A First Love To Be Remembered

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic

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A person who seeks love by cheating his crush of his identity.

CHAPTER 1 (Love Victim)

It started when I was fifteen years old. At that time, I don’t really know about love where some of my friends had already been in one. How does it feel? As I get older I’m so curious about this unconditional emotion. It’s just four simple letters to spell it but I still don’t understand it. Is it some kind of pain? I don’t know because I have not created the opportunity to experience it and I had my reasons for that. It’s not that I don’t have the time, I just don’t talk to girls much. I know I need to break this barrier to fall in love. In the month of May, I invent a name to capture a girl’s heart. To be precise, I’m creating a fake identity to make a girl fall for it through internet. I know it’s not the right thing to do but I have no choice. Moreover, I don’t even know if it would make me feel the love too. Besides, I need to pick a girl to be my victim of love. I don’t want to pick a random girl because it could be difficult for me. I may not be in love but I’ve had many crushes all my life. So, I made a decision to pick one of my crush after all. The girl was my crush for a long time since I was eight years old. We don’t know a thing about each other except our names. It’s because we usually don’t talk much but rather look at each other and smile. So, I know I would not get caught unless I make a terrible mistake. At first, I created a Friendster account by the name I invented and made my first move on her. As expected, she easily fell for it. From Friendster, we moved on to MSN Messenger to chat because it seems more convenient. Yet, she still didn’t realize it was me. After almost a month chatting with her, I asked for her number. Surprisingly, she gave it to me and I was excited by that. We always pass by each other at school but she had no idea I was the one who she’s chatting all night long. After two weeks, spending time with her on the phone, I wanted to hit on her with a confession. Well, that is what I want to do after all. Logically, it seems cowardly of me looking at the way I’m doing it but I don’t care. Without a sense of fear, I sent her my confession. She didn’t like it and replied “I have a boyfriend”. I was quite devastated to hear it because I thought she was single. I didn’t give up and remain calm. After a couple of days, I sent her my confession again. She got angry and asked “Why are you sending me these kinds of messages”. So, I replied “I want to be your boyfriend”. After that, she did not reply me. I felt bad and learnt that’s not the way to do it. I was only chatting with her for 6 weeks. At that time, I immaturely made a confession to her where I didn’t really feel the love. So far, I still don’t love her, I just like her. My quest was incomplete but I felt accomplished. Did the plan absolutely fail?

CHAPTER 2 (It’s a Lie)

The beginning of July, I can’t seem to forget what happened a couple of days ago. At first, the memory just faded away and came back right after. I will describe this incident as a boomerang. I thought my absence would affect her but sadly it did not, it affected me instead. At school, she looked as if nothing was bothering her. Why should I make it a big deal then? A day later, when I logged into my Myspace, I was taken aback because she added me on Myspace. Actually, it was me who added her first after the past incident. For your information, my Myspace account is also under my fake identity. Truthfully, I did not expect this response from her. Why did she do this? Did she miss me or am I just lucky enough? I can’t wait to ask her. So, I sent her an e-mail right away. In the e-mail, I asked “Why did you add me in Myspace”. Soon after I got an email from her that reads “I want to be your friend again”. I was right, she missed me but it was not the way I wanted which is being her friend. I guess I’m asking for too much. So, without any hesitation I replied “Okay” as this was my only way for a second chance. It was awkward at first but days later, we went back to how we used to be. It was funny to see her at school not knowing it was me. At the same time, I felt a bit guilty doing this to her. When chatting with her on the phone, it’s always me who always start a conversation and end it which was quite disappointing. This shows I’m still far away from my goal. After a month, I think I’m wasting a lot of time because I have an important exam coming soon. I don’t want to fail my examination for just mere fun. So, I foolishly asked her again if I can be her boyfriend. Surprisingly, she replied “I don’t like having boyfriends”. That made me wonder if she really had a boyfriend the last time. So, I asked “Last time you had a boyfriend right”. She replied “It was just a lie to convince you to stop asking me to be your girlfriend”. I don’t really mind what she had just said to me. It seems she is the one who should be worried after saying that to me. As a result, I did not stop and keep on asking her if I can be her boyfriend. Later, she did not reply me. I was still all right after getting rejected the second time because I know I’m still a stranger to her. Which girl will ever want to be a girlfriend to someone she had not seen before? What I want to know is why did she lie to me and am I really bothering her? All the answers to these questions I want to know but I really need to prepare myself for the exam. At this point, I know it’s all over as she will be facing the same exam too. So, I need to snap out of it and concentrate on scoring for the exam. Will there be obstacles in my way?

