewart wanted to write something for his class of students with psychiatric disabilities. As he could not find anything suitable to use for his drama class he decided to write his own plays. Roswell 1947 is the result. Its genre is a combination of comedy and science fiction. Mr. Stewart has fully fictionalized this account of the Roswell Incident so that none of what he has written is to be interpreted as historical fact.

Act I Scene One:

Narrator: As our play opens a group of old men are sitting on rocking chairs outside the Roswell General Store. It's getting late in the evening and and the temperature is dropping rapidly. The men are suddenly startled by an unusual sight in the sky.

Dewey: Look up yonder. What the heck is that in the sky?

Buford: I don't know. Looks like a silver disc with bright flashing lights.

Clem: Whatever it is, it's losing elevation real fast.

Dewey: I can't see it anymore it's just disappeared behind yonder hill.

Page two Narrator: In a few seconds the men hear a loud crash that sounded like thunder. The crash seemed to come from behind the hill. As they hear the sound the sky lights up like a huge orange yellow flame.

Act I Scene Two:

Narrator: We are now at the ranch of Mick Russell. His ranch is not far from the city of Roswell. It is 5 AM and Mick is suddenly stirred from a sound sleep by the unsettling noise created by his animals.

Mick: Those damn animals! It's too early for them to be up. I better get up and check out what all the commotion is all about. Narrator: Mick quickly puts on his jeans and a T-shirt walks down the hall on his way to his son's bedroom. Mick: Rob, Get up! The animals are all freaking out about something.

Rob: Ah come on Dad. I was up until three in the morning partying with my friends.

Mick: That's tough. Put on your clothes and come help your dad.

Rob: All right I'm coming. Don't get your shirt in a knot. Narrator: As soon as Mick and Rob walk about 100 yards out into the field they find out what rattled the animals. page two

Mick: What the heck? Look at all those shiny pieces of metal. Rob: Yeah, there must be hundreds of jagged pieces. The glare reflecting off the sun is almost blinding.

Mick: Where do you think all this metal came from?

Rob: It looks like something very large crashed here last night.

Mick: It's that damned Air Force Base. They're always testing some top-secret stuff over there.

Narrator: Rob picks up a few of the metal pieces and starts to examine them.

Rob: This stuff is weird Dad. It's giving me the creeps. Its so flexible it's unreal. Look Dad, I can roll a piece of this metal up until until it's a ball and it straightens itself right out again.

Narrator: Mick moves closer to Rob to get a closer look.

Mick: Look at the strange marking on this piece.

Rob It looks like Egyptian hieroglyphics.

Mick: You”re talking way over my head son. I only went up to grade 8. Don't worry though. Let's put some of this stuff in a bag. I'll take it to the sheriff tomorrow morning and see what he makes of it but you can be sure I'm also going to ask him who's going to clean up this mess on my ranch. Page three Rob: I forgot to tell you Dad. Last night we were sitting outside Dwight's place drinking beer when we saw this amazing flash of bright orange light in the sky. Then kaboom! We heard this deafening crash. Nick: What you guys probably heard and saw was the light show from the Pink Floyd concert. They were playing at Albuquerque last night.

Rob: Dad this is 1947! Rock 'n roll hasn't even been invented yet.

Mick: Oh yeah, you're right.

Narrator: Mick climbs into his old rusted pickup truck and heads for town. While he's driving Rob turns on the radio and they start listening to Rick Black's morning show.

Act One Scene Three:

Rick Black: Good morning Roswell. I just got a call from Buford, one of the old guys we see sitting outside the general store every day. He said something about seeing some weird bright lights in the sky last night. Dewey also said something about a loud crash behind a hill.

Dwight Miller, Rick's co-host: Well Rick, we all know that all those good old boys like to sit around and tell each other stories to pass the time. Let's face it. They don't have much else to do. I mean how many Carters Little Liver pills can you take in a day?

Page four

Rick: Right, or how many times can you rub Ben Gay on your old decrepit aching joints? But all the same, Buford sounded awful scared on the phone.

Dwight: Yeah, let's not forget that secret base the Air Force has in the desert.

Rick: Area 51, you mean. Yeah I've been hearing all kinds of rumors about weird experiments that they do there. . Act I Scene Four: Narrator: After approximately a half hours ride, Mick Russell arrives at the sheriff's office in the town of Roswell. He walks in and knocks on the door of Sheriff Elmer Pyle.

Sheriff Pyle: Howdy Nick? Watcha got in the bag there?

Mick: That's the thing. I don't know. That's why I'm bringing it in to you. I only know that my ranch is covered with this stuff. Narrator: Mick empties the bag on the Sheriff's desk.

Sheriff Pyle: Wow, you weren't kidding Mick. This stuff is weird. It looks and feels creepy.

Narrator: The phone on the sheriffs desk rings loudly. Clem: Elmer? It's Clem. Last night me and the boys saw a bright object shaped sort of like a triangle. It disappeared from our sight page five

and crashed somewhere beyond the hills.

Sheriff Pyle: Thanks for the information Clem. It maybe a coincidence or it may have some connection to what I'm looking at right now. I'm going to call Col. Marshall at the Air Force Base. This might be something he needs to know about.

Narrator: The sheriff hangs up the phone and then immediately phones the Air Force Base.

Sheriff Pyle: Col. Marshall? This is Sheriff Pyle. Sir, I have some strange metallic material on my desk that you might be interested in. A local rancher just brought a bag of this stuff in today. He reported that his whole ranch is covered with this stuff. I also got a phone call about a possible aircraft crash last night. I was wondering if there could be a connection between the two incidents?

Col. Marshall: That's interesting Sheriff. I'm just checking last night's logbook but there doesn't appear to be any mention of a possible crashed aircraft. However, our night shift officer told me that he got a few phone calls about seeing some strange lights in the sky last night. I'll tell you what I can do. I'm going to send our crashed aircraft specialist, Maj. Jesse Venture out to have a look at this guys ranch. There's a cold war going on and I want to know if the Soviets are flying aircraft over our base to spy on us. Thanks again for the heads up, Sheriff Pyle. Act Two Scene One:

Narrator:About 30 miles northwest of Corona New Mexico an page six

archeology professor and his students are out in the desert looking for dinosaur bones.

Michael: Professor, some harsh light is reflecting right into my eyes.

Prof. Stone: It's probably coming from that silver object embedded in the hill about 50 yards away.

Robert: Can we go see what it is, sir?

Prof. Stone: Of course. From here it looks like some kind of aircraft. Howie: Sorry sir, I forgot about my civic duty.

Prof. Stone: It's okay son. We all have our weak moments. Michael: Over here guys. Check out what's on the other side of this craft. Chris: I don't believe it. There's two little men in silver suits just outside the craft.

Prof. Stone: I'm not so sure they're human. Look at their unusually large heads and tiny bodies.

Howard: Whatever they are, they're not doing too good right now. I can't get a pulse on either one of these guys.

Michael: We probably can't help those two, but let's see if there's anyone still alive inside the craft.

Narrator: Robert pries open the door of the cockpit with a crowbar. When he looks inside he sees two little creatures slumped into their seats. Chris gives one of the strange creatures in the silver suit a shake.

