Open Diary - By a Girl Read as an Open Book

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Editorial and Opinion  |  House: Booksie Classic
A new chapter in life, a leap of faith, and a possible case of callous insanity. Due to desperation caused from a misconception of life itself.

Submitted: June 21, 2015

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Submitted: June 21, 2015

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Honesty. Honesty. Honesty. Oh how I suck at being honest. Not just with others but myself. Although I don't know anyone that has never once struggled with that. 

Kindness. Hm... kindness. I've heard people say how others have taken advantage of their kindness but honestly saying, I only ever thought that to be more of a dulosional- self- comforting thought. Something someone says because they were hoping to get something in return for their "good deed". And when they get nothing in return, no matter how they try, they call it being taken advantage of. 

But I get it now. 

Promises. I can't seem to keep those as much as I try. So I don't make them anymore. When i was younger they were more easily kept but as years go by promises were made to me. Promises that never saw another light of day. More like lies hidden in the dark really. Telling you of something that was never really there to begin with but how would you know? 

Growing up... now I've never really wanted to do that, but what child ever really did. When we do, life tends to be a whole lot less.. perfect. We become less perfect. The people we love, dissapointing us. Just everything has this horrible realization about it that makes us want to pretend certain things, never really happened, or never existed to begin with. I struggle so hard to become a better person but no matter how hard i try, I do a wonderful job at disapointing myself at the end of the day. Not giving enough. Not humble enough. Not caring enough. Too self absorbed. Too judgemental. Too angry. Too easily insulted and offended by the stupidest things... ah right, too sensitive. Yet, not sensitive enough to see the pain in others that'll help me understand their situation. Which in return will help me understand them

Self-identity. Who am I? More then most, when I feel like I'm not where I should be at this point in my life, like I'm falling behind, I feel like a nothing. Eveeeryone's been there. Doesn't matter though right? It always feels like it's just you. Just me. I'm 20 have the lowest wage paying job. Trying to get to university, JUST so I can get my degree and move back home. Home... no one will ever understand, unless you've traveled around the world for years at a time, no one will understand what it feels like to be so far away from home and family. Where nothing is the same. The language is weird and difficult and just about the biggest pain in the butt ever. You just miss your family, and want to start your life back where you KNOW you belong and have a chance at a job where the language alone won't hold you so far back. 

Challenges. I love challenges. The ones that keep me going forward, the ones that make you stronger and give you the possibilty to take a leap ahead. This is not such a challenge that I am currently facing. Even if it is, I can't see it. Especially, when I am faced with it alone. Recently, left with it alone. I get tired far easier now. Life packs quite a tonful on me.

People. Oh people. They either pull you up or down. Though I have many that pull me up. The few that pull me down are the heaviest bunch. There are so many people out there that will try to come into your life and many that will try to come into your heart that you have willingly opened for them. Some will go inside and do all the damage in the world (which by the way is at their disposal).I'm not even aloud to close my heart from those trying to come inside and do me harm. I can not even fight back. My only weapons are supposed to be faith, kindness, and love. To me, it is an invisible weapon. That scares me. I feel defenceless. Although that's where faith comes in. Even if It doesn't really help the part where I get UTTERLY AFRAID LIKE A MISSED STEP ON A LADDER. I have some comfort that I have someone that will stitch me back up no matter what; God. 

So I take the pain now, and after He fixes me up so I can become even stronger for the next round. (NEXT ROUND?) No really that's what I asked God before He laughed , (Lovingly yes, but.. no really WHY ANOTHER ROUND OF HURT?) Simple. He wanted me to grow. Lifes just no fun if your an instant know -it -all with no life experience. If you think about it real hard, reeeal hard. You'll see the point. See, I already knew God wanted me to work with people and for people, in His name. SO first, He had to make sure I could not only sympathise with their pain but empathise. By making go through things that would not only only hurt me and belittle me, but give me a HUUUGE window into SO many people's lives. Although I didn't know it at the time. In fact I was angry and felt very alone, like God wasn't listning to my pleas for help and understanding as to why I was hurting so much.

 Funny how that works. I ask God for more wisdom not realizing I was literally asking for loads of pain to come my way. I honestly didn't understand it when I was going through the storm. Wondering why He just left me in agony.

Finally in the midst of it all I just couldn't take it anymore and just shouted out His name in anger. I even insulted Him, asking why He was ignoring me while my heart was bleeding out.Then I finally heard it, "This is what they are going through. This is their pain." 

He answered my prayer. 

 I wanted to know, I wanted to undersand certain people that I had a hard time caring about. I wanted wisdom, and I had been praying and asking God for it for years at a time. 

 I realized God never answers a prayer the way we would expect, but sometimes I forget to put my trust in Him. He put me into their storm. He showed me how broken they felt inside. He helped me to understand them, to care for them. To be patient with so many people because I now knew the pain that they were facing.

I understood then, there was NO way I would've truly understood unless I had experienced that kind of pain myself. 

That's when I learned, I couldn't hope to grow as a better person with out the pain and struggles in life. My heart had no way of being tested for its strength and love for others without the strain. 
I still forget at times, but at least I see purpose. That makes all the difference. 

 

 


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