CHAPTER 3 (Again & Again)

In the middle of September as I’m gearing up for the PMR examination, I got a message from her that reads “Why are you not messaging me”. I considered it as a stupid question. She’s got to be kidding me; I’m the one who should have asked her this. What in the world is she thinking when she typed that message? The beast in me awakened and I was outraged. Luckily, the scenario was through a phone and all I could do to show my anger are my words. If not, I think there will be blood stains all over the floor. She was being calm sorting out her reasons to me. Then, I realize that I’m in no position to be scolding her. I was being such a bad guy to an innocent girl. Most of her replies were just “Sorry”. At times, it seems that I was being too harsh on her. Then, I imagined her face while reading her messages which subsequently bring me down. She was just so innocent to get mad at. After a while, I made a decision to compromise with her and became her friend once again. I tried not to forget about my exam. So, I told her it was big time for me where I need to concentrate to excel in the examination. Before facing the examination, I only talked about studies with her and also encouraged her to revise for the exam. Time passed by so quickly, I didn’t even notice that the important exam was over. After a month, we were still going on without a problem. Not much we talked about, just digging up each other past. I had to tell her a lot of lies to keep myself unapproachable and unidentified. My lies were top notch that she can’t even question me back. Sadly, year-end school break started and I was quite depressed knowing that I can’t see her for a gap. The only way I could reach her was through the phone. I felt like I was locked up in a forest seeking for help. One day, I got scared passing my time with her. I don’t want to extend our friendship any longer as I’m afraid I will just become her friend after all. I was stressed out and didn’t like that feeling. I don’t why I am acting like this. So, I selfishly asked her if she can be my girlfriend. As usual, she remains silent to my confession once again. I waited a day or two and send my confession again but there was no response. Anyway, this was meant to happen and it felt really good this time because I know what’s coming. The thing is she likes me but she does not trust me. She was the one who left and ended up finding me again. She is the kind of a girl who just doesn’t go away. Despite all the ups and downs from the day it all started, I think I still like her. If she came back, it will be good. If not, I’ve got one month to forget her before seeing her again. Now, I’m not hurt, I’m just waiting. Will she come back yet again as I’ve predicted?

CHAPTER 4 (Identity Exposed)

The first week of December, she sent me a message just as I thought. In that message, she asked “Are you angry at me”. At that moment, I was wondering did she do any wrong. Actually, she’s the one who should be angry at me. Is she that innocent as she appears? What does she really want from me? Friendship or Love? I don’t really know because this is something new to me. Moreover, I’m still a stranger to her. After through a couple of messages, we compromised once again. Then, I told her that I really missed her, I don’t know how she fell about my remark but she replied me with a smile gesture. Nowadays, I think she is starting to believe me because she shares many personal stories with me. Should I lie to someone who is being true to me? It’s a sin I guess. So, I tried my best to control my lies too. Day by day, I’m feeling weird when I think of her. I just don’t know why. Am I in love? Is this how it feels? One day, she asked for my e-mail address because the last time we fought, she had removed me from all her social networking sites. So, I gave her back my e-mail address which connects all of my social networking sites. I was so freaking dumb; I did not realize that I had changed my fake identity to my original identity at my Friendster account only. It was a mistake that I should have not done. I tried to stop her but I was too late. At one point, my blood was racing so fast in my body that I can’t even think carefully. That night, I got a message from her saying that “Do you know GANESH”. I was knocked out when I got that message because that was my real name. I reacted by jumping and shouting around like an idiot in the house. Luckily, no one was around in my house. They went out when it really matters. Thank you, God. Unfortunately, I can’t think of a reason that particular moment as if my brain were out. So, I said “Maybe he is the guy who hacked my e-mail”. It was so random and I know it. It’s the stupidest explanation ever. She replied “Oh” and starts a new topic to talk about afterwards. I know she was just faking it. The whole thing just now was her game and I was her puppet. Since that day, I don’t really feel comfortable chatting with her and even had plans to transfer schools because I’m embarrassed to face her in school next year. I had to bear with it because my parents did not let me to transfer schools. So, I did a lot of activities that could boost up my confidence level. After that incident, it was also hard for me to tell lies because I get goose bumps every time I received her messages. She is like a danger who is holding a grudge. I should be counting my days to get whacked by a devil-like girl. How long will RYAN LEE last?