Chris: This little guys is as dead as the two outside the spacecraft.

Howie: Not this one though. Look his arm is trembling.

Robert: Howie is right. He's still alive but he's struggling to breathe.

Narrator: It isn't long before a fire truck and ambulance arrive from behind the hill. A firefighter and paramedic get out of their vehicles.

Otis: You're right Frank. It's a plane crash all right.

Frank: Wow! What a mess. Hello boys. Did you find any survivors?

Prof. Stone: There appears to be only one survivor. Robert and Howie are both trying to get him out of the cockpit right now. Chris: Wow! Two trained professionals to the rescue.

Otis: Well now, we're not real firefighters and paramedics. We're only volunteers. The mayor is too cheap to hire real professionals.

Frank: Don't worry boys. Otis here is real good with a fire hose. And me I watch ER on t.v. all the time. I should also mention that I passed grade ten biology before I dropped out of high school.

Howie: Well that's good enough for me. This little guy is having a real hard time breathing. Can you guys help him?

Otis: Woah! This guy is weird! What do you think he is?

Professor Stone: I'll give you my professional opinion later. This poor creature requires immediate medical attention.

Frank: I'll go get the oxygen tank out of the ambulance.

Otis: Frank, while you are there take the Jack Daniel's out of the glove compartment. We''ll give the creature a couple of belts for the pain.

Narrator: The alien gratefully takes a shot of Jack Daniels and then takes some deep breaths off the oxygen machine. After the space creature is breathing well on his own, Otis and Frank help him walk to the ambulance. Just as they are opening the door for their patient, a military jeep drives up and a five star general gets out.

General Kane: Now hold it right there boys. Turn your patient over to me.

Frank: Sir, this creature needs to see a doctor immediately. We are going to take him to Roswell Hospital. Page eight

Gen. Kane: What! Are you boys hard of hearing? The creature is now the property of the United States Air Force.

Prof. Stone: Now hold on, General. This poor creature is not your prisoner. He needs immediate medical attention.

Gen. Kane: Is that so? Hey, I know you. You're that goofy professor I saw on the Discovery Channel last night. You're the old geezer who went out hunting for dinosaur bones. Now listen up, egghead. You and your students didn't see anything unusual out here today. You saw nothing and you heard nothing. In fact, as far as you're concerned today never happened. If you people tell anyone about the crashed spacecraft or these aliens, they'll be looking for your bones in the desert by morning. Do I make myself clear?

Professor Stone: Perfectly clear sir. Your secret is safe with us.

Act II Scene Two:

Narrator: After Mick Russel leaves the sheriff's office he is feeling a little thirsty. He decides to stop in at Dusty's Tavern. He carries his bag in with him.

Dusty the Bartender: Howdy, Mick. What you got there in the bag?

Narrator: As Mick is about to open his bag and spill the contents on the barroom counter, he turns to see Lloyd the Barber sitting beside him.

Mick: Hey, aren't you Lloyd the Barber from the Andy Griffin Show.

Lloyd: The one and only. Let's see what you got there in the bag, buddy.

Narrator: Mick dumps the contents of the bag on the table. Mick: Hey Lloyd, how are Aunt Bee and Obie doing?

Lloyd: Look man, this is the way it is. There is no Obie and there is no Aunt Bee. It's just a TV show. It's not real, man.

Mick: I know that. You think I'm stupid or something?

Lloyd: Ah, I'm just messing with you, man. Why don't you show us what's in your bag and I'll buy you a beer.

Mick: Well for a free beer I guess I can empty my bag and tell you where I found this stuff.

Narrator: Mick empties the bag of metallic material on the barroom table.

Floyd: Wow! Look at this stuff. Is this stuff weird or what?

Mick: Just watch this.

Narrator: Mick roles a piece of the metal up into a ball. It rolls out perfectly straight.

Dusty: Wow, I've never seen metal do that before.

Mick: That's nothing! Watch this. Dusty, lend me your hammer.

Narrator: Mick hits the metal with the hammer as hard as he can. There isn't a mark left on the metal.

Dusty: Where you get this metal Mick?

Mick: I found this stuff scattered all over my ranch this morning.

Lloyd: Buddy, you really got yourself something there. For all we know it could be pieces of a crashed flying saucer we've all been hearing about. My advice to you is to take your bag of weird metal right down to the radio station and tell them your story right now!

Mick: You think that's a good idea, Lloyd?

Lloyd: You bet it's a good idea. From what I hear there's a big reward for anyone who has evidence of a real flying saucer.

Mick: Then I'm off to the radio station. Thanks for the tip, Lloyd. Say hi to Obie and Aunt Bee for me.

Narrator: Mick quickly puts the metal pieces back in the bag and almost runs to the Roswell radio station.

Act Two Scene Three:

Narrator: Mick rushes right into the control room at the radio station. The two DJs, Rick and Dwight are still on the air.

Mick: You guys want to see what those old guys at the general store were all talking about?

Rick: Listeners, we will be right back after an important message from our sponsors.

Narrator: As Rick and Dwight take off your headphones, Mick lays his bag of strange metal on the announcer’s desk..

Rick: What in the bag, Mick?

Mick: It may be from a flying saucer that crashed on my ranch last night.

Dwight: Rick! This is the scoop of the century!

Rick: I know and we”ll be the broadcasters who first broke the story.

Dwight: Rick, we”ll be invited on the Larry King show! Page fourteen

Rick: Easy! Dwight!

Rick: Welcome back, loyal listeners. We've got a very special guest on today's show, rancher Mick Russell.

Dwight: That's right listeners. Mick has an amazing story to tell us. Mick, tell us what you found on your ranch last night, buddy.

Mick: Well, I think one of them flying saucers they been talking about on the news crashed on my ranch last night.

Narrator: Mick dumps the bag with the metal pieces on Rick and Dwight's desk.

Narrator: Just as Mac starts telling his story General Kane turns up the radio in his army truck.

General Kane: What's that rancher talking about? Private, get this vehicle to the radio station on the double! We got to shut this cowboy up before he starts a national panic.

Private Enns: Don't worry sir. I'll have us there in a flash.

Act II Scene Four:

Narrator: While Rick and Dwight are doing their interview with Mick Russell, General Kane smashes the glass window in the control room. Private Enns kicks in the door.

Rick: What's the meaning of this?! We're on the air!

Page fifteen

Narrator: Ignoring the two radio broadcasters, General Kane and Private Enns grab Mick by the arms and hustle him out of the radio station. They throw Mick in the back of the army truck.

Rick: I would just like to let the people of Roswell New Mexico know that Mick Russell has just been hauled out of our control room by two military officers. I thought that we had freedom of speech in this country. Dwight Yes, loyal listeners, this is indeed a sad day for the American people.

Narrator: Private Enns locked the door of the army truck. Mick is sitting in the pitch black dark near the back of the truck. Mick can't see anyone but he hears labored breathing and the moaning as if someone is in terrible pain. Mick is trembling and is drenched in sweat.

Mick: Who is in here? Man, it smells awful in here and I feel like I'm going to puke.

