Skids (Screenplay) Part 11

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Following the exploits of a group of friends who live small lives and have even smaller ambitions, "Skids" is a window into their lives as they carry on into their early twenties, while still living very much like teenagers. Will any of them escape this downward spiral into mediocrity? And more importantly, do any of them want to? When drinking, partying and acting like a bunch of fools are your chief concerns in life is there really any reason to change? - available on Amazon - 14 parts in total

INT. MORDEN'S BASEMENT - NIGHT

 

Roger dances drunkenly with one of Jewel's friends who also looks tipsy and is very into him.  Jewel enters, cleaning up garbage and empty bottles.  She notices the two getting along and moves in to whisper in Roger's ear.

 

JEWEL (TO ROGER)

You two seem to be getting along.

 

He drunkenly nods while dancing and spooning with her friend.

 

JEWEL (CLOSE TO ROGER)

Are you into her?

 

ROGER (LOUD DRUNKEN VOICE)

Into her?  Oh, I'll be into her.

(imitating Morden)

I'll fuck her up the ass!  Wee-hoo!

 

Jewel's friend hears him, gets offended and slaps him in the face.  Roger falls drunkenly to the floor.  Bugsy and Nancy sit chatting it up on the couch, but turn their attention away to watch Roger's drunken display.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. MORDEN'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

 

Smyth sits talking with a couple of Jewel's friends.  Their attention is disturbed by the arrival of Morden, wearing a bedsheet wrapped around him like a toga.  Morden smiles drunkenly all proud of himself.  The girls start laughing affectionately.  But then Smyth notices a small stain on the bedsheet that wraps a little around Morden's leg.

 

SMYTH (POINTING)

What's that?

 

Morden twists his body to get a look.

 

SMYTH (CONT'D)

Turn around!

 

JEWEL'S FRIEND (POINTING)

Oh, my god!

 

Morden turns around revealing a huge skid stain on the back of the bedsheet surrounded by a yellowish stain of sweat.  Smyth jumps up with excitement and points his finger at Rick.

 

SMYTH (TO RICK)

You fucked Nancy in Morden's bed!

 

Suddenly filled with disgust, Morden tears the toga off and drops it to the floor.  He runs bare-assed back to the bathroom screaming all the way.  Smyth is giddy with laughter as he stands over the discarded bed sheet checking it out.

 

SMYTH (DISGUSTED) (CONT'D)

Ugh, is that shit or blood?

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. MORDEN'S BASEMENT - NIGHT

 

Smyth enters as Jewel tries to help Roger up.

 

SMYTH (TO JEWEL)

You better go take care of your drunken

husband.

 

JEWEL

Oh, god!  What is he up to now?

 

SMYTH

Go see for yourself.  He just ran down

the hall naked.

 

Jewel lets out a sigh and takes off after him.

 

SMYTH (TO NANCY) (CONT'D)

And you, you skanky bitch!  It's not

enough you suck me off, but you gotta

do that smelly bastard upstairs too.  And

now you're after poor Bugsy?  How much

fuckin' semen do you need?

 

Roger vomits a little in his mouth and his face turns worried.

 

SMYTH (TO ROGER) (CONT'D)

Oh, you better run, buddy.

 

Roger takes off.  Smyth turns back to face Nancy.

 

SMYTH (TO NANCY) (CONT'D)

And I want my track pants back.  Stop

wearing them around telling people that

you're my girlfriend.

 

Roger bursts into the laundry room and rushes over to the laundry tub.  It is full of clothes.  He quickly throws the lid open on the washing machine and vomits into it.  After he finishes, he pulls the clothes out of the laundry tub, turns on the tap and splashes some water in his face.  It doesn't help as he throws up again in the laundry tub.  After, he slowly slides down the wall and passes out in the cat's litter box.  The images get blurry as Smyth helps Roger up and carries him over to the couch where he plops him down between Bugsy and Nancy, disrupting their courtship.

 

CUT TO:

 

BLACK SCREEN.  Tregunna's drunken voice on voice mail.

 

TREGUNNA (VOICE MAIL)

I can't believe...hic...I spent five hours...

hic...buying drinks for that bitch...maxing

out my credit card...hic...listening to her

go on and on about her... hic...asshole

ex-boyfriend...and then...when I'm about

to take her home...

(long drunken pause)

...she tries to pawn me off on her

fucking...fat...ugly friend...

 

The word FADES IN:

 

"Saturday"

 

The word FADES OUT and a new quote FADES IN:

 

"High noon, oh I'd sell my soul for water, nine years worth of breakin' my back, there's no sun in the shadow of the wizard, see how he glides, why he's lighter than air.”6 – STARGAZER (Rainbow)

 

The words FADE.

