Our Stan, our Doris and the bike ride.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Another monologue in the style of Marriot Edgar. Translation also available if you can't be bothered and want to spoil it. Again just read phonetically out loud and flatten all your vowels if you wish to speak Lanky. See my news page if you want a good Lanky Lexicon. If of course you dont want the fun of working it out.

Submitted: July 23, 2008

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Submitted: July 23, 2008




Now our Stan he wuz givin a compass

Of which he was inordinately proud

He could tell at glance which direction wuz best

And he wuz not just going all round and round

He liked a good walk did our Stanley

And often wuz seen up in them ’ills

On’t weekend you cud see fer miles and miles

with views t’make yer heart fill.

Now our Doris is wife wuz quite different

And didn’t quite share in Stans passion

She restricted herself to making is bit

With butties like to go out o’t fashion

So whilst e wuz out in all weathers

Our Doris she remained stay at home

She did all is mendin and cleanin and such

So folk didn’t gossip bowt their 'ome

Trouble is Doris wuz bored

With spreadin and dustin ant like

So she thought for a change of t’scenery

She’d go fer a ride on Stan’s bike

She brought bike right out o’garage

An down t’roadside she went

Where some workers were workin an diggin some oles

Doin summat fer all as paid rent

Now she knew that Stan wuz up in is ill’s again

Although she did not know quite where

So she made up some butties and crisps and some pop

And adjusted bike seat wi some care

For now she had quite a problem

As her frock wuz obviously too tight

So she altered the length, pulled it up oe’er er knees

Til the hem seemed just bout right

But she still couldn’t get on’t bike you see

Cos the cross bar it got in the way

And no matter she fiddled and fussed wi er frock

She likely to be there all day.

Much to the joy of the workmen

Who were avin much fun wi this show

Till she pulled them a face and stuck out er tongue

It were cheek but then who would know?

Then she ad inspiration

A knife to frocks seams she wud take

And then on’t bike she would be off

A’ followin straight in Stan’s wake

But this did not work as an action

It was fiddly and not very bright

For no sooner she’d cocked er leg up all lady like

She’d got a great tear in er tight

Removing said items whilst sittin on’t kerb

Caused such a fuss and palava

That it caused workmen t’laugh and neighbours curtains to twitch

Which Doris then found such a mither.

Now before eed gone out that mornin

Stan ad oiled is chain good an proper

Trouble is, it ad dripped and spread everywhere

An Doris ad come such a cropper

Cos she’d sat in the oil pool

As it lay and sun wuz an ot un

Now feelin quite wet Doris then checked

findin now she ad a slick bottom

Things were not going well for our Doris

In trying to go for her ride

She wuz all to give up and call it a day

Instead of takin all in er stride

Er clothes they were dirty and torn

Her legs they were slimy and wet

She must a thought it all over an finished

Until she saw the best yet

For walking up road came our Stanley

A’ whistlin and stridin is best

When all of a sudden e saw Doris

Sittin as if takin a rest

Now wot be you doin quoth Stanley

A’ sittin side o’t road like a tramp

You’ll be getting folk talkin and callin us names

As well as makin yer backside quite damp

Well Doris would ave non o’ this

And listin to port with a sigh

Picked up yon bike ant threw it at Stan

Who caught it mid air with a cry

Bike an Stan both fell over back int road

Just as steamroller it went past

Tragedy then struck as roller went oe’er bike

And Stan in whose hands it were clasped

Oh no shouted workmen an Doris

An neighbours ran out in a shock

For the workmen had just laid their tarmac

An Doris ad sorted er frock

For Stan wuz flat as a pancake

An’t bike it wuz fairly destroyed

An the moral to this sad tale Is keep things as they are

Not to change them is to keep them enjoyed

© Copyright 2018 Ken Simm. All rights reserved.