CHAPTER 5 (Falling In Love)

The first few hours of 2010, I celebrated New Year and wished for a blissful year. Less than a day after will be my birthday. Will I be able to get a Happy Birthday this year? I’m not sure because I don’t know what she’s up to. I’ve never been this scared before because she was so intimidating since my identity is revealed. At one moment, I even thought she was possessed. At the early morning, she wished me Happy New Year and held on to me till night. I was hitting the keypad on my phone with my fingers all the time. My phone barely finished it’s battery by all the vibrations made when she messaged me. She even made my parents to suspect me after looking at the way I behave on New Year’s Day. I can’t even do what I wanted, she controls me from top to bottom. Seconds after midnight, she wished me “Happy birthday”. That’s right; I almost forgot that it was my birthday at that moment. That grieving moment, I turned 16 years old and it was an unforgettable birthday for me because of her. It’s late morning; she did not let me sleep by asking a lot of questions. I was already suffering enough and those questions were like bullet coming towards me which totally took me down. I skipped most of her questions and gave long answers for easy questions. Almost at dawn, I got a message from her that said “I’ve got something personal to tell you, I want to meet you”. That was more like a headshot to me; it was a very well made plan from the very beginning. I realize she was just playing along with me since the day my identity was revealed. I’m already tired and I just can’t lie to her anymore. So, I revealed the whole thing to her. I also told her that I’m sorry even though it’s too late. She said “I already know you’re GANESH, I just wanted you to say it for yourself”. After that, I’m at loss of words and remained silent. I’m sure she’s extremely angry and I’m prepared for what’s coming. I know she’s going to avoid me after what I’ve had done to her. Surprisingly, she accepted me to be her friend again. What in the world that just happened? Is she a goddess? The next day, we made too many eye contacts in school which felt awkward. This time, she finds me first to chat. After a week, I felt different when I see her as my heart feels so light. Am I’m starting to love her now? It’s hard for me to explain this feeling. What should I do? So, I made a decision to propose to her sincerely this time. At the start of February, I truthfully confess my love to her through a message. Sadly, she did not accept my love. Then, I asked “Why”. After that, she did not reply me. For the first time, my heart was broken and shattered by a girl. Since then, whenever I see her in school, I felt a lot of pain and misery. Is this the end of my story?

CHAPTER 6 (Getting Started)

In the middle of February, she sent me a message again. I just can’t believe it. Is she crazy? This is not the first time, it’s already the fourth time. I’m losing my cool. It always goes like this, where there will be a misunderstanding between us and I will keep on messaging her but she will not care to reply me. After a week, she will send me a message as if nothing happened. Am I a pushover? I’m going insane because of her. At the same time, it’s also hard for me to not reply her. Am I falling for her? I don’t really know yet. So, I replied “Why are you playing with my feelings”. Then, she asked “Why can’t we just be friends”. It slightly hurt my feelings when I read that. I had no choice at that moment and agreed to be her friend again. Was I too weak doing this? Coming week, it will be her birthday. It’s my first time to wish for her birthday. I’m so excited but I’m not brave enough to meet her and give her a present. All I can afford is to prepare a well-made message for her. I put in a lot of effort in creating that message. On the 20th of March, I sent her that message not only to wish her but also for something else. She told me that she really liked it and I personally think she felt something when reading it. The next day, she started to give me some glances at school. Why is she acting weird all of a sudden? As days goes by, I can’t pretend being her friend anymore with her sudden change of nature. It was getting worse where I can’t continue to hide my feelings. On the 10th of April, I express my feelings to her once again. She did not get angry like last time and stay calm. I thought things would get rough but thankfully it was different. She was constantly saying we could be friends and I really hated it. She also replied “I like you a lot; being away from you would hurt me”. I stayed strong and asked her to make a decision either to “leave me alone” or “be my girlfriend”. I gave her a full week to think about her decision. At first, she resisted my request but accepted it later on. For the whole week, I felt like I was in hell and heaven at the same time. I got nervous as the deadline comes to an end. On the 16th of April, she sent me a very long message as her answer. She was talking about the two of us in the message. I started reading it and had no idea whether she loves me or not. Later, she mentioned “I start to like you on my birthday and without realizing I fell in love with you” at the halfway of the message. That’s when I found out I’ve been accepted. I still can’t believe I finally did it at the fifth attempt. I had been taken by a 16 year old beauty. Later, I told my parents about this and they were against it but I insist them I’m going for it. Did I make the right choice?