Act Two Scene Five:

Narrator: After a long bumpy ride the Army truck stops in front of the Roswell Hospital. Private Enns unlocks the doors of the truck and helps Mick out of the back.

Mick: What you guys doing to me?

General Kane: Shut up Russell. Private Enns, I'll take the survivi alien into the hospital. You bring Russell in. We”ll get some of the orderlies to carry in the bodies of the dead aliens.

Narrator: Mick turns around and sees the living alien getting hooked up to an oxygen tank. Mick: What the heck is that?! Am I in some kind of Stephen King novel?

Narrator: General Kane pushes through the hospital doors while bringing the surviving alien inside. Pvt. Enns is right behind him with Mick in handcuffs.

General Kane: Nurse! Give Mr. Russell, here a shot of grade A horse tranquilizer. He's having a real bad day and I want him to take a nap. And call some orderlies for me. I need them to unload some bodies from our army truck.

Nurse Carrie: Right away, General!

Narrator Nurse Carrie calls for some orderlies over the intercom. As the orderlies arrive Nurse Carrie gives them their instructions. She tells Mick to lower his trousers and gives him a shot in the backside.

In a few seconds Mick slumped to the floor. Two orderlies lift Mick onto a stretcher.

General Kane: Orderlies, stick this man in a storage room. After I take care of business here I'm taking him back to the Air Force Base

page seventeen

for interrogation.

Narrator: While all the commotion is going on in the reception room Dr. Zorba passes by and sees the living alien slumped in a chair taking deep breaths from his oxygen mask.

Dr. Zorba: Nurse, bring this man into the operating room immediately. I'll have to work fast to save his life.

Narrator: Nurse Carrie and an orderly help put the alien on a table in the operating room.

Dr. Zorba: This is bizarre. I can hear this creature's voice in my head but he's not speaking.

Nurse Carrie: What's he telling you doctor?

Dr. Zorba: The creature says that he is very frightened and that he doesn't want to die. He's telling me the exact medicine he needs to restore him to health. He says that his name is Commander Zig and that he comes from a planet millions of light-years from our solar system.

Nurse Carrie: He's trying to communicate with me too. He says that the last thing he remembers is colliding with another spacecraft. He says that he means us no harm. Narrator: General Kane rushes into the operating room.

Page eighteen

Commander Zig (communicating telepathically) Doctor, this man frightens me.

General Kane: Well, what's the verdict Doc? Can you save this thing or not?

Dr. Zorba: Well, first of all, General he's not a thing. He's a highly evolved intelligent being from another universe. He says he means us no harm. In fact, he is very afraid of you.

General Kane: You didn't answer my question. Will he live?

Dr. Zorba: Yes, he was just explaining to me what treatment he needs when you came barging into the operating room.

General Kane: Are you telling me that the alien can speak English?

Act Three Scene One:

Narrator: Act Three takes place at the Roswell Funeral Home. Dennis, the new town mortician, is busy getting a client ready for tomorrow's funeral. He is startled by the ringing of his phone..

General Kane: Dennis, this is General Kane from the Air Force Base. Listen, Dennis I need four child sized funeral caskets as soon as possible. Do you have any in stock?

Dennis: I have two small caskets sir.

General Kane: I need four Dennis. Can you build me two more this

page nineteen


Dennis: Well, this is kind of short notice sir. I have to run over to the general store before it closes at six. I”ll need to buy lumber, nails, a hammer, saw, a tape measure and some paint.

General Kane: Good. And while you're there picked me up a few pepperoni sticks and a pack of White Owl cigars.

Dennis: I'm a little pressed for time now, sir. I just started preparing a body for his funeral tomorrow. I reckon it'll take about six hours to finish the job.

General Kane: Dennis, are you certain this guy is dead?

Dennis Yeah, as far as I can tell.

General Kane So what does he care if you bury him tomorrow or later in the week? He's probably not in any hurry now is he?

Dennis: Well, I suppose not.

General Kane: Well, I am in a hurry, Dennis! I want those caskets delivered to the hospital by eight o'clock this evening. Get to the general store on the double, Dennis!

Dennis: I'm leaving right now General. Oh by the way sir, who are the small caskets for? Was there an accident involving small children? Page twenty

General Kane: Don't ask any questions Dennis. You'll get further orders when you arrive at the hospital. And remember to get my pepperoni sticks and cigars.

Dennis [to himself] Something doesn't make sense here. Usually they ask me to get the bodies prepared before they ask for caskets. And surely, someone would've told me about an accident involving small children. Well, I better get to the store first and try to figure this out later.

Act III Scene Two:

Narrator: After a couple hours of drugged sleep Mick wakes up in the storage room at the hospital. He still feels woozy from the effects of the tranquilizer.

Mick: Where am I? Those fascists must have stuck me in the janitor's room. There's nothing but brooms, mops and pails in here. Hold on. I see a window.

Narrator: Max stumbles over to the window. He picks up a step ladder and smashes the glass out of the window. He runs to the back lane about a block from the hospital. As a groggy Mac wobbles down the lane two dog catchers from town are having a smoke break in their truck. They see Mick stumbling down the lane.

Harvey, the dog catcher: Hoss, look at that guy. He's wasted out of his mind.

Hoss, the assistant dogcatcher: Hey buddy, come over here. You look

page twenty-one

like you could use some help.

Mick: You're right about that! Firstly I get kidnapped by two Air Force guys who throw me in the back of a truck with aliens. Then they take me to a hospital where a nurse shoots me up with horse tranquilizer. That I pass out and wake up in the janitors closet of the hospital. I broke the glass in the window in the janitor's room and made a run for it.

Harvey: Ha Ha Ha! That's the goofiest story I've ever heard.

Hoss: This guys hallucinating really bad. We need to get him to hospital right away.

Harvey: You're right, Hoss. He's probably been out in the hot summer sun too long. He's probably got the heatstroke.

Narrator: When Hoss goes to grab Mick, his keys fall out of his pocket and land on the ground. Mick picks the keys up and opens the back door of the truck. Mick then grabs the leash of an angry Rottweiller, unhooks the collar and releases the dog.

Harvey: Hoss, run for your life! That big mean Rottie's loose!

Narrator: The angry Rottie chases Hoss down the lane. The two dogcatchers see a big blue dumpster, climb in it and shut the lid.

Harvey: Ah man, it reeks in here.

Page twenty-two

Hoss: I don't care. I'm staying here until I'm sure the Rotties's gone.

Narrator: Mick starts up the dog catchers' truck and heads for town.

Mick: I've got to get back to the radio station. I got an even better story to tell them now.

Act Three Scene Three:

Narrator: Zeke, the hospital custodian, runs up to General Kane.

Zeke: The guy we locked up in the store room broke the window and escaped!

General Kane: Enns get in the truck. We've got to catch that rancher before he starts shooting his mouth off again.

Narrator: Enns and Kane start riding down the back lane. They stop when they see the two dogcatchers climbing out of the dumpster.

Private Enns: Look, General. The city makes those poor dogcatchers hunt for dogs in the dumpster.

General Kane: I doubt that Enns. Roswell city employees have a union.

Private Enns: Maybe the dog catchers aren't included in the union contract.