 

INT. TREVOR'S BATHROOM - MORNING

 

Trevor leans over the toilet bowl having just puked his guts out.  He rubs his face and notices something awry.  He looks into the toilet bowl and sees his glasses floating in the mess.  He retrieves them, shakes them off and puts them on the counter.  He staggers back into the bedroom, into bed and back into the arms of a half-naked Tabitha.

 

TABITHA

Why do your friends call you Rocky?

 

TREVOR (EXHAUSTED)

It's short for "Rock Hard".

 

Tabitha rolls her eyes in disappointment.

 

TABITHA (TO HERSELF)

I can't imagine where you got that

nickname from.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. FABRIC STORE - MORNING

 

Roger shakes awake from a dream, kicking his legs against the cutting table that he lies on.  His shoe has the word "COCK" written on it in thick black marker.  He sits up, coughs a phlegmy cough and tries to clear the taste from his mouth.

 

TREGUNNA (TO FEMALE CUSTOMER)

That's a nice one there...it's a crushed

velvet...wears like iron.

 

Roger peers through glassy eyes to see Tregunna smiling back at him before he turns his attention back to his customer.

TREGUNNA (SUGGESTIVELY)

It's stain-resistant too.

 

The young woman looks at Tregunna with surprise.

 

TREGUNNA (CONT'D)

I mean...if you have kids you might be

interested in some upholstery that's easy

to clean.  I like kids.  You?

 

The young woman smiles.  Roger can watch no more of Tregunna's flirting and turns away.  He slides himself off the table, and over to the cashier's table where he plops himself down into the chair.  He stares aimlessly out the window, half drunk, feeling the hangover coming on.

 

TREGUNNA (COMING BACK)

Are you alright, man?  You've got that

glazed donut look to you.

 

Roger mumbles some incoherent rumbles and grunts back at him.

 

TREGUNNA (CONT'D)

I hear you...I feel like shit too...I've been

to the bathroom like three times

already...not to shit or piss or anything

…not even to puke...but just to wipe my

ass...I've got that wet ass thing going

on...I just can stay dry.

 

ROGER

How's it going with the tighty?

 

TREGUNNA (FRUSTRATED)

Ugh..her ugly old coot of a mother

interrupted us.

 

Roger nods and turns back to his aimless staring.

 

TREGUNNA (CONT'D)

Hey, that crushed velvet I was showing

her, is it fire-retardant or anything?

 

ROGER (SHAKING HIS HEAD)

No...it's shit...not even real velvet...

sprayed on like paint.

 

TREGUNNA

Oh well.  Hopefully they're not smokers. 

I told her it was.

 

Roger looks back at Tregunna and smiles.  But suddenly, a look of fear crosses his face.  He's going to throw up.

TREGUNNA (SMILES) (CONT'D)

You better move, man!

 

Roger makes a mad dash to the bathroom.  He just gets there in time, throwing up from a standing position, splashing the seat and the edge of the bowl.  He drops to the floor out of exhaustion, props himself up against the wall and wipes the sweat off his forehead.

 

ROGER (EXHAUSTED)

I gotta quit drinking.

 

He pulls a long string of toilet paper off the roll and begins to clean up.  Inside the bowl he sees an undigested french fry floating in the mess.  It gives him the dry heaves.  Back at the cash register, Tregunna runs the Old Woman's credit card through while the sound of Roger puking his guts out starts up again from the bathroom.

 

OLD WOMAN

Is he going to be alright?

 

TREGUNNA

Oh yeah, just your typical Saturday

morning for him.

 

OLD WOMAN (DISGUSTED)

Disgraceful.  We didn't act like that in my

day.

 

Tregunna just smiles at her as she leaves.

 

TREGUNNA (TO HIMSELF)

When was your day?  1922?

 

Tregunna just watches as the Old Woman struggles to load the rolls of fabric she just purchased into her car.  She slips on the icy drive as she closes the trunk.  She looks back at Tregunna and gives him a dirty look for not offering to help her.  To which, Tregunna smiles and waves.

 

TREGUNNA (SMILING) (CONT'D)

Have a nice day.

 

The Old Woman pulls out a cigarette and lights it.  Tregunna's smile drops, remembering the lie he told about the fabric's resistance to fire.  But it comes back again when her daughter gives him a farewell smile as the car drives away.  Roger re-enters staggering back and wiping the juices off his chin.

 

ROGER

Is that old coot still here?

 

TREGUNNA (SADLY)

No...and she took my little tighty with

her...bye, bye, tighty.

 

Tregunna watches another car drive up.

 

TREGUNNA (ANGRILY) (CONT'D)

Oh here comes another one!  Why can't

they leave us alone?  Don't they have

anything better to do on a Saturday

morning than come to this place?