CHAPTER 7 (Face to Face)

Both of us off to our first journey as a couple draws a lot of pressure. I’m the one who ask for it, now I’ll just have to face it. Since that day, the time we spent on the phone increases from eight hours to sixteen hours. It was tiresome but I enjoyed it. Besides, she don’t want to be called by her name and told me to call her “Baby”. It was awkward at first but I managed to do it for her. I even stopped my bad habits and tried to look good all the time for her sake. I can’t imagine a day without her. One day, we decided to tell about the two of us to our best friends. It was a vital decision. As expected, they were shocked to hear this from both of us and had no idea a lot happened between us. They promised to not spread the news and cause a stir. We were very thankful to them for doing so. Since the day she knew that RYAN LEE was me, we had not talked to each other in person even for other purpose. We’ve had only chat on the phone which is really devastating. I need to do something to end it. After all, she is my girl. So, I asked her if I could walk her home after school. She replied ‘Okay’. We had to meet secretly to avoid others from seeing us. So, I asked her to wait for me far away from the school entrance. The moment school ends, I was so nervous and my friends helped me cool down a bit. As I was walking my way off the school entrance, I saw her waiting for me at there. My heart skipped a beat by that view. I was only looking at her while I was walking to her. The first time facing her as her boyfriend, my heart exploded. I started the conversation by saying “Hi” and she replied “Hi” too. It took me a lot of courage to even do that. Then, I wanted to be kind to her on that sunny day. So, I asked her if I could carry her school bag but she said ‘Never mind’. It’s my first time being so close to a girl where I could smell her sweat excluding my mom and sister. On the way to her home as I talked to her, she gave a stare which blew me away. One moment, she pulled my shirt to cross the road as I was busy staring at her beautiful eyes. It was crystal-clear. In the end, I said “Goodbye” to her with a smile where she did the same too. Every time I walked with her, I can see that she is so shy around me because I’m the one who talked the most compared to her. On the other hand, we quarrel at least 2 times a day. One day, she asked me if I wanted anything from her. I replied “I want a hand-written letter from you”. After a couple of days, she gave it to me in front of school. I really loved it and it represents her heart to me. So far, I had only hugged her twice. I know it’s definitely not enough. That’s why I wanted to bring her out and buy her things but she always says she’s busy. Does she really mean it?

CHAPTER 8 (Breaking Up)