General Kane: What the heck are you guys doing in the dumpster? Page twenty-three

Just look at you guys all covered in garbage. You're a disgrace to the uniform!

Private Enns: I thought city employees made good money. You guy shouldn't have to scrounge around for food in the dumpster.

Hoss: We're not looking for food. A large Rottweiler chased us into the dumpster. General Kane: Men, it's your job to catch dogs, not run away from them!

Harvey: Well there's a whole other side to this story. You tell them what happened, Hoss.

Hoss: Well, it's kind of a long story. We were sitting in the truck having our smoke break when we seen this guy stumbling down the back lane.

Harvey: Yeah, this guy tells us this goofy story about escaping from the hospital. He said two military guys kidnapped him and threw him in the back of a truck with a bunch of aliens.

Hoss: Ha ha! And then he says something about a nurse giving him a shot of horse tranquilizer in the backside.

Private Enns: They're talking about Mick, General.

General Kane: I know. So where's this guy now?

Page twenty-four

Private Enns: Yeah. And don't you guys have a truck or something to put the dogs in when you catch them?

General Kane: They don't need one. The dogs all chase them into the dumpster. Ha ha ha!

Harvey: Look General, this is no laughing matter. The guy drove off with our truck.

Private Enns: I don't get it. There's two of you against one of him.

Hoss Well it's kind of a long story. You tell them, Harvey.

Harvey: Well, while Hoss and I were trying to pull this guy into the truck, the keys fall out of Hoss's pants The guy grabbed the keys and let the Rottweiler out the back of the truck.

General Kane: Now let me guess, and then the dog chased you guys into the dumpster.

Hoss: Yeah, that's pretty much the way it happened.

Private Enns: You guys are hilarious. You're funnier than Lloyd the Barber on the Andy Griffin Show. You guys should go tell your story on Rick and Dwight's radio show.

General Kane: I have a feeling that's where Mick is right now.

Act Four Scene One:

page twenty-five

Narrator: General Kane and Private Enns pull up in front of the radio station and see the dogcatcher's truck. For the second time in one day the military break down the door to the control room.

Mick: Well, like I was saying, these two army guys kidnapped me and threw me in the back of their truck. I rode in the back with three dead aliens and one live one. They took me to the hospital where a nurse gave me a shot of horse tranquilizer in the butt. Woah ! Help me! The Army guys are back!

Rick: Listeners, I'd like to report that two military men have kidnapped Mick Russell for the second time today.

Dwight: Yeah, and right when he was getting to the good part of the story. If Mick escapes again and comes back this evening we won't have time for him on our show.

Rick: That's right Dwight. Were scheduled to do an interview with Lloyd the Barber from the Andy Griffin Show.

Dwight: Hang on. I think we have a caller on the line.

Lloyd the Barber: You guys better not cancel my interview. You think your listeners want to hear some bozo go on about flying saucers, aliens and some goofball getting a shot of horse tranquilizer in the backside? Don't you think they'd rather hear an exclusive interview with a great actor like Lloyd the Barber instead?

Rick: Probably not. But don't worry Lloyd. Your interview is still on for this evening. Page twenty-six

Act Seven Scene Three:

Narrator: Harvey and Hoss, the to dogcatcher start walking back to town down and in about 30 minutes they make it back into the downtown area of Roswell.

Harvey: Look, Hoss. There's our truck parked outside the radio station. I bet the yahoo that stole it is inside the radio station right now.

Narrator: Harvey grabs a large piece of wood and uses a battering ram against the radio station store. The two dog catchers fall over and roll onto the carpet of the radio station.

Rick: Hey you goofs! Have you ever heard of doorknobs and turning the handle first?

Dwight: Rick, look at our station! Now we have splinters of wood to go with all of broken glass. Everybody who comes to the station is trying to destroy the place.

Harvey: Don't get your shirt in a knot Dwight. Just send the repair bills over to City Hall. The City of Roswell will reimburse you for all the damage.

Hoss: Yeah, we're dog catchers here on official city business. Some guy stole our truck. He's got to be in here.

Harvey: Right, we were trying to take the guy to the hospital and he repays us by stealing our truck. Page twenty-seven

Rick: Well, he's not here now.

Dwight: A few minutes ago we had our special guest Mick Russell on the air. He just starting telling our listeners about how he was kidnapped by the Air Force and thrown in the back of a truck with a bunch of dead aliens.

Harvey: Did he say that he got a shot of horse twice tranquilizer in the butt when they took him inside the hospital?

Rick: How did you know?

Hoss: Because this Mick Russell is the guy who stole our truck.

Harvey: Where is Mick now? He's got the keys to our truck.

Dwight: Who knows? The same two Air Force guys kidnapped him again while he was on the air for the second time today.

Rick: Yeah, twice in one day. That boy is having a real bad day.

Dwight: You think Mick's having a bad day? Poor baby. How about us? Our radio station is been trashed twice today.

Hoss: So where do you think the Air Force guys took Mick?

Rick: Well, there are two possibilities. One is that they took him back to the Air Force Base for questioning. The other is they took him out to the desert to shoot him.

Page twenty-eight

Dwight, Rick. The Air Force wouldn't take Mick out into the desert to shoot him.

Rick: Have you ever heard of Hiroshima, Dwight?

Dwight: Oh, yeah. I see what you're saying.

Rick: That's the reason that I'm the lead broadcaster and you're my assistant.

Dwight: I didn't know that. I always thought it was because you married the owner's daughter.

Harvey: Come on, Hoss. We've got to get the keys to the truck back. We'll go to the Air Force Base first. If Mick's not there then we'll search the desert for him.

Hoss: One problem, Harv. How do we get out to the desert?

Harvey: We''ll go to the compound and get your car.

Hoss: But what if our supervisor recognizes us?

Dwight: Look you guys, there's some cartoon character costumes in our storage room. Feel free to use those as disguises.

Narrator: Hoss dresses up as Elmer Fudd and Harvey dons the Yosemite Sam costume. As Harvey and Hoss leave the radio station Rick and Dwight are laughing so hard that tears are running down their cheeks. Page thirty

left you because you were losing too much money on the ranch. So you start drowning your sorrows at Dusty's Tavern. You decided to get yourself some attention by telling the flying saucer story. Page thirty

Mick: No way! I'll be the laughing stock of the town!

General Kane: Would you rather spend the next 20 years in the brig?

Mick: Of course not.

General Kane: Here's the deal, Mick. You tell the story we just told you and you”ll find yourself the proud owner of a spanking new 1947 Ford truck. Let's just say it's compensation for all the rough treatment we've been giving you.

Mick: Woo-hoo!! A new Ford truck! It's a deal. They won't be laughing long when they see me cruising around in my new truck.

Page thirty-one

Private Enns: You're smarter than we gave you credit for Mick.

Act Five Scene One:

Narrator: Dennis the mortician, has finished loading all the small caskets in the hearse. He drives to the Roswell hospital and walks right through the front entrance. Dennis sees a nurse he knows running toward him.

Nurse Jane: Dennis, get out of here quickly before someone sees you. No one can see you here. I'll call you later tonight.