 

Roger slowly props himself back up on the cutting table.

 

TREGUNNA (ANGRY) (CONT'D)

And look, another old coot...and he's  

probably got another one of his stupid  

little "make work" projects that he does

just to keep himself from dying!

 

Roger laughs, starting to come back to himself after the vomiting has cleared some of the fogginess from his brain.

 

TREGUNNA (LAUGHING)

Oh...look at him!  He can't even get out

of his car!

 

Tregunna watches the Old Man struggle with an oxygen tank.

 

TREGUNNA (LAUGHS) (CONT'D)

Oh, this one's yours for sure!

 

ROGER

Alright.  You've been carrying me for a

while.

 

TREGUNNA

I gotta go wipe my ass again...fucking

Lithuanian beer!

 

Tregunna heads towards the bathroom but stops to let out a long slow wet fart that garners Roger's attention.  He lifts his head up just in time to see Tregunna pull a wedge of track pants out of his ass as he heads to the bathroom.  The Old Man bursts through the door with gusto bouncing his oxygen tank off the door frame as he struggles to bring it in.

 

OLD MAN (EXCITED)

I've got a little project you can help me

with!

 

The Old Man twitches his nose to refit the oxygen tube.  While doing so his nostrils catch a whiff of Tregunna's flatulence and a sour look crosses his

face.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. MORDEN'S LAUNDRY ROOM - MORNING

 

Morden stands over the laundry tub looking like a zombie.  The tub is filled with Roger's vomit from last night.  With rubber gloves on he tries to unplug the drain by stabbing a screwdriver into it pushing the larger chunks down.  Jewel comes in carrying the bedsheet that Rick dirtied in her hand.

 

JEWEL (ANGRY)

You're never bringing those assholes into

my house again!

 

Morden is too hungover to react.  Jewel throws open the washing machine lid.  Before she can throw the bedsheet in she catches a whiff of the Roger's vomit inside.

 

JEWEL (DISGUSTED) (CONT'D)

Oh my god!

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. FABRIC STORE ROGER/TREGUNNA'S WORK - DAY

 

Roger stands at the cutting table showing a Little Old Lady a piece of replacement foam for a cushion.  He measures her old worn out cushion and sits his hand on it while he talks.

 

ROGER (FORCING A SMILE)

Yeah, a cushion that size will cost you

about $35 before taxes.

 

LITTLE OLD LADY (HUMBLY)

Oh, that much?  Well, I guess I have to

get it...

(getting quieter)

...because I had a little accident on that

one.

 

Roger's forced smile fades and he slowly lifts his hand off the cushion in disgust.  He looks up at the clock exhausted.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. MCDONALD'S RESTAURANT - AFTERNOON

 

Bugsy walks down the aisle carrying a tray of food.  He walks back to the table and sits down with Nancy.  They smile at each other like they're a couple and begin to eat.

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT. MCDONALD'S DRIVE THROUGH - AFTERNOON

 

Smyth drives and Tregunna sits comfortably beside him.

 

TREGUNNA

The Crazy Man wasn't looking too good

at work today.

 

SMYTH

No kidding.  You should've seen him last

night.

 

Tregunna peeks around Smyth trying to get a look at the young teenage girls working at the drive-thru.

 

TREGUNNA

Eww...that's a new one...the one with

the ponytail!  Come here, little tighty! 

Come to the window!

 

SMYTH

Will you calm down, you little pervert! 

Are you coming out tonight or what?  I'm

taking the boys to Hamilton for a change. 

Are you coming?

 

TREGUNNA

Coming?  Not even breathing heavy.

 

SMYTH

Come on.  When are you gonna stop

hanging out under the bridge and go to a

real bar, you fucking troll?

 

TREGUNNA (UNCERTAIN)

I don't know.

 

SMYTH

Come on.  I'll drop you off.  You can eat,

shower and I'll pick you up later.

 

Tregunna moans until he catches a glimpse of Bugsy and Nancy.

 

TREGUNNA

Hey!  Was that just...?

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. TREVOR'S LIVING ROOM - DUSK

 

Trevor sits with Tabitha watching Battlestar Galactica.  The noise of the snowblower interrupts their peace.  Eddie sits on the window table watching Roger through the window blow snow off the drive.  A spray of snow hits the window causing Eddie to hide in his shell and Trevor to jump out of his seat in frustration.

TREVOR

I don't know why he bothers.  I never

once asked him to do it.

(notices Eddie)

And how do you keep getting out?

 

CUT TO:


Submitted: November 16, 2014

© Copyright 2021 Kevin McMaster. All rights reserved.

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