The third week of May, I walked her home from school where she talked about her cousin brother. She told me that her cousin brother followed her family on a trip last weekend. I got jealous because all she did was praising him. After reaching at the front of her house, I just left without saying goodbye. I did that because I was so angry and decided to play a prank on her. After I reached home, I sent her a message that reads “Let’s break up” as it was part of the plan. Did I go overboard? She was shocked when she read that message and replied “Don’t try to fool me”. I replied “No, I mean it”. She was devastated by that but I was just playing around with her. She really had no idea what I’m up to. Since then, I did not reply her messages for almost two days. The third day, I was chatting on MSN Messenger with my friends where she was on it too. Suddenly, she sent me a message that reads “Are you happy now”. I cheekily replied “How could I be happy without you even for just a second”. She was dazed and confused by my reply. So, she asked “What do you mean by that” I replied “I was just playing with you, don’t get the wrong idea”. Rather than being angry with me, she was happy that it was just a prank. That time, I realized I can’t hurt her anymore like what I did before. That time, I’m the one who was hurt, not her. One day, she sent me a message that reads “There is a boy in Facebook that is trying to hit on me”. I asked “Who is the boy”. She replied “I don’t know”. I asked “How come you don’t know”. She replied ‘I don’t even know you then but now I’m with you’. I felt very discouraged by her reply. So, I angrily replied “Go ahead, be with him” where she replied “Whatever”. Since that day, we fought a lot where she caused them all. I don’t know what’s up with her. On the 27th of May, she asked for a break up. At that moment, I was in the car with my family coming back home from a vacation which took me by surprise. I replied “No” where she replied “I don’t care, I will not reply you”. I replied “Are you sure” where she replied “I’m fed up of you”. That moment, I felt like I was going to die. Once I reached home, I stood in the same position in a locked room for about fifteen minutes which felt like years. I know there is no point arguing with her. So, on the 29th of May, I agreed on breaking up with her. She replied “For your good heart, you will get a girl way better than me, don’t worry”. Then, I replied “Thank you, take good care of yourself”. She replied “I hope you’ll be happy without me, goodbye”. I was with her for only 44 days, enough for me to know the meaning of love. As for me, love is a pain even when you are happy or sad. Why can’t she endure that pain I felt till the very end?

CHAPTER 9 (Pain and Misery)

Day by day I’m experiencing a lot of pain living my life without her, whom I love. Words are not enough to describe this pain. Simply to say I’m dying out of love. I’m barely losing myself as stress slowly knocks into my head. As a result, I burned the letter and removed her pictures and messages from my phone. All that’s left is memories of her in my head. Would I be able to get over that? I’m not sure about that. I trusted her and thought we were meant to be together which she once said to me. Yet, she was a liar like some other girls. Did she really love me? I just hope that was true. Thinking about it, I should have just end it on the day I told my parents about this. I was so stubborn for not taking their advice and now I’m regretting it. A few days later, she sent me a message that reads “You could still be my friend if you want”. Is she being kind-hearted? I know it’s difficult for her too but compared to her I’m the one who is badly hurt. I had been accepting all her request till this moment. This time, it’s not going to happen again. Once a lover, never a friend. So, I replied “Never mind, it’s okay”. She replied “Okay, if that is what you want”. That really bothered me and I responded by swearing at her. Later, I felt disappointed in myself for behaving like that to her. I guess I lost my mind when I say that to her. As a result, my behavior backfires me where she did not reply after that. Since then, every time I look at my phone or listen to its beep, I think of her all of a sudden. I realize I needed a change and fast. So, I bought a new phone on the fifth day after breaking up with her. In the middle of June, I was told by her friends that she has a new boyfriend. I knew it was him, the one who was hitting her on Facebook. I sent her a message that reads “If I got to know him and saw him anywhere with you, he will definitely get a piece of me”. Why am I losing my temper? Later, I felt bad saying that to her. I wanted to say sorry for my earlier message but I missed the timing. Is this really happening? I can’t believe she dumped me for another boy who she met on Facebook. How could she give her heart for two? It was a pain to see her at school. From the moment she crossed into my life, I had gone through a lot of changes. I had completely lost myself to her where once I was so hot-tempered. These days, I kept a smiling face all the time to hide my inner feelings. Is it a healthy thing to do? After school year ended, I tried to contact her because I still love her deep in my heart but she doesn’t bother to answer. Did she forget me after having a replacement to my place? I need her so much more at this time around but look at what she’s doing. Who is the real villain, me or the Chinese boy?