Narrator: Just as Dennis turns around to answer Nurse Carrie, two burly hospital security guards, Jim and Sean, grab Dennis by the arms and escort him to the parking lot.

Dennis: Let me go! What's the meaning of this?!

Jim, the security guard: Look buddy, we have orders to toss out anyone who doesn't belong here.

Dennis: I'm Dennis Morris, the mortician. The General told me to meet him here.

Narrator: Just then General Kane pulls up in his jeep.

General Kane: He's telling the truth men. Release him immediately. Dennis Have you got the four coffins I ordered?

Page thirty-two

Dennis: Yes sir. They're in the back of the hearse.

General Kane: Good. Okay, security guards, start unloading the hearse on the double.

Spike: Sir, unloading the hearse is not part of our job.

General Kane: How would you boys like to eat a live grenade instead?

Sean: Well, if you put it that way, General I guess we can make an exception in this case.

General Kane: That's a wise decision boys. Dennis, did you get my cigars and pepperoni sticks?

Dennis: Oh no! I was so busy that I forgot all about them

General Kane: Do you have any idea how hungry I am, Dennis? I”ve been so busy dealing with idiot dog catchers and loud mouth ranchers that I missed my lunch and supper. Jim, there's a Burger King and a 7-11 in Corona about 30 miles from here. Get in your car and bring me three double whoppers with cheese and two large French fries at Burger King. Then head over to 7-Eleven and pick me up a pack of White Owls and 10 pepperoni sticks.

Jim: Sir, we have strict orders from our supervisor not to leave the hospital grounds for any reason.

Page thirty-three

General Kane: Jim, from now on, you take your orders from me. Get the lead out! I'm starving!

Jim: Aye aye, sir.

Narrator: Jim gets in his old beater of a car and heads for Corona.

General Kane: Good work Dennis. Your job is done here. You can go home now.

Dennis: Thank you sir.

Act Five Scene Two:

Narrator: Dennis drives back to the funeral home. He is still thinking about what is going on at the hospital. When he gets back to the funeral home he immediately resumes work on the body lying on the table.

Dennis (to himself) If I put on a pot a coffee I might be able to stay awake until three o'clock in the morning. I should be finished with my client by then. That way I won't need to postpone his funeral. I can have his body ready by tomorrow.

Narrator: Just as Dennis gets back to work on the body he hears his phone insistently.

Nurse Jane: Dennis, I got to talk to you right now. Meet me at Dusty's Tavern in twenty minutes. I'm afraid someone might be page thirty-four

listening in on our call.

Dennis: Calm down, Jane. I'm leaving for Dusty's right now. Something very weird is going on and I think you might have some of the answers.

Narrator: Dennis jumps in his car and drives to Dusty's Tavern. It only takes him about 10 min. to get drive there. Dennis enters Dusty's and sees Jane waving to him from the back of the bar. Lloyd the Barber is still sitting at the front of the bar.

Dusty: Aren't you supposed to be on Rick Black's radio show tonight?

Floyd: Well I'm scheduled to be. You know what Dusty? I shouldn't even show up at the station tonight for my interview.

Dusty: Why not Lloyd? I thought you liked Rick and Dwight's show?

Floyd: I used to. But now they've turned it into a third rate Jerry Springer show. They had this guy on this afternoon talking about riding with aliens in the back of an Army truck. I tell you, man, that show is going to the dogs.

Dusty: That's why they need you to go on the show tonight. You might be able to get some credibility back for them.

Lloyd: You're probably right, Dusty. I don't want to disappoint my fans. But it better go better than last month's interview. All they all page thirty-five

they did was ask how I liked working with Andy Griffin, Garney Fife, Aunt Bee and Obie. They didn't want to know anything about the real star of the show, Lloyd the Barber.

Dusty: Well Lloyd, Andy, Garney, Aunt Bee and Obie are all pretty popular here in Roswell.

Floyd: I will never understand why. Dusty. Let me tell you, those people can't act worth a hill of beans. Most people don't know this but Andy can't even remember his lines. Half the time I have to hide behind Aunt Bee's sofa and whisper Andy his lines. Without Lloyd the Barber on the show the Andy Griffin show would be a off the network in under a week.

Narrator: While Lloyd is talking he looks up at the big mirror beside Dusty. He sees Dennis and Jane sitting on a table near the back of the bar.

Floyd: Hey Dusty, who is that guy sitting with Jane?

Dusty: Didn't you used to go out with that nurse?

Floyd: Yeah, she and I were together for nearly two years. We broke up just last month. I always suspected she was seeing another guy.

Dusty: Well, the guy sitting next to her is named Dennis. He's the town's new mortician. He seems like a nice enough guy.

Page thirty-six

Lloyd: I don't care what kind of guy he is. I need to find out if Jane is going out with this guy, but I don't want her to see me.

Dusty: I've got an idea. See that big rubber palm tree near the entrance to the bar?

Lloyd: Yeah, I see it.

Dusty: Okay, listen up. You're skinny enough to make this work. I want you to hide behind the palm tree. Lift it up and walk very slowly behind the plant a few steps in time. Get as close as you can to their table until you can hear them talking.

Lloyd: Great idea Dusty. Thanks a million, buddy.

Dusty: Any time, Lloyd.

Narrator: Lloyd gets behind the palm tree and start slowly creeping towards Jane's table by moving his feet just a few inches of a time. In about ten minutes Lloyd is close enough to hear Jane and Denis talking.

Nurse Jane: It was just horrible Dennis. Dr. Kilder told me to go to operating room number six. I went in and saw three surgeons all crowded around the operating table. I didn't recognize any of them. I think they were all from the Mayo Clinic. I also remember seeing two photographers in the room. One was taking still pictures while the other one was using a 16mm film camera. At first I couldn't see who was on the operating table. Then I was almost overcome by a nauseating foul odor in the room. Page thirty-seven

Dennis: Was it anything like the smell of the boys locker room at Roswell High School after they ate a pork and beans supper?

Page thirty-seven

Jane: No, not quite that bad. More like the restroom at Moe's Garage.

Dennis: Woah! That is bad. My stomach is feeling queasy just thinking about.

Jane: That's exactly what happened to me. After a few minutes I had to run to the bathroom to vomit. Before I did, one of the doctors moved out of the way and I saw the creature on the operating table..

Dennis: Creature? What creature? Why would they treat an animal in a hospital for people?

Jane: It wasn't an animal or a human being. It was short with a large gray head. It had enormous eyes. The doctors cut open its skin and were taking out its body parts. What was really weird was that I didn't see any blood coming from the creature. The doctors told me this was a top-secret medical examination and I was never to tell anyone I saw the autopsy.. They said that if I ever did, no one would ever see or hear from me again.

Dennis: This is unbelievable. You said the creature was short?

Jane Yes. He would be around three to four feet tall.

Dennis: About the same size as a small child? Page thirty-eight

Jane: Yes, I'll draw a picture of it on this napkin for you as long as you destroy it right after you look at it.

Narrator: Lloyd had been listening very intently to this conversation from behind the rubber palm tree. As Jane draws the sketch of the alien on the napkin, Lloyd copies it on the sleeve of his white shirt.