CHAPTER 10 (Second Chance)

It’s the start of a new year and my school life is about to come to an end. School is the only thing that connected us after breaking up. So, I guess it will be the last time I will be seeing her at the end of the year. Would fate decide whether I may see her somewhere else? I guess I’m thinking too much ahead. It’s just that without her by my side, I feel so empty I could drink up a sea. Luckily, there were good moments to cherish which kept me moving forward. I went on celebrating my 17th birthday with my family and friends where school started the next day. That morning, I had a hard time thinking of how to react when I see her. After a few months, I saw her again as I was waiting for my friends. I was amazed by how different she appeared as she looks matured. I looked like a fool compared to her. Surprisingly, I heard from her friends that she had broken up with him. I was glad to hear that because it did not last very long. I wondered and asked myself “Am I getting a second chance”. I won’t know unless I’ve tried it. So, I planned to talk to her and calmly approached her to start a conversation. Unfortunately, she moved away from me with her quick steps. That’s when I know she is still not comfortable around me. For the next two months, she barely made any eye contact. On her birthday, I sent her a message but she did not reply. So, I called her a few times and got to know that she does not use that number anymore. In the middle of April, I was on Facebook and decided to greet her. Unbelievably, she replied “Hi” to me. I was stunned for a second. I slowly began to chat with her and asked about her boyfriend but she does not want to talk about it. Then, I told her that I called her a few times but did not get a respond. She replied “I don’t use that number anymore since I got a new number”. So, I asked her new number and she gave it to me. Is she not angry with me anymore? Everything I asked was answered except for the boyfriend part. A few days later, I sent her a message asking about her boyfriend which I should not. I thought she would open up to me. Unexpectedly, I made her angry and did not get a reply from her. In school, she was still the same trying to avoid me. After two months, I sent her a message and she replied me. I did not want to waste my chance. So, I asked her if she still loves me. She could just say “Yes” or “No”. I was mad because she did not answer the question. Why did she give me her new number then? I can’t read what’s in her head. Is she trying to be my friend again? Nowadays, I try to keep in touch with her but she does not want to respond. I just want to talk to her for a few minutes to repent myself from what I did that particular day. Why is she doing this to me?

CHAPTER 11 (Being an Idiot)

I’ve had enough; I can’t bear a minute more with this problem. I need to do something for a decisive conclusion as this matter is getting prolonged. I know I can’t do this alone without any help. So, I tried to seek her girlfriends who are my classmates and talked about this problem. Both of them were just her friends, not close ones. They didn’t know about the complete story happened between the two of us. Later, they were dumbfounded after listening to it till the end and decided to help me out. I was appreciated by their kindness to sort things for me. Eventually, they dropped by her place and opened up about me to her. She responded to them by saying “I don’t want to meet him” and “I cry a lot because of him”. It’s kind of disappointing to hear that from her. Is she trying to avoid me with these reasons? She does not know that this is making matters more badly because I’m losing my patience to know the truth. I really need a serious conversation with her to prove that she was wrong. In the same time, I don’t want to go overboard as I probably could make problems even worse. To her beautiful slant eyes, I may appear to be a villain. I may look like one but I’m actually way different. In the middle of July, most of our friends in school had already know what happened between us two. I’m the one who is responsible for that but I did not do it on purpose. I can’t think of another thing to talk about. So, I opened about her to them because she is the one who I kept thinking about all day long, There were times I hesitated if I should go and speak to her or not but I managed to hold myself. There were times we’ll be in the same classroom with others for a period where I would be only looking at her. Once, I even get scolded by my teacher doing that. One day, I hear from her friends that she had many relationships. It completely broke me apart where I had to hold my tears up. Is it not two guys after me? I went wandering around like dog thinking about her. Is she the same girl that I was with last time? I only believed what I thought and now I’m paying the price for it. I can’t lie to myself anymore saying she is an innocent girl. She is way beyond that and I’m out of reach from her. At that point, I felt disappointed for wasting my time for her and wanted to get over this instantly. On the 25th of August, I throw out everything that could make me think of here after being an idiot for exactly 840 days. I also slowly began to make up my mind to forget her. I believe that I could completely erase her from my mind after school ends because after that I can’t see her even if I want to. I’m boosting with confident and looking forward to it. Could I prevent this love? As for this story, this is not the end.

CHAPTER 12 (Last Farewell)

As I said before, this story it’s not over because I felt that I would not be able to get her off my head. The outcome was just like how I’ve predicted. I fail to retain myself once again. Why is this happening to me? Just over two months, I’m falling all over her like raindrops to the ground. It is not right time for me to do this now. As my SPM examination is around the corner, I should be focusing on it but I can’t seem to lay both of my eyes on the books. I’m in a desperate situation at the moment. Whenever I saw her in school, I feel uneasy. So, I try to avoid looking at her but I can’t even look away because she attracts me easily like a magnet. Moreover, I’m also having trouble to sleep every single night. This makes me look so tired and weak. To make it even worse, I barely had energy to take care of the way I look that particular time frame. Simply saying, I was fucked up real bad. Two weeks away from the exam, I encouraged myself to endure the pain and prepare for the upcoming exam. It was almost like war for me every time I take out a book to revise but music helped me out especially Korean-Pop Music. Still, my mind tossed me into a confusion either to pick a fast or sad song to listen. I ended up listening to sad songs most of the time. It broke my heart even more though but I’ve had no choice because that’s the only way to keep me focused. I needed to suffer to gain something.  As a result, the first day of my SPM exam I was sick but got okay the following day. I planned to wish her good luck for every exam but it seems impossible. So, I called out her friends to do it instead of me. During the whole week of exam, I tried to talk to her but I did not get the chance. Every time, I get close to her she rapidly walks away from me. I feel wasted when that happens. On 30th of November, it was my last day of exam and school life. Unfortunately, I was not ready to say my farewell to her. As if I don’t have the guts to do it. On that day, I finished my last exam and left the school with an unpleasant smile on my face. I was with my friends along the way. After reaching home, I ran into my room and looked myself into the mirror. Right after that, I break into cold sweat and almost passed out. It was because I tried so hard not to release my anger by shouting in the house. Thankfully, I was able to hide the beast in me that particular day. The following weeks, I restrain myself a lot from thinking of her. I managed to do that because I slightly forgot how she looks. I’m facing a much lighter pain than before. This pain that she gave me left a deep scar in my heart. It seems to me that this pain is just a part of me. I’ll just have to live with it till the end of my life. Am I finally getting over this tragedy situation?

CHAPTER 13 (Unexpected Moment)

The second day of 2012, I turned 18 years old after having a downhill in my life. As I blew the lights off the candles on my birthday cake, I made a wish that everything will be alright this year. Is it going to happen? I don’t know, I’ll just have to wait and see. The whole month of January, I was spending time with my family and hanging out with my friends. They are the ones that are left to keep me smiling. There were times where I felt lonely even when surrounded with a lot of people. At that time, she always appeared into my mind and caused a mess. I barely managed to get myself out of it every time it happens. One day, I heard my phone beeping while sleeping in the morning. It was my friend who wanted to meet me in the morning at a park behind my house. I just woke up and went to see him without bothering the way I looked that particular moment. He was shocked to see me and asked “What happened to you”. I said I had a dream about her last night and I’m really desperate to meet her. So, I asked “Can you help me”. He promised to help me by insisting me to follow him to meet one of my ex-girlfriend’s friend. Unwashed face, messy hair, rugged shirt, short pants and worn slippers, that’s how I went with my friend to a mall. Can you imagine how would I look with all those features? After meeting her friend I asked her that “Can you help me to meet her”. She replied “It’s going to be hard”. I was disappointed to hear that from her. I grab the opportunity given but it’s not going to bring me nowhere. I and my friend went back to home with mixed feelings. The next month, I was working at place my father suggested while waiting for my SPM result. My first experience of working felt so good because I get to meet new people to share my feelings. One of my colleague was having a hard time with his girlfriend. So, he asked me for some advice knowing what I’ve been through before meeting him. Based on my experience, I gave him a few tips what not to do when it really matters. It certainly helped him and thanked me for that. The second week of March, most people are worried of the SPM result. As for me, I’m worried of the result like others and also having the pressure of looking at the beauty who captured my heart. The heavens were against me because I saw her earlier than I should at a train station near my house. I wanted to hide myself from her because it took me by surprise. So, I stood behind a wall and looked at her as she walked away with her friends from that place. It’s really awkward to meet her at my place. Is this a rehearsal to what I must go through next week in school? I just remembered it’s her birthday a day before the SPM result. What am I going to do?