Jane: Dennis, isn't that palm tree supposed to be near the front entrance of the bar? Dennis: Yeah, that's where it usually is. I guess Dusty must have moved it for some reason.

Narrator: While Dennis is talking, Jane lights the napkin on fire and let's it burn out in the ashtray.

Jane: We've got to leave now, Dennis. I don't want anyone to know that we had this conversation.

Narrator: Dennis and Jane sneak out the back door of the bar.

Lloyd: (to himself) I don't believe it. That rancher I heard on the radio was telling the truth! Well, I'm on my way to the radio station. I'm about to give Rick and Dwight the best interview the show ever had.

Act Six Scene One:

Narrator: This scene takes place at the Roswell city compound. Ross, the supervisor is pacing restlessly around the office. He keeps page thirty-nine

looking up at the clock.

Ross: Will, are all the trucks back? I want to get out of here and get away for the long weekend.

Will: All the city vehicles are back except for the dog catchers vehicle.

Ross: You mean Harvey and Hoss aren't back yet?

Will: Well, I haven't seen them or their truck since they left the compound this morning.

Ross: I can't imagine those guys working any longer than they absolutely have to try to catch a dog.

Will: Maybe they're trying to beat their old record. They caught one dog last year.

Ross: Yeah, I remember. Last summer Hoss left a cheeseburger in the back of the van. An old scruffy mutt climbed into the back of the van to get it.

Will: Then Hoss came back looking for his cheeseburger, saw the dog and locked the door.

Ross: That's what really happened but to hear those guys tell the story you'd think they caught a Siberian tiger. Still, I'm baffled. Those guys are usually clocked out and drinking their first beer at Dusty's Tavern by this time. Page forty

Will: Quick Ross, look out the window. Someone's trying to break into Hoss's car.

Ross: Who would want to steal that pile of junk?

Will: Two real weirdos that's who. One guy's dressed up like Elmer Fudd and the other guy looks like Yosemite Sam.

Ross: Holy cow! You're right. Quick grab a shovel from the tool shed and run those guys off the property.

Will: That wouldn't be such a good idea. The last time I watched Bugs Bunny cartoons Elmer Fudd was carrying a rifle.

Ross: Yeah I saw that show too. Elmer uses a big rifle to hunt down Bugs Bunny. And didn't Yosemite Sam have a pistol in each hand?

Will: Yeah, Smith and Wessons. I don't want to mess with those two guys.

Ross: Yeah, on second thought you better stay inside. I'll call Sheriff Pyle on this one.

Will: Maybe we should call the National Guard, Boss.

Ross: Get a grip Will. They're only cartoon characters.

Narrator: While Ross phones Sheriff Pyle, Hoss and Harvey drive off in the car.

Page forty-one

Act Six Scene Two:

Narrator: Back at the hospital Dr. Zorba and General Kane are engaged in a heated argument about what to do with the alien, Captain Zig. Nurse Carrie runs into the room next door and grabs a bedpan from under at elderly gentleman. When she returns she throws the contents of the bedpan in General Kane's face.

General Kane: Arghh!! You people are going to pay for this!

Narrator: Before General Kane is finished speaking Dr. Zorba winds up and lays the general out with a round house right.

Captain Zig: (communicating telepathically) Nurse, pull the covers off the air vent.

Narrator: While Dr. Zorba is putting the sharpshooter on General Kane, Nurse Carrie pulls the cover off the air vent. Quick as a flash the alien crawls through the hole and enters the crawlspace.

Capt. Zig: Thank you nurse. I'm going to look for the medical supply room.

Nurse Carrie: Keep going right. It's three doors down from here.

Capt. Zig: Ah ha! As soon as I get to the medical supply room I'll find the medications I need to save my life.

Act Seven Scene One:

page forty-two

Narrator: We are just outside the door of the Roswell radio station. Lloyd the Barber is staggering down the sidewalk after spending all afternoon drinking beer at Dusty's Tavern. He starts pounding on what he thinks is the radio station door.

Lloyd: Hey Rick, Dwight. I'm here for my interview.

Dwight: You're pounding on air, Floyd. The doors all busted on the ground. The dog catchers used a battering ram to come in.

Floyd: That's pretty cool. I saw John Wayne do that in one of his movies.

Rick: Good evening loyal listeners. We've had quite a day at the radio station.

Dwight: You can say that again. We had two interviews with Mick Russell and both times the military busted in and kidnapped him.

Rick: And it's not over yet. Were going to finish off today's broadca with an exclusive interview with Lloyd the Barber from the Andy Griffin show.

Rick: Well Lloyd, how was work on the set today?

Lloyd: I didn't go to work today. I phoned in sick.

Dwight: Well I guess you need a break from all the excitement. I mean working on the same set with Andy Griffin and all.

Page forty three

Lloyd: Are you kidding? It's more exciting counting the tiles on my linoleum floor.

Rick: How can you say that Lloyd?

Lloyd: Because it's the bloody truth. Your listeners have the right to know. Andy Griffin is a dim witted old fool. I mean the guy can't even remember his lines for the show.

Dwight: That's not true Lloyd. I hear Andy say his lines every week on t.v. Lloyd: That's only because I'm hiding behind Aunt Bee's sofa whispering his lines to him.

Rick: Who would've thought it? We've got a caller on the line that sounds just like Andy Griffin.

Andy Griffin: This is Andy Griffin, you moron. I want you to get that loser Lloyd the Barber off the air immediately. He's drunk as a skunk. He's been drinking at Dusty's Saloon all afternoon.

Dwight: How do you know that, Andy?

Andy: Because I was watching him from the back of the bar. Lloyd was so drunk that he had a hold onto a rubber palm tree to keep from falling flat his face.

Rick: You sound like you had a few drinks yourself yourself today, Andy.

Page forty-four

Andy: This show is slandering my reputation. First Dwight says that I'm too stupid to remember my lines and then Rick is telling people that I have a drinking problem.

Dwight: Well, you know what they say Andy, if the shoe fits wear it.

Andy: That does it! I'm coming down to the station right now to teach you guys some manners.

Page sixty

Rick (hanging up the phone) : Well listeners that's about all we need to hear from Andy Griffin this evening.

Lloyd: What's with you guys? I came here to tell your listeners some very important information. I didn't come here to talk about some washed up actor like Andy Griffin. I'm here to tell your listeners that every word Mick Russell said is true and I can prove it.

Dwight: How are you going to prove it, Lloyd?

Lloyd: Just shut up for a minute and I'll tell you. When I was in Dusty's Tavern I overheard Nurse Carrie and Dennis the mortician talking. Nurse Carrie said that she was in an operating room at the hospital while a surgical team was performing an autopsy on a creature from outer space. Look, I copied down a picture of it on the sleeve of my shirt.

Narrator: Lloyd moved towards the two radio announcers to let them get a better look at the picture that he drew on his sleeve.

Dwight: Whoa! This is cool dude. Lloyd, you are the man!

Rick: Let' see. I'm looking at the picture now. The creature has an enormous head with large oval eyes. It's probably only about three or four feet tall by the looks of it. It's skin color appears to be a blend of gray and green.

Lloyd: No, that's a mistake on my drawing. While I was shading in the gray with a pencil I had to sneeze. I didn't have any Kleenex so I had to wipe my nose on my sleeve. Page sixty-one

Rick: So does that mean its skin color is all gray?

Floyd: Yes, that's how Nurse Carrie described it.

Dwight: What else did the nurse say Lloyd?

Floyd: She said there were two men with cameras in the room and that they were taking pictures during the autopsy.

Rick: Keep going Lloyd. Did she say anything else?

Floyd: Yeah, she said that there was a terrible odor in the operating room sort of like the smell in the restroom at Moe's Garage.

Dwight: That's disgusting. A couple of weeks ago I was there. I was on my way home from work when I had a bad case of the runs. I had no choice but to use Moe's washroom. I thought of going behind a big cactus in the desert but I was too scared of scorpions, rattlesnakes and tarantulas.

Rick: You said enough ,Dwight. Our listeners don't need to hear any more details. Most of them are probably eating their dinner now. Go on, Lloyd.

Floyd: Well, like I was saying the smell in the operating room was so bad that Nurse Carrie had to run outside to vomit.

Rick: Hold on. We have another caller on the line. I think it's Mick Russell.

Page sixty-two

Mick Russell: Yeah, this is Mick Russell. Will you guys shut up? I just took a bite out of my triple patty cheeseburger when I turned on the radio. I hear you guys talking about diarrhea, vomiting and the horrible stench in Moe's washroom. I immediately tossed my cheeseburger out the window.

Dwight: What a waste Mick! You should have given it to your dog, Chopper.

Mick: Don't worry about it. Chopper just ran out the back door to go look for it.

Rick: Mick, now that we've got you on the line what do you make of the story that Lloyd just told us?

Mick: Look, you guys, I got offers to tell my story on the Larry King Show. So you're not going to get any more free information from me. Have a good night boys.

Dwight: We've got another call coming in, Rick. It's Moe Jenkins, the owner of Moe's Garage.

Moe: Look Dwight. I don't need you guys telling your listeners that my washroom is dirty and smells bad.

Dwight: When was the last time you cleaned it Moe?

Moe: I just cleaned it last month.

Rick: Moe, how many customers do you figure use your washroom page sixty-four

Yeah, Mick has the keys to our truck.

Harvey: Our best bet is to head towards Corona. They have lots of huge sand dunes out there.

Hoss: Good thinking Harv. Corona is far enough away that no one would think of looking for his body out there. page 63

in a month?

Moe: How should I know? I'm too busy working on cars in the shop. Anyway, if people took better aim when they took a leak I wouldn't need to clean the washrooms so often.

Dwight: Maybe you should get a toilet with a wider bowl.

Moe: You're a barrel of laughs tonight Dwight, aren't you? Now listen up Dwight. If you drive by my service station again and get a case of the runs you're going to see an Out of Order sign posted on my washroom door. If I was you Dwight, I'd keep a fresh set of underwear and pants in the trunk of my car.

Act Eight Scene One:

Narrator: Meanwhile Harvey and Hoss are leaving the city compound in their recently borrowed costumes.

Harvey: These disguises are working out great. Now we can ride to the desert to find Mick.

Harvey: Nobody but us you mean. We can stop in Corona and pick up a couple of burgers at Burger King.

Hoss: We better stop at Moe's Garage before we leave town. We'll have to fill up with gas if we're driving all the way to Corona.

Harvey: Good idea. I gotta use the washroom real bad.

Narrator: Harvey and Hoss pull up to the gas pumps at Moe's Garage. While Moe is busy with a customer, two of his mechanics watch the car pull up.

Homer: Hey, Les. Get a load of this. One of those guys in the car looks just like Elmer Fudd and his friend looks like Yosemite Sam.

Les: They're wearing costumes Homer. There's a big rodeo going on in Corona this weekend. Those two dudes are probably rodeo clowns.

Narrator: Moe finishes up at the cash register and then walks up to the gas pumps. How much gas do you need boys?

Hoss: Can you fill her up? We're driving all the way to Corona.

Moe: For the big rodeo? I noticed your costumes. You guys must be rodeo clowns.

Harvey: No, we're dog catchers. We're on our way to get the keys to our truck. Some rancher has them. We heard that some Air Force guys buried him in the desert. Page sixty-six


Narrator: While waiting for Hoss, Harvey starts pulling some of the cactus prickles out of his backside. He turns around quickly to hear rattling and hissing sounds behind him.

Hoss: Watch out Harv! There's a big rattler coiled up and ready to strike right behind you. Don't worry I'll try to scare him off.

Narrator: Hoss hurls the roll of toilet paper at the rattlesnake. This just startles the snake. The rattlesnake retaliates by biting Harvey in the backside.

Harvey: Hoss, get me to the Roswell Hospital fast! I need to get a shot of the antidote for the snake venom.

Act Nine Scene Two:

Narrator: It is now time to bring back two characters from my previous play, The Escaped Convict. The two characters are Steve Wyler and Harry O'Finsky. In my last play, Steven Wyler and Harry O'Finsky were in a wrestling match with Hulk Hogan and Jake the Snake Roberts. There is mass chaos breaking out in the ring. Steve Tyler grabs Harry O'Finsky who is disguised as the Masked Mauler. The two convicts run backstage and enter an old storage room near the back of the arena.

Steve: We'll be safe in here for a little while, Harry. I had to get you out of the ring before we both got arrested or killed. As I was looking around the arena I saw the Warden as well as those two cons page sixty-seven

we stole the smokes from last month.

Harry: Man, It's mighty dark and dusty in this old shed. Hey, Steve, look over there. What's that big fancy wheel with all the fancy colors.

Steve: I don't know . Let's check it out.

Harry: Wow, this thing is cool, Steve. It looks like some kind of antique car. It has two seats, a lever and a dash that's all lit up.

Narrator: Steve and Harvey get into the seats of the car. Harry can't resist pushing some buttons on the dash and pushing the lever forward. In a few seconds, the vehicle starts to shake and rattle and all Harry and Steve can see is a swirling kaleidoscope of colors. In a few minutes their vehicle crashes in a farmers field.

Steve: What just happened? Where the heck are we?

Harry: Hey, look what it says on the dash. It says location Roswell, New Mexico, year 1947.

Steve: Harry, we just took a trip in a time machine! What luck! Who would've thought of a better escape?

Gary: Ha! Ha! I bet the Warden and and Sam and Charles are looking all around the arena for us right now. Ha! Ha!

Steve: I can just see those two guys now. Sam and Charles running around all over the arena looking for us and the Warden and the page sixty-nine

Bug. The two convicts introduce themselves to Jim.

Jim: Hey, Harry. How come you're wearing wrestling trunks and boots?

Harry: Well, right after my last match, two criminals broke in the dressing room and stole all my street clothes.

Jim: Man, you really have to be some kind of low life to steal another dude's clothes. It's really gets hot in the daytime but by nightfall it's awful chilly out in these parts. We'll find you a new set of clothes when we get back to Corona. It won't be easy though, Harry. You're a pretty big guy.