CHAPTER 14 (End of Success)

Oh my god, it’s her birthday tomorrow. I’ve only wished her once so far which made her to fall in love with me. Can I do it once again after these past two years? I will just have to give it a try. A second past midnight I called her but I got a voicemail instead. I tried several times again but the result was the same. Then, I sent her a message but there was no response. I was clueless and kept doing the same thing for hours and finally gave up in the end. Pressure is starting to build up on me as tomorrow will be an important day in my life. Would eleven years of my school life be worth it after all? I’ll just have to wait for now. Due to stress, I didn’t had a good night sleep. So, I woke up with a headache. As the last hours goes on, I toughened up myself and followed a group of friends to temple before going to school. Later, I went to school with them but the result was not out yet. I was told that there was a lot of time till the result come out. So, I end up moving around chatting with my close friends trying to look cool. Suddenly, I heard a familiar voice and turned back to look for it. I held my breath for a second as it was none other than her, my beauty. She was with her group of friends at the back of me. This time, I’m not going to hide and kept on staring at her. I’ve never seen her dressed like that before. I asked myself “How can a girl like that love someone like me”. I was smiling but did not know that it will not last long. Right after, I went blank as I heard that the SPM result will be announced in a moment. I stood in a line with others to take my result and got my name called after a while. Unfortunately, my result was quite bad than what I’ve predicted. Is this a dream? My friends were shocked and I looked like a fool not knowing how to react at that moment. Surprisingly, I got to know that her result was way better than mine. Then, I recalled something that happen two years ago. It was when I didn’t love her, I got good results for PMR compared to her. This time, I love her and it goes the other way around for SPM. I struggled to make a poker face as I walked my way to home ignoring my friends who wanted to celebrate by watching a movie. As I was trying to get in my house, my mother came to greet me. I could not control my feelings and broke into tears. In a while, I calmed down but went on crying again as I heard my father’s motorcycle sound reaching home knowing he’d came to comfort me too. They were both saying “Don’t cry, I’m happy with your result”. I’m not stupid enough to believe that because I can see the disappointment in their faces. It’s been quite a long time since I had success. Can I start to achieve success once again as I did before?

CHAPTER 15 (It’s over)

It took me a week to be myself again. In that week, even in that situation I still thought about her. So, I logged on to Face book to look up her and found out that she is in a relationship. It’s already been five months that she had a boyfriend and I just know about this. Actually, I had always checked her Facebook if I have the time but only for a while. I certainly paid the price for not checking thoroughly when indulging into something. When will I ever get to learn to do something perfectly? It would be funny to still think that she would still love me. So, I moved on hoping that I would get a girl one day. I really wanted to go to college but my family’s fate made me go to STPM. I hated being there because it’s the same as my school life but I changed after a month. In the month of August, I got to know that a girl like me in the school from my friend’s girlfriend. I did not believe it and ignored that girl. In a couple of days, I personally saw that the girl was upset when I was around her. I guess it was because I did not care to talk to her. So, after school ended I went to her and asked for her number. She replied “Why”. I said “I wanted to talk to you because I heard you like me”. She smiled and gave me her number. One of my friend followed me home afterwards because he wanted to go somewhere using the train station near my home. I was telling to him about this as we reached there. There was a girl at the station who was standing with her back facing us. I commented that the girl had a nice back and my friend agreed. Later, I found out that it was my past girlfriend’s back that I was talking about just now. I told my friend it was her and tried running away because I was shy. My friend encouraged me to go and meet her as this a good chance. Can I hold my nerve and meet my first love as I wanted after these past two years? I’m desperate, I have no choice. So, I followed her with light steps as she walked off. I called her few times but she did not look at me. So, I ran to her and touched her shoulder from the back. She was surprised to see me at that moment. Her complexion melts me down as I look at her again and again. I started the conversation with a warm greeting and asked about her doings. She gave short replies with few glances. Later, she ended the conversation and left. Our conversation was so awkward, I bet a dog would die in embarrassment if it was there. She was totally different compared to the person I once loved. So, I said to myself “A week is just enough, two years is long enough”. She had already moved on from the past but my love for her will continue forever. 

Submitted: March 03, 2015

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