Steve: Harry's stage name is the Masked Mauler. Put on your mask Harry.

Jim: Man, that mask is cool! When's your next match?

Steve: I'm the Mauler's manager. We're out here scouting for a new territory for the Mauler to wrestle in. He's barred from all our old territories because he has a bad habit of hanging promoters over the bridges of local rivers. Mauler gets really upset when promoters don't book him in the main event. I'm going to register Harry for some anger management classes in the fall. Hey, Jim, do you know of any wrestling promoters out in these parts?

Jim: Yeah I do, General Kane. He's the guy I'm running this errand for. He says that these wrestling cards are good for the troops morale. I'll tell you what. You buys boys ride with me to Roswell page seventy

after I finish this errand. The General might be interested in booking the Masked Mauler. He likes to book wrestlers with lots of attitude.

Steve: Gee thanks Jim. We could sure use the work.

Jim: One thing I should warn you about. General Kane doesn't believe that wrestling is fake. He wants to see plenty of blood and pile drivers done right on the cement floor outside the ring.

Harry: Well the General has nothing to worry about. I'll give him all the blood and pile drivers he wants. Good to know that some people up there know the truth. Wrestling is not fake!

Act Seven Scene Three:

Narrator: Harvey and Hoss, the to dogcatcher start walking back down and about 30 minutes and make it back into the downtown area of Roswell.

Harvey: Look, Hoss. There's our truck parked outside the radio station. I bet the yahoo that stole it is inside the radio station right now.

Narrator: Harvey grabs a large piece of wood and uses a battering ram against the radio station store. The two dog catchers fall over and roll onto the carpet of the radio station.

Rick: Hey you goofs! Have you ever heard of doorknobs and turning the handle first?

Page seventy-one

Dwight: Rick, look at our station! Now we have splinters of wood to go with all of broken glass. Everybody who comes to the station is trying to destroy the place.

Harvey: Don't get your shirt in a knot Dwight. Just send the repair bills over to City Hall. The City of Roswell will reimburse you for all the damage.

Hoss: Yeah, we're dog catchers here on official city business. Some guy stole our truck. He's got to be in here.

Harvey: Right, we were trying to take the guy to the hospital and he repays us by stealing our truck.

Rick: Well, he's not here now.

Dwight: A few minutes ago we had our special guest Mick Russell on the air. He just starting telling our listeners about how he was kidnapped by the Air Force and thrown in the back of a truck with bunch of dead aliens.

Harvey: Did he say that he got a shot of horse twice tranquilizer in the butt when they took him inside the hospital?

Rick: How did you know?

Hoss: Because this Mick Russell is the guy who stole our truck.

Harvey: Where is Mick now? He's got the keys to our truck.

Page seventy-three

Hoss: One problem, Harv. How do we get out to the desert?

Harvey: We''ll go to the compound and get your car.

Hoss: But what if our supervisor recognizes us?

Dwight: Look you guys, there's some cartoon character costumes in our storage room. Feel free to use those as disguises.

Narrator: Hoss dresses up as Elmer Fudd and Harvey dons the Yosemite Sam costume. As Harvey and Hoss leave the radio station Rick and Dwight are laughing so hard that tears are running down their cheeks.

Rick: Dwight, whose keys are those hanging on the hook in the office?

Dwight: I don't know. I found them on the floor after the Air Force guys took Mick away.

Act Eight Scene One:

Narrator: After a long afternoon drinking at Dusty's Tavern, Lloyd decides to do the interview at the radio station.

Rick: Someone's knocking at the door Dwight. You get it.

Dwight: Why not? I'm only the co-host of the show after all.

Narrator: When Dwight let's Lloyd in he can see that Lloyd is not page seventy-six

night. Like I said earlier, I got a little carried away. I've been having a hard time lately. My wife left me because I wasn't making enough money to keep the ranch going. So I got up in the morning, feeling very sorry for myself and started drinking. Then I start getting real lonely so I went down to Dusty's Tavern to have some company. I had quite a few beers while I was at Dusty's. My guess is that the alcohol clouded my judgment. When I got to the radio station I convinced myself that I'd seen pieces of a flying saucer on my ranch. General Kane and Private Enns drove me back to the ranch and showed me what really fell on my ranch. It was a weather balloon. My conscience started to bother me so I figured I better get down to the radio station and tell everyone the real story. I'm sorry if I upset anyone. Dwight: Mick, we didn't smell alcohol on your breath when you were here before.

Rick Yeah, why are you sweating so much Mick?

Dwight: I think maybe those Air Force guys put some heavy pressure on you to change story.

Lloyd the Barber: So do I.

Rick: Why do you say that Lloyd?

Floyd: I'll tell you why. I know for a fact that a flying saucer has crashed near Roswell.

Rick: What proof do you have Lloyd? Page seventy-seven

Floyd: There, look at my sleeve.

Dwight: It looks like you blew your nose on it, Lloyd.

Floyd: No not that! Look at the picture I drew.

Rick: What is it, Lloyd?

Floyd: It's a picture of a creature from outer space.

Dwight: Lloyd, you probably copied this picture out of a comic book.

Floyd: Okay, here's my story. This afternoon I was at Dusty's Tavern having a few beers. When I was there I spotted my old girlfriend, Jane sitting there with Dennis the new town mortician. I hid behind a fake palm tree and got close enough to hear what they were saying. Jane is a nurse at the Roswell Hospital. She was telling Dennis that she was in the operating room when the surgeons were performing an autopsy on a dead alien. Dennis the mortician asked her to draw a picture of the creature that she saw. While I was hiding behind the palm tree I sketched the picture of my shirt sleeve. Right after that I had to sneeze. That's where you see the green splotch on the picture.

Rick: You weren't kidding Lloyd. This is an amazing story.

Dwight: What do you remember about Dennis and Jane's conversation?

Floyd: I remember Nurse Jane saying that there were some surgeons page seventy-eight

working on the alien while a photographer was in the room taking pictures. She also said there was a cameraman shooting film with a 16mm Bell and Howell camera. Jane said she had to leave the room because she was feeling sick to her stomach. She said that the smell in the operating room was absolutely horrible.

Dwight: Was it anything like the smell in the washroom at Moe's Garage?

Floyd: That's exactly what she compared it to.

Rick: Whoa! That is bad. The last time I was in the washroom at Moe's Garage I felt like I was going to puke.

Narrator: The phone starts ringing in the control room. Dwight picks up the phone.

Dwight: Listeners, we have Moe Phillips, the owner of Moe's Garage on the line.

Moe: What's this I hear about a filthy, smelly washroom at Moe's Garage?

Lloyd: You been in there recently, Moe? The odor is disgusting.

Moe: You want to know what's really disgusting Lloyd?

Lloyd: What?

Moe: Your acting. You have the gall to come on the show and insult page seventy-nine

a great actor like Andy Griffin while you can't act worth a hill of beans yourself.

Rick: Come on, boys. This is starting to get personal.

Dwight: That's right Rick. I think that we should ask the listeners to get their children to stay out of the room while this segment of the show is running.

Rick: Dwight's right, lis

© Copyright 2020 ken david stewart. All rights reserved.

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